Plausible Life-Insurance Newlife Cashout Package

Full self cremating

Vaxxed?

Rivian — your loved ones will be able to identify you

Yeah. Cause you’ll arrive, safely. Rivians are without exception the best EV truck on the market. By a mile. …by a couple dozen miles, if the range testing numbers are accurate. 😁

Here is a full list of burnt Teslas. They burn on impact and trap passengers inside because door locks only work if battery works (and is not on fire). www.tesla-fire.com

Wtf, how? Does the cyber truck Transform into a completely closed blast furnace? How tf do you engineer something that bad

yep thats exactly it. lithium ion batteries burn extremely hot and volatile, and the truck is "apocalypse proof." bulletproof glass, heavy duty frame, stainless steel paneling which is also heavy and hard for machinery like jaws of life to pry through... no entry, no escape.

and yet, you can still slam the door to fucking hard and the inside fumbles apart 😂💖

Tesla doors also automatically lock when they lose power and Elon loves to hide the manual release for "aesthetics." So when because the battery catches fire and the power cuts, if you're still conscious you're stuck googling for the way out while breathing incredibly toxic smoke.

😬😬

I am pretty sure we could say "Apollo I" to the the CEO of this company and he'd have no idea what we're talking about.

You missed one important feature they bragged about when that one full of fireworks exploded outside of a Trump tower, that its designed to lock all doors if anything compromises its battery, so it literally locks you inside and incinerates you by design.

😭 im sure this is somewhere in the bible

deadass i wasnt 100% sure on that one and just typing it on my break LMAO but jesus CHRIST the fact that is a real feature is. what the actual fuck. the doors should be UNLOCKED IF IT LOSES POWER AT MINIMUM! THERE ARENT EVEN LOCKS TO PULL OPEN IN CASE THAT HAPPENS.

What I find horrifying is that this wasn't the first time this happened. it happened around New Year in NYC when a Cybertruck full of teens caught on fire, it locked them inside and the only reason ONE survived (3-4 didn't)is that a USPS worker ripped the door open with a crowbar from his vehicle.

yup. and the fact that musk specifically targeted any and all agencies that could challenge him via doge is just.. eugh. fuck. maybe we gotta give @cpsc.gov a huge rally of support and petitioning to get a case up against these things

(correction!!! it was a Canada Post carrier and the vehicle was a Tesla Model X that locked its passengers inside/had the windows unable to be broken until it took repeated hard hits with a crowbar) www.cp24.com/local/toront...

👍🏻

So basically if the government wanted to build a vehicle to kill Osama Bin Laden it would take five hundred years to build something that horrible, but Tesla achieved a death car by shoddy accident.

😳😢

Why would anyone be upset that a cybertruck driver was incinerated?

This is gross misinformation about Tesla's new Starship Launch Pad experience, the hottest ticket around.

If they mean celsius, there literally is no such thing as a 5000 degree combustion flame. The hottest burning substance known is carbon subnitride, whose flame temperature - e.g. *maximum possible* temperature - is 4988C. For "normal" substances, they're more like 2000C (~3600F).

In the real world, you don't actually hit the nominal flame temperatures. Combustion is imperfect and you lose a ton of heat to the environment. For example, the adiabatic flame temperature of wood is ~1900C, but a campfire is more like ~600C.

bsky.app/profile/nafn...

"jet fuel can't melt steel beams".

You seem confused about the problem with that statement. It's not about how hot jet fuel burns; it's that the twin towers didn't need to "melt"; the mechanical strength declined and could no longer bear the load.

I think what I am trying to get across : 1. The argument about temperatures about a burning item is vaguely silly, even if temperatures and exact measurements are truth, proving it happened in the news item is fairly difficult, so there is lots of room for debate.

I agree. It is silly. And yet we're in an entire thread about this silliness. And there is no "room for debate". It's silly. It didn't happen. It's like saying that the car exploded in a nuclear reaction. It makes anyone who says it and anyone who shares it look like a conspiracist moron.

Lithium-ion batteries burn at 700-1000°C (1300-1800°F). www.britsafe.org/safety-manag... You might *in an electric arc inside a cell* hit well higher temperatures, but that has nothing to do with the *flame temperature* outside the cell. And that heat falls dramatically with distance.

EV fires spread *slower* and reach *lower* peak temperatures than ICE vehicle fires. Which burn a giant tank full of a substance that was *literally chosen for how energetically it burns*. They're also far rarer than ICE vehicle files, despite the nonstop media coverage they get.

An ICE vehicle catches on fire *every three minutes* in the US. You hear about approximately 0% of them in the national news. But you probably hear about ~15% of EV fires in the national news, ~30% of Tesla fires, and near-100% of Cybertruck fires. It makes EVs wrongly "feel" dangerous.

2. Exactly your point - something being sufficiently damaged does not require a melting point being reached. .

This argument from you would argue that the car should have started collapsing at an *even lower temperature* than the already comparably-low temperature of stainless steel.

3. This random screencap looks like a news article, but it could be conspiracy theories and someone trying to stir up anger and frustration - in the same way that the quote stirs up anger and pits truth/angst/lies/inaccuracies of the situation against random Internet strangers

Where problem?

The Exploding Pinto of the 2020s.

At least he owned those libs

Wait the family didn’t want this guy incinerated? Cmon

proving damages will be the hard part but you do have to try for the best of al worlds. car gone, cybertruck owner gone, money out of elon's pocket.

Was thinkng the same thing

The Cybertruck at this point seems like mostly a way for women to escape unhappy marriages without the need for divorce

LOL - I'll be on guard if my wife suggest one

buying your husband a cybertruck is the new setting fire to his bed as he sleeps

An aqua tofana for the modern era.

normally you gotta pay for a cremation!

I mean, nobody ever asked the question, "Was this guy somebody that we really didn't need?"

Tesla: now offering cremation services.

X; the everything app

sounds woke

Caveat Emptor

I love a feelgood news story.

I really hope Rivian stays in business. Good looking cars.

All I'm gonna say is that I have a used Chevy Bolt and it cost a normal car price and runs great and I am not currently on fire

Impressive… it’s hard to generate that temperature in a non-laboratory setting…

Rivians look much better too bsky.app/profile/insa...

They sure do. That's a sharp looking truck.

much better than the 3rd-grader-trying-to-draw-a-delorean-from-memory look that the cybertruck has

When I see the Harvard Sq cybertruck, instead of flipping him off again I’ll just knock on the window and show him this.

Tesla the Burninator

@twaplus.bsky.social

Yep the swastikar is unsafe

So you're saying the bones are their money?

He simply wasn’t Based enough to handle the Cybertruck’s Epic Bacon Mode (it turns YOU into epic bacon)

TESLA RESPONDS “The TESLA driver merely experienced a rapid unscheduled disassembly.”

I only I could post a 2 minute long gif

"The Federal Highway Commission has ruled the Canyonero unsafe" But we're still gonna let Elon sell 'em, by Jingo. Caveat Emptor!

jfc that’s completely insane

Tesla always finding loopholes. First that thing where they disengage and autopilot just before the crash. Now poking a huge hole in habeas corpus.

Fucking hell I thought he had died in the crash but it sounds like he was alive and probably conscious when he was carbonised to death 😳

#Longtermism in action ☠️🔥🚘🔥☠️ Burning alive in a Tesla has also happened in Brandenburg, Germany (Two 18-year olds) www.handelsblatt.com/unternehmen/...

shit i thought it was 5000 degrees C and was like bruh that's almost the surface of the fucking sun

If any car can burn so hot it turns into plasma it's the Cybertruck.

Honestly he should just lean in and make a Cybertruck edition that *can* hit 5600C.

"The power of the sun at your fingertips"

*fart horn*

So thankful cybertrashtrucks get a govt contract. We own a fleet of those heaps.

This feature will arrive in 2026. As an expensive software update! ;)

It's also, like, not true. This is the guy's car. Stainless steel melts at ~1400C / ~2500F. Does this car look like a molten puddle to you? Sheehan was a drunk driver who was speeding dozens of mph above the speed limit and drove into a concrete culvert.

The plaintiff's attorney's hyperbole about how the bones "cracked" and the body was "8 inches shorter"... he is describing the act of exposing the body to a prolonged fire, not some magic superfire. 5000° doesn't "crack" bones, it doesn't even vaporize them, it converts them to plasma.

Or let me put it another way. A crematorium, which converts the entire body to ash (not merely "cracking bones"), operates at 760–980 °C (1,400–1,800 °F). The TL/DR is: * Protracted exposure to fire mangles bodies, news at 11! * There is no "magical superfire".

That was way too much effort

I write threads and I care about facts. 🤷‍♀️

Still kinda fucked up that tesla builds a cremation machine on wheels that can seal in and roast its passengers at a moments notice without a chance of escape.

Amusing story that confirms our priors >>> truth

he's also got a sex racetrack on mars where he keeps Lightning McQueen (for sex)

Kachow

Tesla defense - you can’t prove it was us if you can’t produce a body !

Man we used to have a regulatory state

Reminds me of 5 or 6 months ago, before I was banned from Twitter for reasons.

-M'am, I have a bad news and a good news -Start with the good news -You won't have to pay for cremation

"i ate the bones"

The Telsa Cybertruck feels like the second coming of the Pinto with this kind of bullshit.

in b4 some teslacel is like "ackshually skeletons decompose rather than melting"

Those protestors who burned all those tesla's without people in them were saving lives. That ain't vandalism, it's controlled detonation.

reminds me of this sketch youtu.be/tP4yX2rkpBc?...

Rivian probably has apples too.

“There’s no way to prevent this,” says only car maker with which this keeps happening.

this is actually based as hell, I love the idea of cybertruck owners being vaporized

"Causing bones to disintegrate" has to be up there in most immediately visceral injury imagery beside "hemicorpectomy" and "degloving"

(Let me guess: I really don't want to look that first one up, right?)

I first encountered that one in a Star Trek novel by @diane.dianeduane.com

Nor the second one is you don’t already know what it is, yeah.

I've spent enough time on woodworking/machinist forums to know what that one is. [Read and heed the warnings on your power tools folks, especially the stationary ones!]

Ooh, I hadn't thought about it in that context but that makes total sense. (I only know of it from animal husbandry.)

Machines that are meant to spin, or drive bits of metal through metal and wood at thousands of rpm are one of the (many) reasons OSHA and safety regulations exist. I am conflicted but am also curious about how this relates to animal husbandry. (Is it arm-length rubber gloves?)

Tangentally: this is why I love Sawstop as a concept and as a tablesaw brand created to display a working safety mechanism.

Yeah, about that... toolguyd.com/cpsc-sawstop...

Yeah, I saw that. Iirc, it was going to be a push to make sawstop mechanisms required, so people would stop losing fingers/hands to them. IIRC, Sawstop was going to relinquish their patents on the mechanism once the rule was implemented. www.cpsc.gov/About-CPSC/C... A loss to us all really.

Most of my knowledge/experiences are with pets and exotics (rather than farms/zoos/bigger critters), so the most common situation I've run into is with rodents (improperly grabbing a rat by the tail to pick it up, for example).

Gotcha.

Not a single one of these is a Wikipedia article you want to read late at night or while eating.

I appreciate the confirmation. ♥️

Welp… I googled it and I trigger my own self.

Pictured: starting your cyber truck

Reminds of that cheery heartwarming scene from Terminator 2 encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn...

On the bright side they won't have to pay for a cremation

It’s the remix to cremation Fire sweeping the nation

Truly, they should be paying Tesla for the cremation service.

Genuine, real world, thermal annihilation.

Maybe Elon was COOKIN with this design afterall

If they didn’t want him burned alive why’d they buy the mobile incinerator?

Very convincing.

Link?

The terrifying part is uhh... How did they identify it was the owner? You'd have to imagine they wouldn't declare someone dead so quickly after they presumably disappeared, so the family or somebody would've had to see this poor bastard get fucking atomized

They're gonna need a big urn

Maybe not offer self cleaning oven mode

Still not buying a Tesla 🚗

No, no, this is a banger tool if you need to disappear and get a new life. Just crash your Tesla, escape as it catches fire and nobody will suspect anything when they don't find... Oh, oh shit, the doors are automatically locked when you crash. Oh god, you are gonna die. I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.

If there was no evidence because of the fire, how do they know the Tesla owner didn't pull an Elvis or Tupac on his family?

regular death is fine, but bone disintegrating death? well, that’s grounds for a lawsuit

I once read a book (Caesar's Last Breath) where the author did the math on what it would take to atomize bone, and it's actually REALLY high. I think he said at least 200,000 calories of energy or something. Anyway, it was morbidly fascinating.

Yeah, like when they cremate people they usually have to grind the bones up because even cremation ovens aren’t hot enough to turn bones to ashes.

It’s the lack of grounds that was the problem. They were hoping to use his ground bones to feed the roses.

HUGE IF TRUE

It can’t be a coincidence that the brand which most appeals to divorced deadbeat dads is also the perfect machine to fake your own death in - you can’t prove they weren’t in the car if it melts bones

bsky.app/profile/jnxo...

That's crazy. YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO MELT BONES!

Whoa

Please excuse bugs in our new Funeral Procession Mode while it’s in beta

It just flashes lights while running red lights and children over

A bright side for the dumbasses who decided to open Tesla franchises in 2024– you might be able to offload some of those unsold rolling dumpsters as bespoke crematoriums.

Maybe it’s a design feature so there won’t be recoverable dna

He was incinerated to dust but was identified by his waifu body pillow which miraculously survived the inferno unscathed like a trailer park fire Bible.

Lmao the idea of an abstetos body pillow. That being said the only proper candidate for such a thing would by Pyro from team fortress 2

I saw this and legit exclaimed “WOW!!!”

Counterpoint slogan: Skeleton Melting gooooood

business idea: cybertruck funeral pyres

You think Musk - or his lawyers - chose to try this case? 🤔🤣🤣🤣

The story behind the $243 million dollar Tesla verdict. Tl;dr - the defense was shady af. Gift article: wapo.st/46dCoQI

I would say this is metal as hell but somehow Cybertrucks are so uncool just the mere mention of them can make the phrase “burned to death in a 5000 degree inferno causing bones to disintegrate” less badass.

if your bones are incinerated do you get out of mandatory skeleton army service

crematoritruck

I normally don't approve of western companies selling things in russia but I will make one exception

Yeah they will put them in a good use🔥🔥🔥

"Sublimated Bone Dust... Don't breathe this"

Real YouTube oldheads know

If there was a federal crime involved somehow, Dr. Temperance Brennan will be might put out.

If he built a personal relationship with Jesus then it wouldn't hurt as much.

CyberCrematorium

Elon is offering free cremation with each purchase of a Tesla