We've got Fesshole LIVE on the 10th in East Anglia - do come. Other dates available include Liverpool, Worthing and Leeds. sites.google.com/view/fesshole
Confess your sins anonymously - will the internet absolve you? Buy show tickets 2025: https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole Add confession https://bit.ly/addfess Buy book https://amzn.to/40ySjVn Sponsored by hebtro.co, Run @robmanuelyeah.bsky.social
96,688 followers 3 following 10,820 posts
view profile on Bluesky
We've got Fesshole LIVE on the 10th in East Anglia - do come. Other dates available include Liverpool, Worthing and Leeds. sites.google.com/view/fesshole
Friend of ours went missing. Found safe and well but, the family used the worst picture of him on the local police SM and local paper. Now I've made sure my family has access to some decent photos of me incase I ever get kidnapped, killed, go missing or die in a tragic accident.
Commercial pilot here, the days are long and boring, and it's not unheard of for us to dose off mid flight, more than once I've awoken to find my copilot also asleep.
I ordered a single black pen from an office supply store. It turned up hand-delivered the next morning in an absurdly large box, nestled in inflatable packing for one single pen. I now order one per week. The courier has to be onto me by now but I can't stop.
Made redundant from Argos in January but my online staff discount hasn't been removed from my account. Used it to save £4 yesterday and now shitting myself I'll be done for fraud.
While dishing out a helping of a golden shower, I was informed that I should get tested for diabetes. The recipient was a nurse who detected a very sweet taste.
I never wash salad leaves and never have. I've made it to my late 50s never having done so and don't see why I should start now.
Graduated in Zoology & wanted to work in endangered species conservation. Landed a fantastic job with a cheetah programme in Mozambique but it's not quite what I thought it would be as I have to wank off 2-3 cheetahs a day & safely store the spunk in separate labelled containers.
1993, 15 y/o me has my first date with a girl from school. My older brother and his mate told me lads had to wear a condom on the date "just in case something happens". Because I couldn't just google it, I believed them. They still laugh about it today.
I am good at my job, yet constantly overlooked for promotion as I'm not young. I'm about to hand in my notice and will take multiple clients with me, enough to put the current company in serious financial difficulty. Fuck 'em, should appreciate what they have.
I run a shop. I didn't process a single cash transaction for 3 weeks and did under 20 for the whole year. So I decided to go electronic only as it's so much cheaper. Suddenly everyone's up in arms. Maybe if they actually used cash they could complain. But they don't.
Been missing nicotine since quitting in April, so been sadly finding myself smoking some half-smoked cigs off the ground while on walks. One yesterday turned out to have weed in it. Had a fantastic time.
As a kid I refused to let my mum use Savlon antiseptic cream on a cut because it sounded to much like Servalan the bad lady from Blake's 7 and I didn't trust it.
At the age of 14 I mastered the penis windmill believing it would be a valuable seduction aid. A few years later I discovered it was not
Have you confessed on Fesshole yet? Go here to admit your sin: https://bit.ly/addfess
I worked at a stadium and had the keys to all the kiosks. The lads who worked matchdays used to steal cash by sliding notes above the cash drawer but often couldn't retrieve all of it. I'd go the next day with a piece of wire and fish them out.
I hate stag weekends. Not been on one yet but organised fun is always painful. So when told to bring a passport to a stag event I was delighted when the organiser hadn't checked whether I needed a visa. Non-UK passport FTW. I took the train home from the ferry port.
Bought an old BMW. After a while it developed problems that I couldn't afford to fix. It was a hazard to drive so I left it parked on the drive. Months later, three lads turned up to rob it. Heard them the whole time but left them to it. Insurance paid out & I got my money back
FESSHOLE LIVE - COME TO THE SHOWS Diss (Norfolk/East Anglia) - The Corn Hall - 10th Sep 2025 - next week Worthing (West Sussex) - The Factory Live - 15th Oct 2025 Liverpool - Hot Water Comedy - 12th Nov 2025 Leeds - The Old Woolen - 4th Mar 2026 sites.google.com/view/fesshole
My wife will be suspicious if I suddenly get a VPN; been tossing off to Google Image stills and underwear catalogues like it was the 90s again
When my partner asks me to put a wash in the machine I make sure its predominantly my own stuff out of the basket. I'll put a few token items of theirs in so they don't realise.
When loading up the washing onto the rotary clothes line, I stand still and turn it round - arching my back to avoid the corners like I'm avoiding bullets in The Matrix
I always shower before having a bath. The wife thinks it weird, but who want to stew away in dirty water
I used to work for a company who made the mini pretzels you get free on flights. When packing them, I used to crush the lid of the box down really hard to crush them, because they're going on holiday and I'm not. They can be sad with crushed pretzels
As excited as I am to go on holiday with my family, sometimes I wish I just book something 5* all inclusive only for me. Otherwise it's just parenting and housework elsewhere with more resentment than usual because you don't get a proper break yourself.
Still reeling from divorce I drank too much at a neighbours bbq and ended up wanking off someone I can only remember as having blondish hair and smelling nice in their garage. There are 3 main suspects. I hope it wasn't the man with the withered arm.
When there's folk walking slowly and blocking the path, I gently scuff my shoe to alert them. The scuffs get louder and more insistent if they don't move. I've worn through pairs of shoes this way, but only the right one as I've fallen trying to do it with the left.
Bored in lockdown, Created a fake female attractive Facebook account. Joined a few dating Facebook pages. Blokes who initiated messages with dick pics whilst their profile picture was with their wife or GF would get screenshots of their messages same to their spouse or parents.
I once dropped my laptop and smashed the screen while having a wank. I left it in the back of the house and some thief came in through the unlocked back door and nicked it. They got a broken MacBook and I got an insurance payout for the loss. Masturbation karma.
I recently interviewed a minor celebrity. Five mins before the meeting I got piss all over my linen trousers. I couldn't make it to a loo in time. So I turned up wearing my trousers the wrong way round - hoping he wouldn't notice the wet arse.
My girlfriends family think I'm being kind letting my 10 year old nephew beat me at chess. The truth is I'm trying my hardest and i actually can't beat him.
Every day at work, millenials call the # symbol "hashtag" and if I could reach through the phone and strangle them, I would
Confession time is now. Fill out the form: https://bit.ly/addfess
Waiting for a bus and a young man skipped in front of me in the queue to get on. As he got off I seen he had left his wallet on the seat if he hadn't of skipped I would have told him but it felt like karma so I didn't say a word.
A good parent of adult children loves and welcomes whomever their son or daughter selects as a spouse. But no one talks about how hard it is to lose a son-in-law or daughter-in-law if they break up. It's a quiet, painful grief I don't want to experience again.
My partner complained that my breath smelled bad. I've now stopped stealing the dog's treats. But they are so very savoury.
Despite 9 years of loyalty & going above & beyond, the company made me redundant. Didn't take long for them to realise this was a mistake as I'm the only person who knows how to fix problems with their in-house systems. I now charge them £300 an hour to go in and fix their shit.
Bought a ground floor flat in Plymouth in 2009. Very quickly got sick of the same two people sitting on my window ledge at lunch. So I painted it, waited for them to sit and propped a note on the window quietly.
My cat kept opening cupboards and ripping open food packets while I was at work. So I installed CCTV in the kitchen with a speaker so I can tell her her to stop from my desk at work. After 12 days she learned to knock the camera away first so I couldn't see. Clever girl.
Recently moved house with the help of my dad, as he carried a tower of plastic tubs to his car I remembered my vibrator was in one. Drove behind him whole way to new house praying all of the items piled on top didn't set it off in transit. If he saw it - he didn't let on.
When my sons were babies, I'd hum the lullaby from Pan's Labyrinth to get them to sleep. They're 12 and 15 now, so only a few more years to go until I can suggest we watch it, and I can't wait to see if my psychological long game has a payoff.
Went out four times with a man. Slept with him twice. But hadn't shared a meal as our dates were just drinks. After I saw him eat, I had to break it off. He hunched over the table and shoveled an entire plate of pasta into his mouth in 90 seconds. It was gross to witness.
My wife broke her arm cycling. She asked me to help her with her markup tonight. I agreed and asked for her guidance. And now I know that the proper word is foundation and not grout.
I listened to a lot of Slayer while I was pregnant. Baby now has a schedule but won't go to sleep until she's heard Raining Blood.
I was 30 miles from home when I realised there was a bee stuck in the car. I felt strangely guilty and drove all the way back home to let her out so she didn't get stranded with no hive.
Kept reading fesses about hotel stays and people still being signed into online streaming accounts. Took fam away for last two days and sure enough, Prime was still signed in by previous guest. Selected a film and it charged the account £3. Cheers Paul.
My old boss wouldn't give me a reference because I reported illegal activity to the General Pharmaceutical Council. Created a domain of his holding company name, added an email address via Google workspace, and did my own. Cost me £28 for a year. Bonus.
If an attractive woman is friendly or chatty to me, I assume that she fancies me. That is, until I remember that I'm a fat, bald, middle aged, deluded arsehole.
I regularly fake having a cold, so that my partner doesn't get suspicious of the regular piles of tissues in my study bin.
Got something to admit? Head here to fess up: https://bit.ly/addfess
I like nothing more than guzzling a glass of water while simultaneously urinating and looking in the bathroom mirror. I call it the garden fountain
Mum asked for my best memory from a family holiday. Said it was visiting the pyramids. I lied. It was buying a packet of Refreshers in the Lake District and they were all red.
I'm in a job where I spend a lot of time in other people's conference rooms. If they're cunts I leave a couple of permanent markers in their whiteboard tray.
I used to teach. Every year, when we received our new registers of year 7 kids, a few colleagues and I would try to guess who would be the worst behaved in each class based solely on first name. I'd say our success rate was somewhere between 80% and 90%.
I grew up in the countryside. When I was about 7 I chased one particular sheep around the field out the back of my house for so long it eventually collapsed. I totally panicked and ran off. No idea if it was OK or had a heart attack or what. Sorry Mrs Sheep, hope you didn't die
When I was a child I thought a wet dream was basically a nightmare. Now I can understand why people were confused when I told them I had a wet dream that my goldfish had died
My sister was getting serious with her boyfriend and I was asked quietly by my father to vet him. Decided the best way to get to know him was to drop some MDMA with him on a night out. Passed with flying colours. They're getting married next week & I get a sesh buddy, win/win
A parrot was in my garden that must have escaped, so i put seeds out. It ate them & came back for more bringing me a tin can lid. Every time it came back it brought me a shiny gift, which was usually junk, that was until it brought me a gold bracelet which I got valued at £3k
My wife thinks she looks after our houseplants adequately and tells me not to water them. I don't think she waters them enough and that's why they look unhealthy or die. So I started watering them extra in secret, and they look so much better, it's amazing.
If I get a dodgy shopping trolley which is inclined to roll to the left or right, I give it a persons name in relation to their political leaning and speak to it as if speaking to the person. The trolley this week was Corbyn, last week was Katie Hopkins. Very different opinions.
Used to work in a Dancewear shop. An odd man tried leggings on without underwear and left a pubic hair in them. I later sold them on the another customer who had been extremely rude to all staff. I'd do it again. Be nice to your server.
My nose, when slightly congested, makes a sound like an iPhone vibrating with a silent notification. My wife and I would check our phones until I realised. I have now mastered the skill and do it in any quiet room. Sorry but it's just funny to have people pull out their mobiles.
In the shower I have always washed myself with a giant car washing sponge. I have no idea if this is normal or not. Secretly I hope it isn't normal and is my own little hack. It makes so many bubbles that I can't imagine anyone not doing it.
Out with friends all 6 foot plus gym freaks. A pretty girl beelines for me. Im 5 10; and chubby. She said "all these men are boring, you look like you enjoy yourself and take life easy" and rubs my belly. I got chubby chased, I'm now on a diet.
Before I let my daughter drive a car on her own, I made sure she knew how to change a wheel. She was great, jacked the car up, and removed a wheel. Unfortunately, dumb dad didn't remember her car doesn't have a spare wheel.
IT Guy. Added a jpg pic of my cat Toby to the corporate Windows image used to deploy 1000s of desktops globally. Renamed & and hid it in an obscure folder. He would've still been there on everyone's machine years later until they updated the security stack or migrated to a new OS
Let it out at Fesshole. Go to this link and type your horrible sins: https://bit.ly/addfess
Got lean and toned hoping to get the attention of all the mums on the school run but all its done is attract all the gay men at work, but at least the flirting is fun.
Council only does black bin collections every three weeks. We have more rubbish than that. So, I bought a second black wheelie bin. £60 online. Painted on our house number, but added "a", e.g. 42a, put them both out for collection each time. Works a charm.
My ex girlfriend always used to wear a "jingly" bracelet, which used to jingle when she gave me a handjob. Now every time I hear something jingling, it reminds me of getting wanked off by her. Dogs collar. Sets of keys. Sleigh bells.
I was pleasantly surprised to see my favourite school teacher for the first time in over 20 years. Just didn't expect it to be when I was caught short having a dump behind the sand dunes and she was walking her dog.
I work for a major hotel chain, on duty for the breakfast buffet. When gluttony is licensed in this way you see the worst of humanity. I've seen volumes of bacon consumed that should not be medically possible.
I'm getting divorced because my ex cheated. I found one and a half Viagra in his blazer pocket and he's still trying to deny it. The half gave the game away
My daughter uses our house to work from, from time to time. She always has problems logging into the WiFi and so asks for the password. I could tell her it's on the back of the hub but I like the conversation that we then have too much to lose that.
I used to visit a spa in Brighton that was notorious for swinging and being a sex club. One day I spotted my best friends mum being taken to one of the orgy rooms with 4 other men, who were all at full mast. We made awkward eye contact and didn't say word. I never did tell him.
Completely fucks me off that everyone I can think of in my year at school appears to be achieving more than me career wise. I'm on £48k. I just want to find one person that's in prison or on the streets
"Whose cock have I got to suck to get a pint around here?" I muttered in exasperation whilst waiting to order at a crowded pub. Turns out it was the assistant manager - I get priority service every time now.
Throughout the whole summer I sleep outside on my own, either on a sun lounger or if it's raining under a gazebo. My wife has told me not to tell anyone as she thinks it's odd, but there is no better feeling than falling asleep under the stars and waking up to birds singing
Decided to have a tidy up downstairs because I thought I might get lucky on a date. Set the clippers wrong and first pass took off far too much. I had a reverse mohawk in my pubes. Had to carry on with it. Looked like a plucked chicken by the end. Didn't get lucky either.
Bartender here. If you look young enough to be asked for ID, my eyesight is so bad I have no idea where your date of birth is or if your ID is yours but there's no way I'm going to make myself look even more ancient but putting my glasses on in front of the fresh faced fuckers.
One Christmas party I was so drunk that I must have blacked out as I have no memory after a certain point. Next day at work there was a weird silence so I just toughed it out. Years later & I still work there & am aware that several people won't speak to me but I have no idea why
Have an entry for "stripclub str" on my bank statement, shitting it because I'm applying for a mortgage. It's for a Birmingham based street food vendor called "stripclub street food" from which I purchased a burger.
I can't look at my dad the same way anymore. Not since watching Naked Attraction with my mum, when she pointed at a bloke's quite well endowed dick and matter of factly said "just like your dad's cock, that one". WTF mum?
Lighten your mind with a confession. Drop it in here Google form: https://bit.ly/addfess
Just bought a windscreen repair kit of Amazon for £7.99, so I could repair two cracks on an 800 litre fish tank. Sold it on Facebook marketplace for £650. Hope it lasts.
when the person before me walks away from ordering without filling out the tip screen i select the highest tip option for them and scribble a signature. when tipping on my own order i select the lowest option.
I sat through all the LoTR films in the cinema with my friends because I didn't realise I have the right to say that I don't want to and will meet them later.
Works buys my train tickets, but I've linked the delay repay account to my personal bank account. So everytime I'm travelling for work, I pray for the train to be late.
As a teacher I love GCSE results day. It's a formal day of 'fuck around, find out' for so many dickhead students who've been utter tossers for 5 years.
Ordered a Smiths T shirt, got a Stone Roses one sent instead so wore that for a night on the piss. Met a woman and she raved about Ian Brown all night. We've been married for 25 years now; I think Stone Roses are shite and have never told the wife.
When in uni, had a dream it was my flatmates birthday. Was so convincing that when I woke up, bought him a cake and got half the halls around for a surprise party. It was not his birthday.
A random woman was giving me a BJ in my front room when I was 18 after a night out, my mum walked in and saw it, that's not the embarrassing bit, in the morning she said to me "I hope you washed your widgy before that nice girl put it in her mouth" I still cringe to this day.
Not my confession, but I've just heard a mother say to her young boys, "We're off to Waitrose", to which they replied, "Hoorah hoorah!". It's probably the most middle class thing I've ever witnessed.
Until i was around 20 years old i thought the phrase "the person is helping police with their enquiries" meant some lovely volunteer had come forward to help out. Perhaps making cups of tea or dealing with some of the paperwork.
I have a lot of clothes for a bloke. When I pack for a holiday I give imaginary football manager speeches in my head to the clothes I don't take explaining my decisions on why I'm not taking them.
Whenever I cancel a credit card I leave a few pennies on the account to see if they force me to transfer them. So far, three card companies keep sending me postal mail and have done so for more than a decade. Must cost them a few bob, that. I'm a grain of sand.
Whenever someone bends over in front of me I will usually do a fart noise with my mouth, I'm rather good at it and can throw the noise too. I do it in supermarkets, school assemblies, the gym, church, anywhere.
1970s. Dying for a shit so ran into Rackhams to use their bog. Bloke lying on the floor half in cubicle but I needed to poo. Man was dead. Not sure what the police found more offensive: the fact that I'd had a shit with a dead man or the smell.
I once gave someone a job because he turned up to an interview with a folder showing all his achievements, including the certificate he won for a drawing competition at a McDonald's restaurant birthday party when he was 9. It was a pretty good picture.
HR at work wanted proof that I had the shits when I called in sick at work. So I sent them a photo of my watery shits. I mean, how else was I going to prove it?