Ah! I'm a scale daddy. My child measures my weight every morning.
Magician, drag queen, poet, uncle, singer/songwriter. By day I do IT. By night I hardly ever do it. Rage, rage against the lying of the right Latest https://tinyurl.com/3pbs96xz Greatest https://tinyurl.com/4a6t5xnc Oldest https://tinyurl.com/yst6vyfc
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Ah! I'm a scale daddy. My child measures my weight every morning.
Always ready to put the shit into shitposter.
I understand that it's something of a taboo in polite circles to discuss number twos.
Nobody ever talks about โPublic Enemy Number Twoโ. Itโs as if they just donโt care.
Beautiful! Is it for sale?
I went on a creative writing course. Lesson one was Kill Your Babies. Regrettably Metaphors was lesson two.
I was like that two weeks ago. Did a covid test. Bam: two bars straight away. There's a lot of it about.
I'm not sure if this makes it better or worse, but for years I have understood it to be more akin to bee sick.
Ah, comme Le Pรฉtomane!
Oedipus Rex family reunions
Don't say that! You'll give me a complex.
Is that an option? I didn't know that was an option. Jeez, I really need to read the manual about human bodies and human emotions. I didn't think regulating those little buggers was an even possible.
I've had that happen too. I think it was because they subscribe to some dodgy block lists. (There's one that has me as a poster of furry porn, and another that has me as a genocide apologist.)
Let's all chip in and get him a get well coffin.
Does that rule apply if you actually aren't a dad? Many of my posts qualify as dad jokes, but I'm not an actual dad. (Not for want of trying, but the guys I sleep with must be very strict about their birth control.)
Aria sure?
"I worship scrotums." Does that mean ...? "Yes, I am sack religious."
Oh Romeo, Romeo... Did you just fart now, Romeo? No? Must be your breath then.
I should have dodged when he threw that tin of beans at me. Such is the benefit of Heinz sight.
Sorry. It's late here and wine happened.
One of many reasons why I find descriptions of heaven to be utterly incoherent.
[being murdered] murderer: (murdering) what are you doing on your phone me: (putting away phone) my bad what's up what's going on
Oedipus Rex the OG MILF lover.
Gone but not forgotten: all those โletโs hang out this summerโ vows. New season, new lies.
Hey, no pressure. That was inner monolog escaping through my fingers.
This would be a great slogan for a literacy campaign, wouldn't it?
Gonna go scream in the woods for a bit, anyone wanna come with?
*trying to keep straight face* I would never wish for anyoneโs death.
*must try harder*
I went in to a pet shop and said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is."
Is there any episode of Black Mirror that would give the AI bros pause before deciding to try and monetize it?
Shatras?
Book early. You're never too young to start reading.
Back in my day, kids didn't listen to Dua Lipa. All we could afford was Mono Lipa!
* smiles enigmatically *
๐
Show about a bitchy detective who goes around picking holes in their colleagues' work: Flaw and Order
I fancy a siesta but I dont want to miss the death ๐๐ฑ๐
Are you ok, they asked. I said yes, because I couldn't say I wanted to set the office on fire. Do you want to set the office on fire, they asked. I said no, because you can't admit to this. But wait, this is ambition too. Sometimes the office needs to burn. Believe in yourself. ~ LinkedIn post
ME: what should i use to row the boat THEM: either oar ME: either or what THEM:
Once a year in Venice, the gondolieri whip out their trouser salami and compare them to see who has the biggest. This event take places on the Bridge Of Size.
Ah, the fun I had explaining that to my Cognitive/Behavioural Therapist.
I have to stop allowing myself to get wound up by viral videos of "words Scottish people can't say". Sure, they could be labelled more honestly as "words one particular slightly thick but good looking Scottish man can't say". He gets likes because he's hot. Nothing more. I have to let it go.
As long as fear and hatred exist, they will always have their avatar. Currently it's that disingenuous, lying, beer-swilling, fag-smoking, brown-toothed, wide-mouthed toad.
I'm very non-scene these days.
Mispronouncing his surname makes Stanley very tucci.
But Mrs Claus loves edging him for as long as possible. (There's a reason he's such a jolly old fellow.)
Good luck to those whose fawning sycophantic loyalty was captured on primetime.
Is it just me, or has nothing ever happened in Vegas?
Phil Collins would know what to sing in this situation.
when you and your partner communicate through sighs thats morose code
Until they go so low that we swap go high for get high just to survive
Evils meets Oh Comeon!
Indiana Jones and the Fucking Audacity of 2025.
๐คฃ
What are the chances?
I know which of those three I want ๐
It seems unfair to entrust me with snacks and then get upset when the snacks go missing. That's like giving a dog the marshmallow test.
He's very appealing
You look quite a lot like my youngest Kiwi nephew in this pic.
How do you know about my huge ๐ญ? I don't post that kind of content on here. ๐๐ฅฐ
rest assured. i have brought all the urine.
I'm delighted that someone has taken a proper scientific approach to understanding the boundaries of this question, and can only apologise that I lacked such rigour.
A caffeine synaesthete? That's a great superpower!
Zoiks! Ok, Scoob!
*phew* I'm ok then
These days, a young fellow playing with his hoop means something very different.
God: what are you doing? Angel: i'm putting the bit in their brains that makes them sneeze when they look at a bright light God: wait, that wasn't in the specs... did you already release them?
revenge is a dish best served cold, but HOW cold? In this paper the thermodynamic properties of revenge...
Gwyneth Paltrow's Goop is used to make her notorious candles. (Or as I like to call them, scandles.)
And my mind is a state
Live like Ninja Turtles? In a sewer being mentored by a rat?
Fighting talk.
*trying to fall asleep My brain: If you're fucking a donkey, but not in the butt, is it still considered ass play?
Nothing says "I luv Engerland" like the flag of a Turkish saint made in a Chinese factory.
You think the story is finally getting juicy when Jesus says โeat meโ, but itโs just more boring shit after that
What a vowel thing to say!
This is my emotional support format joke.
No vegetarian recipes included for fear of lesbians.
Brokeback Mountain: The Musical
That is a very practical solution. Although I appreciate that in the context, you want to avoid solutions.
So easy for that one to slip through the cracks though. Well, crack.
I don't have a hot take for you. Hot sake, on the other hand...
I interpret that beautiful necklace thus: A part of sun broke off Flew upwards And became this radiant beauty
Make a book better by adding Stephen Kingโs to the title: Stephen Kingโs Tiger Who Came To Tea
When I say โmorning!โ Iโm not wishing you a good one. Iโm just acknowledging the sheer horror of its existence.
Grated it can be used to make wonderful savoury tray bakes and muffins.
"I don't think it's fair that words like sugar and air get away with everything, but ones like car and serpent don't" "No, I said words like sugar and air are *uncountable* nouns."
New word! I love it. Not least because it rhymes with drool.
Available from Goop
Ecological reasons.
If you can be destroyed by the truth, you deserve to be destroyed by the truth
Three vodka, two gin, and one dark rum.
Apparently Coleen Rooney is upset at how much money Wayne is spending on OnlyGrans.
The biggest tool of the undersea kingdom is the hammerhead shark.
If someone says you mean the world to me, take a look around, its not a compliment
It's not gruel that you're asking for, though, is it?