He's gonna get everyone in the country to reapply for their own citizenship.

Uptake would be rather low I suspect.

You have nailed his Regional Manager Fascism

It will centre around the slogan "Nigel is right".

Human feces flow in our rivers, our privatized water companies are price gouging, counsels are all corrupted by multinationals to whom they award projects and people live without electricity, only getting light for a few minutes a day by feeding tokens into a meter. Couldn't be better.

‘the prime minister will go on the attack when he returns from holiday’ alright well as long as it’s not urgent or anything

a phrase I keep rotating in my mind and It's just the most Kier Starmer thing I've ever heard, it's perfect

I remember this worked really well for Hillary Clinton.

Why does parliament get such a long holiday? They're meant to governing the country not doing summer holiday activity camps!

How about, and I know this is a radical proposal, the govt concentrates on fixing, not everything, but *something*, practically *anything*, that a significant %age of the population will actually notice.

Given that Labour's senior strategists are now going to be of the generation of student Labour people i was at uni with 40 years ago, it comes as no surprise to me that the modern Labour party appears to have the collective IQ of a carrot and the situational awareness of a furby.

"returns from holiday"? But I was told he 'abandoned' his holiday.

He just performed the impossible balancing act, to rapturous applause, before heading back to the beach.

Fantastic cropping of that picture

Love how they are always announcing what they are going to do rather than, say, actually doing something. Also everyone paying attention agrees Britain is broken.juat saying "no it isn't" won't help anyone. The issue of contention is what to do about it.

How about he says "no it isn't" in an annoying adenoidal voice. Checkmate.

It’s going to get ugly(er), more people will be thrown into the fire, and Labour will sink another 20 points.

Use of “modernise” and “agile” are not reassuring, shall we say?

They're currently polling at 18%, so that should be fun to see. What actually happens when a government hits negative voting intention?

Skipping the bit where you fix the country that is objectively broken to just telling people that its fine actually and everything is rosy is just smart politics.

My city has closed more libraries and made the public toilets pay per use since labour came to power but sure things are getting fixed.

Maybe try to lead from the front and fix the issues to show leaning to the far right isn’t the solution and is unnecessary. You don’t have to be a racist thug to have a country that works.

He's going to give it his full 88% effort.

I, Keir Starmer, vow to walk blindfolded across the pitch at Wembley Stadium filled with ten thousand up-turned rakes

www.quotes.net/mquote/930075

we are fucked

There will be a picture of him in a Greggs holding a sausage roll, I am sure of it.

To which, depressingly, Farage is going to respond, "So why do you keep copying me, then?" Depressing because, in this instance, he'd be right. All Starmer has done is emulate 'Duke Regular Bloke's nativist bullshit in order to try and disguise both his ineptitude and his lack of any beliefs.

No I think it will be good

“The prime minister will go on the attack when he returns from holiday” - lol

Yes well I certainly would not cut my holiday short so why should he?

I reckon his kids faked a phone call from Downing St to get rid of him.

you are a big fan of a relaunch and I've always liked that about you

I'm already looking forward to the next one

It'll be the best relaunch since WH Smith relaunched as TG Jones.

what happened, you used to love his relaunches 😢

I'm a traditional 7 relaunch kind of guy, you only get 3~6 more relaunches after that before I start to lose faith

#LibDemFightBack part deux

“The prime minister will go on the attack when he returns from holiday” is an INCREDIBLY Keir Starmer sentence

He'll have gone to the whitest place they could think of.

Israel most likely.

Blackpool?

Too Irish and it's got the word black in it. Plus, poor people.

I know, I love it so much. You couldn’t make his job as PM sound any more like a 9-5 office job

Manager who’s never in the office but threatens you on your days off

His bold new policy that allows Britons to sell their grandma in exchange for a basket of rocks to throw at starving migrants will surely bring the nation together again

In theory it's not a bad thing to present some hope and optimism. But it's Starmer so it's going to be cringe-fest.

Especially when that hope and optimism is based on improvements that a majority of voters agree are already having (or are likely to have) positive effects.

I hope that Starmer skips from the actuality and/or belief of such positivity straight to assuming that's what most people think. That would be a real power move.

McSweeney rolling out a dart board with various minority groups written on it

difficult to think of anyone less persuasive than Starmer

The entire cabinet lol Like Starmer has the most rizz out of any of them and he’s still… that

Streeting tries but A)He looks like an early 80s slasher villain made of wax B)He tries to do the Farage populist insinuation thing but just comes off with “annoying cousin who melted his brain on Facebook” energy

never thought I'd hear Starmer and Rizz in the same sentence

It is only a matter of time until the 30 year old interns running the Labour TikTok start posting loops of the cabinet walking, set to phonk so white you’re amazed it can exist, and captioned with shit like “More like Rachel ✨Rizz✨”

"I got rizzed up by Rachel and now the economy is doing 0.001% better than yesterday".

what if, right, we raised up Farrage and his influence to near mythic levels THEN put the charismatic powerhouse that is Kier Starmer up against that! This will go well for us at Labour HQ!

Wonder why they chose a picture that looks like he's mid Nazi salute. Presumably he's going to come back and show Farage how to do racism properly

lmao what a fucking thumbnail

Starmer’s publicist after seeing Starmer’s arm in the air like that: NEIN NEIN NEIN NEIN NEIN NEIN NEIN NEIN

is he jerking off a giant

Yes, because his father was a toolmaker.

I hate that he's living my dream :(

personally i would get a stepladder or something, that arm is going to hurt like fire in no time

Can't wait for him to unbreak our English hearts.

He's giving britain the thumb's down because it sucks. You might even say it's broken

Looks like he's doing his errrmmm... Elon Musk impression

He's going to say "hell yes, I'm tough enough"

I need this so bad you don't understand

We’re getting a new Ed Stone that just says “No Blacks, No Irish”

“It’s not broken but we are strangers and if that makes you want to kick off outside of asylum housing with Combat 18 that’s understandable”

"how can Britain be broken when there are still things that can be brutally privatised and asset stripped, good sir?"

Relaunches are Kieth’s second favourite things after crackdowns

And u-turns.