JD Vance Asks National Guard Member If He Can Touch Gun https://theonion.com/jd-vance-asks-national-guard-member-if-he-can-touch-gun/
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JD Vance Asks National Guard Member If He Can Touch Gun https://theonion.com/jd-vance-asks-national-guard-member-if-he-can-touch-gun/
Grapes 'Big Hit' At Area Picnic https://theonion.com/grapes-big-hit-at-area-picnic-1819568649/
Recently Divorced Man Thinks Everyone Else's Relationship Is In Trouble https://theonion.com/recently-divorced-man-thinks-everyone-elses-relationshi-1819566132/
Nutritionists Warn Taco Bell $3 Steak Burrito A $3 Steak Burrito https://theonion.com/nutritionists-warn-taco-bell-3-steak-burrito-a-3-steak-burrito/
White House Downplays Trump Hand Bruise As Least Concerning Part Of Body https://theonion.com/white-house-downplays-trump-hand-bruise-as-least-concerning-part-of-body/
Unstable Relative, Toddler Compete For Attention At Family Get-Together https://theonion.com/unstable-relative-toddler-compete-for-attention-at-fam-1819570990/
Fulfill your destiny. Buy Onion Merch. https://store.theonion.com/products/lady-liberty-patriotic-panic-t-shirt?_pos=1&_sid=323519a99&_ss=r&variant=39317070970949
Each Member Of Family On Edge As Vacation Has Gone By Without One Blowout Fight https://theonion.com/each-member-of-family-on-edge-as-vacation-has-gone-by-w-1819579179/
Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order https://theonion.com/area-dad-informs-busboy-he-s-ready-to-order-1819578117/
8,500-Year-Old Settlement Lost To Rising Sea Discovered Off Denmark’s Coast https://theonion.com/8500-year-old-settlement-lost-to-rising-sea-discovered-off-denmarks-coast/
What To Know About ‘KPop Demon Hunters’ https://theonion.com/what-to-know-about-kpop-demon-hunters/
Report: Your Naked Body Will Make Entire Morgue Laugh https://theonion.com/report-your-naked-body-will-make-entire-morgue-laugh/
Cracker Barrel Scraps Logo Redesign https://theonion.com/cracker-barrel-scraps-logo-redesign/
Night Out More Fun Without Broke Friend https://theonion.com/night-out-more-fun-without-broke-friend/
'Just Give Me The Damn Sepak Takraw Ball'
Scalpers Jack Up Price Of Colorado Rockies Ticket To $11 https://theonion.com/scalpers-jack-up-price-of-colorado-rockies-ticket-to-11/
Taylor Swift Tells Brittany Mahomes She Not Having Bridesmaids https://theonion.com/taylor-swift-tells-brittany-mahomes-she-not-having-bridesmaids/
New Pen Brings Fleeting Moment Of Satisfaction To Local Man https://theonion.com/new-pen-brings-fleeting-moment-of-satisfaction-to-local-1819564821/
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Search For Public Restroom An Epic Ordeal Of Alienation, Humiliation, Human Cruelty https://theonion.com/search-for-public-restroom-an-epic-ordeal-of-alienation-1819566549/
CDC Director Arrives At Office To Find Dead Deer With ‘Fired’ Carved Into It
Dead-Eyed Travis Kelce Nods At Bow Tie Options For Cat Ring Bearers https://theonion.com/dead-eyed-travis-kelce-nods-at-bow-tie-options-for-cat-ring-bearers/
Denny’s Announces Free Pancakes For Customers Who Take Fight Outside https://theonion.com/dennys-announces-free-pancakes-for-customers-who-take-fight-outside/
The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Andrew Cuomo https://theonion.com/the-onions-exclusive-interview-with-andrew-cuomo/
Death Of Chopped-Up Woman Ruled A Suicide
Record-Breaking Number Of Viewers Now Following WNBA Players Home
CEO Worried 23-Year-Old Only Into Him For His Keen Business Acumen https://theonion.com/ceo-worried-23-year-old-only-into-him-for-his-keen-business-acumen/
Man Has Mixed Feelings About Having Disease Named After Him https://theonion.com/man-has-mixed-feelings-about-having-disease-named-after-1819566135/
Show everyone you are smart despite your current salary. https://store.theonion.com/collections/headlines/products/i-appreciate-the-muppets-onion-headline-t-shirt?variant=41712819798085
Study Finds U.S. Employees Waste 2 Million Hours Annually Spending Time With Friends, Family https://theonion.com/study-finds-u-s-employees-waste-2-million-hours-annual-1850708700/
Precocious 4-Year-Old Already Feels Terrible About Herself https://theonion.com/precocious-4-year-old-already-feels-terrible-about-hers-1819579212/
Florida Orders Cities To Remove Rainbow Crosswalks https://theonion.com/florida-orders-cities-to-remove-rainbow-crosswalks/
Housefly Tracks Dog Shit All Over Cucumber Slice
Global Tetrahedron Commends Pharma Giant BTH On Their Commitment To Profit At Any Cost, Human or Otherwise. Watch @toxicavenger, uncut only in theaters Friday 8.29. #toxicavenger #partner #ad
Iguana Surprisingly Un-Chill
Mom Trying Something Called ‘The Serial Killer’s Diet’ https://theonion.com/mom-trying-something-called-the-serial-killers-diet/
The Onion Reviews 'RoboCop'
79 Years Ago Today:
Trump Aides Unsure Why Spalding Making Such Generous PAC Donations https://theonion.com/trump-aides-unsure-why-spalding-making-such-generous-pac-donations/
Area Woman Not Good Enough Artist To Justify Eccentricities https://theonion.com/area-woman-not-good-enough-artist-to-justify-eccentrici-1819577481/
“The discoloration on the president’s hand is superficial and no cause for worry—in fact, it is probably one of his healthiest anatomical regions,” said White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt https://theonion.com/white-house-downplays-trump-hand-bruise-as-least-concerning-part-of-body/
This Weeks Editorial Cartoon: Freshman Weak
Consume until the throbbing subsides. https://store.theonion.com/products/drugs-win-drug-war-onion-headline-t-shirt?_pos=1&_sid=3b83b4c32&_ss=r&variant=17247276924995
Man Entering Fog Of Insanity Asked If This His First Time At Dave & Buster’s https://theonion.com/man-entering-fog-of-insanity-asked-if-this-his-first-ti-1833634968/
Hummingbird Feels Like Fucking Idiot After Seeing Other Bird Gliding https://theonion.com/hummingbird-feels-like-fucking-idiot-after-seeing-other-bird-gliding/
California Resident Tests Positive For The Plague https://theonion.com/california-resident-tests-positive-for-the-plague/
Teacher Goes With School-Themed Classroom
This Weeks Editorial Cartoon: Freshman Weak
Eric Adams Aide Accused Of Bribing Journalist With Cash Inside Potato Chip Bag https://theonion.com/eric-adams-aide-accused-of-bribing-journalist-with-cash-inside-potato-chip-bag/
Fact-Checking Trump On Voter Fraud https://theonion.com/fact-checking-trump-on-voter-fraud/
Taylor Swift Hints New Album Could Be About Her https://theonion.com/taylor-swift-hints-new-album-could-be-about-her/
CIA Announces It Has Obtained The Briefcase
Nutritionists Warn Taco Bell $3 Steak Burrito A $3 Steak Burrito https://theonion.com/nutritionists-warn-taco-bell-3-steak-burrito-a-3-steak-burrito/
Yes ... MAHA-ha ... YES! @theonion.com theonion.com/wax-on-vax-o...
White House Downplays Trump Hand Bruise As Least Concerning Part Of Body https://theonion.com/white-house-downplays-trump-hand-bruise-as-least-concerning-part-of-body/
Everyone Involved In Pizza's Preparation, Delivery, Purchase Extremely High https://theonion.com/everyone-involved-in-pizzas-preparation-delivery-purc-1819564897/
Dark times call for reckless purchases. https://store.theonion.com/collections/headlines/products/history-sighs-repeats-itself-onion-headline-t-shirt-1?variant=31521578647621
Rock Looked Way Cooler Wet
JD Vance Asks National Guard Member If He Can Touch Gun https://theonion.com/jd-vance-asks-national-guard-member-if-he-can-touch-gun/
Guy In Philosophy Class Needs To Shut The Fuck Up https://theonion.com/guy-in-philosophy-class-needs-to-shut-the-fuck-up-1819568055/
Former Japanese Internment Camp Used As Immigrant Detention Center https://theonion.com/former-japanese-internment-camp-used-as-immigrant-detention-center/
Pros And Cons Of Using AI For Schoolwork https://theonion.com/pros-and-cons-of-using-ai-for-schoolwork/
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Poor 3rd Grader Bullied For Using Generic EpiPen https://theonion.com/poor-3rd-grader-bullied-for-using-generic-epipen/
Presumably Real Television Show Comes To Acorn TV https://theonion.com/presumably-real-television-show-comes-to-acorn-tv/
Overwhelmed Archaeologists Struggling To Keep Pace With Glut Of Early Humans Thawed Out By Climate Change https://theonion.com/overwhelmed-archaeologists-struggling-to-keep-pace-with-1841766142/
New Evidence Finds Titanic Passengers Continued Eating From Buffet As Ship Sank https://theonion.com/new-evidence-finds-titanic-passengers-continued-eating-1836407827/
Pirates Under Fire For Directly Marketing Team To Children https://theonion.com/pirates-under-fire-for-directly-marketing-team-to-children/
Cash-Strapped Subway Threatens To Reveal Identities Of Customers Who Eat Subway If They Don’t Pay
Sam Altman Places Gun To Head After New GPT Claims Dogs Are Crustaceans For 60th Time https://theonion.com/sam-altman-places-gun-to-head-after-new-gpt-claims-dogs-are-crustaceans-for-60th-time/
Salt Lake City Hoping To Boost Tourism By Reminding Visitors They’re Free To Leave At Any Time https://theonion.com/salt-lake-city-hoping-to-boost-tourism-by-reminding-vis-1819576866/
All The Demands Trump Is Making Of The Smithsonian https://theonion.com/all-the-demands-trump-is-making-of-the-smithsonian/
Local Oaf Not Sure What Part Of Counter You Order At https://theonion.com/local-oaf-not-sure-what-part-of-counter-you-order-at-1819577026/
Trump Angry Not A Single Visiting European Leader Wearing Lederhosen, Tiny Hat https://theonion.com/trump-angry-not-a-single-visiting-european-leader-wearing-lederhosen-tiny-hat/
Heroin Overdose Serves As Wake-Up Call To Keep Doing Heroin But Smarter https://theonion.com/heroin-overdose-serves-as-wake-up-call-to-keep-doing-heroin-but-smarter/
God Admits Heaven Was Way Cooler In The ’70s https://theonion.com/god-admits-heaven-was-way-cooler-in-the-70s-1833634844/
98 Years Ago Today: Sacco, Vanzetti Executed For Murder, Italian Descent
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Family Members Locked In Heated Bidding War To Convince Cat To Sleep In Their Bed https://theonion.com/family-members-locked-in-heated-bidding-war-to-convince-1833634553/
Report Finds Humans Waste 74 Billion Gallons Of Water Each Year Making Tea https://theonion.com/report-finds-humans-waste-74-billion-gallons-of-water-each-year-making-tea/
FDA Warns Against Eating Potentially Radioactive Shrimp Sold At Walmart https://theonion.com/fda-warns-against-eating-potentially-radioactive-shrimp-sold-at-walmart/
Post Pretty Sanctimonious For Mere Month Of Sobriety https://theonion.com/post-pretty-sanctimonious-for-mere-month-of-sobriety/
Morgan Wallen Boycotts Grammys In Protest Of Desegregation https://theonion.com/morgan-wallen-boycotts-grammys-in-protest-of-desegregation/
Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy https://theonion.com/nation-leery-of-very-odd-little-boy-1819579644/
Atrocities Keep Getting In Frame Of D.C. Tourist’s Shot https://theonion.com/atrocities-keep-getting-in-frame-of-d-c-tourists-shot/
Teen Unaware He Locked In Heated Ongoing Competition With Parents' Friends' Son https://theonion.com/teen-unaware-he-locked-in-heated-ongoing-competition-wi-1819573828/
Our merchandise is suitable for any and all lifestyles that center around empty material possessions.
What To Know About ‘Alien: Earth’ https://theonion.com/what-to-know-about-alien-earth/
MSNBC Renamed MS NOW
Study Finds Fewer Americans Than Ever Believe In Snoopy https://theonion.com/study-finds-fewer-americans-than-ever-believe-in-snoopy-1839328096/
Rockies Pitcher Pledges To Give Up Home Run For Sick Child https://theonion.com/rockies-pitcher-pledges-to-give-up-home-run-for-sick-child/
Texas Democrats Return To State
Evidence Suggests Easter Island Heads Were Gifts From Overbearing Mother-In-Law https://theonion.com/evidence-suggests-easter-island-heads-were-gifts-from-overbearing-mother-in-law/
Local Teen Invents Masturbation
New Law Requires 15% Of Cocaine Received By Child Actors Be Set Aside For Future https://theonion.com/new-law-requires-15-of-cocaine-received-by-child-actors-be-set-aside-for-future/
WNBA Agrees To End Disparity Between Men’s, Women’s Fines https://theonion.com/wnba-agrees-to-end-disparity-between-mens-womens-fines/
Businessman Does His Work Lying On Bed Like Schoolgirl
