Do you think he’ll get one?
busy writing sketches about problems I can’t solve
12,118 followers 5 following 88 posts
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Do you think he’ll get one?
Have you gone woke? #satire
It should be illegal to start a new email chain after 2pm on a Friday.
Do you consider it a word?
What does your ‘about me’ say?
I don’t like this feeling…
a public safety emergency… #satire
As of this week…
gerrymandering in the off season…
Using the term ‘press’ lightly here…
Are you doing the stare?
How’ve you been?
How do you pronounce it?
What did windmills ever do to Donald Trump?
What were we talking about? #satire
There are plenty of divorce attorneys in the sea…
No files to see here…
When it’s expensive to be alive…
Happy Independence Day…
Are you celebrating?
post-shower thoughts…
3.whatever trillion for what? #satire
Meanwhile on Capitol Hill…
I would feel much better about the term ‘vote-a-rama’ if we were talking about Love Island.
Have you even tried pulling yourself up by your bootstraps?
Meanwhile at the DNC… #satire
How many of these have you heard?
About last week… #satire
What did I miss?
Calm down…
It’s giving fascist… #satire
Have you considered changing yourself?
a birthday parade… #satire
When do you think we spun off the original timeline?
LA is burning… apparently #satire
When you’re being invaded… #satire
big & beautiful
🍿🍿🍿
Are you feeling great?
Would you date Brad?
How much do you owe in student loans?
What does your bio say?
On immigration and foreign influence…
a big, beautiful, something…
What’s your dating radius? My
Meanwhile on Fox ‘News’…
Has anyone ever gifted you a plane?
It was assigned Twitter at birth…
Anyone else feel like we’re being gaslit?
Can you imagine?
Where was your fake ID from?
when you’re consequential…
It’s never the right time…
How many days left to go?
What would encourage you to add to the baby supply?
If you have ‘unlimited’ PTO, how much time do you *actually* take off?
How many babies have you had? And is it enough to save society?
What’s one thing that always makes you swipe left when you see it in someone’s profile?
On space, a constitutional crisis, etc. youtu.be/4243fk3BXS8?...
owning a small business in 2025…
It’s giving Jimmy Neutron…
lately on the ‘news’… #satire
When you have self-destructive tendencies…
Who would you fire?
Just ask…
Not me living in fear of including a client on an internal email…
When you have a super secure group chat… #satire
I’m not sure why but I find the phrase ‘golden retriever’ in men’s profiles to be so triggering…
on the department of efficiency… or something like that…
On checks and balances…
We’re like a family here…
Whenever I see a man on a dating app looking for someone who ‘doesn’t cause drama’ I’m immediately on his ex’s side.
Are you gonna clap?
When he values loyalty…
I am worried… #satire
No offense, but…
I’m pretty sure if I could just manage to wake up with the first alarm my whole life would change. But I’ll never find out.
On the state of our union… youtu.be/HZpFrlwY3E4?...
My little summary of yesterday’s meltdown - youtu.be/Ev5hsc6Xef4?...
circling back on the eggs…
Happy Valentine’s Day
Don’t be a greedy opportunist…
Don’t worry though…
‘Live each day as if it’s your last’ is not universally good advice. Some of us have anxiety.
When you have to forget how to spell… #satire
Getting rid of DEI is just affirmative action for white men.
Should I turn on local news to watch everything literally on fire? Or national news to watch everything figuratively on fire? So many choices.
Is it weird to make my inaugural Bluesky post about the other apps…? #satire