The bank app is telling me to "tap & pay like a boss😏" and "rally my crew". I am 37 years old and you are the bank. Don't talk to me this way.
Oh, hi! Didn’t see you there. formerly of the other place. once: seen at Amazin’ Avenue, Deadspin, AV Club, Class Action Park. now: will talk about the Ed Grimley cartoon for likes
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The bank app is telling me to "tap & pay like a boss😏" and "rally my crew". I am 37 years old and you are the bank. Don't talk to me this way.
this also bothers me and I think the reason why is that most of this knowledge remains accessible exclusively in written form and as the internet has increasingly become a visual/video medium this has made people even less inclined to read than they were before
No joke. Homeschooling should be illegal.
can a dead guy pin a medal on a corpse
Happy Labor Day! This from Sven Beckert’s forthcoming CAPITALISM: A GLOBAL HISTORY details capitalists’ deliberate sabotage of knowledge production amongst the late 19th century coalescing industrial working class in order to cement their control and exploitation.
these people have no interest in art at all, they want a shortcut to fame and $$$ and they think people who’d take time to express themselves are suckers. the only real debate here is, should we beat these guys with rakes or shovels?
somehow every time I hear about someone “sparking a debate” the debate sparker is a massive piece of shit
The best James Bond film.
film flubs: in the movie spartacus (1960), several different characters identify themselves as spartacus. this scene was mistakenly left in the final cut of the film
even when i was an adult i would go nextdoor to ask my grampa for help with household repairs. now I know how he felt because my college aged kid just asked me to beat a really hard video game boss
[Giuliani's final breath] Tell my family I loved...9/11
TIL that the spoken "What does it all mean?" sampled on De La Soul's "3 is the magic number" and Cypress Hill's "How I Could Just Kill a Man" came from NY Mayor Fiorello La Guardia reading a Dick Tracy comic to kids (it's at the end). www.youtube.com/watch?v=KGFT...
oh man please let Clinton, Trump and Rudy kick the bucket at the same time, it’d be like the exact opposite of The Day The Music Died bsky.app/profile/thed...
let’s bring back the Simpsons “goin out like Stan Chera” memes, maybe that’ll be the final cosmic nudge we need
that smile when she realized she was gonna get away with it
rip to everyone whos become delusional after talking to chatgpt but im built different. like actually different. according to chatgpt im some kind of god. the one who decides
I didn’t know they had Zack Hamples in Europe
They’re calling it the most believable story ever told
not the first person to make this observation but its rules that the "i wont let my body temple be defiled by putting seed oils or processed food in it" people and the "let me go behind the gym to inject these steroids i bought from a guy i met here" people have merged into the same group.
to clarify I am referring here to their last scheduled series of the regular season. to further clarify the Marlins are the only baseball team I truly hate. there are other teams i dislike due to my allegiances but they are the only team I believe to be ontologically evil
if the Mets have to win any amount of games in Miami to clinch a playoff spot they will lose all of them in ways that are outlawed by the Geneva Convention
i went upstate this morning for a lovely long bike ride only to come back to the city and find my troubles still waiting for me (the Mets)
the big parenting danger is not to go full Frances McDormand in Raising Arizona
Actually, Frankenstein is a doctor success at the Venice film festival
one milkshake to bring all the boys to the yard and in the darkness bind them
I’d assume the one that has to wear shorts can’t be trusted to go bottomless
went to watch the Mets take a kick-in-the-dick loss and came home to an empty house
i continue to not understand this Mets team even a little bit
We built a calculator that doesn't work, but don't worry, it's also a plagiarism machine that will tell you to kill yourself. It runs on the world's oceans and costs 10 trillion dollars.
my father-in-law is a “I know a guy” Guy. sadly all the old Guys are aging out of the Guy Economy. Guys are fundamentally incompatible with Hustle Culture because it’s not about “winning” a deal, it’s about collecting favors and goodwill in a mutually-beneficial cycle. protect your local Guy Economy
guys we can just pretend he’s dying again tonight, it’s fun
define “pitching”
listened to the end on the radio and Howie Rose sounded like this game had run over his dog
they’re calling it the new flesh folks and we’ll all be hailing it a lot sooner than many people know or believe
I went on a long bike ride this afternoon so the stadium seats were doing a number on my elderly body plus I will be at tomorrow’s game, I swear I’m not a fake fan
I am definitely praying *about* him
guys I left the game early because they’re up 9 and I’m olde why are you all speaking in riddles now
made a last minute decision to go to tonight’s Mets game to see Jonah Tong’s debut and I might see the first MLB game end on a mercy rule
is he gonna make shitty unfunny AI slop about this too
yesterday i was in a grocery store that was playing the radio over the PA and the station aired one of those fascist Kristi Noem ads and I said “eat my whole ass” a little too loud, anyway apologies to the guy 5 feet away who just wanted to grab some milk
Dentist Killed on Hunt by Hairless Monkeys With Rock Throwers
i know we all want It to happen but if life has taught me anything it’s that evil rich people live to 100
Oh god. Oh fuck.
I want a giant mural where Grant and Sherman are stuffing Lee’s head in a toilet
"mom and pop landlords".........
Sam Altman's Robot That Makes You Kill Yourself Brought To You By The FBI: ＨＥＬＬＯ ＭＡＲＴＩＮ ＬＵＴＨＥＲ ＫＩＮＧ ＪＲ． Ｉ ＵＮＤＥＲＳＴＡＮＤ ＹＯＵ ＡＲＥ ＨＡＶＩＮＧ ＭＡＲＩＴＡＬ ＰＲＯＢＬＥＭＳ． Ｉ ＡＭ ＨＥＲＥ ＦＯＲ ＹＯＵ． ＬＥＴ ＭＥ ＨＥＬＰ
the cia would have loved trying to trick fidel castro into becoming friends with Sam Altman's Robot That Makes You Kill Yourself
I think we have to withhold prayers until God starts doing what we want. He’s a fiend for prayers and I think he’s just used to getting them. Cut off the supply and draw him out
John Cage's 4'33".. and he's famous as hell. short men, don't let anyone tell you that you gotta be over 6' to be successful
Vincent D'Onofrio should change his name to Vincent Mitochondria since he's the powerhouse of The Cell (2000)
they’ll just move him to a different parish and he’ll do it again
Mon Mothma, student at the Chandrilan equivalent of Georgetown, taking her third shot in, like, fifteen minutes. She realizes she knows this bassline and begins slapping a Chandrilan townie on the arm, screaming, "BITCH, GET UP HERE! WE HAVE TO DANCE! THIS IS NIAMOS! THIS IS MY FUCKIN *SONG*"
ah ok well I guess that’s a lot less bad than I thought it was gonna be
as the prophecies foretold
Fancy Feast For Men
I have a prop bet that Trump burps and vomits a little down his chin and looks up at the camera and says "hamburbler?" and I have until the end of August to win it
Got a standing ovation for my performance of Hungarian Rhapsody even though there was some mouse fucking with me the whole time.
is it somebody from Euphoria? because whenever I don’t know who a young actor is they usually turn out to be from Euphoria
this should be a grainy Sports Illustrated photo and he should be smoking
Any time there's a headline like this, I translate it into "The Bamboo Lounge has officially been bought out by Paul Cicero"
this Fanatics betting ad with the lady in the bathtub is just a blatant ripoff of Margot Robbie in The Big Short right?
RFK please quit and just start an unlistenable podcast instead for the love of god
next, a bronze statue of the guy that who tased himself in the balls to death
good idea to pitch Clay Holmes after McLean and before Tong, reminds you the world is actually a cruel and senseless place
the thing is, he is where he is now because of Peter Thiel. even if he wanted to run as a Reasonable Republican he wouldn’t be allowed to
Dead-Eyed Travis Kelce Nods At Bow Tie Options For Cat Ring Bearers https://theonion.com/dead-eyed-travis-kelce-nods-at-bow-tie-options-for-cat-ring-bearers/
the grand unified theory of white guy baseball dipshits (assume any white baseball player is a dipshit with terrible politics until proven otherwise) remains undefeated
Today's mood. Patrons at the bar in Craigville, Minnesota, 1937.
hey hey rfk how many kids did you kill today
we must back Newsom now because we can’t afford another Herman Cain or Howard Dean in the White House
everyone knows who Lincoln and FDR were and why they were important but only history dorks remember Henry Clay. being remembered is not the best reason to fight but it is illustrative nonetheless
I’ve said this before but: there have been many points in US history where compromise was made on human rights and all of these compromises are now universally recognized to be short sighted if not monstrous. if you think you’re smarter than history, history will prove you wrong
I don’t know how to say it other than this. I don’t think compromise is desirable with people who can’t agree on our shared humanity. that is a non negotiable point
wanting a group of people to disappear, whether virtually via removal from public life or literally via violence, is not a legitimate political view. pretending otherwise only serves to pave a road to genocide. those people openly declare themselves to be enemies and must be treated accordingly
it’s completely infuriating how there is still an idea among the mainstream media and even the Dem leadership that there are moderate reasonable Republicans and Trump is somehow an aberration. they want him to be president do what he’s doing! these are genuinely sick people who should be shunned!
the average Trump voters’ “political views” are “we should have concentration camps with jokey names” so I feel like Harris voters aren’t the problem here
was he worried he didn’t suck bad enough already
finally somebody said it
I was just going over some of the celebrity quotes I wrote for Clickhole a decade ago. Here’s a few favorites
Police frontman Tom Segura
bro fr
it’s just to dunk on everyone. yes he’s a piece of shit but he’ll still be supported 200% by the local party and the horrors he openly applauds will continue
found my work in here, I am horrified and flattered
good god Ritchie Torres is a soulless demon
i gotta go jump into the fire, you guys need anything?
guy who can’t stop collecting roadkill: I know what’s healthy
Smallpox seeing the CDC getting gutted:
Are vaccines safe? Let's ask this guy who sounds like a dying refrigerator compressor
the thing I love about that show is he never wins. he made a food competition show where he’s the titular star and made himself its Washington Generals
Tom Clancy’s Infinite Jest
I know he was born in a year starting with a 2 but someone get McLean to use T Rex his warmup music, it would be so sick
RFK slapping the headphones off an 11 year old and shaking them by the shoulders “your mito numbers are way off, kid, your movements stifled by a haplo imbalance! Here, try this! (takes fistful of warm gooey beef tallow from back pocket)