I got two orthophonic Victrolas and a microphone…
Who that hath a throne, or a gilded privilege not attainable by his neighbor, let him procure his slippers & get ready to dance, for there is going to be music.
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I got two orthophonic Victrolas and a microphone…
“First they came for the socialists, and then they stopped, because they were being completely reasonable, and honestly, they had a good point.”
Ned
Connecticut got two enormous casinos 30+ years ago, and I can confirm that they are malignant tumors of human misery masquerading as “fun”. A parasite on the innumerate. But if you avoid the gambling, the free valet parking is nice when seeing touring bands and comics.
My body is ready.
Jesus, now I’m terrified that “Billy Rabbit” is some kind of horrible slur that I’m unaware of… Is that about the Flemish or something?
“I guess I hit rock bottom with my Poster’s Disease when I spent $0.78 each to mail my posts to my followers…”
Next up on “Newsmax After Dark”, Kirk Cameron stars in “Whiplash Samurai: His Honor’s New Hampshire Odyssey”
The whale represents man's inability to fight his own fate.
Imagine poisoning your brain with something stupid, like software, instead of something fun, like alcohol?
Putting AI in a Tesla is a 21st Century ouroboros.
Interest rates are set to support the Fed’s twin mandate: reward those who are nice to the President, and punish those who are mean to the President.
To the sketch artist: “The barrel should have, I think the kids call them, “heavy naturals”…
No matter what it gets you, for the rest of your life, you’ll know the whole country watched you suck a dick on live TV.
I loved her very first single “I Go To Bed At 10PM”
Imagining Chuck Schumer at the crazy John Wick hotel calling down to the front desk to complain about the noise…
You need a GIF of the kool-aid man with a red siren for a hat calmly putting the bricks back…
Male, female, Lazlo, Nadia, Nandor DeLaurentis, and Colin Robinson
brb gonna check this section of OJ’s wiki…
“another day volunteering at the trump museum. everyone keeps asking me…”
When Fatherly Pride overcomes Poster’s Disease and you accidentally make a good post
3 Tbsp Bain de Soleil 4 Tbsp Formaldehyde 1 Tsp Ostrich Semen
“As a Republican consultant who advises Republican candidates based on things only said by their fringe online fans, I can’t stress enough that you should stop calling everyone the c-word and the n-word.” This is how they sound.
In karate, you use your opponent’s weakness against yourself.
turning a big dial taht says "impotence" on it and constantly looking back at the audience for approval like a contestant on the price is right.
Took 160 years, but the Confederacy finaly got troops north of Virginia.
All of Trump’s actions are the Galaxy Brain meme, but every frame is a burnt-out kitchen match.
Thought experiment: what if you invented a technology that, as it climbed the capability curve, was most useful to our dumbest folks first? What would that look like?
To be the Platonic ideal, the one run would have to be scored on a balk.
“Pivoting and pivoting in the widening gyre…”
“Los Angeles” is Spanish for “The Big Easy”
Garbage-belly Americans want everything savory turned into candy. This Thanksgiving, look out for Mike’s Gravy Honey.
That’s because left-wing dating advice is “don’t be an asshole”, but that gets coded as “indoctrinating men into woke”, and bro, I don’t know what to tell you.
Someone needs some gender-affirming therapy.
The Estate Tax should be 120%.
*only applicable in empowerment zones, subject to work requirements and means testing.
This is only a crisis if Democrats continue to act as if the Judiciary is a lofty college of untouchable legal clergy, rather than a grubby political clique to be brought to heel by the more-representative branches.
Me, eating an unwashed potato like an apple: “As a Democratic consultant, I have some very specific criticisms about every politician born after 1965.”
Toilets
A streaming service showing old tv programs with original ads and station breaks would cause gen x to zero out their 401ks.
Evil dumbfuckorus groupthink can never fail, it can only be failed.
“The Cleveland Steamer was terrible, and the portion was so small…”
Glad to see A. G. Sulzberger got a side hustle.
But it’s been the policy, so might it helpfully, if disgustingly, clarifying that he’s too stupid to use euphemisms?
And 10 years of private equity, tumescent with free money, spawning a million businesses that are like “uber but for chopping an onion”.
“… At the Pentagon, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth said $230 million dollars of precision ordinance were dropped on the grave of the Iron Sheik.”
Our world is the second act of Back to the Future 2. You wanna be a judge? Sneak into the White House and steal back that sports almanac.
I bet that road is a lot of fun at the beginning, but gets real sad by the end.
Incel waifu sommelier
In fairness, her brother-in-law was equally guilty, and that fat fuck got to die peacefully in his bed.
Aside from her literal treason, her greatest crime was constantly whispering into her husband’s ear about taking a firm stance against a stable constitutional monarchy and (1) condemning France to a decade of chaos and (2) getting his head chopped off.
Sadly, Mike Johnson thinks jazz is a sin.
The Austrians, famously horney.
Well, it’s like Elmo says… [touches earpiece] oh my…
Jake Tapper, over his thick spectacles, to an overturned horseshoe crab at the water’s edge: “So you *saw* Joe Biden’s auto-pen?”
I think there’s something akin to the anthropic principle for people living in late-stage civilizations that make them oblivious to the late-stage civilization.
Thought experiment: say this is our Bronze Age collapse. Who are our “Sea People”? A group with little evidence in the historical record but, for a time at least, universally blamed. Extra credit: NYT OpEd-based answers only.
Is that a mastoid antrum in your pharyngeal pouch or are you just happy to see me?
There was one set of footprints when I could claim you as a dependent.
Elon also consulted Jeffery Dahmer, who has expressed provocative ideas about dinner.
Hmm, adding this to Grok’s system prompt turned it into a flaming Nazi: “The response should not shy away from making claims which are politically incorrect, as long as they are well substantiated.” Seems like LLMs understand perfectly well what people mean when they say “politically incorrect”.
*spins chair around and sits* let me tell you about a real cool girl from this little island called Nantucket
They could get pinned down by a quinceañera…
Godspeed You! Gross Gasperor
100% on board. I don’t think we need to make our own buns, but I’ll leave that up to you. We even have a pork shoulder in the freezer.
Occam’s Jackboot
… searching Article I for the hot-dog guy meme, brb…
Don’t forget the 1996 show-trial of Jeff Bezos by the People’s Commissar of Libraries.
The Democrats need to offer Americans common-sense solutions, like a refundable tax credit on all bribes paid to ICE concentration camp guards to secure an extra ration of toilet paper.
If Jeff Bezos can afford to rent Venice for a $50 million wedding, he can afford to pay his fair share in taxes.
Kind of cool that all school hot-lunch programs have to be halal now. That what he means, right?
S-tier American
The new Bond girl is a metallic oblate spheroid.
Can’t wait to hear all those cool bars Jay-Z writes about how awesome… fucking Santa Monica is…
Zombie John Bonham is awake.
Statistically, a significant number of Yankee fans voted for Zorhan. I don’t know how to handle this.
“Feeling that unsettling “hope” emotion? Ask your doctor if “cable news” is right for you!”
This image is now absolutely everywhere over European media lmao
I’ve deleted three drafts calling him “robo-crop”, “Brie-stone cop”, or “Commandant CPAP”. My civility is failing…
Excellent thread(s), thank you so much.
As a life-long Red Sox fan, fuck, and I cannot stress this enough, this fucking guy.
Handing out free water to everyone in a BMW 5-series or above…
I agree, it’s genuinely useful. (Ugh, I had a dozen draft cynical/sarcastic replies, but going with earnest here…)
Trump, from the Oval, 2027: “We had to pay a Latvian teenager 11-billion Fartcoins so he would unlock the Strategic Petroleum Reserve, but we paid it very strongly…”
If I get to be on the jury at Nuremberg 2.0, I’m voting to convict just based on the misused semicolon.
Wonderful thread, thank you.
dril tweets repeat themselves, first as tragedy, then as farce.
Thank you, Senator.
I am not tall, nor am I thin. But watching all of these virile 20-somethings turn into Arts Garfunkel gives me more joy than you can imagine.
Leave, bitch.
Tired: Drug tests for welfare. Wired: Drug tests for the mortgage interest deduction.
Someone recently pointed out that blue-state governors should be having very serious conversations with the leaders of their National Guards.
DLC Pack II for Wordle costs $75 and just makes every day’s word BONER.
I’ve said before: I’d pay a mortgage payment to see the President explain which characters in Les Misérables are the villains.
“Millions of Americans believe in astrology. Starting today, Scorpios are ineligible for TSA PreCheck.”
Medicare for all? “That doesn’t look like anything to me.”
A double-tap on my left earbud skips thirty seconds. I fear my skull now has a permanent divot.
Abraham Lincoln died of lead poisoning.
