he’s dying on 9/11
he’s dying on 9/11
Perfect 👌🏻
Give er a shot!
Origami
I could characterize the last week in many ways but I’ve chosen… my ex’s cat passed and I was a very supportive friend 😜 oh god help me
Such a good idea lmao
FRIEND: I just love September in New York, it's so alive! the US Open and New York Fashion Week and...something else I'm forgetting ME: ...9/11???
There should be a counseling service you call when you’re tempted to go to the homophobic chicken restaurant
Oh no I’m deciding on food rn I can’t have this in my poor brain
🎧 🧨
Revolting how we constantly suck in food and squeeze it back out 🤢
Four months to get back to a point where I feel slightly creative again and am not about to drive off a bridge from the worst burnout I’ve ever experienced. What am I doing? Begging for the opportunity to do it all again! So I can participate in society and be a Real Human Guy!
i wish i could google what someone meant by that
Perfect. Well I guess we have to set the Loss of Life or Limb counter back to zero at my sex toy factory
I hope no one saw any of my posts yesterday if they did it’s been nice knowing them
Sometimes we overlook things we shouldn’t because we’re not ready to face hard facts. Sad thing is, delaying the inevitable only makes it worse.
As two things we rely on for our immediate survival, it’s shocking how horrible humans treat air and water.
In my defense I didn’t invite him in! He let himself in 😤
I’m blaming my mood on this song! It deserves it. Haunted ass tune
Five people liked it, I think that proves it’s being felt across the whole of our nation rn
Currently overwhelmed by all of this
If anyone needs me I'm walking around my neighborhood slowly eating a quarter of a large sub sandwich and staring into the middle distance
Oh. The actor, not the long deceased author of The Quiet American
Today I complimented the checkout artist on her cool blue eye makeup and she said, “Thanks, it’s for the holiday.” Happy Labor Day ✊🏽
Most haunted ass night in recent memory
they should invent some cognitive distortions that are good
🎧 this has been stuck in my head and it’s making me all sad and wistful for no reason
Happy Labor Day. You're future is all planned out for you. youtube.com/watch?v=yp-W...
I could buy a running safety light for my late evening runs but I'd honestly like to die
Rudy Giuliani has been released from hospital after doctors realized he just looks like that
"pew! pew! pew!" - church architect
not a psychopath or a sociopath but a secret 3rd thing . a fucken bitch. hi!
Mind if I’m subsumed?
Headed back to NYC next week to investigate a potential job with an old friend whose company used to be a Big Deal before it was acquired. Wish me luck but don’t worry I won’t be there long enough to make it weird for anyone
Billboards? Really? You couldn’t just talk to me?
Hooking up with an ex: the temptation that somehow leads to increased loneliness despite the presence of another 🙃
Yes, extremely proud! Though I am lonely in my questionable deeds
Hey fun fact: the first Labor Day was celebrated in 1882 in New York City, so if you’re there, you’re in Labor Day’s hometown!
Happy Labor Day! Just checking, you’ve all been hooking up with the ex who ruined your life lately, right?
The more I deprive myself of joy the better I like my mirror image. It’s the last day of the year we’re permitted to wear white you fools. Go get on a yacht
Bring out your dead, please. We are going to need them for the three legged race.
Not necessarily. I’ve confused so many people in my relatively short time on this ball of matter and I *was* interested
I’ve been to Tuna Town
Cyclone of buffoonery
the depths of hell ring with the sound of a million Costco carts rolling over the bumpy thing
I have such sights to show you
I’m gonna sleep soon and when I do I’m gonna drag a few of you unsuspecting novices into dreamland with me. I can’t wait to see the look on your face when you arrive
*gets a teardrop tattoo for every buzz I’ve killed*
Hurricane of Indiscretion
If one more woman tells me she’s breaking up and taking up falconry
I’m going to march full-force into my grave, but you do you
🎸
Tornado of Porridge
Orphan Source better be a band name
Lead: We’re Puttin’ It Back In ™️
I hope to spearhead a movement of food influencers pushing for returning lead to its proper place in our environment. Many of us think this substance has been unfairly demonized, and it actually made people quite nice
People are quiet quitting this platform
Sorry I’ve been out of touch today I’ve been dirt biking and playing lacrosse
omg I boiled your daughter’s pet rabbit as a joke calm down
🎵NO MORE Mr. Nice Tie 👔
this happened to me
The little meow at the end kills me I love this beast
I know geography well & recognize most places mentioned in the Beach Boys song but never heard of a few Aruba ✅ Jamaica ✅ Ooiwanataykatoo❓ Bermuda ✅ Bahama ✅ Kumonprideemumma❓ Key Largo ✅ Montego ✅ Baybewidunweego❓ Are those in Hawaii? (Look, it’s 3pm on Sunday. Want better jokes? Go elsewhere!)
I love
I’ll make breakfast for you. You’re special and you deserve it!
The Phantom of the Opera sets everything on fire and cries but when I do it, I’m “overemotional” and facing prison Fuck the patriarchy
Don’t talk to me til I swill the booch
Oops I’m posting without context
Just saw someone refer to Cheryl Hines as The Marvelous Mrs. Measles and 💀💀💀💀💀💀
[voiceover: In 2025, he aggressively masturbated to a simple idea: utopia. Today, we all live in that wet world he imagined, all those years ago…]
You aren’t ready to date someone like me, someone who’ll wake up at 3am just to sing the national anthem to you MORE than once if you ask
Can you guys help me with something? How do you buy like four peaches and not immediately devour all of them
Jerk off while imagining a future where we all care for one another.
Everyone deserves a nice treat, even *those* people
Awwww oh yeah altruism isn’t just a concept anymore oh fuck ohh shiiiittt 💦 🍆 💦
Instead of expediting the ruin of my life I went home and had a frozen treat
Trying to figure out what else to do with my left arm. A Videodrome tattoo is not out of the question
in my sicko era (turning my phone off silent)
Let me hear that song (That song-s-song-song-song) –Sisqó’s “Song Song”
Sorry I was up all night worrying about my limbal rings
Making a wig out of sprouts
More like Writer S. Thompson (i learn that he was also an avid hunter) More like Hunter S. Writer
sometimes i wonder if my husband would have still proposed if he knew how much i listen to we like to party by the vengaboys
Come over and let me feed you a tiny banana
I was cutting a cherry tomato when it popped and squirted all over my face. Anyways, thought of you
city callin me a baldie
what's the rule? no white people after Labor Day?
We fade into the scenery after Labor Day and return for Pumpkin Spice Season
After a few positive comments about how I look in these shirts I’m going to have to change my position to loving them
Contemplating one of the many micro-hyperrealities
When I don’t hear from someone for a while I assume they’re binging the Joe Rogan Experience
[Kramer pondering why he can’t sleep then sitting up] The Cuban coffee!
It’s so late and I just got a free Cuban coffee 😩 it’s so fking good help
This is Di, this is Phen, and this is Hydra. They’re all good friends of mine
Seriously, this could be something. Hmu in DMs if you want representation
Stop acting grossed out because I called my apartment my “pleasure cottage”
I'm no longer baffled the dark ages occurred
Someone’s belly is packin’ a pound of satisfaction rn
Dogs be smellin