The MisreadBible: Book of Moses - If You Want Blood www.youtube.com/watch?v=KriO...
British satirical author and creator of The MisreadBible series, which parodies the Bible with irreverent wit and a dash of theological side-eye. https://www.misreadbible.com
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The MisreadBible: Book of Moses - If You Want Blood www.youtube.com/watch?v=KriO...
I’m a debtor both to Greeks and non-Greeks, both to the wise and the foolish. That’s why I am so eager to sell my new book to all of you in Rome and worldwide! Prosperity gospel, bitches! – Romans 1:14-15
I long to see you so that I may impart some spiritual gift to make you quiver, that is, that you and I may mutually experience heavenly pleasures. Don’t misunderstand me, brothers and sisters, I intend to come many times. I just can’t wait to plough your furrows! – Romans 1:11-13
I’m planning to publish ‘The MisreadBible: Joshua’ next month. It’s a satirical, irreverent rewrite of the Book of Joshua, aimed at atheists/sceptics and anyone who likes sharp comedy. I’ll share the cover and exact dates in my first advert soon. Follow for updates!
A MisreadBible Christmas - The Nativity www.youtube.com/watch?v=ln_2...
First, I thank God for all of you, because I honestly couldn’t do it without you. My epistles are trending online, my subscriber count is rising every day, and there’s talk of a book deal. Please remember to like, subscribe, smash that bell icon, and try to convert your friends. – Romans 1:8-10
Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears! I come not to bury Jesus, but to praise him. – Romans 1:1
For two whole years Paul stayed there in his own rented house, and he welcomed all who came to see him by proclaiming loudly, ‘The kingdom of God is close at hand! Repent now, for the end is nigh!’ – Acts 28:30-31
It’s a witch hunt! I’ve done nothing wrong!’ – Acts 28:17-20 #fakenewsversion
Three days later he called together the local Jewish leaders. When they had assembled, Paul said to them: ‘My brothers, although I have done nothing wrong, the Crooked Pharisees handed me over to the Do-Nothing Romans in Jerusalem! There was no crime! This is the greatest hoax in Jewish history!
After three months we put out to sea in a ship that had wintered in the island – it was an Alexandrian ship with the figurehead of the twin gods Castrate and Bollox. The Greeks were unfazed by this, but Paul was visibly perturbed by the carving’s large pendulous gonads. – Acts 28:11
The chief official of the island welcomed us into his home. His father was ill in bed, suffering from fever and dysentery, so Paul went in to see him and placed his hands on him, saying, ‘I hope this works. Surely, they won’t imprison me if I’m shitting blood!’ – Acts 28:7-8
Paul gathered a pile of brushwood and, as he put it on the fire, a viper bit his hand. When the islanders saw the snake hanging from his hand, they said to each other, ‘This man must be delicious! Quick, fetch some carrots and your largest cooking pot!’ – Acts 28:3-4
Just before dawn Paul urged them, ‘For the last fourteen days, you have gone without food – you haven’t eaten anything. Now I urge you to take some food. You need it to survive.’ ‘No shit, Paul!’ retorted the centurion. ‘We know we need food to survive, but we don’t have any!’ – Acts 27:33-34
A MisreadBible Christmas - The Nativity www.youtube.com/watch?v=ln_2...
In the build up to publishing my new book, I thought I’d share some of the adverts for previous books. The MisreadBibke: Genesis - Much Ado about Apples! youtu.be/4UjlhNgVdF0?...
After they had gone a long time without food, Paul stood up said, ‘Men, you should have taken my advice not to sail from Crete, and you should have bought a map. God spoke to me last night…’ The centurion interrupted and said, ‘If we don’t find food soon, let’s eat him first.’ – Acts 27:21-23
As we continued our voyage, Paul warned, ‘I can see that our voyage is going to be disastrous and bring great loss to ship, cargo, and our lives.’ The centurion sneered, ‘You’re just trying to get out of going to Rome!’ ‘No, no, God says… erm… there’s a cyclops up ahead and… dragons!’ – Acts 27:9-11
The next day, our ship docked at Sidon, and Julius, in kindness to Paul who’d needed a piss since we boarded in Adramyttium, allowed him to go to his friends to use the toilet with the provision that he allow himself to be arrested again as soon as he was done. – Acts 27:3
Agrippa asked, ‘Did you really expect to convert me to Christianity in such a short space of time?’ ‘To be honest, I have no idea how long it takes,’ replied Paul. ‘You’re the first person who hasn’t slammed the door on me since I became a Jehovah’s Witness.’ – Acts 26:28-29
‘You would say that,’ retorted Paul, ‘you’re one of the mole-people! All of you conniving twitchy-nosed mole bastards are against me!’ – Acts 26:12-25
Paul continued, ‘At around noon, I was on the road when I saw a light from Heaven, and the voice of Jesus spoke to me from beyond the grave, telling me that I was special.’ At this point Festus interrupted, ‘You are out of your mind, Paul!’
Paul told them, ‘The Jewish people know all about me and my youthful hi-jinks. Many a time, I went from one synagogue to another trying to force people to blaspheme by slamming their fingers in doors or giving them a swift kick in the nuts.’ – Acts 26:4-11
Then Agrippa said to Paul, ‘You have permission to speak.’ So, Paul motioned with his hand and then proceeded to fart loudly. Agrippa was furious. ‘Flipping me off is one thing,’ he shrieked, ‘but the fart is unforgivable!’ – Acts 26:1
Festus discussed Paul’s case with the king. He said, ‘The Jews have been arguing with him over whether some guy named Jesus is dead or alive. As if that wasn’t bad enough, this bloke called Schrödinger turned up and started to argue that Jesus is simultaneously dead and alive!’ – Acts 25:13-19
The following night, the Lord came to visit Paul where he was imprisoned, and he told him, ‘Take courage!’ ‘Oh, Jesus!’ cheered Paul. ‘You’ve come to save me!’ ‘Erm… no,’ replied Jesus awkwardly. ‘In fact, in a few years, the Romans are going to decapitate you.’ – Acts 23:11
Then Paul, knowing that some of them were Sadducees and the other Pharisees, yelled, ‘My brothers, I am a Pharisee. I’m on trial because the Sadducees want to learn our secret handshake!’ The Pharisees in the assembly gasped and then started beating the Sadducees. – Acts 23:6-7
‘Furious, drunk-driving banana’ is the tagline on my dating profile.
www.misreadbible.com/books/joshua
I’m planning to publish ‘The MisreadBible: Joshua’ next month. It’s a satirical, irreverent rewrite of the Book of Joshua, aimed at atheists/sceptics and anyone who likes sharp comedy. I’ll share the cover and exact dates in my first advert soon. Follow for updates!
This is a poem I wrote a few years ago. Adultabet www.misreadbible.com/stories/adul...
Those standing nearby chided, ‘How dare you insult God’s high priest!’ Paul pleaded, ‘Brothers, I didn’t realise he was the high priest; he just looked like some boss-eyed hatchet-faced creep in an elaborate hat!’ For some reason, this only made them angrier. – Acts 23:1-5
Paul looked straight at the Sanhedrin and said, ‘I fucked all of your mothers!’ At this, the high priest Ananias ordered those standing near Paul to strike him on the mouth. ‘God will strike you, you pasty rectum-faced bastard!’ sneered Paul.
The commander asked Paul, ‘Are you a Roman citizen?’ ‘Yes,’ he answered, ‘I was born one.’ He turned to the centurion and said, ‘I had to pay a lot of money for my citizenship, and they go and give it to this prick just because of whose vagina he fell out of!’ – Acts 22:27-28
Paul said to the centurion standing there, ‘Is it legal for you to flog a Roman citizen who hasn’t even been found guilty?’ ‘Of course not!’ exclaimed the centurion. ‘Damn!’ cried Paul. ‘Will you do it anyway?’ – Acts 22:25
The crowd shouted, ‘Flog him and interrogate him!’ So, the commander ordered that Paul be taken into the barracks to be flogged and interrogated until he told them why the crowd wanted him flogged and interrogated. – Acts 22:22-24
‘When I returned, the Lord said to me, “Leave Jerusalem immediately!” ‘“Lord,” I replied, “I went from one synagogue to another beating those who believe in you. I still have several beating engagements booked, and I can’t leave until I’ve done them. A contract’s a contract.”’ – Acts 22:17-19
‘About noon as I neared Damascus, suddenly a bright light from heaven flashed. I fell to the ground and heard a voice say, “Saul! Saul! Why do you persecute me?” ‘“Who are you, Lord?” I asked. ‘“Wait, why are you calling me Lord if you don’t know?” ‘“My strict Cicilian upbringing!”’ – Acts 22:6-8
Paul said, ‘I am a Jew, born in Tarsus. I persecuted the followers of the Way. But one day when I was exhausted and severely dehydrated, I saw a vision that nobody else saw or heard, and I think that you should follow me based on my unverified personal revelation!’ – Acts 22:2-10
After receiving the commander’s permission, Paul stood on the steps and motioned to the crowd. When they were all silent, he said to them, ‘Brothers and fathers, listen now to my defence. I was very drunk, and to be fair, she did look like she was over 18…’ – Acts 21:40-22:1
‘No, you idiot!’ spat the commander. ‘The guy Felix arrested last week!’ – Acts 21:37-38
As the soldiers were about to take Paul into the barracks, the commander asked him, ‘Aren’t you that Egyptian who started a revolt and led four thousand terrorists out into the wilderness?’ ‘Moses?’ replied Paul. ‘No, he died centuries ago! I don’t look that fucking old!’
Seizing Paul, they dragged him from the temple and tried to kill him. The Roman commander heard what was happening, so he ran down yelling, ‘If anyone’s going to kill Christians, it’s me! In fact, I have a great idea involving lions and a stadium!’ – Acts 21:30-32
How come it never occurred to the Daleks to use apples defensively?
This is a poem I wrote a few years ago. Adultabet www.misreadbible.com/stories/adul...
If you've been enjoying my posts, you'll love my books. Available in paperback, eBook, and audiobook. The MisreadBible: Genesis A MisreadBible Christmas The MisreadBible: Book of Moses The MisreadBible: Gospel And The MisreadBible: Joshua coming soon! www.misreadbible.com/books
The whole city was aroused, the people were coming in all directions, and by the end of it, Jerusalem looked like an explosion at a creamery! They tried to seize Paul, but he was too slippery to hold onto! – Acts 21:30
Some Jews from the province of Asia saw Paul at the temple, stirred up the whole crowd, and seized him, shouting, ‘Fellow Israelites, help us! This is man brought Greeks into the temple and defiled this holy place by taking a massive dump and not flushing!’ – Acts 21:27-28
Then Paul answered, ‘Why are you weeping? I’m ready not only to be bound, whipped, and humiliated until my flesh is raw and bloodied, but I’m going to relish it!’ Then he bound himself up like Agabus and said, ‘The Lord’s will be done.’ - Acts 21:13
After we had been there a number of days, a prophet named Agabus came down from Judaea. Coming over to us, he took Paul’s belt, tied his own hands and feet with it, and said, ‘The safe word is “papaya”!’ - Acts 21:10-11
Leaving the next day, we reached Caesarea and stayed at the house of Philip the evangelist, one of the Magnificent Seven. He had four unmarried daughters who prophesied loudly all night whenever their boyfriends came to visit. - Acts 21:8-9
When Paul had finished speaking, he knelt down with all of them and prayed. They all wept as they climbed on top of him, embracing him and kissing him. Soon, Paul and the church elders were a squirming mass of bodies, intertwined in gooey ecstasy. – Acts 20:36-37
You yourselves know that these hands ministered to my own needs and to the men who were with me. I ministered them for hours at a time, sometimes with one in each hand. As well you know, if a man lies with another man, it is more blessed to give than to receive. – Acts 20:34-35
And so, I'll continue my journey, leaping from life to life, striving to put right what once went wrong, and hoping each time that my next leap will be the leap home.’ – Acts 20:17-23
Paul sent for the elders of the church, and when they arrived, he gave them his tearful goodbye: ‘You know I’ve served the Lord with great humility, but now, driven by an unknown force, I must go to Jerusalem.
As Paul preached, a young man named Eutychus was seated in a window above. While Paul continued to drone on, Eutychus dozed off and fell to the ground from the third storey and died. And thus, started the long history of preachers boring people to death. – Acts 20:9
The assembly was in confusion: some were cheering, some were booing. Most of the people weren’t sure why a man would want to make love to a horse. The Jews in the crowd pushed Alexander to the front and forced his eyes open like A Clockwork Orange! – Acts 19:32-32
Soon the whole city was in an uproar. The people seized Gaius and Aristarchus, Paul’s travelling companions from Macedonia. They rushed into the theatre together and forced the men to watch Equus. Paul really wanted to see that play, but they’d packed the house! – Acts 19:28-30
Fun fact: Given that between 1.05% and 1.18% of the world’s population are German, and the average lifespan is 73.2 years, that means that the average person will spend 9.8 months of their life being German.
‘Oh…’ sighed Demetrius. ‘Let’s just set a lynch mob on his friends Gaius and Aristarchus.’ – Acts 19:23-26
About that time there arose a great disturbance in the Force. A sith named Darth Demetrius called together his men and said, ‘This guy Paul has been besmirching our religion! We shall have our revenge when we build a Death Star!!!’ ‘We can’t afford a Death Star,’ objected one of the men.
Some Jewish exorcists were exorcising a demon chanting, ‘The power of Christ compels you!’ when the man who had the evil spirit jumped on them and started dry humping them furiously. An hour later, they emerged from the house naked and dripping with ectoplasm. – Acts 19:13-16
God did extraordinary miracles through Paul, including the trick where a white handkerchief was magically transformed into a red one, and one where a strange protrusion floated underneath his apron. – Acts 19:11-12
When Paul placed his hands on them, the Holy Spirit came upon them, and they fell to the ground, twitching and writhing as though breakdancing. Paul was perplexed. Just then, Timothy stepped out from when he was hiding, holding a taser and laughing to himself. – Acts 19:6
Paul met some disciples and asked them, ‘Did you receive the Holy Spirit?’ They answered, ‘No, we didn’t even know there was a Holy Spirit!’ ‘What kind of baptism did you receive?’ ‘We were made to stand by a wall as some guy showered us with golden water.’ – Acts 19:1-3
The Jews of Corinth made a united attack on Paul and brought him to the place of judgement. ‘This man,’ they charged, ‘is persuading the people to worship God in perverse ways like eating the flesh of their saviour and claiming he was a cracker!’ – Acts 18:12-13
Paul devoted himself exclusively to preaching, testifying to the Jews that Jesus was the Messiah. But when they opposed Paul, he took his clothes off and screamed, ‘Your blood be on your own heads! From now on, if you attack me, I will go for your genitals!’ – Acts 18:5-6
When they heard about the resurrection of the dead, some of them sneered, but others said, ‘Tell us more about this Zombie Jesus.’ – Acts 17:32
For he has set a day when he will judge the world with justice by the man he has appointed. He has given proof of this to everyone by raising Jesus from the dead and letting only a small number of people see him. What, are you calling them liars? – Acts 17:31
The God who made the world and everything in it is the Lord of Heaven and Earth and does not live in temples built by human hands, even though the Tanakh often talks about the temple as ‘the place the Lord your God will choose to put his Name for his dwelling.’ – Acts 17:24
So, as a foreigner here with no understanding of your culture, I can confidently declare that you are ignorant of the very thing you worship!’ – Acts 17:22-23
Paul then stood up in the meeting of the Areopagus and said: ‘People of Athens! I see that in every way you are very superstitious. As I walked around and looked carefully at your objects of worship, I found an altar with this inscription: “To an unknown god”.
Autocorrect completely changed the meaning.
While Paul was waiting for them in Athens, he was greatly distressed to see that the city was full of idols. I mean, the nerve of the Greeks having their own gods who they’d worshipped for centuries before Judaism had even been invented! How dare they? – Acts 17:16
Paul went into the synagogue, and explained that God had to sacrifice himself, in the form of the Messiah, to himself to create a loophole to rules that he had created. This made so little sense that the Jews formed an angry mob and started to riot in the city. – Acts 17:2-5
At midnight, Paul and Silas were singing hymns to God. Their voices were so shrill that they shook the very foundations of the prison, and all the prison doors flew open. The jailer woke up, and hearing their caterwauling, he drew his sword to kill himself. – Acts 16:25-27
The crowd stripped Paul and Silas, and they were beaten with rods. After they had been severely flogged, Silas turned to Paul and sighed, ‘That was the best orgasm I’ve ever had!’ Paul scolded, ‘It wasn’t supposed to be pleasurable!’ ‘Quit kink-shaming me!’ – Acts 16:22-23
Once we were met by a psychotic woman. She followed us, shouting, ‘These men are preaching about Jesus!’ She kept this up for many days, and it kept scaring off potential converts. Finally, Paul became so annoyed that he yelled, ‘In the name of Jesus Christ, will you fuck off?’ – Acts 16:16-18
One of those listening was a woman named Lydia. She was a worshipper of God. ‘If you consider me a believer,’ she said, ‘come and spend the night with me.’ ‘Score!’ I cheered, running to the bedroom. ‘Erm… not like that…’ ‘Oh,’ I sighed, pulling my trousers back on. – Acts 16:14-15
Paul and his companions travelled throughout the region of Phrygia and Galatia, but when they came to the border of Mysia, the ghost of Jesus appeared. Every time they tried to walk around him, he'd step in front of them and say, ‘Nuh uh!’ until they gave up and went to Troas instead. – Acts 16:6-7
Paul came to Lystra, where Timothy lived. Paul took a liking to him and wanted to take him along on the journey, and his Greek father agreed on the condition that he have him neutered and take him for long walks on the beach. Paul agreed, much to Timothy’s chagrin. – Acts 16:1-3
The apostles sent a letter to the Gentile believers: ‘Greetings. We've heard that some went out without our authorisation and disturbed you, knocking on your doors and giving you copies of the Watchtower. We're immensely sorry, and it'll never happen again.’ – Acts 15:22-24
It is my judgement, therefore, that we shouldn’t make it difficult for the Gentiles who are turning to God. Instead, we should ask them to abstain from food polluted with gluten, from kinky sex, from strangling animals, and from putting pineapple on pizza! – Acts 15:19-20
James spoke up. ‘Brothers,’ he said, ‘the words of the prophets are in agreement with this, as it is written: “After this I will return and rebuild David’s fallen tent, and we shall have s’mores by the campfire. That little guy just loves his s’mores.”’ – Acts 15:13-16
Men from Judaea were teaching the believers: ‘Unless you are circumcised, you cannot be saved.’ Paul and Barnabas objected to this; it was one thing to circumcise babies who had no choice in the matter, but to circumcise grown men with their consent was abominable! – Acts 15:1-2
Then some Jews won the crowd over. They stoned Paul, dragged him outside the city, and buried him, thinking he was dead. Fortunately, the disciples came and dug him up, and he was fine except for having swallowed a lot of dirt. – Acts 14:19-20
When the apostles Barnabas and Paul heard of this, they tore their clothes off and rushed outside, shouting, ‘Friends, why are you doing this?’ The crowd were appalled at their act of public nudity and started hurling stones at them! – Acts 14:14-19
When the crowd saw what Paul had done, they shouted, ‘The gods have come down to us in human form!’ Barnabas, they called Zeus, and Paul, they called Phoebe because he played guitar and sang at the local coffee house. – Acts 14:11-12
In Lystra there sat a man had been lame from birth. Paul looked directly at him and called out, ‘Stand up on your feet!’ At that, the man jumped up and began to do the Charleston. His performance was so good that he became a regular feature at the synagogue. – Acts 14:8-10
Then Paul and Barnabas answered them boldly: ‘For this is what the Lord has commanded us: “I have made you a light for your genitals. Whatever you do, point it away from you or you might cauterise your pee-hole!”’ – Acts 13:46-47
‘They asked Pilate to have him executed. They took him down from the cross and laid him in a tomb. But for many days he was seen by those who travelled from Galilee to Jerusalem, because we had him taxidermised and sat him at the roadside as a joke.’ – Acts 13:28-31
I always wanted to work as a mammogram… until I learned that it wasn’t a topless delivery service.
‘Children of Abraham and Gentiles, this message of salvation has been sent to us. The people of Jerusalem didn’t recognise Jesus for he disguised himself with a trench coat and dark glasses. We still don’t know who the fuck that bloke they crucified was…’ – Acts 13:26-27
After the reading from the Tanakh, the leaders of the synagogue said, ‘Brothers, if you have a word of exhortation for the people, please speak.’ Paul stepped forwards and said, ‘Give me all your money, or I’ll shank you!’ ‘We said “exhortation”, not “extortion”!’ – Acts 13:15
Immediately mist and darkness came over him, and he groped about, seeking someone to lead him by the hand. Unfortunately, he managed to latch onto a Roman chariot in full charge and was dragged off and never seen from again! – Acts 13:11
Then Saul, filled with the Holy Spirit, looked straight at Elymas the magician, and said, ‘You're a child of the devil and an enemy of all that is right! You're full of all kinds of deceit and trickery! Would you be willing to do a children’s party on Saturday?’ – Acts 13:9-10
Barnabas and Saul, sent on their way by the Holy Spirit, went down to Seleucia and sailed from there to Cyprus. When they arrived at Salamis, went around all the synagogues proclaiming the word of God and then running away. It was an early form of ding dong ditch. – Acts 13:4-5
In the church at Antioch Barnabas, Simeon, Lucius, Manaen, and Saul sat worshipping the Lord and fasting. Suddenly, the Holy Spirit called, ‘Red rover, red rover, send Barnabas and Saul over!’ So, Barnabas and Saul ran at the Holy Spirit with all their might. – Acts 13:1-3