DEBATE MODERATOR: Our next segment is called Remember Some Guys. Former Governor Cuomo, please begin. CUOMO: Alex Rodriguez? (crowd grumbling and booing; hot mic picks up someone saying "not a Guy") MAMDANI: Lucas Duda (crowd going nuts)
DEBATE MODERATOR: Our next segment is called Remember Some Guys. Former Governor Cuomo, please begin. CUOMO: Alex Rodriguez? (crowd grumbling and booing; hot mic picks up someone saying "not a Guy") MAMDANI: Lucas Duda (crowd going nuts)
BATMAN: Robin! This is no time for acting gay! (moving up close,grabbing Robin’s dick) save that for the batcave… ROBIN: Ughh I’m so lucky you found me in that orphanage
My AI girlfriend says I should kill myself. I’m not going to do it, even though a lot of her points are valid and the wit is absolutely biting
I fed 1000 hours of 2008 Obama campaign speeches into ChatGPT to see what would happen and it drone-striked a US citizen?
(mf doom voice) he threw a sandwich cheese and salami, feds couldn't indict folded like origami, afraid of subway both the chain and the train, mayo salt and pepper shake your thang, grand jury shut em down twice, coca cola on the side no ice
Her final words- “I tried to warn you all”
Did someone order a little “fantasy” with their football? 🧚♀️🏈 Because this image has been inflated to 14 to 15 ounces of nothing but pure heart-spun gold 💛💛💛
Yeah and also in the 1970s blue collar types were allowed to freely state that America was a piece of shit
(aborted manager in heaven) I would have loved to touch base with you…
WIFE: The speed limit is 55 there is no reason for you to be going 80 right now ME:
Hey kids! Remember last time how we said you might need to help save the country be stealing the firing pin out of daddy’s guns? Well it turns out that time is now. Now, listen carefully, since I have some very important rules. First, if your daddy owns a Sig Sauer P320 it’s very important that y
such a classic scene
Politics is a discourse of power
Oh no this is terrible! But if it’s happening anyways let’s hope he resists and has to be neutralized “with extreme prejudice”
Pastor James Dodson has passed away. At this time he will shift his focus from the family to 🔥having🔥his🔥skin🔥ripped🔥off🔥and🔥burning🔥in🔥hell🔥
If crime is so low then how come this metro elevator still smells like piss?
White House Move to Ban “Uggos” from College Campuses Pushes Boundaries, Lacks Clear Enforcement Mechanism Experts Say
Alien: Earth combines the best features of the original Alien movie along with the worst features of Prometheus, Alien: Covenant, Alien: Resurrection, The Maze Runner, Avatar Way of the Water, Stranger Things Season 3, and that movie where the space worm eats Ryan Reynolds and Jake Gyllenhal.
If you get even higher you realize that in the information economy, information = capital
Phwew - thank goodness Israel is only starving the sick children
Reminder - it’s not only JD’s opinions that make him undesirable to be around. He is an overall bad person!
At this point rfk jr has prob done more damage to the national welfare than any of these other buffoons but will also escape accountability because public health is so amorphous
Deloitte senior consultants rise up
Israel, you keep petting the bunnies too hard. Now look at those flowers over there…
If you’re not reviewing your action items to make sure we’re all aligned on our deliverables you’re not paying attention
This is dumb… just do what I do and have a great head of hair well into your 40s
"the drainage grates are in the shapes of American flags"
Congrats to Hulk Hogan for making it 7 days without using the N-word.
Fascism is an old man enthusiastically yelling ass to ass — forever. ~ George Orwell, 1984
TRUMP [in Situation Room]: Triple H, how soon can you get here? This is a real bad one. They’re taking the college football players. HHH [checking watch]: Two hours, Mr. President. I’ll take the jet.
Hey, the common loon called. Yeah, it was hauntingly beautiful
A dang frickin cheeto Mussolini
^little rap im working on to show young voters im still “with it”
🎵🎤🎵 Jamming to Weezer Don't say I'm no Pinkerton Think that sounds gay? It goes up the stinker hun' Call me a commie That means I'm a worker son I supervise cops Like S Epatha Merkerson
we’re bringing back Vine
Wizards ring of fame when?
Bove won’t do that much damage as an appellate judge since I assume this is just a placeholder for him til next Supreme Court vacancy
New JD Vance merch dropped
In Q4 we are shipping AaaS
AaaS — Ass as a Service
Google AI finally gave me a useful piece of information
When you try sneaking a pic of the Times Square Optimus Prime and get your ass beat
She should do an underwear ad with a non-white guy and see if this chap kills himself
please read my insanely embarrassing piece in the NYT "It's Bad—Why I Revised My Thoughts Regarding Poo Poo" that I was paid $90000 to write
.001 milliseconds after it dawns on me that I’ve been ignoring/supporting a genocide: most important thing now is no scolding about this
Shortly before committing suicide by banging her head into the metal toilet 47 times
Can we teach it to perform surgery
Imagine becoming so powerful that the others must join forces to destroy you. Pretty cool to think about.
Hot in here brother
Benghazi ain’t going away!!!
It probably feels so good to talk down to someone by saying “that’s life in the big city.” Because if they don’t like it and get offended? Guess what that is
If I went to prison I would probably be cool with the whites, blacks, and Latinos on account of my personality and healthy sense of humor
It seems a lot of you have never experienced the magic that is a Coldplay live performance
Nothing less woke that leaving your rotting corpse on the western steppe
My balls are so full of cum it set off the TSA weapon scanner. “Happens all the time” the agent giving me the patdown said
Sometimes I can't stop thinking about fruit. The bright effervescence of mandarins, the frosted crunch of ruby grapes, the sweet nuzzle of a tumble of peaches. And then I realise I haven't had a glass of water in 4-5 business days
The year is 2025. Elmo is a Nazi. The president, also a Nazi, is being taken to task for his prolific history of child rape. The richest man in the world, also a Nazi, has released his chatbot which instructs people on how to break into people’s homes and rape them. The chatbot is also a Nazi.
Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Every British person on the internet is complaining about you
In the 1990s you could go to the record and tape exchange and just hang out
Hey Vern! All these mirrors have little cameras behind them. What the heck?!
Why did you get so good at parkour? Well I use it when committing crimes
Imagine getting really good at parkour and not joining a parkour criminal gang
Lady I’m just trying to get my dick wet
Tornado warning! Kids go to the windows and yell if you can see it
Twitter CEO: (doing TV interview) Things are looking up for X! After days of begging I have almost convinced Dr Scholl's Shoe Insoles to buy a $100 ad spend *Elon Musk falls through ceiling dressed in SS uniform*
Linda Yaccarino means Beautiful Yaccarino
Jesus H they turned it into an even whiter Jimmy Fallon
Move over polyamory - the hot new dating trend this summer is “emotional carnage”
VAGUELY ASIATIC 23 Y.O. SOFTWARE ENGINEER: sir, who would you say is the most badass figure of the 20th century? ELON [clocking a giant rail of ketamine]: how about that one fellow… who goes by the name… adolf… hitler… 😏 ENGINEER: lol lol! another le epic win sir!
Marco Rubio sitting in the middle here like “I hope no reporter asks me about my little perversions.”
I saw him do stand up in 2018 and the recurring theme was defenses of Michael Jackson and Bill Cosby
DOJ confirms - Jeffrey Epstein “just kind of a baller, and all the haters can’t stand that”
Killing a mosquito and placing its dismembered limbs around the edge of my yard, as a message to the others
Unexpectedly effective straight edge propaganda to see Elon do MKULTRA amounts of mind-altering substances only to come up with the Reform Party
Chantal… is this a DEI storm?
I am starting a new political party for pro-business people who are racist
this is going to ruin my life
Imagine a guy who’s watching Jurassic Park 3 and thinking to himself, “finally, a good Jurassic Park.” I would hate this guy and want to kick his ass
Ahem, seed-throwing
look at my social contract, dawg
Have you ever stopped to ask yourself, is it all bullshit?
NYT REPORTER: I am currently inside the Florida detention center, which coincidentally they are also telling me I cannot leave. But, officials have informed me that the camp expects to get WiFi within the next couple weeks. Also tomorrow at dawn I will be liberated by the rope and get to face God.
Would be pretty wild if service got out and everyone just started stoning Richard to death here
Freedom from kings. Freedom from fascism. Power to the people forever. ♥️ Happy Independence Day 🇺🇸
should a brown man be mayor? We asked a eugenicist
King shit 👑
The Swim Kid (1985) MR YAMAMOTO (played by Pat Morita): It is time to begin your swim lesson. BENNY (played by Corey Haim): But there’s no pool here! This is just a locker room. MR YAMAMOTO: Before you learn how to swim, you must first learn how to overcome fear!
Did any of you collaborator pieces of shit get the Connections this morning?
for all who celebrate
Happy 4th of July, America! Preachy, condescending liberal here with an important fireworks safety reminder - do not attempt to launch the mortar off your head like it’s an Abe Lincoln top hat. MAGA in particular, you need to do exactly what I tell you in this matter.
AHEM, MAGA RETARDS! You can come out now. We know that all you are doing in there is fucking your 14 year old cousins. Signed— the Totally Pissed Off Liberals of the Wasteland #liberal #democrats #pissedoff
Dan with the deep cuts
Millennial cultural touchstones: 1987: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon 2001: 9/11
I’m sethmethod