the sky is still so beautiful, and I know it will forever be the prettiest thing I've ever seen in my life.
ੈ✩‧₊˚ she/they ฅ^•ﻌ•^ฅ vent-ish account...? ੈ✩‧₊˚ ♡ 21 yo ♡ ITA / ENG ෆ╹ .̮ ╹ෆ ．．．lifestyle jirai 地雷 ♤ I'm nyx_____mm on ig and tapiokauwu on tumblr ♤ BPD • disordered eating • SH mentions (＾∇＾)ﾉ♪ ʰᵉʰᵉ
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the sky is still so beautiful, and I know it will forever be the prettiest thing I've ever seen in my life.
When I realized what I had become, it was already too late.
in the end, I became what I hate the most, and I can't forgive myself for it.
he's looking at me with such a cute smile... there, on my phone screen... he doesn't even know what the person he's staring at did...
Oh Mika... I'm hurting others, Mika. I'm hurting them. I'm killing them. I'm a monster, Mika. I'm nothing but a terrifying monster.
"oshi-san"
Numbness, hopelessness, suicidal thoughts... and guilt. Overwhelming guilt. Unbearable guilt.
a monster... please, don't forgive me. You will only hurt yourself more.
I really wanted you to smile... I really wanted to give you happiness... what have I done...? I'm a monster... I'm nothing but a monster.
it would be fine if I didn't literally traumatize my friends. I never wanted to hurt anyone, but I ended up doing it anyway... and I can't go back. I can't undo all that. I can't give them back their mental health. I feel numb and suicidal; I can't forgive myself, I have to die with this guilt.
I can't even manage one account, I can't consider having one more... this is all useless, I don't even feel like posting anything anymore... I'm not hungry, I'm not sleepy, I'm not feeling anything except for guilt right now... I don't even want to sing anymore...
I don't deserve them if all I can do is hurt them. Loved ones deserve to be happy, to smile.
the fact that my SA trauma is linked to my past recovery attempts has contributed so much to my loss of faith in getting better through medication and therapy... and ofc also to my fear of trusting mental health professionals
I can't help but think that I should've killed myself last night, but... I'm not doing it. For khi and all the other people who got worried. I'll keep the suicidal thoughts under control. This is all I can do to make sure I don't hurt anyone atm
I'm not gonna delete the account, but I'll stop using it. I'll just let it fade away and slowly be forgotten.
I think I may stop using bsky. I probably scared a lot of people and hurt them and... I don't want to do this. I can't have a vent account if it means I'm causing pain to others... and honestly, I don't think I deserve friends or even just mutuals or followers.
maybe I should have just killed myself... but I don't want to hurt even more people
I almost attempted because I can't forgive myself for hurting the most important people in my life... it's okay. even if I probably won't move on, they will. I know they will. I'll try to get help and get medicated, but I can't risk hurting them even more... that's why I'll say goodbye I love you <3
I'm sorry... I'm sorry I'm sorry
I WANT TO THROW UP MY GUTS
where did all my energy go?
uhh... cried? wait it has to be positive... I... breathed...?
描くよ
(^_^) #jiraisky #jiraikei
❝ Our arms become entangled, entwined, as we dance Like ivy, like thorns, Rapture and regret Flooded our chests Assuring our mutual destruction ❞ /ly
❝ Your true thoughts Can no longer be spoken Your slender throat sewn shut Becoming a voice of silk thread ❞ /ly
❝ Breathing, consuming love Embracing it for only a moment Collapsing on the edge of insanity Remaining there for eternity Piled with wounds Vowing to the cross ❞ /ly
Acanthe my beloved Hermitage my beloved
❝ Neither sweet words nor a smile will work; if I start to run, I’ve become a beast I’ve thought about it as I wandered around under the moon, all night long "Which finger should I hold up to my nightmares?" ❞ /ly
❝ Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real There's just too much that time cannot erase ❞ /ly
oooh okay sorry I'm not doing too well so I got a little paranoid ^^;
it happened not too long ago, and I don't want to experience it again. This is just a general post, I'm writing it because I'm paranoid and scared of being seen as fake and heartless. Please, refrain from making hateful assumptions about me. I don't need to be hated more than I already am.
my smile might be fake at times, at least online, but my kindness has never been. I've never been kind to someone with ulterior motives or just to look nice. NEVER IN MY WHOLE LIFE. If you hate me, just block me. It hurts to find out that someone who you considered your friend actually hates you.
what does everyone know about my emotions? How can you say that you know how I feel just because you see me joke around with my oomfs? Do you think I'm such a fake person? Do you think I like to see others suffer and do what I do for fun? If that's your opinion of me, then you know nothing about me.
I feel like everyone believes that if I'm smiling, being kind to others or even joking around, I'm not hurt and my pain is just fake. I don't want my suffering to be a bother to other people, I can't cry and crash out under everyone's posts just because I'm depressed or angry.
good morning btw
nngaaaaah oshi-san... JE T'AIME 🗣️💐🇨🇵
語る芸術家 (Speaking Artist) Mika Kagehira
🍬💬 Nha~... Nnhanhan~...
waaaa so sweet andbsinaisnaja we love you too!!! ♡♡🍬🍬
people take any possible reason to hate others... that's really awful, stay safe 🫂💚🍬🍬🍬
that ship is adorable... omg based... omg...
I promise honey, I can feel your pain
thank you for showing us the Leo
Uchuu!! 🪐🔭🧡
Out of this world☺️
'Or what' huh? Or I'll throw you out, I'll dump you like the rubbish you are. Leave you out like a broken toy no one wants anymore.
Day40
he wants to knit mika a sweater and tuck him into bed with a kiss on the forehead so badly
of course i’ll hurt you. of course you’ll hurt me. we will hurt each other. but this is the very condition of existence. to become spring means accepting the risk of winter. to become presence means accepting the risk of absence.
waaaa I hope you feel better soon 🫂🍬🍬🍬🍬
☺️☺️🩵💙✨
💚🩵✨💙🪽🎀
mika asmr for eep www.youtube.com/watch?v=ij0I...
more mika for the good of the world 🩵💙🪽✨
goodnight~~ 🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫
omg hi Alice ...I don't care about myself but I need sleep to survive so Imma sleep~ it's gonna be a little less than 5 hours but it should be fine ^^ goodnight! thank ya for the kind words 🍬🍬
damn this sounds weird I don't have time for phrasing, it's 6am
I hope I don't wake up and find death threats and people that yell at me for no reason
okay okay time to sleep~
OMG THAT'S SO CUTE YOU CHANGED MY LIFE /pos THANK YOU VERY MUCH I NEED YOUTUBE TO CHANGE ITS NAME AND BECOME MIKATUBE
BASED.
okay 🫡
damn I need a Shu too
wait Mika that's relatable (I'm underweight • don't be like me • eat your damn food)
I will tell the future generations that this is Beyoncé
mika waist......
WE KNOW WHAT HE IS AAAAAAAAAAAAAA but I think we should let him do his evil little (and big) things because Mika privilege
gotta repost Galen's peak Mika posts before going to sleep (it's almost 6am lol I'm losing my mind)
mika waist...
mika in the background being the temptress he is 😭
imagine sleeping
felt icl
hE KNOWS WHAT HE'S DOING *slips, falls, dies, comes back to life* I'M TELLING YOU HE KNOWS WHAT HE'S DOIIIIIING
why does he look flirty
yes like when random old ladies stare at my sh scars and then proceed to ask me if I have cats at home without showing any sign of basic human respect and decency ...and no, my scars don't look like anything a cat would be able to make, so they clearly know what they're asking and implying
oh it's 5am... listening to My Immortal for an hour straight made me forget about the fact that I should probably try to sleep
🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹
it's giving "guuuuurrllllllllll purrrrr you're seeving cunt as always grr~ let's go slayyy" but also "hey bbg we should have a picnic and watch the clouds together while wearing pink dresses and cherry shaped hairpins"
my two moods fr
awesome lesbian couple evil and intimidating horse (that I still have to finish lol and it's funny because I started to shade Mika's dress but I still have to think about a cool design for Shu's outfit)
this may be tmi but my boobs are actually smaller than that... lol I accidentally betrayed my cute little boobies 3
what have I created but it did help a little icl
I ended up not drawing Mika lol
I approve
aaaaaaand now I'm getting depressed again
one day it will finally catch up to me...
"sleeping schedule"? more like "sleep the bare minimum to survive"
I'm tired because haha obviously I'm sleep deprived haha (5+ hours of sleep every day is definitely not enough, don't try it at home), but I can't sleep now... I don't want to... numbness is peaceful, but... I feel empty. I guess I'll sleep for max 6 hours tonight too...
yuri spotted.
I wanted to go to sleep earlier tonight tbh but well it's 3am
emotional numbness in the middle of the night? absolute peace.
emotional numbness is so peaceful...
Florian spotted.
was that too aggressive? I'm sorry
I'm feeling extremely numb right now... time to listen to Sei Shounen Yuugi I guess
we*
