I’m a tough as nails assassin with a gaping, potentially fatal wound that I just bothered to douse with whiskey during an ongoing life-or-death foot chase, ask me anything
Replies
Are you driven more by revenge, adrenaline, both, or neither?
may 7, 2025, 9:16 am • 0 0 • view
If you mean what drives me in general, it’s money. If you mean why did I pour whiskey on my wound it’s because I was well trained by my assassin mentor. He told me “if it’s a choice between your target and germs, kill the target. If it’s a choice between running or killing germs, kill germs.”
may 7, 2025, 2:30 pm • 5 0 • view
That has to feel like a win. Killing millions of microbes must feel like a continued mission.
may 7, 2025, 4:04 pm • 0 0 • view
Ice or no ice?
may 9, 2025, 2:50 am • 0 0 • view
Do you use Apple Maps, Google Maps, or Waze to plot your path through the city? Follow up: voice alert on or off?
may 7, 2025, 4:51 am • 0 0 • view
This.... "Bruce Willis in Die Hard"-esque affectation you're doing with your voice — it's pretty cool. It's like everything you mutter underlines your coolheadedness in a given situation. Is it an intimidation tactic? Or is it a result of years of yelling? Would like to know more
may 7, 2025, 4:14 pm • 0 0 • view
Hello, Mr. Assassin, apologies for bothering you in your current condition, but what movie are you from, specifically?
may 7, 2025, 5:06 am • 0 0 • view
I’m from a lot of movies but you can see my techniques deployed as recently as season two of Killing Eve. Villanelle is stabbed in the stomach and gives her escape a crucial “time out” to pour whiskey on the bleeding hole. She is then able to flee while fountaining 100 percent germ free blood
may 7, 2025, 3:27 pm • 4 0 • view
I'm pretty new to BlueSky. Is this where all assassins post their AMAs? Is this more or less secure than posting things on Signal?
may 7, 2025, 6:22 pm • 0 0 • view
you haven’t asked me anything yet so I’ll get the ball rolling by answering the most obvious question which is “why” and I think you already know the answer, I’m preventing infection. I welcome all followups
may 7, 2025, 4:22 am • 10 0 • view
Now you’re asking why disinfecting a wound will matter if I bleed out or get killed and the answer is I don’t plan for failure, I got this far by assuming my survival is possible and frankly I’d have died of gangrene 12 wounds ago had I “prioritized” short term survival over sterilization
may 7, 2025, 4:22 am • 13 0 • view
now you’re asking, clearly sarcastically, if there are other long term plans I begin executing while fleeing Interpol through the streets of Venice clutching a stab-hole. And guess what buddy as a matter of fact I have a whole list and it’s probably why I’m still alive
may 7, 2025, 4:22 am • 11 0 • view
One of the first things I do as soon as I can find temporary cover: I floss. And I mean thoroughly. Every tooth. Counterintuitive? Yep. Yet here I am, still alive, unlike so many of my colleagues, none of whom flossed during foot chases after getting shot or stabbed
may 7, 2025, 4:22 am • 12 0 • view
I also check in with my accountant. I do a lot of stuff I guess you think you wouldn’t make time to do while bleeding to death and running. I do it all. And before you ask: no, it’s not a “placebo” effect thing. It’s not a “dumbo feather.” I’m not doing it symbolically or superstitiously.
may 7, 2025, 4:22 am • 17 0 • view
If you shoot me or stab me, And I get away, and I’m desperately trying to escape being all the way killed by you, I will first pour whiskey on my wound, then I will floss all of my teeth, call my stock broker and read non-spoiler reviews of TV shows I’ve been waiting to binge
may 7, 2025, 4:22 am • 25 0 • view
What happens if you run out of things to pour into stab wounds?
may 7, 2025, 4:59 am • 1 0 • view
If I don’t die, I will certainly wish I HAD when, weeks later, my doctor examines the wound and prescribes antibiotics. That’s a badge of shame for an assassin. It says you got wounded and were so afraid you’d bleed to death and so unafraid of infection that you just, like, ran with a filthy wound
may 7, 2025, 3:47 pm • 5 0 • view
Forgive me for pulling at this thread, but do you ever use the floss to sew up the stab wound? 🪡 🧵 🩸
may 7, 2025, 5:04 pm • 0 0 • view
Hoping it’s not off topic but what’s your preferred tourniquet of the three: bolo tie, leather belt, or shoe lace?
may 7, 2025, 5:49 pm • 0 0 • view
do they peel off tree bark sometimes?
may 31, 2025, 8:52 am • 0 0 • view
Is this really your last job before you're out for good ?
may 7, 2025, 8:02 am • 1 0 • view
I say that a lot but the truth is, I don’t know what I’d do with myself if I stopped. Being an assassin, specifically a severely wounded one, is literally the one job that combines my two interests: germs and emergency medical care
may 7, 2025, 4:28 pm • 3 0 • view
What type of nails?
may 7, 2025, 4:27 pm • 0 0 • view
Thanks to this whiskey, not the infected kind!
may 7, 2025, 4:42 pm • 3 0 • view
Is your inevitable cabin in the woods home triggered to explode at the first sign of strangers?
may 7, 2025, 9:08 am • 0 0 • view
I keep my cabin very filthy and wear a special hose-lined suit that coats my skin in whiskey. Anyone that enters my cabin is first wounded by a dart trap and then it’s just a matter of time (as little as three weeks) before the surrounding bacteria takes them out
may 7, 2025, 2:44 pm • 4 0 • view
What's your opinion of peers who rely on a network of shady vets or amorous nurses in these scenarios?
may 7, 2025, 4:57 am • 3 0 • view
What's your take on "Best of..." albums? Great entry point or not doing the work? Let's say there's an exclusive bonus track - does that sweeten the deal or is the cynicism too much to bear?
may 7, 2025, 6:53 am • 3 0 • view
Does the coolness of the drink sterilize the wound better? Like would whiskey work better than rubbing alcohol for that reason?
may 7, 2025, 4:07 pm • 1 0 • view
Alcohol is what you’re after but you really want to avoid rubbing an open wound. The best thing you can do for a wound is let it yawn wide open so those germs get good and blasted by a generous pour of whiskey, gin, vodka or strong IPA. Bottles are best, the neck creates a high pressure splash
may 7, 2025, 4:56 pm • 5 0 • view
I'm a millennial so the strong IPA sounds very attractive to me. This sounds like my kind of action hero, ty.
may 7, 2025, 4:57 pm • 1 0 • view
I bet ice is a waste of precious germ killing volume
may 7, 2025, 4:17 pm • 1 0 • view
With ice, you’re just numbing pain, reducing inflammation, slowing bleeding... A doctor can do those things IF YOU GET TO ONE after getting the hell OUT of the life threatening situation with gouts of 100 percent DIRT FREE blood shooting in rhythmic arcs through a PRISTINE, whiskey glazed gash
may 7, 2025, 5:10 pm • 3 0 • view
Are you ever tempted to leave the weapon in the wound?
may 7, 2025, 5:11 pm • 0 0 • view
The enemy’s true weapon - bullet or blade dwelling microorganisms - make their home in any wound that isn’t splashed with an alcoholic beverage. I have never tried to use a wound for storage but I did apply for a patent for a tiny bottle of time release whiskey that could be surgically implanted
may 7, 2025, 5:24 pm • 4 0 • view
That makes me think that shrinking an assassin down to the size of a microbe and including them in the 🥃 might be a powerful combination. A single shot of Whiskey Assassin™ could keep you bacteria free for some amount of time for maximal escape possibilities.
may 7, 2025, 6:20 pm • 0 0 • view
Are we talking about a nice single malt? Or more of a Canadian blend.
may 7, 2025, 5:18 am • 0 0 • view
What’s in your ‘picking glass out of your feet’ kit?
may 7, 2025, 4:24 am • 0 0 • view
I never bring forceps, bandages, surgical thread, hydrogen peroxide or alcohol to any job. To me that’s planning for failure. As soon as I get shot or stabbed, I find the nearest most painful liquid to pour on my open bleeding wound but it has to be discovered “in situ” because I’m an optimist
may 7, 2025, 4:28 am • 9 0 • view
How often do you scream while pouring; or is screaming bad for some reason?
may 7, 2025, 5:02 am • 0 0 • view
I usually just wince. It stings quite a bit but I’ve been getting shot and stabbed for enough time now to associate that stinging sensation with what I know is a positive and vital goal: the immediate and thorough sanitization of my wide open, plasma jetting laceration
may 7, 2025, 3:30 pm • 5 0 • view
does champagne work? i just got shot at a wedding
may 7, 2025, 4:01 pm • 7 0 • view
Absolutely. A great rule of thumb: if it can’t be served to a child, it can and should be used to medically treat a life threatening injury. I don’t personally PREFER syrupy mixers because the stickiness can accidentally “close” the wound, effectively protecting clever germs from alcohol
may 7, 2025, 4:18 pm • 11 0 • view
Seems almost celebratory. I bet that if you shake it up you can really pressure it in there!
may 7, 2025, 5:02 pm • 0 0 • view
Do you feel like you’re pouring more masculinity into your body? Would men’s cologne work?
may 7, 2025, 3:51 pm • 1 0 • view
For me it’s just about balancing science with time management and positivity. Pouring whiskey onto my otherwise ignored wound eliminates my two worst enemies (germs and overpriced brand name ointments) and never bringing or using any form of bandage puts me in a crucial “I can’t get wounded” zone
may 7, 2025, 4:10 pm • 3 0 • view
I’ve always assumed overpriced ointments wasted precious germ killing volume with analgesics and “comfort meds”
may 7, 2025, 4:14 pm • 0 0 • view
You know what you’re getting when you buy a 5 dollar ointment? A 3 dollar tube, a 1 dollar sticker and the 99 cents of electricity it cost some computer to gelatinize a PENNY’s worth of whiskey
may 7, 2025, 4:50 pm • 3 0 • view
You’ve forever changed my ointment buying philosophy!
may 7, 2025, 4:54 pm • 0 0 • view
Did you also drink some of the whisky? That seems to constitute best practice in these kinds of scenarios.
may 7, 2025, 12:08 pm • 3 0 • view
I do take a belt of it, yes. To make sure there’s alcohol in it and not just a bunch of germs or blood. Those I’ve got in spades! When i get shot. The goal is to cleanse the wound of all bacteria so i test it with a swig and a grimace
may 7, 2025, 2:14 pm • 8 0 • view
Where is your wound, specifically? Hopefully your liver didn’t get stabbed/shot
may 7, 2025, 4:21 pm • 0 0 • view
I wish! That’s the wound you want to hope for because the liver acts as a “drinker,” drawing the booze to the center of the wound, where the bullet or knife germs love to hide. It also distributes surplus whiskey to the skin surface, effectively forming an anti-bacterial forcefield
may 7, 2025, 4:39 pm • 4 0 • view
Sorry, I didn’t answer the first question. Shoulder and penis
may 7, 2025, 4:41 pm • 7 0 • view
Will you make it back home in time for your daughter's birthday party this evening, or tragically disappoint her this year also?
may 7, 2025, 5:07 am • 5 0 • view
I’m not allowed to see my daughter because I showed up to the delivery “smelling of alcohol” (because I had just been at work and had an open wound full of whiskey). I also tried to disinfect my wife (she was bleeding for god’s sake) so it’s supposedly my fault our little girl is an addict #wokeism
may 7, 2025, 3:57 pm • 8 0 • view
Did you get something for yer mum while you were out. Mother’s day is Sunday.
may 7, 2025, 5:31 am • 0 0 • view
I send mom a case of whiskey a year. She is 107 in spite of having been shot by firing squad in 1935. They put her body in a whiskey barrel and the fumes cleaned her wounds enough to keep her alive. I tell her, mom, get those wounds bandaged, she says “it would just shield the germs from whiskey.”
may 7, 2025, 3:16 pm • 2 0 • view
How are you not getting blood on your phone right now? Like smeared all over the place and yet the words aren’t all misspelled? You wouldn’t risk voice to text during an ongoing foot chase and there’s definitely blood all over your hands if you care enough about your wound to pour whiskey on it.
may 7, 2025, 5:32 am • 1 0 • view
I rinsed my thumbs with whiskey and am hiding behind a large crate. My enemies aren’t far but I need to give this whiskey time to soak into the center of the bleeding wound.. Once I feel the distinct sting that indicates a 100 percent sanitized wound, I will resume limp-running and spurting blood
may 7, 2025, 2:53 pm • 3 0 • view
Woulda been cooler if you used the muzzle of a recently fired pistol to type. The heat of being fired would sanitize and dry any liquids and I think the conductivity of the metal would work on the screen. Wielding akimbo pistols would let you type faster and you’d be ready if your pursuers caught up
may 7, 2025, 7:13 pm • 0 0 • view
Are you gonna do a rambo-esque through'n'through cauterizey job? You know, for extra disinfecty powers of clean?
may 7, 2025, 11:57 am • 0 0 • view
Unfortunately, every second counts, so there’s no time to cauterize, pack, sew, tourniquet or apply pressure to my huge wound. Those things can be done IF I survive. To survive I must do two things: run for my life and keep the wound 100 percent free of germs
may 7, 2025, 2:22 pm • 3 0 • view
But it looks so preeeettttyyyy 🎆 🥺
may 8, 2025, 9:09 am • 0 0 • view
What kind of health insurance do you have?
may 7, 2025, 4:04 am • 2 0 • view
Great question. I don’t know right now because I’m not close enough to bleeding to death so I’m still pouring painful things on my open wound while limp-running from captors but it’s next on my list to start shopping around for a new provider, right after a quick visit to Zillow (in case I live)
may 7, 2025, 4:25 am • 7 0 • view
How's the whiskey?
may 7, 2025, 6:50 am • 0 0 • view
As long as it keeps my wound 100 percent germ-free for the remainder of my escape, as far as I’m concerned, it’s top shelf!
may 7, 2025, 2:46 pm • 3 0 • view