Listening to my wife tell me about her day on 1.25x speed
Opinions are not my own. Send help! Just tryna be a silly billy. I do stand-up, improv, sketch, and I'm a professional game designer. My bangers feed: https://tinyurl.com/nm3kyaav My sketches here: https://youtube.com/@teamlaundry?si=ZWIzuYFi5jM7V7_T
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Listening to my wife tell me about her day on 1.25x speed
Proud to announce that I'm now Mrs. Beast! 💍
Perhaps spiders
Can they freely enter all of the mailboxes in the lobby?
Would a vampire just know that inherently, or would it have to study property maps and deeds first
Yeah, roommate dynamics come into play. Like labeling your food in the fridge
Ooh that counts. And kids are harder to trick with that
I'm on this team
Rules are rules!
The rent would be in scheckles
With 24 hour notice, he can get in anywhere!
Vampires love bureaucracy
It's settled
It's an implicit invite
It's tough to be a modern dracula. Though I guess they have time to study up on property law.
Mat! I mean, Bat!
I am now!!
"I'll wait for the landlord, blah"
You're really siding with dracula here
They could enter the building and just your apartment. Is there a window rule? Could dracula be a cat burglar freely?
Dracula hanging out near the washers acting shy
The super has to do the initial invite I guess
Ok what if it's a home that has several roommates. Would the vampire have to be invited into the home and then invited into each individual roommates room?
But what if you need a key to enter the complex, ie not public
If a vampire is invited into an apartment complex, can it just enter any apartment freely? Or must it also be invited into each individual door?
I contracted a smile so my doctor prescribed laughter. It was $1,780.
"Help us improve Google Maps" How 'bout you ask Gemini beeyotch
The only clap back I care about is when Donkey Kong does a forward smash
For someone who calls herself a people pleaser, very few people are actually pleased with me
Rewatched the movie Encino Man tonight. It holds up. Brendan Fraser's physical acting carries it though.
I'd fall in love with my manic pixie dream balls
I contracted a smile so my doctor prescribed laughter. It was $1,780.
I'm in
Like pick on someone your own size
Making it hard to triage
So, I did a thing... *reveals my wiener stuck in a contraption*
It's a 50 50 chance really
don't forget those accounts are The Thin Data—Corrupted Line (acab includes bot thirst traps)
Would that cause ear feedback
Tinnitus is extra fun today. If you put your ear up to my ear, you can hear the ocean…
Back in my day, kids didn't listen to Dua Lipa. All we could afford was Mono Lipa!
I love being a gatekeeper. "Who goes there?!" "I'd like to try a hobby please" "Begone!" Makes me feel good about myself.
Osterize me, captain!
The bot thirst trap accounts have gone woke
It's fair game
Brought to you by Disney
We're already past the steady rise of fascism. Now we are at the steady rise of resistance.
It's the final boss of don't obey in advance
Kinda serious question. We've all seen the videos of masked ICE goons stealing people off the street while all we can do is record. But if they're basically bounty hunter vigilantes, then can everyone just kick their ass in self-defense? Their only authority is their threat of violence.
Hurry up and take your turn please please please
welcome to the jungle, we got fun and games games are the main kind of fun, that this jungle contains Scrabble Trouble Mastermind, Uno and Yahtzee we got Don't Wake Daddy, sadly don't got batteries
"oops nope wait actually I fit in the other way"
“sometimes i feel like i just don’t fit in here.” - a USB port . probly .
On this day in history probably, the Pythagorean Theorem was invented maybe
On this day in history probably, the Pythagorean Theorem was invented maybe
Those darn doohickeys are so tempting!!
So, I did a thing... *reveals my wiener stuck in a contraption*
You gotta find the simple joys in life, like the suffering of your enemies
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If these alarming trends continue then very soon we're going to have full-blown trends
Introducing: The Birdhouse Cork! You know how the birds are always escaping out of that hole?
Ooh smart, mutual aid
Those are basically free. Except for the psychological toll.
Come here, Macaroni. And get your little brothers Scooby Doo and SpongeBob
It’s 2025 and naming your baby after your favorite pasta shape is empowering
My wife and I gotta budget tighter, so we limiting ourselves to only one extramarital orgy per month.
I don't believe in the manosphere. I'm a flat man-er
You've been carried by 3 Jesuses this week!
I hate myself, but the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I've no choice but to love myself.
You gotta find the simple joys in life, like the suffering of your enemies
The Lord replied, "The times when you have seen only one set of footprints, my child, is when you upgraded to Jesus Premium."
Crust Lovers Pizza™
It was "who up forgetting jokes?“
New Evidence Finds Titanic Passengers Continued Eating From Buffet As Ship Sank https://theonion.com/new-evidence-finds-titanic-passengers-continued-eating-1836407827/
AITA for wanting to scratch my (39m) cat's belly (4m) without getting bitten?
Still thinking of this one
The person who invented the video game joystick has disappeared, they down right up and left.
I wish my last name was an adjective, like Swift or Green or Kafkaesque
Computer, stop showing me ai shit
It's so easy to slip into negative self-talk. When I mess up, I'm too quick to make fun of myself. Instead, I need to take a breath and really think about how to best word the joke.
Klarna would be a beautiful name for a child that I have to sell to pay off my McDonald's debt
Asking for a friend; Does a bear shit in the woods?
"Only drink after the sun goes down" "It's five o'clock somewhere" "Day drinking" We can't sustain this exponential growth of how early to start drinking. Soon we'll be drinking yesterday!
Jesus had a midlife crisis at 16½
My cat is so dumb chasing after a fake mouse on a string. Anyway, time to go to work.
I made some latte art! I call this piece "beige circle".
Remember kids, if a stranger offers you drugs, it's okay to say "let me check with my wife first".
She says I don't do enough around the house, yet has she ever even ONCE thought about how there's always magically a cold LaCroix in the fridge for her??
Excited to announce my bank account has gone cashless
the cranberries “zombie” but harambe
Seems like everyone is acoustic these days
A guy that plays acoustic guitar but only knows how to bang on the side
Excited to announce my bank account has gone cashless
gotta build up those calluses
I don't know what millennial needs to hear this, but you don't love milfs, you just love women your age
And what's a friend but a stranger you know
Remember kids, if a stranger offers you drugs, it's okay to say "let me check with my wife first".
The cycle continues!!
I don't know what millennial needs to hear this, but you don't love milfs, you just love women your age
Millennials are killing the themselves industry