You know what Trump's thinking about right now? Joe Biden, Barack Obama, and the Clintons... ...sitting in the front pew at Trump's funeral.
A Republic, if you can keep it.
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You know what Trump's thinking about right now? Joe Biden, Barack Obama, and the Clintons... ...sitting in the front pew at Trump's funeral.
If you think I'm being a crass insensitive smartass about this now, wait until you see how I am if he actually does die.
MAGAs be like, who else would have the stamina to play a round of golf after being dead for three days? Huh? Huh? He really is Jesus.
JD Vance: "Immigration destroys national unity!" Also JD Vance: Thanksgiving gonna be awkward.
You know who benefits most from antivaccine conspiracy theories as national health policy? Our enemies.
Trans people never stole the entire Social Security database and put every American at risk by uploading their personal information to an unsecure server. But Trump and Elon Musk sure did.
Told you. Trump is like herpes, just when you think he's gone he's back.
I've never seen social media so ... hopeful
Trump fakes his own death to avoid releasing the Epstein files.
Don't get your hopes up, Folks We're not that lucky.
Yes. That WAS the reference I was going for here. Nazis fleeing to south America after the war.
Trans people aren't stopping Americans on the street and demanding to see their papers. But Trump's Gestapo sure are.
Joni Ernst will not seek reelection I assume to get a head start over other republicans before all the planes to non-extradition South American countries fill up.
A trans person never caused the price of my groceries to increase by 60% over the last 8 months. But Republican policies sure did.
A trans person has never threatened me. But the leather-faced worm-brained science-denying conspiracy nut in charge of America's healthcare is openly threatening to kill and maim tens of thousands of us.
BREAKING: Robert F. Kennedy Jr poised to surpass gun violence as leading cause of death among American children.
Don't worry, Folks. Your prayers worked. The guns are safe.
So, fascism came for John Bolton. God is an iron.
Breaking: Robert F. Kennedy Jr bit a radioactive shrimp. The shrimp has now died
Every single museum in America needs to print out "Actually, slavery WAS that bad" and post it on their front door today.
The guy in charge of America's health is a raving antivax loon who drinks raw milk, eats rotten whale meat, and thinks Froot Loops cause autism. AND he has a dead worm in his brain. I mean, seriously, how much worse can radioactive Walmart shrimp possibly make it?
Gavin Newsome really want to troll Trump voters, he'd start showing up at the McDonald's drive-thru wearing orange face paint.
Okay, hear me out, what if we hired some 15-year-old Russian goons to "car-jack" Big Balls. Maybe then Trump would finally take military action and stand up to Putin.
The only way Putin could have owned Trump any harder is if he'd shown up wearing a Я с тупым T-shirt Once again demonstrating the difference between a trained educated focused professional (say what you want about Putin, but he is that) and an out of his depth no fucking clue amateur.
This is the National Guard. And it's the National Guard after twenty years of decreasing standards and increasing white nationalism in the ranks. I couldn't say how it's going to go with any certainty, but if I had to guess I'd venture that it's not going to be good.
You know, I sure do hope all this fascism doesn't cut into Jake Tapper's book profits. That would be a damn shame.
So, what are we looking at here? 1200 soldiers deployed to Washington DC? That should be more than enough to secure the White House, take the criminal in the Oval Office into custody, and liberate the Epstein files.
If you're watching Trump's press conference, a good way to make sure you fully comprehend his message is whenever he says "homeless," "criminals," "scum," "filth," "savagery," "gang," and/or "illegal," substitute in the word "black."
One of the most brilliant satirists that ever lived, Tom Lehrer, just died. I doubt you would find his humor about nuclear war, mass murder, dead pigeons, and well prepared Boy Scouts funny either. And that's a damn shame, because it means you're missing the fucking point. 2/2
Political humor isn't supposed to funny, not in the belly laugh, knee slapping manner. It's uncomfortable, too close to the truth, you laugh because if you don't you'll cry. 1/
Trump will meet with Vladimir Putin next week to negotiate an end to the war. Of course, Ukraine will have to give up some territory to secure peace with Russia. Namely Alaska.
JD Vance in England: Soooo, over here you guys call em a "settee" is that right?
I miss the days when Louie Gohmert was the stupidest Republican.
Remember that time Herschel Walker flashed his plastic cereal box police badge and said he was a real cop? That was some sad, but funny, shit. Anyway, Dean Cain is an ICE Agent.
Any American who thinks Trump has somehow lowered the price of groceries obviously doesn't drink coffee.
Suddenly, it hit me where I'd seen Charlie Kirk before...
I'll fire just as many of you losers as it takes to improve the employment numbers, goddammit! And I don't want to hear any griping about morale either.
Seriously though, who hasn't cut a billionaire sex trafficking best friend out of their life after he poached one of your 16-year-old "spa attendants" from your golf-course country club of rich old white men? The fucking nerve, amiright?
YES, yesterday, congress allegedly turned down her offer This morning however, the MSM is interviewing congressmen talking about possible testimony. Then again, this is the same MSM who've been running 8 hour late stories about possible tsunamis, so you pays your money and you takes your chances
This of course being the same guy who pardoned the violent January 6th insurrectionists who tried to overthrow an election in his name? That guy? Huh. 2/2
So, Congress is going to give convicted child sex trafficker Jizzlaine Maxwell, a known liar and perjurer, immunity to testify about the only guy who can grant her a pardon? 1/
And just like that, the dogs and cats of Springfield, Ohio, were no longer considered food and were never talked about again.
Also, this is where gas station sushi comes from. Pretty sure.
It's amazing though when you see a Great Blue plow into a wind turbine and get chopped into thin flat circles like a giant zucchini. You're like, Bro! How could you not see that thing? It's right THERE. Anyway, save the North Dakota whales, pump more oil! Am I doing this right?
I drove through North Dakota two months ago and I can tell you the smell of all the rotting whale carcasses killed by all the wind turbines is pretty hard to take.
Anyway, we gotta do something about all these whales getting killed by North Dakota windfarms. It's ruining the golf courses, man.
Removed a post. Appears the quoted image might have been faked even though I saw it several times in the MSM, but then that's the world we live in now, isn't it? Where you can't tell real from fake and fake is regarded as truth by those in charge of our country. Apologies.
Cane sugar? Whatever. Trump wants to impress me, he'd get them to go back to making Coca-Cola with real cocaine. Now, if we can just get RFK Jr. onboard...
The credulousness of business leaders and major media outlets and everyday people when it comes to AI is literally pushing me into a career in tech accountability I cannot stand this stupidity
The angry inch
As a taxpayer, I would be willing to sacrifice however many F-35s it takes to get any male American who needs it penis enlargement surgery. Because if the number of giant trucks with those dangerously extended mirrors is any indication, there is a major epidemic of tiny dicks in this country.
The rich and powerful men most likely to be IN the Epstein files are the same people who control ACCESS to the Epstein files. And, Buddy, nothing epitomizes America more than that.
Someone needs to take the Epstein files to a Coldplay concert.
Orwell 1984: We've always been at war with Eastasia. Trump 2025: There never was an Epstein list.
So, about that Jeff Epstein client list. Weird, huh? Yeah, really weird.
I'll be on the road again today. Leaving the Colorado National Monument and heading east. I won't be celebrating the 4th of July. But I just might find myself in an Alliance-friendly bar this "U" day... looking for a quiet drink.
Sunset over the desert. Moab, Utah. Apologies for the lack of posting, but I'm on the road, the Badlands of South Dakota, then Northern Montana, the Utah desert, and now up in the high mesas of Colorado. I don't have much in the way of bandwidth or connectivity. I'll check in when I can.
If we have to be forced into a war in the Middle East by our convicted felon and sex pest conspiracy nut leader, I can't think of anyone better to lead our military than an drunken lout of a Fox News host who never washes his hands after using the toilet.
Great turnout for my Stonekettle talk at MisCon this afternoon. Thanks everyone. Can't believe you all showed up to hear me blather on about war and politics and myself. Thanks again, sincerely.
If you take a rat and put a wire into the pleasure center of its brain and then hit it with electrical current, it will orgasm uncontrollably until the creature dies of exhaustion. What? Oh, nothing. Just thinking about John Bolton when he heard the news we were bombing Iran.
Where my "Hillary/Kamala will get us into a war" people at?
I am very, very happy to be wrong. I'm glad especially to see independents split on this. I was pretty sure the protests would create a more even split, but Trump being down 15 points on this one issue tells me I was too worried.
Hello, Missoula. I have arrived at MisCon. I have coffee. Let's go.
We've been there several times
I'm somewhere in the Badlands of South Dakota with spotty internet but wanted to take what few bars I have and wish you all a happy Juneteenth Especially those this day enrages
Even though Trump is a clown and buffoon, he is still President of the United States and commander in chief of the largest military on the planet, which includes a vast nuclear arsenal. For him to say this is utterly unconscionable. If he plans to act on it, well.
Trump thought he'd be watching news coverage of his stupid North Korean style military parade. He thought American would cheer him and his fascism. Instead tonight he's watching every city in America, every town, rise up against him. Happy Birthday, Asshole.
Trump got up thinking, it's my Birthday! I'm getting a parade of soldiers, tanks, and marching bands because I'm so awesome! Then millions of people took to the streets to rain on his parade. When he turns on the TV tonight, that's what he's going to see on every channel.
Given his pithy biting commentary regarding American political vernacular, it's really too bad George Carlin isn't around any more. Imagine what he'd do with "remigration."
Trump said he was imposing tariffs to get rid of illegal fentanyl use. Anyone know how that's working out? What? Oh. Well, at least we've got peace in the Middle East, cheap gas, and economic stability, amiright?
Maybe arresting Senators is what it's finally gonna take for the Senate to start doing its fucking job. But I wouldn't count on it.
Time for another strongly worded letter.
The LA rioters are out of hand. I've been watching social media and Fox News and I'm telling you they've burned that same Waymo taxi like 50 times now.
LA. Isn't that where all the cameras are? Hollywood, news media, livestreams, podcasts, tourists. Seems like someone would have gotten the city burning to the ground in real time. Or not real time. All the time. Who's running these riots? Bigfoot, Amelia Earhart, the Loch Ness Monster, and Elvis?
It's always fascinating to me, the moral flexibility of moral absolutists. I mean, this guy could lick his own asshole.
You know, it would be a good day for some patriotic anonymous government worker who's likely to get fired anyway to release those unredacted Epstein files.
THANK YOU, PRESIDENT TRUMP, YOU ARE SO WONDERFUL. WE WOULD BE NOTHING WITHOUT YOU, SIR Say it with feeling. Louder. LOUDER. And try to ignore the cold metal of the muzzle at the back of your neck. That's what Republicans call freedom.
What if this Kim Jong errr uh Trump Birthday Parade is really just an excuse to roll the tanks and the machine guns into DC and round up all the foreign looking brown people? Or just brown people.
Ernst Röhm to Elon Musk: You too?
It's so bad, Volodymyr Zelenskyy has offered to negotiate a peace deal between Trump and Musk, but only if Trump agrees to forfeit all government territory taken by Musk during his invasion of government
Well, I know at least one Immigrant who going to get a visit from ICE
Poor Trump. I mean, this thing with Musk coming so soon after Trump's breakup with Vladimir Putin. Rebound relationships never work.
Now that I've been informed by the President of America that it's possible: I'm looking into replacing myself with either a clone or a robot.
Susie Wiles: Good Morning, Mr. President! We have a situation. Trump: I'll say we do. Wiles: The National Security Advisor is on his way, but the short version is Ukraine just blew up half of Russia's strategic bomber fleet. Trump: Wiles: Trump: Joe Biden was replaced in 2020 by a robot.
Good morning and welcome to Pride Month 2025, when "straight" white Christians get on social media, TV, and their pulpits and demonstrate how they think about gay sex way, way more and in far greater detail than than gay people do.
So... Trump told us that these tariffs were going to stop the illegal trafficking and use of opioids. Remember? That's what he promised. Tariffs on Canada, Mexico, and China until they stop the Fentanyl. How's that going, anyone know?
In 2014, Alan Eustace achieved the highest altitude skydive ever recorded, jumping from 135,889 feet above the earth's surface. Before that, the record was held by Felix Baumgartner, who jumped from 127,852 feet in 2012. Neither man, however, was as high as Elon Musk was today in the Oval Office.
Suggestion: We secretly replace the tanks in Trump's military parade with taco trucks.
Musk isn't "leaving" government service. He's making his getaway.
If I was a teacher in Texas, I'd be showing the 1956 Charlton Heston movie on continuous loop. What? Fuck you, shoulda been more specific.
If you're a street taco vender in D.C. and you're not set up on the Mall in front of the White House right now advertising Trump TACOs, you're a damn fool.
I've been watching Truth Social for the last 8 hours, but President TACO hasn't posted yet on the courts blocking his illegal tariffs. They must have him sedated.
MAGA puffing on a Marlboro Advance and downing his third Red Bull of the morning while watching RFK Jr on Fox News: Ya'll, we really gotta do sumptin' 'bout them chemicals in Froot Loops!
The good thing about new military officers having to sit through Trump's West Point address is that war will seem way less horrible in comparison.
Well, it sure didn't take very long for Trump go from deporting poor "illegal immigrants" to coming after rich legal Ivy League foreign students. Sooner or later, they'll come for you too. Fascism always does.
Democrats need to make it very, very clear that if Trump continues to abuse his power and weaponize government against the citizens that Chuck Schumer will write another strongly worded letter. A VERY strongly worded letter.
America, where we restrict access to vaccines and healthcare, but you can have all the guns you want.
Habeus Corpus was the middle of Immortan Joe's sons, between Scabrous Scrotus and Ricktus Erectus Just saying, if you're in front of Congress and the nation and you don't know the answer and you're just going to bullshit it, go big, go entertaining, go funny. Go for the nerd vote, shiny and chrome
IT SLOW GROWING AND IT DOESN'T AFFECT HIS ABILITY TO DO HIS JOB MEN LIVE WITH IT FOR YEARS WITHOUT A PROBLEM OKAY STUPID LIBTARDS!?!!? -- Republicans, if Trump were diagnosed with prostate cancer right now.
We know more about Biden's prostate than the details of Trump's secret Central American gulag