Welcome to your 50s. No one knows how, but you’ve screenshot your home screen three times today. Again.
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Welcome to your 50s. No one knows how, but you’ve screenshot your home screen three times today. Again.
i know the earth isnt flat because no company is trying to sell me a trip to see the edge of it
Fellow olds reveal yourselves
*Pat Benetar voice*
I’m stealing that
there’s been a tuft of cat hair stuck in a spiderweb for like a month that startles me when it moves. i always thinks it’s a big spider coming to get me. someone should probably clean it
🎵 Roxanne You don’t have to drink that Coors Light
did you know you can crush eggshells to make plant food or that you can set yourself on fire
I can't sit for too long cuz of my back
I saved 15% or more by grocery shopping without my kids
Got lost in the ass there for a minute
Ok that’s good
Fixed it
“I bought thish on vinyl at Tower Recordsh way back in-“ *slips and is impaled on my own cane*
I'll straight up shop at a convention center and convene at a shopping center. I really don't give a shit anymore.
I only respond to my Burning Man name at Burning Man
Now do “Confucius say he who fart in church sit in own pew.”
My retirement plan is dying and my funeral plan is to tell the family not to claim my body. Follow me for more money saving tips
i call my boyfriends “contempt” & “board” cuz sometimes im beneath contempt & other times im above board heyoooooooo
The Scissors of Gibraltar, rusted and collecting barnacles on the floor of the Mediterranean
when it comes to dutch ovens, it's not the crime, it's the cover-up
How you doing, homie?
Never made the Sigue Sigue Sputnik connection- that could be a contributor!
You don’t skeet about pants like everyone else
FOY-er is perfectly acceptable!
Seeg for me. League, segue…
Guilty. Also segue was seeg. Even though I heard people using it correctly, I didn’t connect the dots.
The custody hearing was going great until my puppet started masturbating
robert plant at the grand canyon: BEEN A LONG LONELY LONELY LONELY lonely lonely lonely lonely ˡᵒⁿᵉˡʸ ˡᵒⁿᵉˡʸ ˡᵒⁿᵉˡʸ ˡᵒⁿᵉˡʸ ˡᵒⁿᵉˡʸ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
My greatest fear is that Medusa will walk in on me jacking off.
Chasing down the car that was next to me at the red-light so I can scream I was scratching my nose. I WASN'T PICKING MY NOSE.
*peering through binoculars from my foxhole* jesus this army of masturbators just keeps coming
Psych? Oh
That’s what he/she/they said
I’m commissioning Deeny to draw you two getting a room
Saw the vent. Why do ppl suck so bad? 🫂
just saw bigfoot walking kinda quickly through a field; he shrugged at me and said "eh, it's a living!" No idea how he profits from this.
This precious scene belongs in a movie
when people ask me to be serious I like to tell them about when I was 13 and my parents were fighting at the dinner table and I broke the tension by loudly stating "VAS DEFERENS"
imagine bill nye the science guy trying to fuck you. that’s happened to at least a couple of people.
Something about Simon & Garfunkel's Scarborough Fair brings out my inner stripper
I've started calling men's underwear "panties" and it's been a real mood booster
standing on our balcony yelling down to each boy and asking him “what news”
Was gonna say: it’s not perfect since the CC company will cancel the card (which sucks), but if their customer svc is worth a damn they will agree to contact the card owner and share your info
For sale: baby shoes that fit. Never corns
Named my newest dildo Congress
All good…except for the prick not yet being strung up in the public square
I’m taking credit for what you did last summer
I shall be telling this with a sigh Somewhere ages and ages hence: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I— I took the one with two squirrels doin' it, And that has made all the difference.
Looks like I gotta crank the bidet up to the enema setting again
comedy central style roast for democracy
all words are dirty words if you have the right mindset
Me? What am I doing? Oh just breaking in my work gloves by wearing them around the house and eating a donut
I have that second poplar image saved, but didn’t know who it was. Thanks!
You honor her. 🫂
It’s another Jason Statham vehicle, isn’t it
That’s for lounging on when you’re done peeing
I'll bear it but I won't grin.
my auto mechanic: *words, car thingy words, other words, $895, stroke absorber or something idk, more words* me, master negotiator: ok
Nothing could have prepared me for the joy of having the exact right size container for some leftovers
*seductively deposits $3.47 in loose change into chequing account
Ok but what about your fiances
My favorite thing to say back when I was a shoe salesman was, "Let's get it on.".
farting when you poop > pooping when you fart
Ok so Taylor Swift is like this really big singer, like way big? and the dude who is now her fiancé is like a champion athlete with a podcast
ngl a seven Nathan army could hold me back, hell four or five Nathans could probably just wait in the car, let's get this over with, Nates
(leftover salsa exerting 500 standard atmospheres within plastic container) is that good
hate it when i’m reclining nude beside a secluded river and the local villagers start washing their clothes on my abs
the ‘c’ in indictment should be arrested for loitering
Peter Pan used to fly and fight pirates. Now he just runs a peanut butter empire with dead eyes.
I shoulda checked quote posts before replying just now 🤦🏻
♫ Well you can tell by the way I park my truck I ain’t a woman’s man Worst kinda fuck
a dude is coming over for dinner tonight, i hope he likes pussy
Hear me out, plan canceling headphones
Me [strutting into the casino]: Get ready, ya boy is about to CLEAN UP! *goes to janitor closet to clock in*
Omg I have gas so bad I fear it might effect the weather
I accidentally wrote amitight instead of amiright on a skeet and now we wait
*sings Wicked Game to a Costco sheet cake
For sale: middle-aged man's rollerblades, never worn.
PICARD: These “Borg” are a curious blend of organic and machine, a culture so sublimated to its own technology that the line between natural life and technological facsimile is porous and thin. RIKER: (nude in the holodeck) it’s insane they let us nut in the computer
"Don't you forget about me!" - some guy from the 80's
A jury of my peers? TWELVE murderers?!
They’re gone but hear my idea: side pockets on the *inner thigh* instead
Everything happens for a reason and sometimes that reason is that you're a horrible person
(aborted manager in heaven) I would have loved to touch base with you…
wendy's cashier: will that be all? me: i think so. we just close our eyes for the last time and we're gone. but it doesn't have to be sad. it's like before you were born. we don't miss those who haven't happened yet. we don't feel their absence wendy's cashier: mothers do. i do
Remember if you’re feeling pent up these days: there are no rules for sneezing. Make em as crazy as you want. Throw your body around, stomp on the floor. Punch your boss in the kidney. No one can stop you.
I took my budget and divided by the number of hours in 2 weeks then divided by 60 minutes to see how must it costs to exist per minute and my result is: don't do that.
i put my pants on like everyone else: my pants are very popular
Your honor, I was at Costco
Died too young!
Vomit feather tucked behind the ear
More like Pita Money Pit!! Haha gotem
COP: Tell it to the judge. ME: *to judge* I saw a bird today
Oh you’re breaking into my toy store? F Around and find Out Schwarz
I’m here to do two things- take names and kick butt and I’m all done kicking butt what is your name
Personally, i like to think my brain on drugs would add a little salsa