Chores and errands ran headfirst into beautiful weather and day drinking. Oh well!
Eatin' cotton candy from the garbage can
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Chores and errands ran headfirst into beautiful weather and day drinking. Oh well!
I’m honestly tired of always being marketed to. Like damn leave me alone.
Let's be friends on Steam 😘
If I'm ever in a drum circle it's because they're chicken drumsticks
People love to assume you’re inherently evil when really you’re just under the psychic control of a dark wizard with nefarious plans
Not fitting in means that you’re custom-made.
Might fade slowly into the background soon
The graffiti in my neighborhood is so lame
you’re a little less lonely with a pepperoni
This not being a daily troublemaker is exhausting.
"More like Dame Judi Drenched" I say as I ready the water balloon launcher
trees that know ventriloquism can throw shade
Overheard from the young people, "Why do guys get the cool, classic nicknames like Dick?!"
Nothing is stopping you from putting a stuffed olive toothpick skewer through your sandwich half. It's not just for cartoons, it can be real, it can happen to you.
Drop an old person you're going to turn into in the future Helen Roper!
Introverts don’t recharge with sleep, we recharge by being left completely alone for 3–5 business days
i love the unmistakable sound of a skateboard going down the street
😭
That metal aftertaste. Gross
Boss: Team, we need a new strategy Me: spinning bowties Boss: Me: what was the question again
“Someday I’ll show my teen a video they haven’t already seen before,” I whisper into my morning coffee.
Hawaiian Punch from a can tastes like a fruity metal can
She's been with me for 13 years. I know she understands me but just doesn't care lol
Today's tshirt
Throwing myself violently on to my bed several times a day is a form of therapy.
I got myself into this mess, and you're gonna get me out.
Mrs Ruby Nipple Montana, County Voting Records, 1884-1992
Source? It was revealed to me in a dream.
keep all my homies’ info in a brolladex
who up regulating their emotions with candy
my 5 year plan is to pretend like the last 5 years were a figment of my imagination
*watching porn* they’re just going to let that pizza get cold?
I would do absolutely anything for my friends, unless it's slightly inconvenient or boring
Me: i'll have a Dr.Pepper Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok? Me: is he a doctor?
Visualizing your goals makes them easier to abandon.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
him: I’m don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation rookie astronaut: *opening a family size bag of M&M’s on his first night aboard the ISS* huh?
did you know you can crush eggshells to make plant food or that you can set yourself on fire
Cutting your jugular vein will kill you. Cutting your juggler vein will only kill your innate juggling abilities
Glad you're okay! Ilu!
My MIL had to call a plumber. Im dying
Why wait regretting your behavior until tomorrow when you can regret it right now
Omg are you OK???
Yes after I had saved the orphans I went back to my car where I informed the cheering crowd that I was more legally sober than any man on earth, and drove away. That’s when the unfortunate event happened.
It’s lovely that if swallowed incorrectly, an innocuous sip of water can fuck up your next ten minutes, or kill you.
Audacity would be an adorable name for a little girl
Just once i'd like to see a shark wearing people tooth jewellery
I only wear cargo shorts because i can fit a Rotisserie Chicken into each pocket
Cracking open and knocking back a few cold ones with the boys to celebrate Labor Day weekend right!
i didn't go to a lot of weddings because it's not polite to outshine the bride
I know it's not Halloween but I had to buy this ghost cat. I'm going to keep him out year round because I love him
Any weekend plans? Might strap on my bedazzled fanny pack later and go poke all the " fresh" produce at the Super Walmart.
Being attractive as a man is all about making sure you have just the right amount of hand. Being handful is too much, handless is too little. You're looking for handsome.
I just told one cat to quit being a bitch to the other cat. She meowed in a "fuck you i do what I want" tone and ran away
pipin’ hot Fresca
Arby's should start serving breakfast and just have it be all their regular menu items but with a single fried egg on top
First date idea: we go out for his & hers lie detector tests just to clear a few things up
i bet if you had antlers rubbing them on a tree would feel great
Drill baby drill sounds sexy, but it’s actually very dangerous to allow toddlers to run oil rigs.
No one gets fancy oil paintings or busts made of themselves anymore and that makes me sad
*holds your hands in mine* *looks deep into your eyes* Let’s make this box of donuts a home.
Yahd Y-A-R-D Yahd - Bostonian Spelling Bee
*walks into fully lit room *screeches like a bat
a secret Taco Bell that performs euthanasias
You had me at low rise hipster
No more musician biopics. They all use the same formula. I don't care anymore. Oh shit. That will be the name of the Phil Collins biopic.
Chasing down the car that was next to me at the red-light so I can scream I was scratching my nose. I WASN'T PICKING MY NOSE.
Weed and video games = ❤️
I keep my house just clean enough so when I die I'm not totally embarrassed.
I’m 6’3”. Both in height and circumference.
To know myself is simply none of my business
I've decided to make 17% of my personality about grapefruit spoons, up from the previous 0%. 3% is already about that weird tiny butter knife neglected at the back of a drawer.
I don't have irony poisoning, but I am drinking this arsenic because it tastes really good.
Babe are you mad at me? You’re not reskeeting me.
I sleep on my side to give ghosts the option of little or big spoon
ME: Whoa unique horn HORSE WITH A HORN: Thanks- wait say that again
former kids who read too many books and didnt know how to pronounce the words you learned gang say hey
the feminine urge to tame a teen wolf
tony falsetto
Sometimes I wonder if my soulmate has already blocked me on here.
Feeling okay until I realized I weigh more than a baby giraffe at the zoo.
*gives a thumbs up to the crowd as I'm lifted out of the claw machine at the mall again
Today's tshirt
only you can prevent pants on fire
The only legitimate form of art is making car eating robotic dinosaur monsters for monster truck rallies
The key to avoid disappointments is to ignore everything.
Godzilla vs Mechagodzilla (1974) #godzilla
[guy who's never heard of Elvis] getting some real Johnny Bravo vibes from this guy
thank you for your feedback 30 internet strangers i hadn't considered the less funny version of my joke
The dread isn't existential anymore.
[unexpected theremin interlude]
24hr emergency hotline for when you urgently need to talk to someone about a weird bird you just saw