Kevin Bacon is short for Kevin Salt-Cured Pork Belly
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Kevin Bacon is short for Kevin Salt-Cured Pork Belly
RFK Jr joined the fight on deadly diseases on the side of deadly diseases.
HR suggested my coworkers might stop spitting in my lunch if I stopped referring to them as "you earthlings"
our patience has been rewarded
some shit is about to go down
“OMG Stanley, just pick a damn spot!” “THERE. Are you happy now, Alison?” “Took you long enough.”
[watching a Harry Potter movie with the kids] 15: he shouldn’t keep whipping his wand out in front of muggles like that 12: and that’s not a euphemism! me: *never been prouder*
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Don’t really appreciate your tone
eggs benedict — mario saying that someone fucked his egg
the pod race scene before added CGI
Make love not open faced sandwiches.
“YOU’LL BE HEARING FROM MY ATTORNEY.”
She smiled, I smiled, we passed. Then I turned back and smiled again. Nobody gets to intimidate me like that.
We swore we weren’t gonna get another grandma after the last one died, but when we saw this one at the shelter, we just knew we had to have her.
We might finally see some change when the families of mass shooting victims inevitably become the voting majority.
After 30 years of marriage it's a wonder that I can still find new ways to piss her off, but today I managed it by opening my mouth to say hello.
Alexa, stop the world, I want to get off.
We the people demand a decent hug emoji
We are fucked when they make their way inland
Would someone mind explaining this to a guy who failed Geography I?
America is the Tesla Cybertruck of countries
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
plagiarism can be dangerous
I hate it when people hog the 5 lb weights at the gym like c’mon Brenda I’m trying to get ripped here
responding officers approached cautiously, just in case it was a packing peanut
Couldn’t think of the word for kale so I ordered a “plate of green sadness” and they knew exactly what to bring.
and he would have gotten away with it too if it weren’t for those meddling kids
me: your sword is indeed mighty, but my penis mightier them: I think you have a typo? me: oh yes sorry, my penis IS mightier
if you are gonna burn a flag I guess keep another one on a pole handy so you can beat the cop who comes to arrest you and then you can get a pardon? I dunno this is all very confusing
A jury of my peers? TWELVE murderers?!
If prayers worked, I’d imagine there wouldn’t be a shooting at a Catholic school.
I put my pants on everybody else
*takes a picture of my cat* *shows my cat the picture*
Not a lot of people know this but the MC in MC Hammer stands for master carpenter
Oh gaddammit
We need to start soon or the line for the guillotine is gonna be unmanageable
Look, just hand me the 90s CDs and step back from that ledge my friend
We are astonishingly close to an American president declaring there’s too many snakes on planes
“I just have so much anxiety recently” Boomer: There’s no such thing Millennial: here’s my therapist’s number Gen Z: Come smoke up with us Gen X: *nut punch*
HER: so what do you do in your spare time? ME: I help blind children HER: aw that’s so sweet- ME: oh here comes one. I’ll hold him and you poke him in the eyes.
[First date] ME: I was named after Marie Antoinette HER: but your name is Dave ME: I meant chronologically
SON: dad what’s the difference between present tense and past tense? ME:
Next year’s halftime show will be just a jar of mayonnaise with a confederate flag stuck in it.
Taylor, look at me. It’s dangerous out there. Take this.
Apparently Travis doesn't have a tux that's suitable for the wedding. He better get to the tailor swift.
*Bee Gees voice*
Taylor Swift gets engaged on the day Starbucks begins selling pumpkin spice drinks. If Uggs begin falling from the sky we’ll know Basic Bitchageddon is underway.
If you can dream it you can fail at it.
I'm a busy man these daydreams don't create themselves.
ME: [waking in from the yard] honey, I found out pandas will do a handstand to piss when marking their territory. Isn’t that stupid? WIFE: yes it is and why are you filthy? ME: I was trying it
I'm generally ok with people but then I get to the baggage carousel
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
𝘍𝘪𝘦𝘭𝘥 𝘰𝘧 𝘋𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘮𝘴, a summary: •Man builds field •Ghosts play baseball there •Ghosts won’t let man play baseball with them •Man gives up, makes 𝘞𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘭𝘥
The real enemy isn't the people who stand up as soon as the plane stops It's the ones who stand and then bonk my head getting their bags down
Studio Apartment Available: - Pet-friendly - Located next to bridge - No strings attached
Today, I shall mostly be pumping my pillows full of spray cheese so that my dreams are filled with cheddary deliciousness.
Let’s watch the butterfly emerge from the chrysalis into a woman between 30 and 35.
I say it’s time to start arresting tornadoes and stop letting them off with warnings.
Burning a flag will never be as offensive as draping it over his coffin will be.
balls truly are the boobs of the penis
Probably a character flaw but I suddenly get super into burning the US flag as soon as someone starts talking about making that illegal
some Old Testament wisdom
Lines. It takes two to tangent.
don’t be scared
[sea world] TOUR GUIDE: a shark can grow up to 8 feet OCTOPUS: what the fuck
“You know, I could just grab a fish.” “That's not the point, Gerald.”
The collective noun for gatherings of 2 or more people is a nope.
♫ Ooh, baby, baby, it’s a
Pronouncing Josh like Sean Connery telling you his favorite shark movie
Becoming a better photographer after your ex said you sucked at taking pictures is a form of therapy
“It’s called charcuterie, Dave. C-H-A-R-C-U-T-E-R-I-E. Google it, it’s a thing.”
“Sweet ride, bro.” “Thanks, pops.”
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
The human heart is roughly the size and shape of a fist. Coincidence? Doubtful.
"It's dangerous to go alone! Take this."
Hi, I need to return these rose-colored glasses. They don’t work anymore.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
[on my deathbed] This isn’t the hill I wanted to die on.
I don't have time for wallabies. You're either a kangaroo or you're not.
The most dangerous are the salt water squirrels.
[watching a nature documentary with the family] David Attenborough: …and the blue whale’s penis, which is up to 3 metres long… me: to put that in context kids, that’s 1 and a ½ of me 15: there’s no way your dick’s that big, Dad* *and that’s how I know she’s definitely my kid
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
when you eat some mushrooms at the party and come home to find your mom waiting up for you
First we take Manhattan, then we take Berlin. Don’t go out of order or it messes up the whole thing.
It takes a lot of wine to raise kids
damn it feels good to be a gangsta
When his mother and I finally met, she peered through lace curtains, rolled her eyes, and whispered, “Not good enough.”
Back in the day you had to buy your recorded music at a store. And some of them were really CD places.
JACK: i'm telling you there's water up there JILL: is this really the hill you want to die on
WIFE: We want to renew our vows. ME: *hands priest paper* WIFE: We wrote them ourselves. PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word? WIFE: “Combatant.”
Cracker Barrel is just Waffle House for people who can’t throw a chair or a decent punch.
Server: a little Quiche before your main sir? Me: ok, but no tongue
Well, you know the streets of DC are truly dangerous if they're letting the president go out at night for a photo op.
Creating a charity to support those affected by my moods
Mamas really didn't let their babies grow up to be cowboys, and look at us now - horseshit everywhere
Shots fired: 1,285 Targets hit: 0
I had a dream last night that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley. After months of therapy I'm finally battling my Damons.