PS might mean flouting rather than flaunting
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PS might mean flouting rather than flaunting
So he’s in New Jersey then.
No fair using real headlines!
Hey, and she’ll get security protection in London and Toronto!
Well he IS an undocumented alien.
Leaping to the very top of the ever-lengthening “what were the OTHER names you considered?” list:
So which Fox News B-lister gets the CDC?
Don’t listen to the brain worm, Bobby. Or Cheryl.
That’s just from Melanie slapping his hand away.
Also her hands were bigger.
34 time convicted felon who is barred from operating a charity owing to stealing money from children with cancer who nevertheless held a fundraiser for veterans which didn’t is firing someone for mortgage irregularities? The Onion needs to step up its game; nobody’s going to believe this stuff.
I’ve got a barrel of liquid plumber in my garage. It took a long time and a lot of acid but he dissolved pretty good. Note: This is not true. We do not in fact have a garage.
That train has long left the station.
Since inventing the car, his work has really fallen off.
(Checks notes) So his boundless lawn care expertise teaches him that slavery was not bad? But not how to release the Epstein files?
SpeeDee, I’m just not into you like that.
The list of things Donald Trump does not realize cannot be contained in the Library of Congress.
No worries of attacks from brain eating zombies anyway.
Not to mention he and his grandfather both engaging in white slavery.
Bill Murray’s wig game has really gone to hell.
Counteroffer that Russian name reverts to Kievan Rus and Zelenskyy is tsar.
Trump is telling the truth that people with tears in their eyes address him as sir but neglects to mention that the only times this happened, the next thing they said was, “Please don’t make me do that, I’m only 12.”
No one should ever write a post that ends, “Who agrees?”! Who agrees?
She may never be governor of Arkansas but her career in standup comedy is a sure bet.
That chyron should cost them another $787M.
Couldn’t find the show we wanted on the PBS app so we had to search. “The Search function is brought to you by a generous contribution from the John D. and Catherine T. McArthur Foundation … and viewers like you.”
Working hard at the Ministry of Truth.
And Ohio national guard has such a fine record of dealing with peaceful protesters.
They are going to DOUBLE cut NPR’s funding.
But do big strong men with tears in their eyes approach you on the street to say, “Sir, that was the best Week In Stupid ever!”?
I think a greased slide to H-E-double-toothpicks counts.
A shit summit, but hey, he hung onto that unbroken string of Kremlin Employee of the Month awards.
“In Russian, please. The boss is here.”
“‘E used sarcasm.”
OR GAVIN NEWSOM’S PRESS OFFICE! THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER! (I took some Wharton classes, too, but I passed mine without paying anyone to take my tests for me.)
Her underage bodyguard whom she trafficked across state and national borders? No? Not interested, none of my business.
He just needs 11000 votes!
“Thank you for your attention to this matter” is the entire sum of all he learned at Wharton.
Well it’s that, being on Fox News, or looking like Ivanka.
“Sure I bind torture kill, but I draw the line at what HE did.” — BTK. “Cult of personality, sure, but January 6th was way out of line.” — Ghost of Charlie Manson. “You mean you can do this without you and your followers dying?” — Ghost of Jim Jones.
Because why pick someone qualified when you can pick someone who reminds you of your daughter. Liberty or Regent?
And he’s an anchor baby; ICE should tote him off.
And here I was thinking he’s a billionaire who didn’t need the money.
And for free, he tells us where and when the pee tape happened. “You remind me of my daughter, tovarich!”
2/2. and the highly macho and completely heterosexual ICE agents Bert and Ernie. And the hit song, All Four Things Are Just Like The Others. SesaMAGA Street is brought to you by the letters F and U.
I’m really looking forward to the programs underwritten by the Corporation For Trumpic Broadcasting, especially SesaMAGA Street featuring Oscar the highly xenophobic grouch, Big Larry Bird, the Lorna Doone Cookie Monster, Mr. YouRemindMeOfMyDaughteragus 1/2
A pessimist says what a shame how many millions of Americans have fallen for Donald Trump’s third rate snake oil salesman act. An optimist marvels at how many times we can sell them the Brooklyn Bridge.
King Charles be like, “Thanks, no thanks! I remember the Pope. AND I have young sofas!”
Eye shadow game already strong though
Somebody might defraud Medicare for billions, say.
Adversely, unless they feature interplanetary rocket launch pads.
So have they started the Reichstag fire yet?
I hope they catch that 34 times convicted felon inexplicably at large at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
See? I’ve got clean sheets and it’s still the year 2023!
It annoys me that my dreams are so much more imaginative than my writing. And now where am I going to get a flying bicycle?
Forgot stole Stephen Miller’s even more morally repugnant wife.
Pritzker can afford it
“Some men look at the world as it is and say why; I think of things that have never been and say, what’s taking Sirhan Sirhan Jr. so fucking long?”
Big White Larry Bird, Oscar the Xenophobe Grouch, Oatmeal Cookie Monster, Bert & Ernie, the macho and completely heterosexual ICE agents…
Somehow “I airfried the jackfruit” sounds very early William Gibson.
I was too late for Garanimals but need Garanimals for Grownups. Or did before I was married.
Considering our rapid decline into fascism and autocracy, we might want to consider organizing into non-political sounding resistance groups. Madame LaFarge‘s Knitting Circle, say.
LETTERS TO THE EDITOR OF SUCH FIRMNESS YOU COULD BARELY BELIEVE
Your work here is done.
I think there may be one about bearing false witness that the former Trump press secretary might want to read up on.
The ghost of Walter Becker? Absolutely!
So did he pass the Diddler On The Roof audition or what?
I sure hope Jake Tapper is taking voluminous notes.
Count. The. Fingers.
Looking for where he hid Fred Jr.’s toys
It has a wonderful Mort Drucker quality.
It sucks that in an insane world, the people who get ahead are the ones who adapt to insanity
Are the trains running on time at least?
“The jobs numbers are very unfair to me!”
You’d think the richest man in the world could find an easier way to meet Katie Miller than buying an election to install a rapist Nazi drooling imbecile in the White House. Northern Virginia Klan meeting, say. Or the social media platform he owns, which is more or less the same thing.
The Gulf of Surrender Donald T
Or, you know, Anonymous. Hey guys, maybe take off the stupid masks and actually DO something.
A tsunami from Russia? Quick! Make it president!
Well sure he’s a rapist, traitor, deadbeat, racist, peeping tom, vulgarian, cheater, imbecile, fraudster, serial bankrupt, inept, vindictive shitweasel but can somebody at least show him how to tie a tie?
I always thought I was quite youthful looking until people started asking me what God was like as a kid.
Well OBVIOUSLY. “Do you think we might get a national forest named after us someday?”
Now that Trump and Elon have completely devalued my Penn degree, I’m printing up Property of Persistent Vegetative State sweatshirts.
And by the alleged president’s alleged attorney?
The suspense is killing me.
He lies so often and so glibly that his supporters decide that no sane person would lie so much so he must be telling the truth instead of drawing the obvious and correct inference that this is no sane man.
But thank goodness they’ll have a monitor for bias overlooking the news division! Walter Cronkite spins in his grave while Goebbels in hell cheers.
My sunscreen says it’s cruelty-free. But what about all those poor little UV rays thwarted in their life ambition to give me skin cancer?
Publix has a self service coin counter. The display just says, “Don’t you know what self service means? GET COUNTING!”
“I’m thrilled that I’m getting early release but why is my first meeting with my parole officer at the Saudi consulate in Istanbul?”
Note to Democratic leadership: “I have not yet begun to fight!” is a wonderful declaration to rally your sailors in a battle you appear to be losing. It is not a political strategy.
You’re all that stood between us and President BTK (and you don’t want to know how long it took to come up with someone worse than Trump)
Want to see Colbert have Letterman on just so he can ask, “Do I HAVE to grow out the beard now?”
Given his fan base, it is unclear why Trump ran for president when he could have just sold meth instead. And then he could claim to be the Methiah.
Historians used to love to begin or end chapters with George III’s diary entry for July 4, 1776, “Nothing happened today,” but Trump has made King George correct after only 250 years. Trading one mad king for another.
I got The Late Show With Kevin Sorbo with Dr. Phil as sidekick and Kid Rock leading The World’s Least Dangerous Band.
I love Earl Grey, which must mean I prefer bergamot to tea. But more importantly, who’s going to be Alphy’s mum on the next series of Grantchester—you, Cleese, or Jennifer Saunders? C’mon, you can tell us!
Chelsea FC for US Supreme Court!
If you aren’t preaching love, acceptance and forgiveness, I don’t know what religion you are but it isn’t Christianity.
Trying to imagine what kind of sewer rat would serve as Bondi’s ethics advisor in the first place.
Branch out to AP Pitchbot