Corporation Reaches Goal, Shuts Down https://theonion.com/corporation-reaches-goal-shuts-down-1819566365/
Corporation Reaches Goal, Shuts Down https://theonion.com/corporation-reaches-goal-shuts-down-1819566365/
Spent the day driving around Manchester, New Hampshire, a city for 80-something New Yorkers in deep debt apparently. I was driving alone, something I’m known to do. I saw a woman fleeing domestic violence. I “rendered aid,” vaguely. Minutes or maybe an hour later I was walloped by a Mack truck.
Sombtimes i feel a bitt downinthadump. Butt .. . i am still Positive Attertood Ca'at regardless.
Having a Slinger, which is hash browns under two hamburgers under four (?) eggs under roughly two gallons of chili. Fifteen bucks. I am the Anthony Bourdain of slop and you cannot stop me.
Funny face Uni, always cute :3
Behaviores Report: 90%goode, 5% unauthorized partial noodity, 5% trespaced on tha hellocobber shelve
2D
Good Guy With A Gun Resigns From Office After Failing To Stop 4,859th Mass Shooting
I'm starting to think that this whole feudalism thing mayhaps be a self-protecting system in which the nobles horde wealth and power that is grown by the commons. But mine salary be not to think, aye.
Day 6 of food poisoning. Zero stars. Do not recommend. Hoping I can get into a doc today, 'cause this is legit not as fun as the brochure made it out to be.
I’m sorry, what???
I'm tired of this theater where Donald Trump asks Republicans to do something, they seem to push bank and then cave. The only two factions of the current GOP are proud MAGA and scared MAGA. Anyone who thinks Republicans are acting in good faith is delusional.
Cracker Barrel Follow my work on Substack: nickanderson.substack.com
Death Of Chopped-Up Woman Ruled A Suicide
"You don't need a remote, just install the app and pai-"
Study Finds U.S. Employees Waste 2 Million Hours Annually Spending Time With Friends, Family https://theonion.com/study-finds-u-s-employees-waste-2-million-hours-annual-1850708700/
Apparently Trump just figured out that the Utah court struck down the gerrymandered congressional map and reinstated the citizen-led redistricting reforms. If he subscribed to Democracy Docket he would have learned about this on Monday. Don't make the same mistake sign-up now. hubs.ly/Q03jcjqP0
But are you a good little guy?
my wife Ruby because she is. Beautiful and has gorgeous red eyes
Good on you
Old veddio persented with no commint for tha first time heer on blusky
"Hold on, is it an accident or did you attack [the Nasser hospital] deliberately? You're telling me two different things at the same time."
New shaep just dropt
I was worried they were starting to get it. It doesn’t appear that will happen anytime soon though.
note how Trump on a daily basis is trying to normalize the idea that he's a dictator
Let’s stop calling them ‘medical miracles’, let’s instead call them, SCIENCE. Keep your miracles for your books of fantasy and fairy tales.
Jim Henson Creature Shop exclusive
So lowd hahah!
I did not think it is possible, but they make themselves look more stupid than south park does.
Witkoff: "There's only one thing I wish for: that that Nobel committee finally gets its act together and realizes that you are the single finest candidate since that Nobel award was ever talked about."
Good god he's so fucking dumb
The antiwar president wants to change the Department of Defense’s name to the Department of War. 🤷🏽♂️
Concert outside the White House! #cdnpoli
My current favorite bit of right-wing Christian hypocrisy is Ken Paxton, a man whose wife is divorcing him for adultery, forcing Texas schools to unconstitutionally post "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery." www.houstonchronicle.com/news/houston...
Oh that's fine, Cisco isn't important, hardly anything relies on its technology working correctly at all times without fail cuz only a very small percentage of 85% of the whole internet runs on its systems, it's literally fine, stop panicking and go learn to code
A man, near the White House, who describes himself as a "retired disabled combat veteran," after burning an American flag tells bystanders "I am being detained because I expressed my First Amendment rights."
This article just reminded me of this old tweet
Hell, it's so good for you they should go over the max dosage even. Not sure there's a word for that but maybe they should make one
Hadn't been on TruthSocial for a while. Didn't realize it's a website wholly subsidized by scamming seniors with Ivermectin ads, which Trump fans apparently still think cures all known illnesses.
CIA Announces It Has Obtained The Briefcase
Walz: "It boggles my damn mind that in the midst of a military takeover of our cities, the flaunting of the rule of law, that the press finds the need to talk about, 'Oh, there's a division in the Dem Party.' There's a division in my damn house & we're still married and things are good. That's life"
Pritzker: To the members of the press who are assembled here today and listening across the country, I am asking for your courage to tell it like it is. This is not a time to pretend here that there are two sides to this story.
Thanks, I hate it!
theonion.com/former-japan...
White House Downplays Trump Hand Bruise As Least Concerning Part Of Body https://theonion.com/white-house-downplays-trump-hand-bruise-as-least-concerning-part-of-body/
Do not mistake cruelty and strength. Cruelty is the whip of the weak, desperate to rein those it wishes to control. A cruel groom does not make a good horseman.
Former Japanese Internment Camp Used As Immigrant Detention Center https://theonion.com/former-japanese-internment-camp-used-as-immigrant-detention-center/
1 Onion Subscriber vs 20 Non-Subscribers, on our new series, Encircled. Subscribe at http://membership.theonion.com/totepromo/?campaign=701cx00000IyKhTAAV today and receive a free tote bag.
This guy is the vice president, a venture capitalist, and a Yale Law grad. And completely ignorant about the basics of World War 2. Sheesh.
i hear. Food
loaf in da house
"The Rule of Law in the US Just Took Its Last Breath" With the raid on Bolton's home, and the new investigations against top Democrats, we should be prepared for a new two-tiered system of laws. Rules for everyone else - but not for Trump. Another must-read for Zeteo from @kimwehle.bsky.social
wiggles
As if this week were not bizarre enough: Mount Pleasant residents tell me a group of federal agents gathered for a photo-op near a pro-immigrant banner, pictured below, then tore it down. In its place, they left a dildo. A neighbor's Ring camera captured the whole thing...
The Washington Post just published its latest op-ed lamenting the "outrageously excessive fine" that was imposed on Donald Trump and celebrating it being "thrown out." Democracy died over there. Now we just get to read about its rotting corpse.
Wantu see something else coole?
The lack of self-awareness @gavinnewsom.bsky.social has baited them into is incredible. This is easily the funniest thing Hannity has ever said.
New Law Requires 15% Of Cocaine Received By Child Actors Be Set Aside For Future https://theonion.com/new-law-requires-15-of-cocaine-received-by-child-actors-be-set-aside-for-future/
I'm not right wing but some of this "woke" stuff is a little over the top [6 months later] Slavery was fine. Your city is under martial law
The company running license plate tracking cameras across Colorado has insisted that immigration agents don't have direct access. Flock now says they were wrong. CBP has access. (Using license plate info for immigration enforcement is prohibited by Colorado law) #copolitics
Mark mine words well. I guarantee thee the royal guard and the palace guard will still get a handsome bonus.
hello beeflings. please sign this petition and help the innocent rabbits being abused at this establishment. thank you 🗿 chng.it/ZpNmVpdbxq
Social media should be safe for trans people. Pass it on
In 6 months we have paid for JD Vance and his family to take vacations in: Luxury ski resort in Vermont Greenland The Vatican India Disneyland, California Riviera rafting in Ohio The Cotwolds, England Scotland Imagine if Kamala did this.
Nine out of ten doctors agree, pall malls are the thinking salmon’s cigarette
Holy shit.
you have seven days
"Stroke room" is one of the worst things I've had to read today
Glad you got around to cleaning them
No paywall - this is free for anyone decodingfoxnews.substack.com/p/bonus-podc...
i have been obsessed with the phrase “i don’t deserve flavors” for weeks now
Awe look at him leaning over the desk just so trump can speak into the microphone. Very cute stuff
I don’t think Jeffries refusing to endorse Mamdani hurts Mamdani because he’s running against two Batman villains that everyone hates but it does tell us that they really wish they could hurt him
Gonozo, that stuff is supposed to go IN your mouth
Hydrashun can git a bitt messy
FOX REPORTER: “The way it felt in the room was not good. It did not seem like things went well. It seemed like Putin came in and steamrolled, got right into what he wanted to say, got his photo next to the president, then left.”
8/8 - Hannity - Trump will get the Nobel Peace Prize. (🤫Don't mention what he wants to do with Gaza or the National Guard in the U.S.) He ended SIX wars. They were big. So big! He did not overpromise on this summit. Flyover jets! Message loud and clear!
US army rolling the red carpet to murderer’s plane. I will never forget this image.
Foreshadowing his eventual rise as the world's strongest cat
When Uni was a kitten
I’ll be the best boss ever! :3
Release the Epstein files.
Historians agree that the real Pandora’s Box was actually a basket of grumpy kittens. Postcard from my collection, mailed 1904.
But what if it's stale? You could take an eye out!
this guy is savage
😳
Keep tossing out insults, one will stick eventually
Sen. Judith Zaffirini and state Sen. Juan “Chuy” Hinojosa – stayed in the chamber, giving Republicans a quorum to move forward with the vote. WTH??? What is wrong with Dems???
Jesse Watters terrorizes his toddler-aged daughter with fake stories about a neighbor with a dog that bites. This is a child he had with his former producer at Fox - the woman he let the air out of her tires so she would go out with him. Father of the year.
Awe the lil baby supports genocide?
Behaviores Report: 80%goode, 5% trespaced on hellocobber shelve, 10% knockt SO MANNY ThENGS off of tabbil, 5% got my tale in Dades spagbetty
adult human man said i am Obeast
Even when he’s trying to be intimidating, Uni's just cute
I really and truly need people to understand that a chatbot does not and cannot know anything. Like, I need them to understand that in their bones. It is very good at looking like it knows something, but it does not and cannot know anything.