big announcement from President Vance at 2pm EST
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big announcement from President Vance at 2pm EST
(Fred Schneider voice) i wanna fuck you like an ANIMAL
i hope he heard everybody on Earth praying for his death last night
the Necco Wafers tattoo gave it away
i'm a donor
leaving now to make it to Santa Monica by 8
Sbarro in the streets, diarrhea in the sheets
no recording or streaming unfortch, mostly because i'm doing an exposé of Disney's HR department with all Beatles songs
i signed an NDA
tomorrow night in Santa Monica
i tear up when i hear Spock doing the "Space... the final frontier" monologue
great thread
no i did
it's actually just pee
Tom can i see you in my office please
quick get MAD TV back on the air so i can pitch Abbott and Costello Meet the Human Centipede
he knows what he did
(opens envelope) welp looks like i'm best man at their wedding
what's your favorite Police album? i'll start!
CELEBRITY SIGHTING! Art of Noise using the Coinstar at Albertsons
how about you go fuck yourself, how about that
good cat
the Severance theme in the style of Vince Guaraldi
i'm telling a showbiz horror story at The Crow in Santa Monica this Friday the 29th if you're into that sort of thing
we watched The Wrath of Khan with my Star Trek-loving 12yo last night, he tried to be all cool when Spock died but he was pretty upset and my wife who had never seen it was genuinely shocked
If someone put a gun to my head and asked me to name my favorite song I would be like, Okay, okay, let's be cool here, let's lower the gun, we're just talking here, easy, easy, you don't need that, man; look at me, look at me, this is crazy, come on, think about this, we can fix this, it's all right
me: i'm trying to stay positive doctor: then i have some good news
don't forget "Bags Of Fun With Buster", a tribute to Buster Gonad from VIZ Comics with Andy Partridge, Dave Gregory and John Otway performing as Johnny Japes and His Jesticles
how many times did Luke shit in his spacesuit when he was flying to Dagobah
your football name is duh + your name
BREAKING: Golden Corral getting rid of glory holes
your knighthood name is Sir + your porn name i'll start! Sir Jilly “The Oboe” Cocksmith
Captain Kirk surrender your garbage or your ship will be destroyed
“still punk as fuck” i whisper as i play Everlong on the Dave & Buster’s jukebox at my boss’s birthday party
may i suggest Detroiters
you mean to tell me the superintelligence that doesn't know how many fingers i have is full of shit
well, there's nothing in the rule book
i'm all about Goat Girl
if it makes Radiohead feel any better i'm also sick of Creep
BlueChewth lets me connect my erection to my car stereo
guy at the DMV genuinely surprised he's not allowed to drink a White Claw inside AT 10:15 AM
i call him "Mango Mussolini", it's the name i came up with for him so i don't have to say his actual name which is "Drumpf"! you can call him "Mango Mussolini" too if you want
Joni can i see you in my office please
today’s Google Doodle is the face on my cellar floor right over the cistern that comes back more and more agonized every time i try to scrub it away
when all you have is a Hammer every problem looks like parachute pants
Killing me Larry with his song Killing me Larry with his song Selling a mattress with his words Killing me Larry with his song
great job, great jokes!
this is really funny
"KNEEL BEFORE ZOD EXCEPT AFTER C" -- Eli Braden
Jeffrey Entertainment Pstein
Tickets selling great for the Richmond VA show! Tickets are selling great for all of the shows except the ones that haven’t sold a single ticket. Please help spread the word and tell your friends about my solo shows. Really appreciate it! Tickets in bio.
art thread
jet fuel can’t melt steel beams but it CAN melt fudge, proving my theory that the World Trade Centers were made of fudge
If it doesn't get all over the place it doesn't belong in your face®
yeah, i like HBO Honey Bunches of Oats
If life gives you lemons, you have been elemonaded
poor country mouse
honey, are you okay? you’ve hardly touched my penis
SORRY WE MISSED YOU! We will re-attempt to come for the Socialists tomorrow between 10AM-4PM
slightly diminish a band: Frankie Goes To Schenectady
hey i met a long-term girlfriend at an opening weekend screening of Howard the Duck and i'm perfectly single gunshot
jesus christ can't i read one fucking article about the Yodely Guy from The Price Is Right without getting bummed out
the Atari 2600 was great but it had its pitfalls
wow!
good cat
i'm having difficulty connecting Ring 14 to the Bluetooth in my Camry, is there a troubleshooting link on your website
your scientists were so preoccupied with who was on first, they didn't stop to think why was on first
thank you Nichole
rich people need money because without money they're just people
i recognized a bunch but didn't know their names, i do know i was there with a guy named PAUL F. TOMPKINS
i saw him at Musso & Frank sitting at a table with a bunch of old character actors and was legit starstruck
not going anywhere for a while?
i'm doing FUNCHADELIC with Ron Funches at the Hollywood Improv Lab this Sunday at 7 if you're into that sort of thing
Red Skelton's real name: Blue Skelton
some international cats
thank you Nichole!
🎶 would you know my name / if i saw you in Gelson's 🎶
i don't know who needs to hear this but this is the theme to Garry's show / the theme to Garry's show / Garry called me up and asked if i would write his theme song / i'm almost halfway finished / how do you like it so far / how do you like the theme to Garry's show
Hollywood Presbyterian Hospital asked me to rate it on Yelp so i gave it a Fully Erect
this show is always fun
sending Black Death a muffin basket
Dexter remembers when his victims were all trees #DexterTheRetiredYears
"Look on my Works, ye Mighty, and despair!" -- Pauly Shore
i opened an envelope that said TIME SENSITIVE MATERIAL and it was just a gallon of milk
i have Blaine "Begin Italics" Capiche on my Sears card
i am on this show
all these people trying to teach me how to greet aliens are really Martian my hello
ANNOUNCING: A post about a new solo tour that will get very few likes! linktr.ee/splitsingle
wow this didn't age well
the first time i watched Star Trek with my 6-year-old he said the USS Enterprise was covered in "ghost oil" and i was like um those are deflector shields dipshit
my "there is no poop fairy" sign has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shit
he also shot a guy in the head
was that a quake or one of my cats taking a header into the coffee table
20th century man can't handle 21st century
crossing these hats off my... ...hat list
i'm here to help
why is it called the Subway website and not the URL of Sandwich
hey maybe you can't find women who want to have sex with you because you're an unfuckable dork