"The adventures of Gollum between The Hobbit and LOTR": stupid. boring. a cheap money grab. Courtroom drama "Bereaved Beornling Families v Estate of B. Baggins Esq. (served current resident of Bag End, one S. Gamgee)": thought-provoking. gripping. also a cheap money grab.

Now I might be but of simple country lawyah, but isn't it true *Mayor* Gamgee, that not only are you the beneficiary of Mr. Baggins estate, you were an accomplice of Gollum? One might say you were *friendly* with him? It says here you offered him po-ta-toes?

Here's what this new movie wants to cover: Gollum mopes in a cave. Gollum leaves the cave, hates the Sun and the Moon Gollum, and I cannot emphasize this enough, EATS SOME BABIES Gollum goes to Mordor. Torture Gollum is set loose by Sauron, because Sauron loves mess.

Strider captures Gollum. Gollum is an asshole to Strider. Strider (Aragorn son of Arathorn, Elendil's Heir, the Dunedain, Estel hope of the West, Elessar Telecontar the Elfstone, Envinyatar) is kind of an asshole to Gollum, because, surprise the BABY EATING ASSHOLE is kind of a jerk. *ahem*

Strider (Aragorn son of Arathorn, Elendil's Heir, the Dunedain, Estel Hope of the West, Elessar Telecontar the Elfstone, Envinyatar) drops Gollum off with the (often pretty assholish) Wood-elves. Wood-elves decide that the BABY EATING ASSHOLE deserves better than dwarves, let him go play up a tree.

Sauron, who loves mess, gets a bunch of orcs to go rescue the BABY EATING ASSHOLE from a tree, then lets him go again so he can go be messy somewhere that's more entertaining to the Eye. The *drama*

I miss having Chris Tolkien in charge of the Estate