Food is my love language. Today I loved myself. It was poetry.
Spokesperson for beavers. Please take everything I post seriously. 🇨🇦 Beave regular: https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:kvec6rzfk4af2gjfiu33ccf2/feed/aaaed5pb5i4jg Best of: https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:kvec6rzfk4af2gjfiu33ccf2/feed/aaakj4nnz7hgi
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Food is my love language. Today I loved myself. It was poetry.
Let it go let it go let it go let it go *heavy sigh*
brb i gotta stand in the shower until all the sin is gone
It’s labor day and I’m still waiting to go into labor
freeze drying this extra love someone might need it someday
sometimes all you need is great music, a tank of gas, and your favorite person.
just need to take care of one last thing before i start my soft girl era.
September is the beginning of summer's end, and the end of spring's beginning. Autumn lies just 'round the bend, with winter's chill portending.
Starter Pack Shizzle 🥰🥰🥰🥰
This isn’t resting bitch face, it’s just 40+ years of people exposure.
Mr Roger’s: Won’t you be my neighbor Me: Let me see your voter registration card
my superpower is using every tool in the kitchen to make a recipe with "one-pot" in the title
annual reminder
If you’re not volunteering at the maternity ward tomorrow do you even deserve the day off?
too tired for public consumption but not nearly unwound enough to stfu and go to bed about
August was a year of a month.
no alt text in your quote skeet of my post? detached
your Mom stole my Ravishing Rick Rude poster
Monday Mood
Absolutely not, I want it all.
🥹💕
Princess in repose.
🤣
There’s still time!
Tysm! I think I’m singlehandedly funding my dermatologist’s retirement 🥰
I think I have this on my work badge 😂
This isn’t resting bitch face, it’s just 40+ years of people exposure.
I see you just posted something inspirational. First time on the internet?
If you try hard enough, every water fountain is a bidet.
Two-handed with my foot on your skull for extra torque.
Jerk me off like you’re trying to start a lawn mower or don’t waste my time.
thank you for your feedback 30 internet strangers i hadn't considered the less funny version of my joke
I've started calling men's underwear "panties" and it's been a real mood booster
I don't know. I just can't relate with people who want to relate to people. Ew.
Regular Sunday: ugh tomorrow is Monday. Holiday Monday Sunday: I am immortal. Nothing can hurt me.
Skipped my bedtime Advil if you’re into bad girls who flirt with danger.
Of course because we’re soulmates
Regular Sunday: ugh tomorrow is Monday. Holiday Monday Sunday: I am immortal. Nothing can hurt me.
Good night everybody. I love you and I love vodka. Thanks for your nonsense! 🥰
Something about Simon & Garfunkel's Scarborough Fair brings out my inner stripper
I sighed about it and decided I don't want to feel things anymore.
why go to therapy when you can trauma dump on a stranger’s post online and make it all about you for free
Hot dog water is just pork tea.
test me with an alt so i know it’s real
What if our hands met in the $5 DVD bin at Walmart?
in my sicko era (turning my phone off silent)
high above us the stars are like go back to bed
Yes!
I hope so! I have a few questions.
they don’t tell you this at the door, but you can hang out at panera for like 10 hours and no one will care
Just remembered I have a weed brownie in the freezer and honestly this is better than finding God.
I love a thrill... like when you hold down backspace and it starts erasing like 10x faster fuck
[Taking the gun out of my mouth] MAYBE I JUST LIKE THE TASTE DID YOU EVER THINK OF THAT
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
You look like Halloween, it makes me want a pumpkin spice latte real bad
They should make a self cleaning apartment
I blew some bubbles in my garden and iced my nipples.
Our Emperor Tamarin "Elliot" is aware he looks like Wilford Brimley and is so sick of hearing about it.
[pitching movie ideas] • it’s a horror movie but about eating at Burger King • a horror movie but a friend needs help to move • a horror movie but the neighbors invite you over for dinner • a horror movie but the world’s out of all stimulants • a horror movie but it’s found footage of news from 2025
I always assumed the B in Plan B stood For Butthole
Sometimes I wonder if my soulmate has already blocked me on here.
wait these tattoos are permanent??
The key to avoid disappointments is to ignore everything.
the six remaining cicadas in my neighborhood are all incels
Wow, you'll just kiss lips emoji anyone now
*annoying my brother by calling his half marathon "half of a marathon"*
The guy she told you not to worry about
Good thing I have a pill organizer, otherwise I wouldn't know what day it is.
Isn’t Nick the only real nickname
accountant: we need to talk about the bottom line optometrist: what
Her: Hi. Me: Don’t bother, I’m an idiot.
Netflix 2026 documentary: Fall of the Podcast Bros
I’d like to think we’re better than this, but I won’t.
I think we need some better vibes around here
Take a chance. Trust that fart. I believe in you.
Reposting hot people ONLY tonight.
asked for 2 Fire sauces but they gave me 4, were they flirting with me???
The Girl with the Pillsbury Doughboy Tattoo
who up early flicking bean
I am skeptical when you have like seven businesses or special interests hobbies. It's like wives. You get one wife.
They should invent a being blonde for men
Let me unhinge my jaw and swallow you whole real quick.
Buttholes are like snowflakes: unique, delicate, and if you’re lucky one might even land on your tongue when you stick it out.
*polishes your vagina dentata with an electric toothbrush
Happy as a lark Naked as a jaybird Annoying as a seagull
Time to make my butthole shine
😂
McDonalds has every ability to make the golden arches show a different color if the ice cream / shake machine is down so people passing by can save a lap through the parking lot or drive thru. Why make it hard?
Buttholes are like snowflakes: unique, delicate, and if you’re lucky one might even land on your tongue when you stick it out.
I judge people by the quality of their butthole skeets.
I keep asking people what LGBQT stands for. So far I haven’t gotten a straight answer.
When you need to get it out of your head but you don't want to put it out into the universe Anyway, here's Wonderwall
Indiana Jones and the Fucking Audacity of 2025.
Audacity would be an adorable name for a little girl
Wife: I got something for us to share! Me: Is it a quaalude?
self-leveling cock
