You need a bidet
You need a bidet
This has been suggested. I have never tried one. Few opportunities to test drive one.
You can get them for 20-30 bucks now and they install in about 5-10 minutes. It’s seriously worth it until you have to leave your house and shit in a Safeway bathroom.
The one I got from Tushy is hella basic and they will take it back no matter what if you don’t like it. I had used them before (one day I will have a home and afford a Japanese toilet) but having one of my own is amazing
What you really need is more fiber in your diet. Maybe look into Metamucil?
Haha. I'll take that under advisement. Thank you.