Oldest: What are you doing? Me: I’m putting alt-text on a meme Her: Why? Me: So the visually impaired can suffer too Her: I guess that makes sense
Joke attempter. Mildly annoying. Occasionally humorous. Just My Skeets: https://tinyurl.com/2pa3nwbn Bangers: https://tinyurl.com/4ccmk5zu
13,962 followers 1,396 following 6,413 posts
view profile on Bluesky
Oldest: What are you doing? Me: I’m putting alt-text on a meme Her: Why? Me: So the visually impaired can suffer too Her: I guess that makes sense
Hi.
Just got kicked out of intellectual bsky. Hi there
When I say that 'something's right up my alley', I mean it's 'right up my where rats fuck by smoldering cigarette filters, rotting banana peels, and used condoms'.
[Jumping roundhouse kick] I plead "crazy for Swayze" your honour [Judge covering mic, murmuring to stenographer] Am I still allowed to give The Chair
Thirty minutes into Psycho. It's about a lady who goes psycho and steals money from her company. I hope she doesn't get away with it
Super Apprentice Mario
that’s my wife 😩
As a freelancer, it's important to diversify your income streams. I have three types of client: those that don't pay me, those that can't pay me, and those that won't pay me.
Nate Silver is a delightful name for an idiot
Kids today are always staring at their phones instead of acknowledging my loud and disruptive pterodactyl noises
i’m like if a vampire and a fairy had a beautiful baby girl
Why can I be made of sugar & spice instead of jealousy & cynicism
Carrying a conversation counts as cardio
Hop on the carousel and pick your favorite animal. We're gonna crank up the speed gradually, ultimately spinning so fast we create a wormhole to a neighboring universe
I hope you find an Easter egg with $30 inside today. Or maybe one with pulled pork.
INSUFFERABLE OWL: *hoom
No one is less confused than a woman in a disagreement who says “I guess I’m just a little confused” btw. RUN
I feel like the old woman who swallowed a fly was probably just attention seeking
It's considered polite to like or repost someone, before offering your wry commentary.
Sending a final bill notice to my in-laws for the dowry.
a toilet that poops back
I have quite a few funny people I follow that I'm sad don't follow me back. Then I realized why... It's because I skeet about buttholes a lot. It's hard being rad.
I want to know everything
Loud and wrong people are shaping our society and i'm entirely sick of it.
Hogwarts is Alf’s STD outbreak
hey, thanks for following, you will regret it
The thing about bug spray is the commitment. No matter how long you’re gonna be working outside, you’re not reuniting with your couch until you have a shower and I don’t like that.
You think you are going to hook up with my online girlfriend? Keep dreaming muchacho. We are practically married, bro. We are so close, I let her have all my credit card information.
Me: You should check out this funny video of chickens dancing to dubstep. Captain Hook: Haha, that sounds effing awesome, send me the link! Me: Actually, you have to install TikTok… Captain Hook: Aw, hell nah!!
Me: Did you hear about the TikTok ban? Captain Hook: It's about time!
*captain hook terrified listening to all the crew talk about tiktok*
Her: You can't hide from yourself! Me: I do it all the time! It's called dissociating!
wow i can't believe they have a whole holiday dedicated to the act of reading your skeets
It's really nice knowing nice people.
I shouldn't have to know who this many people are. I am a thing of the damp, dark, subterranean caverns.
i think i have schrödingers credit card i have no money but lots of money at the same time
Show me on this cat calendar the last time you got laid.
I guess I'm guilty, if caring too much about taking things that don't belong to me is a crime.
You think explaining lesbians to kids is awkward? I was at Domino's and my 5-yo asked what a sticker that said “avoid the noid” meant and I was like “uh, it's um the anthropomorphism of waiting for a pizza more than 30 minutes or uhhh it's not fresh or something um” and quickly changed the subject.
Who am I to judge? Me. That's who I am.
So I never watched more of Black Mirror does every episode involve fucking a pig?
When my throat hurts, and I realize I'm going to Google my inevitable downfall (WebMD says Gordon Ramsey gave me cancer)
Hearing reports the President has locked himself in his bedroom the last four days, and has been listening to Morrissey at an unfathomable volume. Every six hours he slips a note out under the door, asking for more Diet Coke and McNuggets. The notes are signed "The Boy with the Thorn in His Side."
Once again securing a place in the hierarchy of survivors after the world ends.
I guess if every single thing and person is being annoying then the real problem might be me
Super Mario but it's about actual plumbing tasks like fixing toilets and faucets and what the proper material, size, and sealant is to replace an incorrectly installed pipe, and you get a license if you beat the game.
my son has decided he wants to become "a famous rapper" and he's practicing by doing the fast parts of Rap God but he doesn't actually know any of the words and i love every second of it on every level
[husband] and ill order a large pizza for the table [me] babe wait i dont think tables can eat pizza
asked my hairdresser to give me “the rachel.” i should have specified—not maddow.
Was super depressed so I went to see Toxic Avenger. I am now slightly less depressed and the other guy in the theatre seemed to enjoy himself as well. Thank you, world.
"Extended family" is English for "network of people disappointed in you."
Knowing I’m not going to be homeless anymore: priceless.
People keep telling me to “read theory”. Buddy, I got a theory. It says when people die they wake up as seagulls, and thats what seagulls are
sorry for mom posting 5: i’m cupe. that means i’m cute and i poop
got a healthy new vice
FLASH FLOOD WARNING IN YOUR PANTS
Are there other schnitzels besides weiner
Do you think they make a novelty T-shirt with such a dirty joke on it that it’s rated NC-17? Would Spencer’s even sell it?
Did you know that, on the Signal app, you can download voice messages people leave you? Particularly the ones where they're screaming at you? Oh, you had to be smart enough to download them before the OP deleted them, so just preemptively save everything as a precaution. You'll be happy you did!
i think the bigfoots don't want to be found because they know we would put them to work
We no longer call it ‘micropenis’ from here on out it is Bone-Petite.
recycle halloween update: if you are buying jedi/boxer/ghostface/jigsaw/wizard robes new from spirit halloween you are a SUCKER, every little thrift store that has an awkward little costume rack has one in every color for 2 dollars. They are like fur coats, we have enough for everyone second hand.
More like chief executive orifice amirite.
Bajillion dollar idea: a maximum wage
farts are the ghosts of the food we eat
I’m a ghost hunter, but not like the kind that do it for trophies, I try to respect the ghosts and use as much of their meat as I can.
This person has FIFTY THOUSAND FOLLOWERS
[licks thumb] come here you’ve got a little schmutz
I drove myself insane for you, please respond
Suspension of disroastbeef
big watermelon doesn't want you to know that if you swallow a seed, it doesn't grow in your stomach. it grows in your intestines (where the poop is) and then watermelon grows out of your butt
The worst people online hate this app for embarrassing reasons
*beep beep* all aboard the struggle bus
*puts on readers to roll a joint
Whoever named Butterflies doesn’t get to name anything else, because I just tried to spread one on a piece of toast and suffice to say that didn’t go very well.
i think nate silver is a made up thing, like euchre
Here are some more betterer skeetsmiths....shitposters if you will.
i love the unmistakable sound of a skateboard going down the street
That only opens more wormholes
i don’t want to go back to work :(
that burger really lifted my spirits
I will admit that I don't know what the noid represents but I am willing to listen and do the work.
hey man I don't give a shit what Nate Silver says
i used to put ketchup on mac & cheese if you’re looking for a girl with a refined palate
petition that we don’t go to work tomorrow and make every day labor day
bluesky is dying? perhaps you just need to like my glib and textually unwarranted skeets even harder.
Introverts don’t recharge with sleep, we recharge by being left completely alone for 3–5 business days
I feel like I could win a fight against at least a dozen woodland creatures.
WIFE: You're very quiet. What are you thinking? ME: When a squirrel says he needs to bust a nut, does he mean he's hungry or horny HER: Sometimes it's ok to say 'nothing'.
[public bathroom] ME (calling into a stall): doing okay sweetie? 6YO NIECE: yeah it’s a good poop ME: what makes it a good poop 6YO NIECE: it didn’t happen in my pants
i want it doggy style baby. yeah, a belly rub why what did you think i meant
Not sure if this umm *squints at watch* Rolox is the real deal.
You think explaining lesbians to kids is awkward? I was at Domino's and my 5-yo asked what a sticker that said “avoid the noid” meant and I was like “uh, it's um the anthropomorphism of waiting for a pizza more than 30 minutes or uhhh it's not fresh or something um” and quickly changed the subject.
Gangsters be out there poppin’ caps while I’m over here passing clots. COME AT ME BRO.
[Giuliani's final breath] Tell my family I loved...9/11
Schrödinger's Cheeto
Every day, the struggle continues to contain the need to share my music playlist.
Who decided to call it Skircle when chronically online was right there?