I do not want to leave, it’s so beautiful here.
50% fat, 30% bosoms, 30% mathematician, 100% muppet.
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I do not want to leave, it’s so beautiful here.
We is at the beach. Current view is absolutely hideous.
Here’s to sunny skies from here on in x
Here’s hoping that the rest of the year is blumming fabulous xx
Home for me, The Feral Loin Fruit™️, Middledaught’s bestie and Eldestdaught’s boyf for the next few days. I already do not want to leave.
Excellent news x
I decided against choosing this holiday cottage as the shower appears to be haunted by someone’s nan.
Pwahahaha x
There’d better be a commemorative plaque in your honour!
I’m only kidding about the rich, handsome and lighthouse keeper. I plan to see out my dotage as a bitter, old cat lady. NB: I’m bitter and old, I don’t plan to keep bitter, old cats.
Google Maps has alerted me that your mum is walking towards me.
Stop that.
There’s absolutely no need to bring penises into this, thank you very much.
It is the highlight of my Sunday. Thank you for always encouraging my silliness x
It would take a very long time to get me on the boil, these days.
I am in Plymouth. I have not, as yet, met a rich lighthouse keeper.
I now have to work tomorrow which means I will not have had a complete day off for two weeks. However, after I finish, my Feral Loin Fruit™️ and I are off to Devon for a well earned break by the sea. If I meet a handsome lighthouse keeper whilst I’m there, I shall not be returning.
Ooops Up, I believe.
I have had a rubbish day today but this has cheered me right up! Thank you, lovely GOA x
It’s not great, is it?
I thought he said Chuckle Brothers. I can’t say I’m not disappointed that it’s not #totp
What did people who were attending a Strauss concert shout whilst he was performing? “THROW JOHANN’S IN THE AIR” You’re welcome #totp
And now…a ‘joke’… What do you call a man who constantly instructs his grandmother to paddle a boat? Ronan. #totp
🎶What she gonna look like with a chimney on her?🎶 She’ll look like she’s caught the flue… #totp
I will never not think “no it doesn’t” whenever I hear anyone say “LeAnn Rimes” #totp
It was EVERYWHERE!
Heather Small: 🎶what have you done today to make you feel proud?🎶 I ran the risk of being thrown out of B&M for a cheap laugh.
*mumbles something about reserection*
Bank Holiday, shmank holiday! I’m working tomorrow and have had to work whilst having the plague.
It is just an absolute joy with some gut wrenching moments. I love it.
It’s bloody wonderful.
Boo to having the lurgy. I’ve had a cold for a week and lost my voice completely, much to the delight of my children x
Thank you, sweetheart x
I went to Upton House the other day and saw this piece of art. I believe it’s called ‘The Queue For The Festival Shitter’.
You absolutely are!
Incoming smunch x
“What are you knitting, Mildred?” Agnes asked. “A cloth upon which I can wipe my bottom. I was taken by surprise following that warm prawn sandwich I had at luncheon resulting in me laying the monumental, and quite frankly impressive, curled turd to your left” #GirlsOwnCC
That has really cheered me up, thank you, sweetheart x
That’s so lovely to hear x
“Good day, shopkeep. I’d like two litres of your finest dramatic exit” “I’m afraid they only come in fl ounces”
It’s horrible to think it could be someone who works/has worked for us.
I’m so upset by it, sodding arseholes.
It’s just a cold although I have now lost my voice, much to the delight of my Feral Loin Fruit™️.
Last night, some utter bastard broke into the charity shop I manage and helped themselves to the contents of the safe (£650). I feel sick, angry and devastated. I have set up a Just Giving page in the hope that I can raise enough to cover the loss. As a hospice charity, every penny is so valuable.
My work here is done x
You are a kind, fabulous, glorious woman x
I sent you that upskirt photo on the understanding it was for your eyes only!
That is my dream job.
I’ve not lowered my standards, they’ve always been consistently low.
I’m hoping this latest reboot is better than Carry On Columbus.
I’ll grab my Vaseline, industrial winch and stirrups then I’ll be right over.
No you don’t.
You can choose from: a) Gloria Hunniford b) Eighties Kylie c) Claudia Winkleman d) Me, dressed as Hattie Jacques in ‘Carry On, Matron’
I give excellent smunch. I hope you’re OK, sweetheart. There’s always a flabby shoulder here if you need one xx
My favourite Eric Carmen song is the one where he asks that everyone purchases his handmade rodents dressed as Father Christmas’ helpers. 🎶All buy mice elf…🎶 *coughs*
I’m sending you the biggest smunch I can muster xx
Are you OK, cocker? Do you need me to send you a live in nurse?
I have *the lurgy but being the **strong, fearless, independent woman that I am, I still went into work. *a cold **mug
No, they’re made from regurgitated potatoes that have been eaten by crocodiles.
Bloody hell, just how tall is Miriam Margolyes?
Hairy, Mungo and Minge #RussTV
Lord of the Minge #RussNovels
Word of the Day. Crockery. Spicy dish made from the semiaquatic reptile which isn’t an alligator.
Good morning, my love x
Monday.
I hope not, I’m done with all that unnecessary nonsense.
Whilst lying on the ground preparing to be prodded by Ol’ Bert’s ‘tickle monster’, Alfred noticed that Charles clearly dressed to the left. #GirlsOwnCC
No stuffing of any kind has been partaken in.
I can’t remember, to be honest.
I had a dream last night during which I was told I needed to go to hospital to be tested for ‘Turkey Pox’. My response to the news was “do you get turkey pox after getting a good stuffing?”. Even when I’m asleep my ‘jokes’ are ‘hilarious’. NB: I have not had a ‘good stuffing’ for a long time.
Especially when he has a crowbar inserted up his bottom.
I can’t listen to ‘Ashes to Ashes’ without thinking of this #totp
FACT OF THE DAY. Midge Ure’s middle name is Man #totp
Forty three years of poor old Eileen being come on. She must look like a melted candle #totp
There have been too many grumpy and rude people this week, one of pitfalls of working with the public. That said, I’ve also met some very lovely people to.
I love being taken up the RSC.
You have a fucking foot? Twelve inches is quite impressive.
People are being far too peopley this week and are blaming their rudeness on the hot weather. I’ve been sweating in places I’d thought had healed over but I’m not being a complete arsehole.
I hear you.
Crapprude.
MeFrom.
Saucy minx.
Yungdaught is off to France tomorrow with her friend’s family. Middledaught went to France with her friend last month. Eldestdaught is going to Cornwall with her boyfriend and friends next weekend. Where am I going, I hear you ask? Slightly mad, that’s where.
You have 45 thumbs? Happiest of all the birthdays to you, my lovely x
Bloody hell!
I had a window open and she decided to bring a couple of mates home with her after her evening prowl.
Oh wow, that is fabulous news! I’m not too bad, plodding on, as always 😊 x
I couldn’t really sleep after all that! Good morning, my lovely x
Minnie, our grumpy seven year old cat, woke me up in the early hours of this morning and I was met with the following horrors: 1. A freshly decapitated mouse on my floor. 2. A live mouse running for its life. 3. A large legged spider which was squashed in the crook of my arm.
