“you don’t choose them, they choose you,” I say, talking about mental illnesses
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“you don’t choose them, they choose you,” I say, talking about mental illnesses
Amygdala, It's time for your therapy.
Amygdala would be a beautiful name for a girl
How old were you when they were popular?
Visualizing your goals makes them easier to abandon.
I want to be famous enough for people to get tattoos of me.
A Gentleman should carry a pair of needle nosed pliers with him at all times, in case of an errant nose hair.
Truly not caring what other people think of you ends with you in jail.
If I were president, the first thing I'd do is finish off the manatees. They disrupt boating.
They should put more food in buckets. I’d like a bucket of meatballs.
I don't even know what a levee is, but you take a chevy there and it might break.
omg I boiled your daughter’s pet rabbit as a joke calm down
I just hate this tech. I've seen other people start to call it obscene and that is truly what it is. GenAI is obscene. It's an affront to humanity, pushed by tech bros and c-suiters who are forcing this rancid emptiness onto everyone else because they themselves believe in nothing.
AI's best use case will always be scams. It's scamtech, top to bottom. Everything about it is crooked. Its bedrock is theft and its legacy is the destruction of the environment, both physical and virtual. Even most of its 'legitimate' uses are a form of lying. "I wrote this." "I created this."
troll!
It's a meanspirited and ugly joke. Comedy is subtle.
I’m very classy. One of society’s elite, to be sure.
If a woman flirts with me, I normally say, "What, are you fucking with me?"
What if our hands met in the $5 DVD bin at Walmart?
People that understand sarcasm are the real heroes.
You Sir, are an incredible asshole.
Hello 911?
Going into labor looks like so much fun. Contractions must feel so good without an epidural
We could do this my way or my way.
Semen contains prostaglandins and I need it to ripen my cervix. Shoot your loads my way fellas
who up early flicking bean
My kink is calling me out on my bullshit
the feminine urge to tame a teen wolf
*shovel corn straight from a can into my mouth* define “given up”
My greatest fear is that Medusa will walk in on me jacking off.
I wish I had a trained ape. Then I'd have my revenge.
Apparently Hello Kitty is some sort of hideous little girl with whiskers and cat ears.
I never got to flamerthrower anything.
If an old man sitting next to me, was making love to his tonic and gin, I’d call the police.
I say ranch, ronch. “Care for any ronch dressing,” I might say. People get so angry.
I wouldn't say anything on social media that I wouldn't yell at you, riding by in a car.
No one could ever play me in a film, as George C. Scott is dead.
“I see there’s a gap in your resume?” “Yeah, I was drifting from town to town to hide my shame.”
I'm reading a book on voodoo so some of you sons of bitches are in for a hoodoo bewitching.
Went for a run outside like a fucking loser who is trying to outrun the inevitability of death
A French mouse detective that gasps & exclaims "diabolique!" when they're on to something.
You know you’re doing Bluesky right when people block you for no reason.
They write songs about it.
I picture you as 32, when I picture you, which I don't.
Anytime a 20-something guesses I’m in my thirties (I’m in my forties), an angel gets its wings.
I'd be soulmates with you but I learned on the internet that I'm an NPC.
is there anything else you want to do before I disappear into the night
sorry for being a huge bitch it's just something I love doing
I got the dyson grip. my pussy will rip your dick clean off
do you think those beautiful step sisters ever get stuck in the dryer on purpose
first base is when I say something that makes you cry
If you’re mad at me you have to get over it
I'm 52 and all my dreams are dead an buried, so yada yada yada Trump.
My brother sent me this
The Summer I Realized I Was Ugly.
I should just wear diapers so I could sleep though the night, as my Goddam prostate makes me wake up at least three times. I'd have diaper rash, but be well rested.
My whole house is "Man Cave." I have a car engine on my coffee table that I haven't touched in three years.
At the crime scene, I'd be the guy saying the victim with his head cut off got a "Really close shave." The Captain would tell me to shut my fucking mouth.
I have no idea what this means?
Our First lady is a dirty, dirty whore.
I'm sure they would.
If I were in a movie about police officers, I'd be the guy eating the chili dog at the horrific, gruesome crime scene.
In Hong Kong, you can be nicknamed "Tequila," and nobody calls you a douche bag.
In the John Woo universe, you never reload your gun, it just sprays bullets until the fight is done.
How about I be your Yesferatu.
When I was younger I wanted to change the world. Now I just want everyone to leave me alone.
Hot dog water is just pork tea.
When I see JFC, I think Jesus Fried Chicken
je ne sais queef
One of my fondest memories is Gilbert Gottfried doing an impression of Michael Jackson and saying "Gabagool," repeatedly.
You are a naturally beautiful woman, but have you considered how you might look with giant bloated sausage lips?
I bet Mary Poppins was good in the sack. She was good at everything else.
Your dad blasts my baja every night.
The one thing you won't do for love is known as your Meat Loaf Boundary
good morning
Who keeps crackers in a barrel? That’s a lot of crackers.
Yes I heard your horn the first time a split second after the light turned green. Why do you think I'm typing this.
I ain't grateful for nothing. I want more.
The taste of the gabagool, cool on his tongue, summoned memories of the gabagool of his youth, the small pleasure of sneaking bites of gabagool from a sunlit kitchen where his mother would gently chide. "No, darling," she would say, wiping a stray gabagool from her face, "no gabagool until supper."
Damn it, I'm finally at my Airbnb and it turns out it's just the trunk of a 1975 Cadillac Fleetwood.
The Love Boat promoted promiscuity. It was the tool of the devil.
I can't decide if my favorite band is Human League or Spandau Ballet.
I like the word moist. It describes so many delightful things.
Think I may quit my job and start doing computers. Anybody know how to do computers?
There's always a jealous Greek goddess screwing with your boat. You patch the hole, you burn a goat for her. You know, you just deal with it.
I should be really happy right now so I'm going to find a way to suffer, instead
Nothing is stopping you from putting a stuffed olive toothpick skewer through your sandwich half. It's not just for cartoons, it can be real, it can happen to you.
Frog knocked at Toad’s door. “Toad, wake up,” he cried. “Come out and see how wonderful the winter is!” “I will not,” said Toad. “I am in my warm bed.”
You can just say you’re the other guy from Wham! and people will believe you
I caught the leprechaun and said, “Make with the gold, little fella.” And he said, “The pot of gold is just a legend. The only gift I can offer you is friendship.” So I killed him.
He keeps talking about being a dictator. If that were my country, I’d be doing something, and I’m a fuckin idiot.
I want to write a funny Jean Shepherd type story about dying of a heart attack.
"Chaps," could mean a couple of fellows or sexy cowboy riding pants.
Mine is a Cinderella story. I have dainty feet that fit into glass slippers.