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This Labor Day, let’s salute the American who works harder than anyone — the person in charge of squeezing Trump’s ankles into his shoes
And Blur will pay for it
Instead of posting the Ten Commandments in public places let’s post the 25th Amendment
Trump is claiming he got Noel and Liam back together and deserves the Nobel
Lettuce not do that
That was the voters’ failure
They would all be banned in the fine print
Since men have done such a shit job of running this country for the first 250 years, I suggest letting women run it for the next 250 years. At the end of their tenure we can decide who’s better at this.
Big props to whoever came up with the idea of calling Trump “Metamucilini”
Joni Ernst Retires: ‘It’s Time to Pass the Torch to a New Generation of Morons’
Trump is using makeup to cover the bruise on his hand caused by an IV drip. Question for you: what is in the drip?
Please share widely
“We’re certainly not going to accept a character reference from Ghislaine.”
Warning: this post contains useful information.
The White House was plunged into chaos after receiving over seven thousand notes from guardsmen’s podiatrists.
The incredible feat has landed the former socialite in the Guinness Book of World Records.
Republican Nancy Mace’s campaign for SC Governor was humiliated when only 8 people showed up for her speech. To put that in context, the people in the audience were outnumbered by the voices in her head
National Guard Refuses to Go to Chicago, Citing Bone Spurs
The only thing the Ghislaine tapes prove is that sex offenders stick together
I was skeptical about Ghislaine’s testimony, but if Laura Loomer believes it it’s gotta be true
I’m capable of multitasking
The one part of Ghislaine's transcript that seemed fishy to me was when she said "If Jerome Powell doesn't cut interest rates he's a TOTAL LOSER. Thank you for your attention to this matter"
“Pam said there’s a client list, and Ghislaine said there isn't. So I have decided Ghislaine would be better at this job than Pam."
If John Bolton is keeping classified documents in his home office he must be severely punished. As everyone knows, the only appropriate place to store such material is in the bathroom
Really the simplest way to get the Epstein files released is to somehow get them to Hegseth
“It’s the stuff of nightmares.”
Trump Demands Smithsonian Remove Exhibit Claiming That People Died on Titanic
If Trump thinks slavery was so great I’ve got some cotton I’d like him to pick
I did not make this up: in the Oval Office on Monday, Trump bragged about ending a war in "The Republic of Condo." I was not aware that this country existed, but to honor it I am posting this flag. #LongLiveCondo
National Guardsmen Surround Mentally Disturbed Man in DC
“The Ukrainian people ask you to stand strong with them, just as you have stood strong in your refusal to release the Epstein files.”
Blasting the Nobel committee for including the question, Trump reportedly hurled a bottle of ketchup against a wall of the Oval Office, narrowly missing Stephen Miller’s head.
I approve this message
“I had a good run,” the former governor said.
Now he has cards
Zelenskyy Brings Epstein Files to White House Meeting
Ukraine, if you’re listening, please hack into the Epstein Files
Apparently Little Marco has borrowed his approach to security from Whiskey Pete Hegseth
Putin Names Trump Employee of the Month
Trump Agrees to Peace Plan with Putin
Now that his summit with Putin is a bust, could the media please stop calling Trump a master dealmaker? The only deal he’s made this entire presidency was with Ghislaine Maxwell
I sincerely hope Jeanine Pirro was drunk when she chose this outfit
Sarah Palin No Longer Dumbest Person to Set Foot in Alaska
“We’re afraid that the Russian will trick him into signing something away,” an associate of the geriatric man said.
Everything I write is true
The city’s residents accused Republicans of participating in an “unprecedented crime wave.”
An explanation of Trump’s DC takeover: though crime in the city is at a 30-year low, interest in the Epstein Files is at a 30-year high
“Get a bunch of those squeaky old tanks rolling down the streets and you won’t see anyone for miles.”
If Trump really wants the streets of DC to be empty he should throw himself another birthday parade
“Florida should be on the table,” Zelenskyy said. “With Florida, you have cards.”
Easy fix to DC’s homeless problem: spend $200 million on affordable housing instead of on a White House ballroom fit for a mafioso
It’s not really necessary to mock Kristi Noem since South Park has already done such a good job of it, but here’s the actual anti-drug slogan she approved when she was Governor of South Dakota
Instead of hunting down fugitive Texas Democrats, the FBI should find out what happened to the Epstein Files - they were on Pam’s desk a minute ago
Fortunately, boycotting any recent movies or TV shows starring Dean Cain won’t be too tough
Dean Cain, who played Superman, is joining ICE. So it turns out his secret identity was an asshole
Mexico: “No thanks.”
He’s stupider than you thought.
“Democrats could be anywhere. They could be in your town. They could be hiding under your bed. More likely, they are at a farmer’s market, selecting artisanal pickles.”
“The American economy added a million new jobs in May and a billion new jobs in June,” Santos declared.
Hey Trump: shitty job numbers aren’t what’s hurting you politically—your shitty job performance is #youfucker
Me too
When Americans are out of work because of Trump’s policies, when they can’t buy produce because he deported farm workers, and when they can’t afford coffee because of his political vendetta against Brazil, it really won’t matter if he forces the government to issue fake economic statistics
Molly Ivins's quote about Dan Quayle applies equally well to Trump: “If you put that man’s brain in a bumblebee, it would fly backwards.”
Clearly Trump wants Sesame Street gone so people won’t learn how to understand shitty job numbers
Sorry, DJT, but even if you start a nuclear war we’re still gonna want to see the Epstein files #youfucker
Massive celebrations erupted across Scotland on Wednesday to celebrate what Scots called “the glorious departure of Donald Trump.”
Wonder how Jake Tapper’s next book is coming along
Not sure we need the Epstein Files when Trump helpfully gives more evidence of his guilt every day
If you find it unsettling that Trump is now saying Epstein “stole” a young woman from him as if she were a piece of property, you are having the reaction that anyone with a shred of humanity would have
So what?
The newest chapter in the debasement of the American media.
Not if you look at history.
Not funny, but true: All tyrants eventually fall. But after that happens, the people and institutions that bowed down to them will never regain their reputations.
Just so I've got this straight, Trump brags about grabbing women's genitals but vehemently denies drawing them
If you’re wondering what Ghislaine’s chances are at the Supreme Court, I predict Trump will nominate her and, after much public hand-wringing, Susan Collins will vote to confirm
“JD wasn’t thrilled about it, quite frankly,” Trump told reporters. “He was crying like a dog.”
Kate Manne has the receipts. Please read and share this incredible piece of work.
I like the way the Scottish are greeting Trump. If only The NY Times would adopt this bluntness
It’ll be fun watching David Ellison, prominent member of the lucky sperm club, run Paramount/CBS into the ground. Maybe his lord and master Donald Trumpstein can give him tips on declaring bankruptcy
Colbert’s last 10 months on CBS will be the longest 10 months of Trump’s life
Sing along with me: “It’s beginning to feel a lot like Watergate…”
“An arts center should not be named after someone who finds blood-red Christmas trees aesthetically pleasing.”
Time's up #youfucker
Detailing plans for his undergraduate career at Harvard, Trump said, “I will major in art.”
I would like to rename the Kennedy Center the Release The Epstein Files Center You Fucker Who’s with me?
Seconded
House Republicans want to rename the Kennedy Center after Melania. I hereby retire from satire
Early adopter! Kudos
We need to refer to Trump and Epstein as Trumpstein. They’re a couple, like Bennifer (h/t to Dean Obeidallah) #Trumpstein
Republicans may not believe in protecting the poor, the elderly, and the sick, but they are doing their damnest to protect pedophiles
“To be honest, I wanted to come up with some kind of crazy AI video to respond to his, but I’m no good with all of that tech stuff,” Obama said.
I would like a deluxe leatherbound edition of the Epstein Files complete with Lee Greenwood lyrics
Well, Hitler wanted to be an artist but was thwarted. So this tracks
The complete collection: www.borowitzreport.com/p/the-sharpi...
BREAKING: Despite Trump’s claim that he doesn’t “write” pictures, I’ve obtained a secret trove of original drawings by him. Behold “Nude in Bath with Bribes.”
BREAKING: FBI agents have been instructed to comb the Epstein files, flag every mention of Donald Trump, and insert the word "Jr." after each one