writer sometimes. clown always. she/her. me: https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:sdkxyw2r7xlx5kjhsolgagv6/feed/aaajln42r6efw funnier me 🤠: https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:xccx7ujmsaolft6ukd2oakkx/feed/aaaedsczl53cc
42,876 followers 532 following 34,452 posts
view profile on Bluesky 
When I was nine, my great-grandparents had a blind black pug who died in my arms. From that point, I always wanted one. That was my dream dog. The life event and memory caused a very odd connection that I couldn’t shake. It took over twenty years for that to happen, but he
the cutest pirate there ever was 💜
hey guys just so you know if the president is 30 minutes late we all get to go home and won't get in trouble
No, there is hope. I finally broke in shoes I bought three years ago.
lmaooo
FRIEND: I just love September in New York, it's so alive! the US Open and New York Fashion Week and...something else I'm forgetting ME: ...9/11???
THEY 🗣️
this is a great sign 🤞
check again
look at what they took from us
sexting my friend high-def photos of Costco combo pizza I found on the internet
Using no more than a teaspoon of liquid detergent
who up having the posture of a shrimp
omg name a more iconic duo you can't
because everything is fucking stupid and horrible and soul crushing and vile and depressing, I submit this photo of me meeting Weird Al Yankovic a few days ago after his show in LA
garlic has the chance to do the funniest thing ever
i’ve lost at least three Mental Health Points™️ already today
proselytizing is so embarrassing, like please believe everything i do or else you’re in big trouble
running up to mario cuomo with a slice of jesus' foreskin and taunting him
alright back to sleep, someone call me if they announce sister act 3’s release date today
yeah his fuckin' snoz
babe do u mean it 🥹
You haven't aged a day. You're a single celled organism, girl.
I was so bummed I couldn't see it before Cole finished their run, but this would be so so so good
trump is going to announce he's the one who shot jfk
my phone should say thank you when i charge it
can’t wait for his announcement to just be something like “my new secretary of the interior is toby from the office”
the 26.2 sticker on my car is for how many la croix i drink per day
asking the universe for a sign & yeah, that tracks
If you force your posts, you'll end up with a prolapse.
tag yourself, i'm BB T
pre-school core, i dig
As a remote worker I get dressed for work before bed
he’s dying on 9/11
would
a cool runnings remake starring chet hanks
people are studying graphs about Bluesky's numbers? do they know they have free will?
Oh you like fall? Name every leaf.
i bet mark cuban loves nate silver [derogatory]
flipping through browser tabs and open spreadsheets trying to piece together what i was working on before the long weekend like i'm guy pearce in memento
I WANT TO BE BABY I DON’T WANT TO BE ADULT
my falconer brought me this bullshit today and said it's a new kind of falcon. told him its clearly some other bird and he kept saying "it's a new falcon. it's a round falcon" and stuff like that. i dont want a round falcon man
teaching my children that in the event they become lost they can trust any adult with a tattoo of a hot dog
my dream job is working night shift alone in a small warm basement office monitoring a security system while machinery gently hums and clanks nearby
ChatGPDeez
are you sure? let me ask ChatGPeePee
oogh
Nobody saw it coming! Oooh, that Satan
Satan with the onside kick!!
need a prescription filled, should i go to CVASS or BALLgreen's
alexis i don't think these are reputable pharmacies
you're following the wrong people bc me and my buds we won't shut up about it
@thelouvreof.bsky.social i have a submission suggestion
every time someone publicly shits on bsky, Alf's hog only becomes more powerful
Touched some grass this week. It touched me back, then one thing led to another and long story short I think I might be going to seed
I think he forgot how to cat
I feel like the old woman who swallowed a fly was probably just attention seeking
the baby has stolen something but doesn’t have the language skills to tell me where she put it. this is bullshit. she’s laughing at me
Brushing my teeth for 28 minutes to get it out of the way for a week
a toilet that poops back
feeling bored, might complain that bluesky is dying later idk
I shouldn't have to know who this many people are. I am a thing of the damp, dark, subterranean caverns.
I said I was into resting. Not interesting
omg so cute
THE MCRIB IS BACK
nuh uh frances, I am officially bsky's bubbe
[licks thumb] come here you’ve got a little schmutz
Bajillion dollar idea: a maximum wage
he is king of unsolicited dick pics
do you remember the very first night of september
beans is where its at, people cannellini beans mung beans jelly beans kitty beans
it's literally glowing rn
every time someone publicly shits on bsky, Alf's hog only becomes more powerful
The worst people online hate this app for embarrassing reasons
Nate Silver mostly exists just to remind the rest of us to be grateful that we are not Nate Silver
you're "going alone"? should we leave the room???
this entire thread is about @ladyjimrockford.bsky.social
damn shots fired and they're all Malort
oh is someone being friggen cool as heck outside my window? 😎 right on
i love the unmistakable sound of a skateboard going down the street
midwesterners will not be happy about this comparison
i think nate silver is a made up thing, like euchre
you stop it right now; he is none of these things
[public bathroom] ME (calling into a stall): doing okay sweetie? 6YO NIECE: yeah it’s a good poop ME: what makes it a good poop 6YO NIECE: it didn’t happen in my pants
how do i explain to my kids two women being married?? how explain sun go away at night but come back next day? how explain magic rectangle show people talk??? HOW
(consulting Magic 8 Ball) so is it all the cocaine that makes you magic or
my union got me the day off so any post i make today will make me a scab, sorry friends
phil I cannot even begin
did you know you can crush eggshells to make plant food or that you can set yourself on fire
this is how they offset the losses from $1.50 hot dog
whatchu gonna do with all that bump, all that bump inside your trunk
[Giuliani's final breath] Tell my family I loved...9/11
lots of questions remain about giuliani’s accident, of course, but one thing of which we can be absolutely certain is that he was butt dialing a reporter at the time
the prophecy
so true bestie we have spoken!!!!!
shout out to @bornmiserable.bsky.social, you are a sunshine glue that keeps this shitposter boat afloat
the depths of hell ring with the sound of a million Costco carts rolling over the bumpy thing
