Ooooh got too vulnerable on main today, so I'll be retreating from public view now.
Ooooh got too vulnerable on main today, so I'll be retreating from public view now.
Oh me too
If Abilify doesn't save my life then nothing will tbh
No offense but things should stop happening.
Look at this adorable little punk.
I don't even consistently eat dinner every day, I take no comfort in routine
I was asked about my daily routine today and was like idk other than going to Dunkin Donuts there isn't really anything that I consistently do every day?
Mental gealth
Oh but if you're rural then fuck you, we closed all the hospitals when they slashed Medicaid.
Being American kinda sucks, they want you to work until you're about to drop dead and if you can't mentally or physically handle it, you can go to a hospital and get a bill for $80 million.
15 mg Adderall in one day = I'm a poet, I'm an entrepreneur, I'm a construction manager, I'm a real estate agent,
The Internet is big.
I feel mentally decent. Am also aware this will likely collapse once I return to work.
Ok plan after Azerbaijani lesson: 1. Eat burrito 2. Do 12 min of cleaning 3. Play Disco Elysium 4. Read BBC Azerbaijani articles
Ok booked a hotel in Venice, booked a concert in Concord, NH. I decided I'm gonna go up to NH after all.
meat
Fish and leaves.
Being mentally at a breaking point is extremely inconvenient.
I can go do intensive treatment in 2026, I'll put the Macedonia trip on hold.
Ok but my bank account and the trip to Europe I have planned with my mom can't really withstand me going on medical leave rn. "But it's better to have you still here." Like yeah sure but I think the chances of anything happening are still pretty slim tbh, and I'd rather not ruin my mom's vacation.
I ordered a fish and leaves. I'm going to eat them.
Now I'm stressed. And it's my day off. And I have an Azerbaijani lesson.
I hate when you bring up the possibility of wanting more intensive, potentially residential treatment to your therapist. That's not a fun conversation. It's actually an extremely stressful conversation.
Your subscription to Mental Health Weekly will be charged soon!
I like that Credit Karma refers to my therapy bills as a "subscription."
I'm living life on the edge (checking in for virtual therapy 1 min before session begins)
One thing about being a humanist is I don't compromise on recognition of people's humanity for anyone, and this makes me an extreme leftist to some and a silly liberal to others, but I don't really care anymore bc this principle generally guides me towards standing up for the vulnerable.
Netanyahu is one of the most contemptible people in the world right now, AND statements like "their entire history is a forgery" are Protocols-level antisemitic. Idk what to really do with these two thoughts other than attempt to hold both of them in my head without losing my mind.
"Wow, I love how realistic they are! They really suit you! You chose well."
I sent my new goals to my friend, and they said they were very realistic, which for me is about the equivalent of being complimented on a new pair of shoes I just bought.
I might even feel pity for them that they've chosen to spend their time and energy on such a pathetic endeavor if I didn't have such contempt for them. Anyway, back to your regularly scheduled programming. This kind of anger isn't good for my soul.
That's all I have to say about that!
Just wanna say that people who've made their entire personalities about publicly hating trans people are extremely strange in the most derogatory way possible, and I am so happy that I will never be even remotely as petty a person as they are. That kind of behavior should be rejected and shamed.
Hello I need to charge my laptop for therapy, but it is a lot of effort to reach over and plug it in, and I can probably put off doing that for at least another 20 min.
Btw this morning I got my 10mg Adderall to be dosed in the morning, my 5mg Adderall to be dosed in the afternoon, and my increased Lamotrigine dose and my refill of Buspar. In case anyone was keeping track of my medical history.
I do like songs that are potentially critical of overmedication for someone who is adamant that they need to be on at least 5 medications to function properly.
All I know is to take my medicine, I always take my medicine
this is Murray, and he lives in California, but he’s from Colorado- he wants to say hi to your cats from all 50 states! Drop your cat and where they’re from!
Ty for the info, I appreciate it! I think what I'll do first is ask about switching from Risperidone to Abilify cuz from my research it seems the later has a better effect on residual depression symptoms like lack of motivation without being absurdly expensive since it has a generic.
Ok it'd be $150 for a 90 day supply with my insurance (no generic) but it is Tier 3 so I am guessing that means they will want me to have tried at least 30 other probably less effective drugs with limited results before they'll let me try Vraylar.
Is that like with insurance and what about for the generic? I might see if my insurance portal will estimate the cost for me.
This is just my psych meds btw ahhhhh
And apparently Vraylar is more expensive than Risperidone and insurance is known to be weird about it, but the Internet consensus is that it's pretty effective for residual depression symptoms, so I'd really like to try it.
My meds are starting to become like $64 a month altogether which is not the worst they could be but is still more than I used to spend.
Also this doesn't seem like a big deal to most people, but I live somewhere where a third of the population doesn't own a car, and 2 miles out of the way makes a huge difference to someone who doesn't drive!
Anyway I know it's not the pharmacist's fault, it's just this silly, silly healthcare system.
I'm at the pharmacy waiting for me meds.
The inanity of a pharmacist having to be like, "Sorry, we're not contracted with your insurance anymore, you'll need to go to the other pharmacy 2 miles away."
What in the world!
Facet of who you are*
I'm actually w coworkers now who have acknowledged that I never wear makeup without implying that I'm doing something wrong. And it does make a difference tbh to even have the fact that I am not comfortable with femininity even minorly acknowledged. It's like a facet of who you aren't isn't erased.
I said I'd prefer to have a wedding scarf, and they didn't like that comment either.
One time among my former group of coworkers, I was like, "I don't see the point of wedding rings, most of them are kinda ugly" and there was a very uncomfortable silence before one of the women said, "That's not true." And I was like o ok sorry for challenging your norms, I'll never do it again.
I once spent 30 minutes wearing a feminine blouse that made me squirm internally at a table with a coworker I barely knew describe her daughter's wedding dress with phrases, "you'd get why she wanted it that way, she's about your age after all" and I was like hello 👋 I come from far away galaxy
Reminded of the coworker who said, "I understand you don't wanna go to corporate events bc they're very uncool..." & I was like, is that why you think I don't wanna go? Cuz it's actually bc dressing in women's work attire makes me feel disgusting & I feel like an alien listening to coworkers' convos
I can fully comprehend that there are many people for whom socializing is an energizing force. I meet many such people, however, who cannot comprehend that I need solitude to recharge.
I think one of the perks to operating very differently from other people is that it has never been a world-altering experience for me to learn that someone prefers to do things differently from me.
Therapy at 11 and Azerbaijani at 5 and otherwise it is day off.
Are there universities that don't believe in Labor Day (don't say all of them in practice, I mean in theory)
I'm still perplexed and concerned about all the American profs I saw posting that yesterday was their first day of teaching.
I will go get my prescription at 9 and count that as exercise.
I'm continuing the lessons for now bc I'm honestly undecided on whether or not I want to continue with them, so I might as well finish out what I have.
I don't want to be a defeatist, but there is a more than negligible chance that this will derail my entire day. Or at the very least I will have to concentrate extremely hard to make sure I don't simply slip into Waiting Mode for 5+ hours.
Oh fucking hell I forgot I have an Azerbaijani lesson tonight 😭😭😭😭😭
It really speaks to how dismal American labor standards are that most people can't even hope to have this much time off ever in their lives. Like what the fuck is wrong with America? Why are we expected to work so much? It is not necessary.
If I can quantify it, I think I would need about 40-45 PTO days per year to really be able to have a better grip on my life. I currently get 28, which is extremely generous compared to what most people get (though I don't have any specifically allocated sick time). Feels silly to say it's not enough
I'm not able to keep up with the expectations for productivity under American capitalism. I think I'd be more ok working 3-4 months and then having 2 weeks off at a time, but that is simply not the Industry Standard.
And so time off enables me to accomplish very little because I need to spend so much of it just not moving or only doing something that replenishes my soul, such as going to the cat shelter.
Idk how much time I'd actually need off to become Mentally Healthy, but basically what usually happens is I'll spend the first 3-4 days recovering from life and doing very little, and then on the 5th day I'll say, "I think I'm up for fixing some things!" And then on the 6th day I return to work.
It's actually funny cuz one of my longest time friends lives in the UK and likes to make jokes like this when I use Boston place names with him.
I need like 6-8 months of paid medical leave so I can effectively build routines for taking care of myself and go to intensive therapy to learn to manage stress better, and then maybe I can work again.
Give me more than 2 days off in a row, and I'll be like, "I feel so okay that I could maybe even cook food"
I do absolutely hate that the number one way to make me mentally stable is for me not to work.
"Oh it sure is tough to get from Winter Hill all the way to Brighton, man" Yeah? You think anyone knows what that means?
I'm like the New Yorker of Boston.
I think the most annoying thing about me is that I think and talk like everybody else in the world should know the approximate location of all of Boston's neighborhoods and inner suburbs.
So we'll have had a 5 day weekend bc Thursday was a fluke where I just worked or worried about work the whole day.
Gm I decided I'm gonna take today off :)
Slowly switching to a vegan-at-home diet, but I'm still executive dysfunctiony, so I guess I will eat a lot of trail mix.
Oh my bad, this isn't Cuddles, this is Kinder.
Totally forgot to introduce everyone to Cuddles
So you see, I must live day by day because he is my smallest boy who deserves love and care and attention.
Sometimes I want to press fast forward on the next 5 years of my life and have myself just do my job and put money into savings so I can maybe do something cool by the time I'm 40, but then I remember if I do that, Dijon will age without my getting to enjoy every second I spend with him.
Me @ my professors: heský vikend
You can only kill them by killing me 😔
Lamotrigine raised my mood so basically I'm not really down all the time and can feel pretty neutral or even good when I'm not stressed, but I still have all of the symptoms associated with not wanting to put effort towards doing anything and relying too heavily on immediate comfort.
Interestingly I think out of doing a PhD, remembering to eat apples, and living in a different country, the option that is least intimidating to me is living in a different country.
This is about 60% effective at getting me out of unstructured indecisive slug mode, so I just wanted to share.
Fwiw I usually make a numbered to-do list and then go to random.org/integers and generate a number and do that item.
I have this exact problem, and I think it's pretty common for people with ADHD actually.
I like how I'll be like, "I should do a PhD in Czechia" and then I'm also like, "I would buy apples, but it's too much effort to remember to eat them."
On the one hand "vegan meal ideas for when you're depressed" yields really good and doable results. On the other hand, it's possible that my depression is not as in remission as I initially thought.
Here is the shining star of my life, the center of my world, and I am blessed that I spend every day in the same room as him. I love him dearly.
Idk man cis women don't spend as much time thinking about potentially masculinizing their features as you do with the same level of curiosity and interest that you have, and I feel like that speaks for something even if you ultimately decide not to go that route.
Ok actually if I'm thinking about it, I lifted some bins weighing about 10 lbs above my head about 7-10 times today while at the shelter, so that is a good candidate for why my back is furious with me rn.
Need to also eat the demon in my brain that tells me I'm not trans if I don't start T, a standard I hold literally no other trans person to other than myself.
I need to eat the demon in my brain that loves to tell me that I'm officially not trans if I only ever come out to my close friends and not to my family, coworkers, and in-person communities.
The biggest downside to singlehood is that financially it is a lot harder, and because of this I'm forced to stay at a job I don't like but that pays me well.
What's also cool is if/when I do get fed up with having a small studio in the city, I'll be able to pack up and move without having to consult anyone, get anyone's agreement, or make sure what I want is still in line with our shared vision for a life together.
