Those who haven’t been through the cycle of abuse rarely realize a massive part of why people stay is the horribly human conviction that if we could just find the right words, they’d understand what they’re doing is wrong & that it’s killing us. There are no right words, because they already know.
With respect, I’m of the opinion that they are uncontrollable, small, insecure bullies with anger issues - traits often handed down from uncontrollable, small, insecure bullies with anger issues. They have no coping mechanism and have cognitive dissonance. Therefore no desire to change. Leave.
Abusers also control others using threats, some of which are primarily psychological and some of which are psychological and involve the threat of specific actions. "No one will love you" and "You'll never see your children again."
If you are basically a good person, it can be hard to understand that the person abusing you is not interested in finding a way to lessen the suffering they are creating for you, that they are in fact doing it on purpose.
I think a bigger part is that most murders occur when the abused woman (almost always a woman) tries to escape.
Not to make light of your point but abusers sound a lot like Trump voters. I think I understand those voters (within your context), which helps me to understand your point about abusers.
In my case, it was also that she echoed all the things my insecurities told me were wrong with me.
Yeah, that is so brutal and so specific. NO ONE can pinpoint your weakest spots like an intimate partner, & the wrong partner will go for those spots every time
From a broken home to a dv relationship. He threatened me and my family. His parents were rich.
Absolutely correct. For the first 18 years of my life, I had to deal with an abusive step-father. He knew that fear kept me and my family "in line." Of course, my brother and I didn't want anything to do with him when he was around, so this made him bitter & resentful. Reap what you sow.
Certainly this applies to my early life—even as a child you try to explain & it never matters. But then you grow up into an adult feeling like you don’t matter at all as a person, because the people who were supposed to care didn’t actually. But if we could only say it RIGHT now that we’re adults…
For a long time, I tried desperately to matter, which made me super self-conscious about everything, be it physical, personality, being popular, etc. But, at some point, I finally learned to accept myself & stopped caring if I mattered to everyone, what others thought of me, etc.
“Desperately trying to matter” is probably a fair tag line to my entire life
I can, in earnest, say that you matter for many reasons. The hardest part of it is truly believing you do.
Now, I don't let society shame me for who I am. I know I matter and don't need others to validate it.
There is also the factor of convincing ourselves that its not that bad and the unknown (life with out the abuser) is more scary. We all fear the unknown. (One of my reasons anyway for not leaving sooner)
And then there is also the twisted idea of how the abuser will fare if you leave. "They can't survive without me, this and that will be so bad for them. I can't do this. They need me. I'm not a monster." That trapped my mom in relationship that should have ended way sooner than it did.
Yes. This can be applied to abusive pathological leaders.
Agree
As a domestic abuse survivor I couldn't agree more.
Wishing for words to heal, I find only silence.
Mistake I've made is trying to manifest the version of them I know could exist.
A lot of people think it's normal as well and that's just the way all families are.
"If I do more they'll stop hurting me" "If I break they won't want me" "If I leave they'll find me" The 3 stages of not leaving an abuser. Over loving, self harm, fear. Gotta get through all 3 to leave. It's a rough process.
You also become convinced that staying is necessary for survival.
True words.
Yup. Very that.
I'm glad that I eventually learned that me staying was not only making me miserable, but also setting an awful example for my kids. She kept on cheating, even though we were "giving it another try for the kids" (which is bullshit, never make that conclusion). Abusers will never stop abusing.
True.
MAle survivor of domestic violence, here. It's not so much that I thought she would see the light. I thought if I just get through a whole day without doing something wrong that upset her, we would be okay. I just needed to do/be better. Abusers make their victims think it's their fault.
Oh, love. I know that feel.
Yes! 💯
i wish there was more acknowledgement of the fact many abuser DELIBERATELY paint the picture that if you left, they'd be spun into even more instability that would result in their death. like most of these people are VERY comfortable saying "if you leave i WILL kill myself" out loud to your face
After I finally left, he told me over the phone that if I didn't come back he would kill himself. I told him that was on him, not me. I still wonder at how getting out gave me such a new perspective, and also angry that I stayed so long.
And did he?
Of course not. He did have his girlfriend that I didn't know about move in, however. 🤨
like unfortunately we are led to CARE about these people's wellbeing LONG before they ever start harming us. it's easy to see someone hit someone else and think "wtf just walk out", with no context for the months or years of relationship built up BEFORE that point
my first abuser was someone i wasn't even ATTRACTED to, but i was compassionate enough that my best wishes for them overrode every unfair thing they did (incl forcing me to date them) - until it was too late & their life was in my hands regardless it's SO much more complex than people give credit
This is a surprisingly common story.
Many such cases.