as far as i can tell all this means is "i have a partner who has obligations to me, but whom i have no obligations to."
Replies
at least one person who follows me is going to find this infuriating but IME this is the most common type of poly
sep 2, 2025, 7:51 pm • 113 0 • view
Pretty much, yeah.
sep 2, 2025, 8:09 pm • 2 0 • view
It's easy to forget that there are a lot of people who are online enough to know what "poly" means but aren't Actively Discursive in the field.
sep 2, 2025, 8:12 pm • 4 0 • view
bonus points if their partner had no input into this
sep 2, 2025, 7:52 pm • 72 0 • view
the fact that "poly" as commonly understood has fewer explicit rules than previously popular forms of non-monogamy makes it uniquely bad for this imho. like. sorry, it's just just a thing
sep 2, 2025, 7:54 pm • 56 0 • view
The “best” (worst) version of this I’ve seen is “Coming out as poly” in the same conversation as their spouse confronting them about an affair. Complete with totally serious demands to be happy they were “comfortable enough for this step”
sep 2, 2025, 11:09 pm • 4 0 • view
I should be clear here that I’m not saying this common or typical. It’s like abusers who say “seeing your friends” is a “boundary”. The devil can cite scripture for his purpose, etc.
sep 2, 2025, 11:20 pm • 6 0 • view
we know similar people
sep 2, 2025, 11:23 pm • 2 0 • view
Or if their partner felt pressured to agree to it / didn't want to break up
sep 2, 2025, 8:30 pm • 4 0 • view
"My solo partner enthusiastically agreed to this arrangement, by which I mean I presented it to them as an ultimatum that they ultimately bowed to instead of divorcing me"
sep 2, 2025, 7:53 pm • 38 0 • view
I’ve seen that turn into “we can both be poly, wait, what do you mean you get more dates than me and now you are leaving?”
sep 3, 2025, 2:54 am • 2 0 • view
🖕🏿🖕🏾🖕🏽🖕🏼🖕🏻
sep 2, 2025, 8:54 pm • 3 0 • view
And also we'll still be divorced a year-and-a-half from now
sep 2, 2025, 7:59 pm • 16 0 • view
my being presented with this ultimatum did, indeed, result in me being single very shortly thereafter
sep 2, 2025, 8:06 pm • 27 0 • view
Same.
sep 3, 2025, 1:13 am • 1 0 • view
yeah there's a lot of really selfish people in poly circles. Not surprising since... well there's selfish people everywhere. But poly circles kinda shame you for not respecting the selfishness
sep 2, 2025, 8:09 pm • 14 0 • view
"please respect my culture (of hitting on your wife in front of you)"
sep 2, 2025, 8:11 pm • 11 0 • view
I'm sorry you went through that. I know two marriages ended this way, so you are not alone.
sep 2, 2025, 8:09 pm • 4 0 • view
Oh yeah my ex wife tried that. She got served with papers real quick.
sep 2, 2025, 8:14 pm • 5 0 • view
From the description it sounds like both sides of the marriage are solo poly?
sep 2, 2025, 7:53 pm • 6 0 • view
yeah i mean basically this conflict of interest disclosure: i have been on the receiving end of this ultimatum bsky.app/profile/hrae...
sep 2, 2025, 7:54 pm • 38 0 • view
haha me too, it’s a super fun experience (we got divorced)
sep 2, 2025, 9:48 pm • 7 0 • view
the fact that like half a dozen people have said this is depressing but at least i'm not wrong that this is just a Way People Act now
sep 2, 2025, 9:48 pm • 13 0 • view
I wonder how significant the overlap is between doing this and having borderline personality disorder
sep 2, 2025, 9:53 pm • 3 0 • view
i would assume incredibly high but also i don't have a very large non-borderline sample to compare with
sep 2, 2025, 9:56 pm • 2 0 • view
zero is a type of "not very large"
sep 2, 2025, 9:56 pm • 2 0 • view
this thread is making me grateful my marriage fell apart for regular ass reasons lmao. we grew distant, I became increasingly depressed, she cheated, I left. Fin. No weird labels to overcomplicate an already messy situation.
sep 2, 2025, 10:15 pm • 3 0 • view
i mean tbh this is basically just cheating with more bullshit, i don't think you missed that much
sep 2, 2025, 10:19 pm • 3 0 • view
The Harem Model is not a good way to organize human intimacy. I kind of think our inability to clearly say that last decade (and now!) says everything about where we were politically.
sep 2, 2025, 9:57 pm • 2 0 • view
clarity since this has like ten replies: we were not married, but also, jesus christ
sep 2, 2025, 8:29 pm • 7 0 • view
As someone who's been in several poly relationships (all of which started that way) let me just say: jesus christ, that's not an ok way to behave
sep 2, 2025, 9:20 pm • 3 0 • view
As someone who has literally never been in a monogamous relationship and finds the idea itself a little alien I’m gonna say that is some fucked up bullshit to do to you.
sep 2, 2025, 8:24 pm • 9 0 • view
appreciate it. honestly everyone who is poly and not terrible seems to agree on this but uhhh anyone can decide to say they're poly, you know
sep 2, 2025, 8:25 pm • 12 0 • view
I think this is related to weaponized therapy speak. Extra triple side eye at anyone who talks about a “one penis policy” like no you just want a harem.
sep 2, 2025, 8:28 pm • 13 0 • view
it is literally the same people as the weaponized therapy speak IME.
sep 2, 2025, 8:29 pm • 14 0 • view
like. nobody pulls this shit who does not also tell you that you're not respecting their boundaries by not going along with their bullshit, or something like that
sep 2, 2025, 8:30 pm • 10 0 • view
100% related. just dancing around shit you know Ain't Look Good on Paper with misdirection words.
sep 2, 2025, 8:32 pm • 5 0 • view
The only time I have encountered this this ultimatum was given and they announced a divorce like a month later anyway. I imagine that's pretty typical of how it goes, because yeah there's no way to not make that fucked up. I can't imagine being on the receiving end like that.
sep 2, 2025, 8:28 pm • 4 0 • view
Christ alive that’s the worst, I’m sorry
sep 2, 2025, 8:26 pm • 1 0 • view
Me too, _very_ soon after coming out, relocating, and starting to date and hook up after a years-long depression. Good shit.
sep 2, 2025, 9:25 pm • 4 0 • view
it does always seem to happen when you're kind of vulnerable. crazy. i am sure this is a coincidence
sep 2, 2025, 9:26 pm • 2 0 • view
I was naive too, which I suspect she took advantage of (I’m not blaming myself).
sep 2, 2025, 9:30 pm • 1 0 • view
Ouch. Sorry friend.
sep 2, 2025, 7:55 pm • 14 0 • view
in fact i think this is MORE common than cheating secretly among people i know personally
sep 2, 2025, 7:56 pm • 26 0 • view
Two of my friends have gotten divorces after this exact scenario
sep 2, 2025, 8:06 pm • 5 0 • view
i think i'm at one divorce and two very LTR breakups
sep 2, 2025, 8:09 pm • 4 0 • view
Oof I'm sorry, man
sep 2, 2025, 8:11 pm • 2 0 • view
wait i forgot someone. i've seen three year+ long term relationships of friends dissolve this way.
sep 2, 2025, 8:11 pm • 6 0 • view
Well I mean....
sep 2, 2025, 7:57 pm • 1 0 • view
I mean, you live in the Bay Area right? Sounds about right
sep 2, 2025, 7:57 pm • 14 0 • view
seattle, always bay area-ish crowd but not usually in the bay, so, yeah.
sep 2, 2025, 7:58 pm • 18 0 • view
"i left them for my side piece": archaic, crude, etc "i'm poly and they just got so jealous for no reason, which is a real betrayal when you're poly": enlightened, valid
sep 2, 2025, 8:01 pm • 42 0 • view
polyamory has a lot of reasonably strong philosophical arguments for it, but they all basically fail on grounds of “you cannot logically argue people into experiencing attraction differently”, which is what a lot of the poasting about the irrationality of jealousy fundamentally is
sep 2, 2025, 8:30 pm • 7 0 • view
I will say in my defense I had 5 poly lovers when we met at a gangbang. "Just until I'm comfortable" stretched into over 6 years ... so yeah an ultimatum happened. Not even a little sorry. I need to be who I always loudly proclaimed to be.
sep 3, 2025, 12:24 am • 0 0 • view
as foucault says, we invented sexuality a few hundred years ago and socially reified it into something we believe is fundamental and unchangeable but today i ask: what if we also make up a bunch of other identities and act like those are also immutable facets of ourselves
sep 2, 2025, 8:04 pm • 35 3 • view
Seattle has a bay and it is an area.
sep 3, 2025, 12:27 am • 2 0 • view
i mean i also haven't been here that long but i think it's demonstrable that i have the energy, so
sep 3, 2025, 12:28 am • 1 0 • view
The poly cycle: 1) confirmed bachelors try to explain they're happy not assimilating, sometimes inventing new labels. 2) people see those bachelors get dates and fuck because they have low pressure lives of queer partying, 3) people steal the labels from the bachelors and pretend they're the same.
sep 2, 2025, 8:37 pm • 4 0 • view
I say this because I literally popularized relationship anarchy in a very niche asexual context and then when married people started using it I switched to solo poly to be extra clear. And now the same type of poly I was trying to distinguish from is using solo poly 😭
sep 2, 2025, 8:39 pm • 5 0 • view
yeah i think i am concluding that the problem is that straight people cannot be trusted with the word 'poly'
sep 2, 2025, 8:43 pm • 15 0 • view
Literally at this point I don't use it and just say I'm a gay fuckboy, it works so much better and self selects away from the worst poly people (and then me and my boys "are a thing" for years and years on accident and it's great).
sep 2, 2025, 9:05 pm • 5 0 • view
sounds like winning to me
sep 2, 2025, 9:08 pm • 3 0 • view
totally fine if this arrangement is consensual but frequently it's a mono couple with one person wanting to try poly stuff and one person putting themselves through hell for their partner
sep 2, 2025, 8:13 pm • 18 0 • view
oh you're a poly couple? are you the one that fucks other people or the one that cries yourself to sleep at night?
sep 2, 2025, 9:50 pm • 5 1 • view
only valid if you start off as a mono couple :^)
sep 2, 2025, 10:06 pm • 3 0 • view
my main issue with poly people is that there is so much racism in the community because, you see, poly want a cracker
sep 2, 2025, 8:26 pm • 6 0 • view
there is a very unfortunate overlap with swingers who decided to adopt poly as a label
sep 2, 2025, 8:05 pm • 31 0 • view
the swinger crowd appears to have been like "wait ... there's FEWER rules??? where do i sign up"
sep 2, 2025, 8:11 pm • 11 0 • view
And/or people who are fundamentally unethical deciding poly is a way for them to better frame their lack of ethics, but I repeat myself
sep 2, 2025, 8:28 pm • 16 0 • view
What does this look like? The two seem to be parallel but separate cultures, largely on generational lines.
sep 2, 2025, 11:23 pm • 1 0 • view
i think this is accurate but people who would correctly be described as swingers other than the label being less commonly used will now call themselves poly with great frequency
sep 2, 2025, 11:26 pm • 4 0 • view
So a person or couple calling themselves poly, but who are only interested in recreational sex without a closer nonsexual commitment?
sep 2, 2025, 11:32 pm • 1 0 • view
yes but also who are blurring those lines badly because unlike actual swingers they basically just learn some poly catch phrases instead of establishing specific rules and boundaries half the time
sep 2, 2025, 11:36 pm • 4 0 • view
they are setting out to basically do that and are also totally failing to commit to only doing that or indeed to anything in particular
sep 2, 2025, 11:37 pm • 0 0 • view
You can tell who’s actually poly because they have strong opinions about multi platform calendar management.
sep 2, 2025, 11:39 pm • 4 0 • view
I gotcha. It is funny that because they are largely segregated cultures, you get swingers who reinvent hierarchical poly relationships with other couples, and poly people who just want to be a solo swinger having lots of recreational sex.
sep 2, 2025, 11:43 pm • 1 0 • view
Everything I learn about contemporary dating (and most of Modern Relationships) make me happier and happier that I'm mid 40s with a vanilla, closed marriage.
sep 2, 2025, 8:20 pm • 4 0 • view
I dated someone in a long term committed asexual relationship (they themselves were not ace) so solo poly and married actually kinda makes sense to me?
sep 2, 2025, 8:20 pm • 5 0 • view
'Solo Poly' consists of exactly one proposition, to wit: There must be partners whom vows protect but do not bind, alongside partners whom vows bind but do not protect.
sep 2, 2025, 8:27 pm • 35 0 • view
Isn't that just 1800's-and-earlier marriage from the perspective of a rich man?
sep 2, 2025, 8:40 pm • 4 0 • view
I just assumed she meant that they're legally married for tax/benefits reasons but have separate homes and don't live a typical married-couple kind of life, as well as both having other partners. But maybe I'm steelmanning it too hard.
sep 2, 2025, 9:56 pm • 2 0 • view
These people HATE me for practicing explicitly heirarchical kitchen table poly. And for being a swinger and gangbang slut. Then sub to Hubby and dominant bottom with others seals the trifecta of offended One Twue Wayers. *snortle*
sep 3, 2025, 12:17 am • 1 0 • view
Before the right appropriated the term, this is a pretty conventional cuckold relationship. One sleeps around, the other dutifully stays at home and bears it
sep 2, 2025, 7:55 pm • 3 0 • view
I believe “wittol” would be more accurate as a knowing and willing party where a cuckold was typically unaware.
sep 2, 2025, 8:20 pm • 2 0 • view
I think solo poly + married is mostly “there are legal benefits you get with marriage” because otherwise that’s kind of weird phrasing. Otherwise it’s not any weirder than “bisexual person in mixed sex relationship with straight partner”.
sep 2, 2025, 8:21 pm • 9 1 • view
Then don’t say you’re married, we’re not the government we don’t give a shit about your legal benefits
sep 3, 2025, 12:19 am • 0 0 • view
Have you considered go fuck yourself?
sep 3, 2025, 12:20 am • 0 0 • view
Not asexual sorry
sep 3, 2025, 12:51 am • 0 0 • view
That would be idiosexual. 🌈💫
sep 3, 2025, 12:51 am • 0 0 • view
Maybe I run with a different kind of degenerate but in my circles everyone at least has the obligation of transparency and communication. I don’t trust people who are like “oh my partner doesn’t want to hear about it but they’re ok with it.” My ass. We should all be able to have dinner together.
sep 2, 2025, 8:21 pm • 15 1 • view
At least a simple, “Have fun storming the castle” on your way out the door
sep 2, 2025, 9:21 pm • 3 0 • view
I don't have any clue what this means.
sep 2, 2025, 7:48 pm • 2 0 • view
Odysseus and Penelope as a model for a non-monogamous relationship.
sep 2, 2025, 8:16 pm • 5 0 • view
but what about their kids
sep 2, 2025, 8:23 pm • 2 0 • view
I’m baffled, but isn’t this what we used to call dating?
sep 2, 2025, 8:09 pm • 2 0 • view
Isnt this called cuckolding?
sep 2, 2025, 8:05 pm • 0 0 • view
It feels like that old InternetHippo tweet about starting a polycule just to save on the rent and health insurance
sep 2, 2025, 7:50 pm • 40 0 • view
This was exactly my thought
sep 2, 2025, 8:07 pm • 2 0 • view
I met a person in a 7 member polycule last month and it sounded to me like that was their exact situation.
sep 2, 2025, 8:47 pm • 0 0 • view
I'm not saying it's a bad idea lol
sep 2, 2025, 8:52 pm • 1 0 • view
me reading that thread
sep 2, 2025, 10:48 pm • 2 0 • view
…. Did they get married for the health insurance/tax cuts like what are we doing here
sep 2, 2025, 8:06 pm • 2 0 • view
Far be it from me, whose specific identities get REALLY ANNOYING if I actually sit down and explain them, to be like “people these days inventing new words” but I mean. What are we doing.
sep 2, 2025, 8:06 pm • 2 0 • view
Right. I mean, “one partner goes outside the marriage and there is an implicit understanding about it” is not some new, innovative lifestyle leading to greater freedom and self expression.
sep 2, 2025, 8:32 pm • 1 0 • view
it can also mean "my partner is into dating other people, but I'm not, and don't want to be, but I want them to be happy" I've been that person in a relationship and I know other people who have been too -not everybody gets jealous, and not everyone who doesn't wants to date multiple ppl themselves
sep 2, 2025, 7:49 pm • 73 0 • view
Oh, now I see what set you off defending poly people today. Well, I appreciate it at least. I've had to watch poly (and trans, but not monog cis gay!) feds be outed and fired under this regime. It's not harmless to throw poly people under the bus. The regime knows no one will stand up for them.
sep 2, 2025, 11:45 pm • 12 2 • view
TBH I think how ostensibly left of center people talk about polyamorists et al is a huge tell because it shows how one treats not-obviously-marginalized weirdos with a non normative lifestyle that isn’t harming one. It is a test for whether people are decent when their politics are silent.
sep 2, 2025, 11:52 pm • 16 3 • view
Vs “I am obsessed with the punching up/down distinction because I am fundamentally cruel and have no actual moral compass or value for other human beings as ends in themselves, but am terrified of acting in an ideologically incorrect way.”
sep 2, 2025, 11:53 pm • 13 3 • view
“If you are weird and not from a disadvantaged background then I will mock you mercilessly like a schoolyard bully.”
sep 2, 2025, 11:55 pm • 16 3 • view
I'm in my 40s & feel like I watched real time as ace people went from taunted/excluded to "ace people have always been a precious part of the queer community!!" I've often wondered if poly folks will get shielded by the rainbow umbrella next, but The Perpetual Discourse™ has me seriously doubting it
sep 3, 2025, 12:11 am • 11 1 • view
there is no rainbow umbrella and never was. there's a coalition of sexy twenty-somethings who are queer and photogenic, and that's it
sep 3, 2025, 12:11 am • 6 2 • view
This stuff, I gotta say… it's both my young kids who are/will be part of this community, and I want the world for them, but I deeply fear the cruelty of that world
sep 3, 2025, 12:22 am • 3 0 • view
this is a very good subthread and you should feel good about it
sep 3, 2025, 6:53 am • 5 0 • view
people who think polyamory is mostly cishet white tech workers who are men dating multiple women are just completely out of touch
sep 2, 2025, 11:46 pm • 15 2 • view
THAT is very much the truth. Most of the poly people I know are queer and/or trans, dating same, in multiple complex configurations. If a cishet white dude wanders in he's usually very confused 😆
sep 3, 2025, 2:25 am • 2 0 • view
I do know of couples that were poly and one partner at some point basically became asexual for some period of time and was fine with the other not following suit. this seems entirely reasonable (and very different than pressuring someone into unwelcome nonmonogamy)
sep 2, 2025, 8:37 pm • 29 0 • view
Noah smith lol
sep 3, 2025, 12:17 am • 0 0 • view
That's totally a thing (a thing I have been part of too), but I *think* solo poly means something different? Though I'm never entirely sure what.
sep 3, 2025, 2:24 am • 1 0 • view
casual sex/dating multiple people explicitly without the expectation that you'll be exclusive to anyone, is how I understood it
sep 3, 2025, 3:47 am • 1 0 • view
Same, and also without the expectation that they'd be exclusive to you, and likely without the expectation that "serious about someone" means entangling finances, legal status, or living arrangements (the relationship escalator thing) But people mean diff things by the same terms sometimes, so!
sep 3, 2025, 6:24 am • 1 0 • view
I also know a married couple where one person is poly and the other is monogamous. The monogamous person could become poly if they wanted, and their partner would be happy if they did, but is apparently completely uninterested.
sep 2, 2025, 11:14 pm • 5 0 • view
yes, that was me at a certain point (minus the married part)
sep 2, 2025, 11:23 pm • 3 0 • view
I don’t know what “solo poly” means but at first blush I would think it just means “you don’t have to fuck both of us”? But the “escalator” metaphor is just inviting ambiguity, so idk. Maybe it made sense in context
sep 3, 2025, 12:52 am • 0 0 • view
This might be a function of the homo in homosexual
sep 3, 2025, 12:53 am • 0 0 • view