I had literally never had that thought before or not finished a drink, & it was like the stories told of how the world is an illusion & somebody made a cylindrical mirror with me in the middle of it. It cracked & shattered violently, and fell down into a black abyss. And the next thought was, "You
never gave yourself a choice. You just drank." My drinking has helped me tremendously to smooth out the body shenanigans & Complex PTSD, & split selves, as Bill Wilson said, "Alcohol is but a symptom of the disease." And it's all just karma running off anyway. "That's just your trip, man, everyone's
got their trip." To quote Ram Dass. I said to Tricia, my pistol packing, dirt bike riding, eidetic memory having, Lego stealing, Aries girl therapist n a Nephrologist's office, "Why do you suppose I had 7 1st year anniversaries in the Double A?" And she smiled & I answer my own question, "Because it
wasn't the right Rx for what ailed me." "OK, so back to me.", this is something AAers do when hanging on the sidewalk after a meeting. It's done in jest & with dead seriousness at the same time :) Turns out I had Internal Family Systems "split selves" & an 8 y.o. girl I locked in a closet, who was
really pissed; & a 10 year old boy who held all the shame; & a 12 or 13 y.o. boy who wears a light grey hoodie & is wearing Risky Business Wayfarers & holding a very large kitchen knife, like Michael in Halloween. Look out y'all, Kunga Tsondru is back in Lexington to settle the score. Hahah.
Lots of insane people blathering nonsense in this town, or, as Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche says, "Make friends with all of it because no one is coming to save you." I never bought it being a chronic, progressive, fatal illness. We sure miss weed though after carboxylating it 4-12 X a day for 9 years.