Ten-to-one she’s eating woke bread.
Bouncer. Security guard. Sometimes write for @theguardian.com @washingtonpost.com @timeshighered.bsky.social @nytimes.com @financialtimes.com @newscientist.com Mostly at work opening doors and stopping fights.
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Ten-to-one she’s eating woke bread.
Don’t forget safety films: youtu.be/oXi35VowjMI
I can’t believe she called her daughter Crumpets, dooming her to a life of forever telling randy British bus drivers that she’s not interested.
Think I’m in both boxes. Or neither as I’m now on 44p above minimum. www.ft.com/content/af63...
Nice ranking Jim. That’s a Fontaines sandwich. Or to give it its official bakery name a panindie.
Britpop showdown: Was Liz II Team Liam or Team Damon? One Might Say vs Countess House?
The irony is they both suffer from heavy hay fever. In the next photo they’ve doubled in size.
Been in the job nearly 20 years and nearly half my shift (double figures) has quit since April.
The CGI feels just as timeless. Nearly 30 years old but looks like a Marvel movie. One whose “heroes” wear Gestapo trench coats (something I still can’t believe got past the censors).
It’s starting to feel more prophetic than RoboCop. “Enlist to vote.”
Congrats Jim. Just waiting for payday then will be all over these like Trump on a boneless banquet for one.
As someone whose job means they have to chase shoplifters, I guarantee that no-one’s nicking sausages with impunity. It’s always sausages with chicken dippers.
Does falling asleep to the Clockwork Orange soundtrack count?
RIP Tel. I like to think this is the view right now at the pearly gates.
As a security guard who’s been involved in a three-on-one pear fight, I can tell you it’s not a good idea to put thieves within grabbing distance of fresh fruit.
It’s official: you’ve released more bangers than a sausage factory. Just hope the next LP’s not a decade away.
Every time I see a Boards of Canada post alert, I search for the words “new material” and then feel my pulse crash back down like the coyote when he realises he’s overshot the cliff.
Looks like the kebabby who used to park outside one of the blocks we protect. Two buckets in the back of his wagon: one for fat, one for piss.
I feel bad for Rupert Lowe. It’s an honest mistake. He probably hasn’t felt this bad since the time the bulb blew in his walk-in wardrobe, and he phoned 999 saying he’d been knocked out and taken to Narnia.
One of the biggest mistakes the BBC has ever made. And I’ve seen Don’t Scare the Hare.
Junior division: ICE ICE Babies Senior division: Cold Dead Hands
When someone tells him that GPT stands for Genetic Parental Tracing.
Has anyone tried asking it how much K is in Grok?
“Idea for a drama-documentary interviewing Cornish coast dwellers misrepresented by The Salt Path. To be titled ‘Into the Wound’ or possibly ‘Sea Salt & Slander Vinegar’ provided we hear back from Tyrrell’s.”
Just wrote about being made to police language and how its needed more urgently online. “‘Banter bouncing should be done digitally … Any detection of flagged language will result in the darkest secrets from your camera roll being automatically sent to your nan and/or mother-in-law.” t.co/RvaC5Vt6lg
Had fun writing this. Don’t worry: you won’t get chucked out for banter in real life. Not unless you’re reading 50 Shades out loud.
I wrote about banter bouncers, and the idea of being one while working as a real bouncer. Contains naked sleepwalkers, late-night bin fights, some four-star language and @susiedent.com www.independent.co.uk/voices/labou...
This was on BBC4 this week. Am sure it’s all just part of their nuclear week.
“The White House is currently unable to host major functions … without having to install a large and unsightly tent. Available now at Four Seasons Total Landscaping.”
Weird seeing nukes fall just up the road from me. If you’re on an American chicken farm you get to watch them fall for real. And they’re American nukes too: www.washingtonpost.com/history/2022...
Threads and The War Game are on BBC4 tonight. If you want to know how the first one of these got made, I spoke to Mick Jackson and Karen Meagher about going method and eating raw sheep, and why no-one in their right mind would want to survive a nuclear war. www.theguardian.com/culture/2019...
“It’s the 23rd of June 2016, and Britain is leaving the European Union.”
If the Lionesses got the same in the UK they could put the £100K towards the maintenance charge on the apartment.
As part of the new Online Safety Act, anyone trying to get into a 24-hour gambling den should first robustly prove their age by watching porn in the doorway.
I wish I could go back to the beginning of the season, put some money on England.
Incoming Bank Holiday in 3 … 2 …
“Brexit, Boris Johnson, Liz Truss, Donald Trump & Nigel Farage.”
“Where the scenery’s attractive/And the air is radioactive.” Three years later, a movie with an infamously high rem dose was released …
Same energy when doing pull-ups before my shift starts and After the Watershed by Carter appears on the playlist. Playlist is called Ear Spinach.
As someone who’s paid to be first response to fights, I’m really looking forward to seeing Farage and Yaxley-Lennon wade in first. Nothing says inspiring leadership like blokes who are scared of a Toffee Crisp McFlurry.
Sometimes imagine watching her coronation, which sounds like such a shit-show that Sam Fox and Mick Fleetwood could have hosted it: joshwest63.medium.com/queen-victor...
“So tell me, Future Boy: who’s president in 2025?”
Hope Paul Verhoeven is watching this and pissing himself laughing.
2002: “I’ve known Jeff for 15 years. Terrific guy … He’s a lot of fun to be with. It is even said that he likes beautiful women as much as I do, and many of them are on the younger side.” 2025: “I never went to the island. I don't even know what they're talking about.”
If you need something light to perk up with after making it through that double-header: youtu.be/zjIiApN6cfg
Plot twist: the coup happens, but it’s organised by those soldiers who were given mescaline and ended up talking to sparrows while off their tits: youtu.be/n-rWnQphPdQ?...
Haven’t seen that much rolling around since Flashdance.
Your next LP right there Jim, one that will pack out the stadiums. A Brit Pop/shark concept album. Call it Chum Some of This Shit and charge five grand a ticket.
Look forward to this. As a fellow security guard I know the feeling of trying to stop people nicking stuff all day. Hope Nadi and her mates are able to prevent opportunists from running off with Big Ben.
We will never be three decades on from Blur and Oasis.
BBC announces new MasterChef presenters. www.bbc.com/news/article...
The receptionists and checkout staff I work with are on a notch above minimum. They both earn their money. Receptionists can get a lot of grief from handsy blokes who don’t like hearing no.
My job pays minimum wage. It doesn’t feel too high to me. But bills and shopping going up and down like Leicester City sometimes makes me feel as squeezed as I was three years ago, back when I was a pound over: www.ft.com/content/af63...
Can’t they give him a rapid unscheduled departure?
“Idea for a cop show called Bad Apples, in which a no-nonsense detective with a strings of behavioural complaints is forced onto a diversity programme - and teamed up with a crime-busting fruit picker. Bill Oddie plays their exasperated boss.”
Both of them hit harder than Usyk holding two Grolsch bottles.
One of my duties in the job is to issue parking fines whenever people take the piss. I’d have struggled not to write Doublus Yelliosum on the back of her ticket.
I can’t believe Liz Truss didn’t spot the Afghan data leek.
My job pays minimum wage. Don’t mind taxes going up if it helps everyone out. Fingers crossed the people earning more don’t get their accounts done by Starbucks.
As a bouncer I guess I’m a man with a direct manner. It’s an attitude best used on blokes who can’t keep their hands to themselves. You know the type: overbearing, first name spelled wrong, uses autism as an excuse for going commando minus the trousers.
Very nice, and very possibly the best Sweeney tribute since that Nissan Almera advert. youtu.be/f59wThmUmxY?...
Wait: Britain and France have combined nukes but no-one’s calling it EuroTsar?
They could always do what Ridley Scott did in All The Money in the World and insert a replacement actor who can accurately imitate Wallace.
Did they outsource the due diligence to Banijay?
Every time in the job I have to administer first aid to a homeless spice user I remind myself that there is no such thing as society.
Bullshit Walks: The Real Salt Path starring Gillian Anderson and Jason Isaacs.
Amazed that half of their 630 miles was just them doing laps around Captain Tom’s garden.
Can’t believe they secretly had a Transit Custom, and between villages were doing cash-in-hand fly tipping.
Need a Salt Path/Captain Tom crossover. And it must have a marketable high seas title. Codswallop?
“But how would you feel if you’d accidentally grassed yourself?”
Good to see him still committed to this Viz joke.
Bouncer’s tip: try and keep it under 90 decibels and don’t let anyone in in a Rangers strip (especially if Sick Boy’s on the piano).
“The Prime Minister said he didn't like the deal, but he had to go along with it.”
To boost morale, Sir Kier should organise a pub quiz. He could call his team either the Hands-Made Tool or U-Turn Saints.
I just can’t believe a bloke whose last name is Vylan turns out to have an agenda that some might view as spicy. What are the odds? It’s like a disgruntled carnival worker called E Nigma who goes on to become the Riddler.
When I read Infinite Jest on the bus I always turn the J into a G. That way people think I’m reading a biography of Liza Minnelli’s late husband.
I see you know your charcoal well, sir.
This is amazing. Instantly my favourite Yogi Bear reference outside of Sean Lock’s joke in 15 Storeys High (scrub to 4 mins 10 secs): youtu.be/HfED2hwH5OQ
Zoe forgot Olympus. That’s the best one. I like the scene where the missile operator can’t find the keyboard shortcut for hashtag.
If any eco-metal bands are stuck for a name: Ally Can Crushers is available.
As a bloke who lives in one of those towns around the corner from the Black Cat fireworks shop: I have an alibi.
It’s not just Martin Scorsese who can make a top-drawer boxing film in black-and-white … To mark the release of Twenty Four Seven on Blu-Ray I wrote about modern British movies that avoid colour, and that show life in the UK without the red and blue flags. www.bfi.org.uk/lists/10-gre...
“Handcrafted yummy” sounds like small print at the bottom of a spa treatment menu.
You wouldn’t catch Dubstar using dynamic pricing. Mainly because their name already contains an asterisk.
You never miss, Jim. The Luke Littler of indie rock. Hope they give you a big trophy and a halloumi kebab.
