He's hip, he's with it, he's fresh and on the scene! Check out new Fall colors coming next week!
🍁NY Times & Amazon best-selling horror and comedy writer. Taco supporter. Formerly of Cracked and College Humor. Writer of WereCage & a book about Eve6. Here's my books, you beautiful buggers - https://books2read.com/b/werecage
6,124 followers 1,586 following 17,862 posts
view profile on Bluesky
He's hip, he's with it, he's fresh and on the scene! Check out new Fall colors coming next week!
Very stylish.
Here's a wee bug friend.
Me: is there a bathroom on this floor? AI: You are pregnant. Me: What's this? AI: You are in labor. Me: I just need to pee. AI: Your son weighs 35 pounds. Me: I'll go downstairs. AI: Your child is a crab. Crabs are all 35 pounds.
Fuck yeah!
Fucking legend. Sad to see him go but he left an amazing legacy.
Looks like it's just about time to head home again for the night.
Night toad! The toad at night!
It was pretty dope. I picked up an Alabama accent while I was there.
Not the best photo, but he hooked up with another heron and then they flew away
Fergus was more interested in the green heron that hopped on a nearby log than the sunset tonight
Yes, but not how you think.
Mysterious!
I just saw an emoji in an URL. Is that a thing now? I can't recall that ever happening before. Am I old? Are URLmoji's all the rage?
Also, Canada has had more than one story in the past about black widows in grapes. There's a lot going on here.
I have only had grits once in my life and it was at Space Camp, ask me anything!
To be clear, it's not the stealing that bothers me. I mean, if you wanted to take that whole bag of grapes home and not pay for it that's none of my business. I just want you to wash them first because everyone else groped them too.
I never cheer for individual teams. I just like the stadium architecture. It makes it so everyone is having fun.
I see it pretty frequently. People walk up with that sheepish smile like they're getting a second round of free samples at Costco.
I would like an Alien: Earth spinoff about the Eyeballopus.
It's cool, i assume you laughed raucously at my joke and we'll be friends forever now, bonded by comedy.
I root for both teams to have a good time and, in doing so, I have the best time of all. That's three winners in every game!
It's Labor Day. I'm going for Goodest!
I feel like you are going to get dozens of replies from people trying to explain why they think their team's city is somehow different.
Hello again. Were you on a boat? I assume lost at sea is the go to answer for people not being around.
Imagine lifting that massive melon into the studio for a podcast & honestly saying that, in 2015 & before, there were no Sports Heroes that anyone cared about. It was just the teams. Babe Ruth, you stupid asshole. The biggest athlete of the 20th century. He died 10 years before this Shrek was born
The thing that bugs me about Cuban, aside from the obvious, is that you can tell he thinks he's better than the other billionaires. He thinks he's the cool guy, the good guy. He's not like Musk or Mr Burns or some shit. He's just another brain dead Frankenstein's monster smelling his own farts
Wayne Gretzky? Pfft. Bo Jackson? No idea. Joe Montana? He governor or something? Jerry Rice? I prefer potatoes. Magic Johnson? Magic ain't real! Charles Barkley? Shaq? Dennis Rodman? Deion Sanders? David Beckham? I must be reading a phone book. Pele. Lakers 33! Yankees #3! Cuban is right again!
How many times have you seen someone eat grapes at the grocery store? 99% of the times it's grapes I went shopping yesterday and a dude actually wedged in front of me so he could grab a handful of grapes to just eat. 100 other people just like you already mung handled those grapes. Enjoy cholera.
Folks on the internet have an enchanted shovel they can use to dig to lower and lower depths every day.
It is just someone who gets reskeeted into my timeline every now and then but I also saw it happen on Twitter back in the day and it's the same tale every time.
Joe Biden grilling a hot dog this weekend.
Speech to Text turned Rachael Ray into Racial Ray and I feel like this is a character I need to develop further.
A billionaire plus AI, huh? Gonna make a vaccine that causes everyone to shit their bones.
And lo, it was in the dark times, when the shrieking of the bloated and mad Greeze Eels ended, that the people became even more afraid. So used to these garbled wails had they become, their absence frightened one and all. The people had forgotten what normal actually was.
It's weird to see someone you're pretty sure is scamming people online, operating for over 2 years at this point, and no one really seems to notice. If you have the same story today you had in February 2023 and just about every month since, I feel like maybe things are shady.
Yeah. "Those children wanted it" is a hell of a thing to say publicly.
He only had himself to blame!
To be clear, you're saying that some of these children trafficked for sex by rich assholes did it for money so that makes it better? Acceptable? What's the angle we're going for here? What's the angle that Bud Jamison feels makes sexually abusing children acceptable.
ICE? Yeah, I support ICE (Ian's Cheesy Eggs. I'm making some now, you in?).
He had it coming.
Another Labor Day and i have no impregnations scheduled. I hope you have a good day regardless.
Circle gets the square. That's a thing the kids used to say. Back before Tom Bergeron was the Cannibal King. Wait, what?
Hello Amy. I am glad you are back. I will burn a little egg shell man, please.
Fuck
Adventure awaits!
Looks like it's just about time to head home for the night
*Rudy giuliani, balls deep in a thermos full of oatmeal, all of his fingers somehow stuck inside of bugles when somehow his belt gets stuck in the steering wheel* "MAKE UP A STORY! MAKE UP A STORY!!"
Ferg leads, I'm just following tonight.
Dang old flaming ball in the sky again
Looking to replace traditional Christmas nutcrackers with Nut Busters this year.
Also I know my check engine light is on. It's been on for 10 years.
My very brief parking lot review of Fanta Chucky's Punch.
Wut?
So the pharmacy closes at 6 on Sunday and it's not open tomorrow? Fer fuck's sake...
Accidentally played for 2 hours. Dang it.
Take me on the scuzzy, original 80s carpeting.
What do you mean you think Giuliani picked up a sex worker and got in an accident while she fiddled with his withered asparagus? The statement never said that.
Truth is stranger than fiction, y'all!
Oh man, there was a second page to this statement. "The woman was being chased by hyenas & also goblins. Giuliani fought the goblins & ate the wolves. He lifted 500 pounds right over his head. He solved 3 unsolvable math problems & both achieved & maintain an erection without chemical aid." Huh.
Oh God, is the car ok??
They were great till that messiness at the state fair in 2012.
This monarch butterfly refused to sit still so I had to go for action shots as he visited my marigolds
Just watering the garden and I accidentally scared this little dude from under a leaf
Grrrr
I read that Turtle Wow was being sued by Blizzard for just letting people play old WoW basically for free and yoinking some trademark stuff to do it so naturally I had to download it and try.
Tangentially related, but they had to consider Skarsgard for Feyd-Rautha, right? Like... Austin Butler was just doing a Skarsgard impression in that role and he would have really sold the relationship to Stellan, I assume.
A fighting game in which you can choose between Bill Skarsgard's characters from IT, Nosferatu, Castle Rock, Hemlock Grove, Deadpool, The Eternals, John Wick, Boy Kills World, The Crow and it's called Skarsgardians.
That's a dream we all share.
I have to look up pics of Guy Fieri on Getty sometimes for articles I write and I can assure you he has never taken a second photo. There are 1000 identical photos of Guy Fieri.
everything benefits from Walton Goggins
I feel like, in 2030 or so, we'll see Netflix and Sony team up so that you can't watch movies on your TV from Prime or some such because they decided you can only use their hardware and software together or some tomfuckery.
At the dick suckin' store!
Oh Lord, no.
On the other hand, my name isn't even on this book so they have to blame someone else for any shortcomings. Unless they really liked it. I'm uncertain now.
I think one book earlier was all me but like 4 different names to make it look varied.
But it's the first book of...a trilogy...
Apparently I am in 5 new short story anthologies that I was not aware of. Well all right! www.amazon.com/Spine-Chille...
As a writer I am a massive fan of sentence fragments. They are not incorrect. Know why? I can say 'em. Say 'em all day long. Oooh, looky here. Yeah, that's right. Just dropping 'em all willy nilly. And everyone knows what the fuck they mean. Big mad grammar bitches. Choke on a fragment.
Ser Ian of the Dragon Make Out visits King's Landing to take an audience with King Bran. "Has anyone considered that King Bran kind of sucks deez nuts?" The crowd murmurs agreement and I am immediately elevated to King. Bran goes home on a donkey.
Also, make a season 9 of Game of Thrones but put me in it. Not as an actor playing a character, I just mean me. Let me have a dragon. Plus the Night King comes back but then I kill him for real, super heroically, and my girl swoons super hard then we make out on the dragon.
This would have killed on Tuesday afternoon Bluesky
Cthulhu! Cthulhu, it's Marvin. Your cousin, Marvin Hulhu. You know that new sound you're looking for? Well, listen to this! *holds phone out to the sound of soul-tearing, mind-warping wails of despair and madness that no mortal could comprehend*
You think this is bad? Tried to have a waffle the other day, just a straight waffle in my straight kitchen. Popped it in the toasted and boom! Suckin' dicks. I put syrup on it? Boom! Suckin' dicks. A little butter? Oh, brother, lemme tell you. Suckin' dicks. That waffle made me suck so many dicks
Your social circle sapphic needs to be informed of this
Here is another poem!
The producers of Until Dawn did not read this skeet.
Recently Shorn Night Bench Ferg! It's Ferg! On a Bench! At night! After a haircut!
Mf'er said they
They don't typically like to use images of buildings, but this one looks familiar to me.
Rascal and a scoundrel, really. Bringing much ballyhoo
Still trying to find a sunset half as captivating as you. Maybe one day, but I doubt it
I do light up the night, thank you for noticing
I gave Fergus like 83% of a haircut.
It looks like they attack.
Can you lower the price of any of the grocery that I need to live? No? Is it because we have a fucking banana robot?
Every time I say I'm going to write something stupid like this, I'm not joking. I have it in a note now. One day.
I'll ensure all my horrible proclivities are consensual and whimsical.
