1/I don’t know where to set this information so I will set it here. I’m not sure I’ll have engagement. I hope I do. I keep thinking of @jennnextdoor.bsky.social & the healing door she opened for many of us who have experienced sexual abuse. 🙏 Today I learned my 1st cousin died. I have 3 cousins I
2/that I knew my entire life. She was one of them & the oldest grandchild. I am the youngest. My aunt, my mom’s sister, was 10 years older than my mom. I learned that my cousin had been in a diabetic coma for 12 days & had a failing liver. This was her 3rd recent diabetic coma. Apparently,
3/after the 1st 2 comas, she would begin drinking again. My non-LDS grandpa was an alcoholic who hid alcohol in our home. My grandpa sexually abused me. Today, for the 1st time, I’ve been wondering if my grandpa abused my cousin. Probably. Our families drifted apart when my mom & stepdad joined the
4/Mormon church. We saw my 3 cousins on holidays, birthdays & funerals. There was always tons of booze. Highballs were my grandpa’s favorite drink. He would watch Lawrence Welk, get wasted & dance around the room. The last time my grandpa abused me, my parents asked him to stop coming over.
5/Then my stepdad wanted to borrow money from my grandpa so my parents asked me to write my grandpa a letter of forgiveness, which included telling him he could come back into our home. I really believed writing this was letter was helping my parents. Out of fear of killing my grandma,
6/ I tried to keep my family’s secrets. Today my cousin died. Because of how my grandpa groomed me, my guess is he probably started with her. Maybe if we had been able to be open & uncomfortable, the abuse would have stopped. What I do know is I’ve tried to keep those secrets & yet I seem
7/to be wearing those shames in plain sight. I hope my cousin is able to rest in peace. I hope my family is able to heal & we are able to break these unhealthy cycles. I’m determined to break these cycles. The work is clunky, sad & weird.
8/Mostly the work to end these cycles is (🤞hopefully) enabling my children to be free from this shameful pain, set healthy boundaries & never have to shoulder the weight of someone else’s wrong-doing. #abuse #alcholism #cyclebreaker #healing #Mormon #trauma PS my grandpa wasn’t my only abuser 😥💔.
Can I own my discomfort in replying? I don't know how to express the outrage I feel, yet it's your pain, not mine. I am so sorry for it all, and I'm amazed at you and others for talking about it, helping to break the chain. I admire your strength.
Absolutely own your discomfort. I keep wanting to delete my post. Then I receive validating comments like yours. Thank you for speaking out! I’m sorry for all of it. I am grateful for your outrage. I was conditioned to keep my outrage on the down low. As a result my outrage came out sideways!
I’m so sorry, Beth. What a courageous thing to confront the pain and weight of it all. I know from experience that shedding the burden of secrets and breaking the cycles of trauma are so much work, but so worth it.
Hug right back to you, my friend. I’m still second guessing this entire post. Thank you for your kind words and empathy. Shedding the burden & breaking the cycles is so much work. As you point out, it is also worth it.
I never dealt with SA, but physical and emotional abuse were mainstays growing up. Perhaps even worse were the lies and secrets that poisoned every relationship. I swore to do everything in my power to not replicate that with my kids. Obvsly, the trauma clouds everything, but we mitigate as we can.
realizing there were other victims is a triggering experience 💔 i’m so sorry you were abused by a person that should’ve cherished & protected you! i’m proud of you for growing up to be the person that little Beth needed & i know for a fact that your post has made others feel less alone 🫶
I love you, Beth. ❤️ You are brave and strong. You're a fighter. A survivor. I'm so sorry you had to be.
Oh Kemi, I love you and am grateful for our authentic and safe friendship. ❤️ Your words stopped me in my tracks. I’m so sorry for all of us who have to fight through this things.
Ohhhh how I want to hug tiny Beth (& grown Beth), to protect her when no one did. Their generation caused ours so much pain, trauma and damage. I’m so so so sorry for this pain!
Hey friend. You always say the absolutely perfect thing. Your words hit hard and in such a comforting way. I often want to hug tiny Beth and all the under age children who’ve suffered the atrocities that were imposed onto them. Thank you for your love and care! ❤️
Thank you for sharing 💜
Thank you for reading my clunky words. It means a lot.
I’m so sorry. I’ve lived with a similar secret in my family. I told my mom about how my ten years older brother abused me, she has forgotten about it due to age. These secrets slowly kill our spirits. I hope all of us who’ve survived find some peace. ❤️
“These secrets slowly kill our spirits!” I don’t like to keep secrets so I was often scapegoated or made to feel like I was evil for trying to break cycles or speak truth. I’m so sorry you’ve experienced abuse & all of it. Thank you for helping me feel seen. I see you & the deep pain secrets cause.
I finally confronted my brother and tried to explain to the rest of my family. They chose comfort over accountability. I have pretty much cut ties with all five of my brothers. I live in Chicago so doing so is easier as they are all in SLC. I do go to some family things for my 94 yr old mom
reminding my abuser to not interact with me. He tries. The last time he did I reminded him in front of everyone. Like you I am scapegoated, belittled as dramatic etc. Me having left the church seems to add fuel to this, especially when my brother has held many positions of authority.
This is a large part of why I left. Thank you for your words of support. We both know what being seen means. I draw strength from you on here often.
I’ve been thinking about your response. It’s like I’m looking in a mirror. I’m so sorry. I’m drawing strength from you and often. 🫶
I did a post about this, but wanted to share here. Rep Pressley’s description of what survivors go through really hit me.
Thank you so much for your vulnerability in sharing your experiences. At 21st Century Saints we're trying to show the Church how being accountable is essential in making sure abuse doesn't thrive amongst it's members. I'm so sorry this happened to you. Your voice is helping others.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your cousin and for the abuse that you and probably she experienced. Proud of you for doing this processing as part of your grief work. Sending love.
You’re very kind. I didn’t know my cousin well, even though she was 1 of 3 cousins I knew. I’m now learning there were more secrets, which is heartbreaking. Thank you for seeing me & understanding this process. My grief is mostly about the secrets & how they negatively impacted my family. 😭💔
I’m so sorry. 😪
Thank you my friend. ❤️
Sorry feels a bit hollow, tbh. But my heart goes out to you.
Sorry is perfect. I’m sorry. It’s really messed up and I’m not quite sure how to process. Thank you for seeing me. 🫶