If I can be a super fucking asshole and speak out of turn (but only because this is something I'm desperately working on myself)... It'll probably be harder than something statisticable but a really beautiful goal would be super trying to love yourself at this weight and as the person you are now.
I know how fucking hard that is to do. Everyone has their own way in. It felt fucking impossible to me until something unlocked when I was fucking 37. But the idea it was impossible held me back as much as anything. I got up to 299.6 pounds while trying to lose weight. I'm down 28. it's... easy?
And that only happened because I let myself believe someone when they said they loved me, or thought I was cute, or said I was good at something. A shift after decades of desperately clawing and grabbing at anything resembling joy or esteem and nearly suffocating it trying feel *anything* positive.
and like a lot of super negative shit can come through when your mind quiets down. But believe me, if you let it find you, there will be real examples of deserved love and earned affirmation. All times people have told you you're talented, or chill, or inspiring, they live in you. And they too speak
So, yeah. I'm sorry if this was shit to read, but I only am writing because 1) I've sent random anonymous messages or mentions of admiration, but, like, at least here you can block me lol and 2) I FUCKING BELIEVE IN YOU. Unequivocally. If you do make this your next thing, it will be your next W
I wish I felt capable of this. It is the hardest thing in the world to me. I’ve felt some pretty severe self-hatred since I was about 9 or 10 years old and been to different kinds of therapists about it but I have not been able to overcome it. I get angry when people say nice things to me.
It is, without a doubt, not just the hardest thing in the world, but the scariest, and, sometimes, the loneliest. I've done the math on my life, I've had 5.5 "happy" years in the 26 I've been self-aware. Half were manic, so I'm not sure they count. The number only started going up again recently.
And I'm saying this (hopefully with enough human substance) in hopes you believe me when I say I am familiar with where you are. And maybe then you might believe me when I say what feels impossible can be done. It's just a process, not a binary transformation from self-loathing to something better.
I truly do not want to make you angry, and I do feel like a prick for barging into your space, so I will leave everything here. But I just do believe in you, Kim. I'm not sure what exactly would shake that at this point. Unstoppable force vs. an immovable object type shit. Nothing can be done lol