JD Vance Asks National Guard Member If He Can Touch Gun https://theonion.com/jd-vance-asks-national-guard-member-if-he-can-touch-gun/
Replies
Are you sure he isn't asking about their couch? 🤔
aug 25, 2025, 8:17 pm • 2 0 • view
Yes the “gun” is what he wants to touch
aug 25, 2025, 8:03 pm • 14 1 • view
Right after he 'drags' himself over, first.
aug 25, 2025, 8:23 pm • 5 0 • view
Hey, there's NOTHING wrong with Drag. Or makeup on men, which is a different thing but still ok. Going whole-hog while plowing a couch? Yeah, that's gross. But the eyeshadow isn't a crime - at least he does better than YamTits when it comes to makeup.
aug 25, 2025, 8:36 pm • 5 0 • view
Fuck. I got JD and George Santos mixed up. But you are correct. I apologize. And thank you for calling me out. I should have gone with the couch. I might take a social media break while on prednisone. It has me all over the place. And for the record, I love the Tux-dress.
aug 25, 2025, 9:07 pm • 7 0 • view
Yamtits. I would almost say that's so good it's delicious, but I like yams.
aug 25, 2025, 9:59 pm • 1 0 • view
Normally I would not body shame, but given his proclivity for orange makeup his gynomastacia has got to look like yams
aug 27, 2025, 4:13 pm • 3 0 • view
I like yams. And sadly agree
aug 31, 2025, 10:23 am • 1 0 • view
He’s spoiled yams for me. Sigh.
aug 31, 2025, 11:04 am • 1 0 • view
Assuming he was wearing his Eyeliner when he made the ask
aug 25, 2025, 8:02 pm • 1 0 • view
National Guard Member reminds JD Vance about the restraining order, granted by the Courts after the last time he touched something.
aug 26, 2025, 3:32 am • 0 0 • view
🤣🤣🤣
aug 31, 2025, 5:01 am • 0 0 • view
wah'me take your filthy laundry to get cleaned? Maybe I'll take the long way
aug 26, 2025, 12:29 pm • 0 0 • view
Did he also ask to touch his rifle?
aug 25, 2025, 8:09 pm • 0 0 • view
He asked them why they failed the infantry test to end up in the national guard. 😁
aug 26, 2025, 2:04 am • 1 0 • view
Mistook the guard member for a couch.
aug 25, 2025, 9:48 pm • 0 0 • view
Idiot
aug 25, 2025, 9:07 pm • 0 0 • view
Eww. That reeks of creepiness.
aug 31, 2025, 11:28 am • 0 0 • view
aug 26, 2025, 6:36 pm • 0 0 • view
You'll know he's going to touch more if he starts referring to the guardsman as "lil' cushion."
aug 26, 2025, 11:02 am • 0 0 • view
He'd just drop it.
aug 26, 2025, 1:28 am • 0 0 • view
Were there no couches in the building?
aug 31, 2025, 2:22 pm • 0 0 • view
Pathetic! Vance is as immature as he behaves.
aug 25, 2025, 8:49 pm • 0 0 • view
aug 25, 2025, 11:17 pm • 0 0 • view
Oh I understand… and there ARE madmen working overtime to kill our future!
aug 28, 2025, 4:20 am • 0 0 • view
At this point, I must assume that you do not have knowledge as to the nature of the onion.
aug 25, 2025, 11:06 pm • 1 0 • view
Did the guardsman say „thank you”?
aug 25, 2025, 8:10 pm • 0 0 • view
In actuality, JD couch-f#%ker Vance has never touched a gun. He was a desk driving marine.
aug 25, 2025, 8:09 pm • 3 0 • view
Do you want to touch my gun Mr. Vice President?
aug 25, 2025, 8:09 pm • 0 0 • view
The rifle you photoshopped is the new M7, which very few active duty Army and I'm pretty sure no National Guard units have yet. Seeing your image will be a WTF moment for some. Sent me right to reverse image search.
aug 25, 2025, 11:25 pm • 0 0 • view
It's the onion you idiot
aug 25, 2025, 11:40 pm • 0 0 • view
So The Onion meant to suggest that the National Guard in DC is fielding the M7, which by itself would be a big story in military news? I thought it was about Vance being creepy.
aug 26, 2025, 1:41 pm • 0 0 • view
Don't you know what the onion is?
aug 26, 2025, 1:44 pm • 0 0 • view
Why don't you explain it to me?
aug 26, 2025, 4:22 pm • 0 0 • view
The onion is a satirical news site
aug 26, 2025, 5:03 pm • 0 0 • view
So if they flub the execution of a gag photo a bit, they don't want to know?
aug 26, 2025, 5:49 pm • 0 0 • view
They don't see your comments
aug 26, 2025, 6:30 pm • 0 0 • view
Did he graduate from couches?
aug 26, 2025, 2:15 am • 0 0 • view
Penis envy.
aug 25, 2025, 10:33 pm • 0 0 • view
aug 28, 2025, 3:53 pm • 0 0 • view
aug 28, 2025, 3:52 pm • 0 0 • view
There has NEVER been a more boneheaded, idiotic, moronic, lying, morally bankrupt, piss-ass Vice President than Just Stupid Vance!
aug 26, 2025, 12:54 am • 0 0 • view
Touch a Truck but for the vice president
aug 25, 2025, 8:11 pm • 0 0 • view
Thank god is wasn’t his “couch”
aug 31, 2025, 4:49 am • 0 0 • view
No JD, what will your couch think about this?
aug 26, 2025, 5:45 am • 0 0 • view
This is my rifle This is my gun One if for fighting and one is for fun.
aug 25, 2025, 8:12 pm • 5 0 • view
"This is my rifle and this is my gun. This one's for shooting and this one's for fun."
aug 25, 2025, 10:24 pm • 7 0 • view
And I absolutely do not want JD Vance anywhere near my gun. The one that's for fun.
aug 25, 2025, 11:05 pm • 1 0 • view
You mean THEEEEESSSEE GUNS...
aug 31, 2025, 8:25 am • 0 0 • view
I spent the morning in Chicago and no murders were committed while I was there. You're welcome.
aug 26, 2025, 6:12 pm • 0 0 • view
The gun yes, but not the rifle
aug 25, 2025, 8:32 pm • 1 0 • view
What, is it upholstered?
aug 25, 2025, 8:19 pm • 1 0 • view
"Well, I mean, Sir, it ain't my living room couch, so I guess so."
aug 25, 2025, 8:24 pm • 0 0 • view
Better headline JD Vance ask if he can touch it 😝
aug 25, 2025, 8:01 pm • 6 0 • view
"...just for fun..."
aug 25, 2025, 8:02 pm • 1 0 • view
The thing is, after watching his weird ice-cream parlor interaction with the employees, we can all imagine him doing this.
aug 25, 2025, 8:13 pm • 0 0 • view
Not sure he's familiar with consent
aug 25, 2025, 8:12 pm • 0 0 • view
oooohhhh nooooo like when pence touched that nasa thing remember?
aug 31, 2025, 5:21 am • 1 0 • view
aug 31, 2025, 5:24 am • 0 0 • view
lol…. But probably
aug 25, 2025, 8:09 pm • 0 0 • view
It wasn't his gun Vance wanted to touch. VOTE.
aug 25, 2025, 8:24 pm • 0 0 • view
And by gun he meant his ……
aug 31, 2025, 9:12 am • 0 0 • view
Maybe he will break it
aug 25, 2025, 8:03 pm • 0 0 • view
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
aug 25, 2025, 9:14 pm • 0 0 • view
Touch it with your palate, JD.
aug 25, 2025, 8:04 pm • 0 0 • view
😱
aug 30, 2025, 4:34 pm • 0 0 • view
Was the gun on a sofa?
aug 26, 2025, 5:23 am • 0 0 • view
Couchussy should be a word.
aug 25, 2025, 8:01 pm • 1 0 • view
I'm trying to find an opportunity for making a snappy comment about penises and gun violence, but alas The Onion is not the place. I'll have to be patient.
aug 25, 2025, 8:36 pm • 1 0 • view
Response: "Sir, I respectfully request you use Purell and put on some gloves, and use Lysol wipes when you're finished stroking the barrel. Please be careful to not cock the trigger. Thank you, sir."
aug 25, 2025, 8:47 pm • 0 0 • view
in the military.. it is your weapon, and your gun is in the nether regions, and for fun (Veterans know what I am talking about), but the bowman boy would not know about that, either, since he is anatomically correct...
aug 25, 2025, 8:19 pm • 1 0 • view
Vice President Barney Fife.
aug 25, 2025, 8:32 pm • 1 0 • view
Here is my rifle and here is my gun This one's for fighting and this one's for fun
aug 25, 2025, 8:13 pm • 3 0 • view
Pls remove your couchs from the room
aug 25, 2025, 8:08 pm • 0 0 • view
Man in makeup engaged in potato couch grooming.
aug 26, 2025, 4:43 pm • 0 0 • view
let him clean it
aug 25, 2025, 8:02 pm • 1 0 • view
aug 25, 2025, 8:09 pm • 1 0 • view
?
aug 25, 2025, 11:34 pm • 0 0 • view
It was also later confirmed he was indeed a Garbage Pale Kid as a child. When asked for comment Vance just stared blankly at the correspondent and drooled.
aug 26, 2025, 1:05 pm • 0 0 • view
aug 25, 2025, 8:08 pm • 0 0 • view
I don't think you'd catch MAGA asking for consent.
aug 25, 2025, 9:16 pm • 0 0 • view
...everybody who let JD touch the gun is invited to take a seat on the couch, even without wearing a suit...
aug 31, 2025, 4:58 am • 0 0 • view
Obviously satire. Vance would never bother asking
aug 25, 2025, 8:30 pm • 0 0 • view
It was a euphemism.
aug 31, 2025, 4:49 am • 0 0 • view
Guns; soldiers; Furniture Outlets w/in easy drive of DC...JD's in heaven. He can't even hide his "Oh" face.
aug 26, 2025, 1:59 am • 3 0 • view
"This is my rifle, this is my gun. This is for shooting and this is for fun." "Well let's have some fun!"
aug 31, 2025, 11:50 am • 0 0 • view
I'd love to see him gun shopping by mouth-feel. Go ahead, try to suck-start that rifle.
aug 25, 2025, 8:33 pm • 0 0 • view
I hope not, because, this is my weapon, this is my gun. This is for fighting, this is for fun. I would not want Vance anywhere near my "gun".
aug 25, 2025, 11:01 pm • 1 0 • view
aug 25, 2025, 8:51 pm • 0 0 • view
“Where did the bad man touch you?” The DoD’s newest investigation tool: Army Andy, the bad touch doll.
aug 25, 2025, 8:52 pm • 0 0 • view
"Wow, this is way cooler than the camera they issued me"
aug 31, 2025, 5:55 am • 0 0 • view