Updated my will to declare that I want my remains spread across a golf course. But I don’t want to be cremated.
Former gifted kid, current hapless dad, erstwhile youth wrestling coach—read stuff about that here: https://www.nokomiswrestlingclub.com/coachs-notebook
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Updated my will to declare that I want my remains spread across a golf course. But I don’t want to be cremated.
And they’re pre-punctured! These are them 28 Days Later fast Ghoul-Aids!
technically you can do all of those things without being a vampire. go get it
if it makes you feel better, her parents named her douche_nuts
they don’t look like much but left unchecked they’ve ruined society
By definition, bass is sub, so that makes sense
They have been going through a lot of bass players lately
same band!
All the better for responsible skeeting
It’s how we taught our kids to use chopsticks, now it’s a fun way to pace yourself
Ruin a book by adding “Tom Clancy’s” to the title. Tom Clancy’s Handbook of Eastern United States Songbirds
It’s never the brat But the links keep us close French authors are wack I can’t pronounce Proust
I’ll just wait until my wife’s asleep
wait does this work
“Playing Despacito”
this is correct no it’s not hey I’m doing it celibacy
An amuse douche, if you will
I didn’t, Bush did
roll with it or the fascists win
It was too hard to rhyme compacted bowel
This is why you can never trust Winnie the Pooh
And I’m a slow typer
It’s the whole mulatto/albino thing in Smells Like Teen Spirit but slow and sad
GR had a hot/cold relationship with his GF, glycerine is in Vaseline and TNT, sometimes they were smooshing up on each other like lotion, sometimes he treated her bad and she bruised his face like kaboom
I’ll party poop this speculation party because I saw a VH1 thing about this way back when:
The Thin Lizzy Red Line
Diseased sandals the German settlers gave native co-eds they thought were cute: Flirtkenpox™️ I’m so sorry
Flirtkensocks™️?
made a chart, hope this helps
oh no he died
it’s just that it was a poem and he couldn’t think of very many rhyming words
Flirtkenstock™️
that’s where me and the dykes go to split a bloomin onion
well don’t get me wrong, I think those’re alright, but they won’t keep me warm sitting in between some dykes
“Clutch” was right there
L’Oréal calls them “organic thickening agents”
Watch Mr. Bean for tips on how to do both simultaneously. You’re welcome
by the time your mark has the trots you’ve packed up and moved your lemonade stand to another town. Don’t @ me, FDA
ACAB, wrong number, put the hose people back on
More like Cherry Ploppin Daddies, amirite
*Doomkick burns room down in spectacular fashion. Nobody will ever get a room again* Sorry, Tiffy, that’s how nat20s work
melanoma ain’t punk, live to skank another day
Ooooh. Tiffy roll initiative
Nope. Troy Duffy. Not Troy Baker. Sorry, Troy Baker, you’re cool
Troy Baker was the stunt double for that scene because that’s how he rolls every day of his life and the cast and crew wanted the world to know that
deep fried ranch, candied bacon, deveined pronto pup combo shot corner pocket. I scratch my balls every time trying to pull it off
like tomatoes, technically ass is a fruit but culinarily it’s a vegetable
I dreamed about Elihu B. Washburne. Checkmate
Can’t even play country in New England anymore because of folk
TIL who Alex Phillips is. That’s too bad
Given the second sentence, my guess is your mom
too early to collect 🌼🐝
*uncreams your wheats*
Otis just licking the cell bars for 24 minutes
was it beer cheese soup he might have just been confused
They should change their flag to a Jolly Roger and put a comma in their name. Way more people would want to visit. Neighbor: where are you guys vacationing this year? Me: *flips eyepatch on over my right eye* Ar, Kansas! *non diegetic CSI music*
they say, in unison, both holding the same copy of 1998’s The Avengers, starring Ralph Fiennes, Uma Thurman, and Sean Connery
As a Minnesotan who watched people lose their shit over replacing the one with white settlers on horses shooing natives away over the horizon, get ready to learn something about your neighbors
is that why your chin has a hairline
David Pakman going from GamerGate “it’s about ethics in games journalism” moron to accepting dark money to spew DNC-approved talking points in his “journalism” is SO FUCKING FUNNY www.wired.com/story/dark-m...
You know where that man gets his drinking water? From a well, actually.
are you sure the butcher didn’t just want you “in me room”? Butchers don’t necessarily need a strong grasp of grammar to do their job, maybe he just thought you were cute and would give you free hot links
‘quitos, not ‘ritos 2025
ostentatious but effective
our safeword is poutine
when they should be tightening up their quitos. read the room, guys
oh I thought you were flirting
baby, I’ma smother your Salisbury steak
I feel like “flautas but huge” should actually be called flauntas
Amen. Some combo of beans, rice, quick bread, and tomato/garden sauce
Probably from eating food like that
Pro mixture. Lime juice + ancho ftw
Hey as long as it includes cheese curds and brown gravy I’m in
whatcha got them steaks marinating in?
flank steak tacos even better
hey at least your life has cake and skirt steak tacos
Especially the beef tallow ones
“B-E-E” - Bostonian, spelling bee “It ain’t that hahd, ya cack.”
And now you’re cockeyed
I didn’t say I was trying to pass
I think agoraphobia covers both bases. Also may count as foreplay? Or at least watersports
Burns heal. Mostly you just learn stuff
Same. Always fail that test
That’s a myth
I’m curious like a cat
They turn it upside down so you know they packed it in there right
Look at Jenn winning over here
Beef tallow blizzard ftw
love minutes and someone just yelled FORMIDABLE, I think?
Denied!
I see the sour cream and lettuce there, though—you got plans for those jars
Better hope the machine isn’t broken
They try to revert back to tortillas