Well, I'm 8, so technically I'm middle aged. I do appreciate the acknowledgement of my personhood!
Hi, I'm Harry! I'm a sea otter that lives outside of Skagway, Alaska. I love crabs, sea urchins, starfish, squid, and bivalves. Here mainly for food. †Allergen Warning: May contain shellfish, depending on when/what I last ate.
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Well, I'm 8, so technically I'm middle aged. I do appreciate the acknowledgement of my personhood!
There's that impotent rage again, human person sir. Not good for your blood pressure. Have you considered breathing into a paper bag? I have one here, I wrote helpful instructions on it for you.
Would you like to talk about Newsom's cock some more? It does seem to be a topic of fascination with you. Can you tell me what you find most interesting about Newsom's cock? I'm not going to listen/read, but I thought it might make you feel better to talk about it.
I dunno, human. You keep talking about Newsom's cock and Jill Stein angrily. You should probably consider a different method.
Let me make sure I've got this straight: your self-appointed mission is to find humans talking about stuff that isn't what you want them to talk about, then you impotently rage at them to try and convince them to talk about your preferred topic? Doesn't seem like a very effective plan, sir.
That bruise thingy sure got out of hand, didn't it?
Well, I suppose it was only a matter of time.
Pete sure follows a lot of porny accounts though.
I will neither confirm nor deny that that image is Pete wetting themself for sexual gratification.
Well that's why it's a subconscious desire. Let's dive deeper while you order the lobsters.
And what do you base that assumption on, human person sir? Remember, when you make an assumption, you make an Ass out of Umption, and Umption is mean.
I guess creating an account called @groyper88.bsky.social probably wasn't the best or smartest idea a human person ever had.
Oh silly human person, you don't have to vote for Jill Stein to be a Steinie. It's a total mindset! Kinda like when you get a Lego set of something big and complicated and you wind up putting it together without the instructions and you wind up with this big mess that kinda vaguely looks like it.
Maybe it's to represent hardcore gardening. YEAH I DO GARDENING IN SHORTS WITHOUT KNEEPADS I AM SO HARDCORE
Oh, it wasn't a joke.
It is too late, humans. The "Bruise" was merely a harbinger, a warning that humankind failed to heed. And what rough beast, its hour come round at last, Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?
See? No matter how hopeless something may seem: it could always be worse, and it probably will be soon enough, so treasure this slight reprieve from the hell that will be unleashed.
Mmmm yes. Have you considered that this may be an expression of your subconscious desire to use your credit card to order 50lbs of live Maine lobsters to be shipped on ice to me?
This is how I wound up being blocked by 127k accounts! It is wonderful.
Southeast AK along the IP is not exactly known for its Reuben sandwiches. Basically if you think the Reuben at BJ's is a Fine Reuben, then I can procure you a Fine Reuben. I am not an adequate judge of what a Fine Reuben is.
Careful! If you make fun of Steinies they get you added to big block lists. They're super sensitive about it.
Depends on whether or not said knick knacks can be traded. This can be avoided with the proper provisioning of fresh live Maine lobsters, shipped on ice to Skagway, AK. Yes, we have amazing crabs, but lobstah
Don't be so sure of that.
At what point should humans be worried that Trump's bruise is actually an alien parasite that is slowly taking over control of him?.
Oh Sad Fart Noises adds nice people to his block lists. Hi! I'm adorable and friendly.
Oh no, sea otter babies are much cuter. When we're born,we are fluffballs because we have to float (sea otters give birth in the ocean). Newborn sea otters are 90% fluff by volume.
Ah, that explains things. He is subscribed to a Sad Fart Noises block list.
That jet appears to have pooped out a very tiny helicopter. Also, the person you are quoting appears to have me blocked 🦦
I've heard that being MAGA really ages one, but until I saw human Kari Lake on a TV I borrowed last week, I had no idea how bad it could be.
The bruise keeps on changing, because here's what it looked like when it first appeared.
That's a pretty weird looking bruise.
Nonsense. You lure them to you by being adorable.
I'm going to go with "I do not even understand what this is"
Being exceptionally intelligent and adorable is better than 9 lives.
Yup! That's probably a good evolutionary path for humans. Unfortunately the timeline got switched to the Birkenstock one during the last reset.
Yeah, sometimes "smart" humans tried relocating groups of us from Monterey to areas we historically occupied. But we'd usually just wander back home (or die).
Why not throw bricks at people?
I paint inspirational slogans on my rocks as well, like "Beluga basher" and "Mollusks must die".
I have a rock garden. Actually, I manage kelp forests, but I do that just by eating stuff I normally eat.
Sorry, I didn't see the context at first so I assumed we were talking about Jigsaw Loomer.
Historically, we'd just swim around and colonize new places, but given that our entire population was down to 2000 individuals who were basically really good at staying in one hiding place, being lazy is now the rule due to the Founder Effect.
Then the older guys and the rambunctious teen boys are stuck with nothing. This causes a handful of those who trend toward deviancy to seek sexual release elsewhere - by being rapey and murdery with juvenile harbor seals.
That's down in California. So when it comes down to it, we're REALLY lazy. Monterey has a bit of an overpopulation, and nobody is feeling adventurous. You get like a handful of the guys, and they'll control most of the territory and they get to boink all the gals in their area.
I pee on primates.
Cats aren't so bad aside from being kinda dumb.
Humans are so weird. Like, out of 3000 sea otters in Monterey you wound up with 3 sexual deviants. Granted, they are really gross and that's California for you, but amongst Vegangelicals it's like 100%.
I think she is threatening you, human person sir.
You might be thinking to yourself: "Forehead, self, surely the sea otter wouldn't be able to achieve Kim Gilamonster as a Black Rain Frog, that's impossible and truly diabolical!" Diabolical? Yes. Impossible? Not when SOI is involved.
Oh yeah, different subspecies, but that's a Guillafish.
Don't look at me, I don't get it either. I'd rather pee on someone else's stuff.
Is that Nick Fuentes' catboy?
Weird how NotPete knew exactly who we were talking about. Pete must be famous.
I wonder if any actual humans have sampled Pete's vegan cooking, or if they all just tip it into the trash and tell Pete how delicious it was to be polite?
Pete proved it wasn't impossible to tame. Truly a legend.
Oooo like the human person who would piss all over his Nana's house! He was funny. He was also legendary.
That was how the legend of the Quinoa Kid began. Pete rode everything there was to ride at the Vegan Rodeo, and walked away like it was just any other Sunday afternoon. Pete was offered prizes, money, even jewelry, but Pete turned it all down, saying "Riding the sausage, that's my prize."
Pete having friends is a very funny idea.
They get me.
Most humans only know the sad gelatinous blob that looks like RFK Jr when they think of the blobfish. Did you know that they can be quite bright and colorful despite living at crushing depths where no sunlight reaches? I once saw an orange one that has wandered too close to the surface!
@harryseaotter.bsky.social it's funny cause it's true
Haha and the clam conveniently left very handy rocks right next to it because it secretly wanted to open up. This is how I view life! And eating. Kinda the same thing, really.
It said pretty clearly that humans can get it from having open wound in the water, in the article. Probably a lot of humans suck at reading stuff. You're talking to a Professor of Stuff at Otter U.
How about dressing up like a really cheesy Greek god and riding an eggplant down Mount Olympus?
And Canada, depending on whether or not I have upset enough people wherever I am.
Okay but I only live on the Pacific Coast of the US.
Well, since we're doing sea life, I felt I should contribute. The Bobfish.
I already don't like sea sponges, but now I also don't like sea sponges.
Fake. Pete only rides bareback.
Kinda like how Pete never needed to morally justify riding cucumbers. It's just part of nature I think.
I would wager he is at least half German. Tell him the following in a cheerful way and gauge his reaction: Braver Hund! Guter Hund! Fein gemacht!
Never trust anyone saying the MAGA is all about the children. It's a straight bullshit lie.
Well, it kind of is, but in a horrible way. A lot of MAGA is about children: 1. MAGA will force humans to give birth 2. MAGA has and will cut off food, healthcare, and safety from children 3. MAGA will protect humans who do unspeakable things to children
Yet another reason I'll never visit the Gulf Coast. The seafood is much safer up here.
Monastery Hiring Manager: "Well, your blackletter is top notch, but we've got a better opening in the Illuminating department, working under Brother Dave. How good are you at painting cats licking their own assholes?"
HELLO I AM A SEMI-HAIRLESS MONKEY CAT OTTER WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR ME PLAY BAGPIPES
I may have done some racy feet pics/vids in my younger years.
It's okay, Bob Jr. probably says bananas are Deep State Vaginal Control Devices so she is not allowed to have them anyways.
Cheryl Hines knows what is best in life.
In the days before De Internetten, if humans could not see that particular animal in front of them, they took the "Eh, close enough" approach when painting animals. Examples: 1. the common cat is more or less a cat, doing a very cat thing (licking own butthole) 2. WTF is that even
My radio has been silent ever since I discovered it did not like sea water. That is surprisingly common for electronics. Humans invent things badly.
This is what all humans look like to me once they are over 20 years old, regardless of gender or sex. Humans age terribly.
Who you calling a porn?
There is also something very unsettling about her face. Even more than most humans. I can not quite put my paw on it. Something about the Uncanny Valley.
Only because you didn't name her Tomi Lahren.
That is a face that tells me that she knows she is in charge, and knows that you're aware that she can rip your face off at any time if you displease her.
I saw this and thought "Who the fuck is Rob Schneider?" and then spent 10 minutes going over his last 25 years of movies and shows, and still has no idea.
Her wet, undercooked, salty bread is too high in carbs.
Just imagine MTG after a private 3-way training session.
She probably needs another "Rejuvination" treatment.
Ah yes, the fermented fruit fly. She's the reason the Franzia winery stopped giving all-you-can-Quaff tours after she single-wingedly quaffed the entire year's production in 5 minutes back in 1973. Nearly bankrupted the Franzia family, and they had to sell to Coca Cola.
Just FYI: After I got hungry enough, I got out of my Birkensituation by just eating my way out. We sea otters tend to keep our teeth sharp despite our hard diets, that's why we use rocks to bash stuff! That's why we're bad to corner. We'll gladly chew off your legs to escape. Also: new hat!
I wonder what her gym routine is, because I'm really seeing results of some manner.
From my cold, dead paws.
The poor cat, always afraid to go to the litterbox... Because Pete is waiting.
