I hope in my advanced age I have someone other than a business partner and security detail caring for me. 😬

Right?

came here to say how pitiful it is to have notices given to business partner & hired staff, that is making me more empathetic about the expected next step: obvious nonsense that Scooby Doo & Shaggy would mock as incredible explanations for the crime of driving drunk

She's rumored to be a longtime romantic partner as well, Maria Ryan, so it may not be quite so grim.

I, too, would like my business partner credited before my medical provider

do we know for sure that his business partner and medical provider are not the same person?

The way it was written, I assumed it meant the same person. 🤔

Same here.

Mob etiquette.

Last November this guy was telling a judge he had no money, no car, begging poverty to avoid paying Ruby Freeman and Shay Moss the $146M defamation judgement he owed. Must have crashed a borrowed car.

I wonder, hypothetically, how much he had to drink.

bsky.app/profile/bren...

And not just because it is center-justified

Curious to know who else may have been in the car with him. Was he driving alone? Have a driver? Did the impact cause them to hit anything in front of them? Was he wearing a seatbelt? Airbag deployed? Why 1st mention a story about strangers who may have nothing to do with the event? Unless they do?

They forgot the part where he saved a kitten from a burning shed.

It sounds like a preemptive alibi.

“Mayor Giuliani had no idea the woman had COINCIDENTALLY been an intern in his office in 2020.”

Due to the deterioration of his eyesight he was unaware she was the same person he had previously employed. Also, his laptop containing his personal itinerary and email correspondence was in the car, and seems to have been ejected by the force of the crash.

Extremely weird man.

Please do not put in the fake newspaper that this is the worst cover story you ever heard

On the one hand, absolutely on the other hand do we really think he drives himself? Particularly if he has accompanying Security?

Indeed.

sometimes, the chaos afflicts villains

Yeah, stinks to high heaven.

Yeah, that first paragraph is entirely extraneous, and really only raises more questions than it answers

Was Giuliano rammed by the domestic violencer? That seems like the only plausible link.

Hookers are the answer.

Can't wait to find out what freaky shit he was getting into that led to this.

yeah, why not just start at Mayor was struck from behind at high speed

I’m guessing he was hit while pulling back onto the road, so they needed a good reason for him to be pulling off that wasn’t ‘had to puke after drinking too much.’

I was thinking the "car accident" might not have been the source of his injuries, but your version also sounds plausible.

Creating a hero complex for him? Will we find out if he was intoxicated?

Why indeed?

I just assume he ran from police and the cops rammed him off the road

Could be, I suppose.

because we want to imply that he was grievously injured while rescuing an innocent woman.

definitely why asking questions answered by the t-shirt problems

But the statement doesn't say that. It says he was injured later after he left the scene and was driving somewhere else.

Hence my use of the word imply.

yes. Which is why it’s extremely weird that he included that first part. Why else would be want to do that except to try and imply they were in some way linked

Probably trying to imply that it was the abuser of the damsel in distress

The pimp of the sex worker he was soliciting or had already met with

Because there's an injured woman and angry man who are going to tell a very different story about the accident and what led to it, so Rudy's trying to get his version out first.

I wanna hear that 911 call he supposedly made. I want to see records and logs and lots of verification.

Odds you hear a woman's voice in the background going "Rudy Giuliani, you son of a bitch!"

the only reason to mention it is because there IS a call, and this is to get out ahead of whatever actually happened.

because he needs to account for that woman's injuries in a way that puts her outside his car and makes him unaware of her line of work.

I hate that I can’t even think of another reason besides “this somehow might help him legally get out of paying in time or money for his past crimes. It’s always a “Chekov’s Random Note” with these weirdos.

Why are these people so bizarre? Not a normal bone in any of them….

Feels like a lie a little kid who hasn’t yet developed a theory of mind made up

Yeah I mean he wouldn't be alive if the events described actually happened

Tbf he was probably heavily drugged at the time, so it's not that surprising if it's a bit incoherent.

bsky.app/profile/silv...

maybe he was hitting on her then the husband rammed his car? who knows

weird on so. many. levels. what the actual fuck

Strong Eddie Murphy “I was just giving her a ride home” vibes

Absolutely not what happened according to NH police. They were responding to a DV incident on the other side of the highway when they saw the crash involving Giuliani.

the only statement authorized

Happy horseshit there.

Shortly after rescuing a kitty from a tree, and running into a burning fire at a convent, pulling 25 nuns out, I was in a vehicular accident.

This. It’s exactly this. However I do wonder if there was a woman & if so, what exactly this statement is trying to cover up. Either way, heroic acts are obvious bullshit.

This is the only statement I have authorized. Ever.

He was attacked by a broken window.

Definitely not a sex worker in the car

most sex workers have technically been domestic violence victims at SOME point in their lives. if not, (yes all men), many times

Funny, but not at all funny www.youtube.com/watch?v=t8SS...

Only he could go out like that.

Hahahahahahahahahahah

Borat will visit Rudy in the hospital to collect his sister's payment.

But it doesn't even say there was someone in the car

And he was blackout drunk.

And he definitely wasn't 2.5% BAC

Oh no, who would think such a thing?! 🤣

Is the sex worker ok

Yeah, who the fuck adds something like that to an announcement that they were injured in an *entirely unrelated* car accident!?!?

Giuliani’s incident report also has a similar ring to those “accidents” Russian oligarchs and politicians suffer after falling out of Putin’s favor.

And he definitely wasn't dui.

I hope the accident happened before she had to do anything with that creep. Imagine having to touch that guy and then being in a car accident. That must be a fucking nightmare.

It was the gel. bsky.app/profile/jool...

I literally read his statement and saw him trying to dine and dash on a worker while she's hanging out the window steering him into a tree or something.

This is the winner until Giuliani proves otherwise.

Weirdly this also happens to Rob Ford when he was holed up at his fake rehab

YES THANK YOU I WAS TRYING TO REMEMBER WHO HAD PLANTED A STORY LIKE THIS

This was an all time hilariously reported story, I'm gonna post about it

Iirc the cover story was he and the woman were going out for groceries because that’s definitely something Rob had done for himself once in his life and something they let you do at rehab

I love that I went to Wikipedia to figure out about this and I’m not sure which of the various Rob Ford controversies this one is tied to- a solid half dozen seem possible

Because his entire term was a fucking disaster…..

bsky.app/profile/crai...

Yeah, why do you even include that detail unless it's going to become important later when the full story/police report comes out...?

So are we going to find out that he was with a woman he didn’t want to be seen with and drove away as the police arrived on scene?

The police report makes it sound like he stopped to rubberneck and got hit....

Yes, possibly! They may have pulled back onto the expressway too slowly for the speed of the traffic. It's so weird that Giuliani's statement makes it sound like he was traveling alone.

I’ll believe it when they release the 911 call.

He’s rendered aid before…

Not very much aid though

The equivalent of “thoughts and prayers” really.

No wonder he crashed, he lay down to shift gears.

Did he stiff the sex worker (hit her and then threatened her) and she called her pimp to collect and Rudy drove off?

That didn't not happen.

need to see the 911 records

I was thinking they didn't say when the domestic violence occurred and sex workers could well be victims of it at some point.

oh my god that's 100% what it is, he was in the accident with someone

(just to be clear I'm mostly joking and waiting for information like everyone else, but the disconnected hero story makes more sense when a much younger woman is around)

And spending more words on the COMPLETLY UNREALATED 911 call than the accident. You can just picture it: Rudy in a car at night saving damsels... He's basically Batman.

To me it sounds like the driver of Rudy's vehicle was stopped on the freeway, then probably pulled out into a lane before picking up speed - or maybe without looking to see if cars were coming. This was the driver btw, Ted Goodman.: www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article...

One of the big red flags in interrogation is when the suspect will describe their day in excruciating details, until they get to the actual important event, and then it's a one sentence "and then this happened".

They left out the part where he helped Timmy and Lassie get that kid out of a well on his way to the car

"...business partner and medical provider..." So, not loved ones?

More like The Penguin

‘immediately rendered assistance’ wtf does this mean in that situation? calling 911, right? so…redundant statement. ok.

He's the penguin at this stage

😂 not who I want to rescue me

So that wasn't actually hair dye that was running down his face that time but more likely was shark repellent or something from his utility belt!

Giuliani rescued a litter of puppies and then an hour later…

Man can't make any statement without mentioning 911

I mean…you’re not wrong. 🙃

"A noun, a verb, and 9/11," one of Biden's sicker burns.

I made that into a limerick about the GOP candidates that year: Well there's Huckabee, anointed by heaven, And McCain, born in 1937? Mitt Romney's a putz, And Ron Paul's just plain nuts, Leaving Rudy: noun, verb, nine-eleven!

Holy shit that made my night

ha ha, good one!!

Haha, that’s great. [earnest clapping]

Ahhh, the good old days. When that was the worst the GOP had to offer

That sorta thing made me like Joe. He wasn't afraid to call bullshit.

This is perfection!

lol

Now that is funny 🙌

As Joe Biden said, every Giuliani sentence contains a noun, a verb and 9/11.

asdfghj

You win

Winning post right here

Take a bow sir

Underrated reply.

Winner

😂🤣😂🤣

Did he have to take his pants off to help the abused woman too?

Such an absolute slap in the face to the families go lost loved ones. I, too, survived 9/11. I was in California.

😆

*applause*

Too funny!!!

youtu.be/JhJxjUxxiAY?...

🤣🤣🤣 Only because, really oligarchs? What the fuck is wrong with you? You could literally be Batman.

"What the fuck is wrong with you" That's a question I ask the mirror everyday.

Really? It's not, what can I build to be Batman? You must not be an oligarch. 😁

Picking up a young lady… helping her or picking up a prostitute and having a spokesperson who has to explain why the girl was in the car with him and why he wasn’t wearing his seatbelts?

More like Ratman

Like another cousin of his, best case.

Now I can’t get that scene out of my head of that Sasha Baren Cohen movie he was in. Lol

Right? More likely story is that Gouhliani hired a toothless hooker. She was blowing him when his drunken ass crashed into a tree.

Hilarious 😂

A world according to garp penis accident too.

Definitely not drinking and driving either...

Got rear ended while out trying to get rear ended.

It was either a sex worker or Rudy was the domestic abuser. If it were a sex worker, you'd have to ask yourself, did they reenact the scene from Garp! They didn't say what bone he broke.

Four Seasons Good Samaritan

It sounds like the beginning of a Colombo episode, or maybe Law and Order, some plot, has yet to unfold.

They left off USA after New Hampshire 🙄 Also why does Rudy need security?

What was he doing with that woman like here in reality-world? Because that is a fucking cover up attempt and a lousy one at that 😁

Yes, weird. I hate to say that I was looking for a punchline. Something is up.

Also, extremely false, according to the report from local authorities. Ghouliani and his band of lunatics… so weird.

Or maybe it’s a perfectly normal statement for a Pervert Emergency.

Feel free to use “Pervert Emergency” in any headline or in America’s Finest Crossword Puzzle in your print edition, Mr. Onion.

I’m not clear on how the two incidents described relate to each other and yet they are presented as if they do.

He’s with a woman. Her husband finds out and threatens her. They drive off and are met by cops. She leaves and when Giuliani is hit by husband who has caught up

That was my thoughts too. Trying to get ahead of the story.

He can afford to hire security? He told the court he couldn't pay the defamation suit because he's poor. They are all such liars.

I also don't understand why it says only Rudy's business partner and medical provider were called to oversee his care, when he has two children.

The first incident explains why there was a prostitute in the car with him when the accident happened.

Gotta portray him as some valiant knight struck down in his prime lol

👇🏻

They can't be. Odd.

Can't wait for his explanation.

Total non sequitur, and utter bullshit.

I'm thinking the spousal abuser was pissed that Rudy interfered, sped after Rudy, and rear-ended his car as retribution.

The much, much, much more likely scenario is that Rudy saw a young lady being helped by state troopers on the opposite side of the highway, hit the brakes at high speed or told the driver to stop, and then got rear ended Trooper's statement made it clear that the accident happened on the other side

Apparently women approach cars for other reasons on the dusty streets of New Hampshire. Things that make you go, hmmm… 🤔

Perhaps we're supposed to infer that the accident was some kind of retaliation for intervening in the domestic violence incident? The whole thing is just weird.

It's a new thing he's doing: Unlikely good Samaritan deed followed by random accident. Next ... he'll lift a burning piano off some babies and the elderly ... followed by ... foul ball to the head! Then ... he'll win a dance-off to save an orphanage ... but later ... SHARK ATTACK!

😂🤣😂

Feels like a fictional encounter meant to distract from his coming from yet another long dinner with drinks.

He probably didn’t pay the prostitute who also probably can say he was high

Any report that does not explain why he wasn’t breathalyzed is probably bullshit.

They wanted to remind you that Rudy's a hero. They even got 9/11 (as 911) in the first graf.

He’s trying to distract from questions about his drunkenness with feigned heroism.

💯

Soliciting a prostitute is my guess about the first part.

Oh my god this is totally it!!

Yup.

Maybe smacking her around too

💯

Really good guess.

Have you no empathy? How come no concern for, you know, the car?

Can it be fixed?!?

yeah....

All this!👏

Definitely the same excuse i used when i was wasted and crashed my dad’s car.

Yes! And as part of an “Official Statement”.

Drunken PR attempt? It does sound like it's missing a lot of...uh, moving parts.

Not surprised that they managed to work 9/11 into the statement.

His business partner and medical provider are one and the same. No lie.

Yeah why the weird preamble

Probably fraud attempt. He’s in desperate need for money.

weird how?

I mean, my "business partner" is always showing up to the hospital to oversee my care too. Totally not weird at all.

I think it's referring to the first paragraph, in which the way it is worded seems unrelated to the car crash.

Like, did he pull onto the shoulder of the highway? Render assistance and then got back in the car and didn't check for oncoming traffic before trying to remerge up to speed? The phrasing isn't clear.

Exactly. Also-- how does he have enough money to still have a private medical provider and business partner?

I mean, why wouldn't he authorize any other statements, for one!

The first paragraph has nothing to do with anything and is clearly fabricated.

I like living in a normal country with normal leaders that do normal things

i guess it just seems like a normal thing to come from him; but i guess that’s just more telling of the kind of guy he is

Well known for rendering assistance.

Yes ....Ask Borat...

Standard Red Cross approved first aid- Step one: Unzip pants

Personally if I had a serious medical incident it wouldn't be my business partner acting as next of kin.

The red flag for me is the stopping seems to be unrelated to the accident. It's intimated they are connected occurances, but the actual language tells me they were two discreet events.

Yeah he definitely was involved in the events leading to him "saving the day"

all his statement is missing is the line: “and everyone clapped”

Totally. Feels like they’re going for, “as we all suspected, Mayor Giuliani is essentially Batman. He was struck by evildoers while fleeing the scene of his latest otherwise-anonymous rescue. He sustained serious injuries. Batmobile is undergoing repairs, and its current status is unknown.”

Yep. Has all the stink of "getting ahead of the story."

Fargo shit.

I feel like it was drunk driving and they crafted the entire first part to have us think, “damn, what a good guy.”

youtu.be/3ncYE1fvhtc?...

It’s the Four Seasons Total Landscaping of statements.

Also, the woman was cold, and that's why he had selflessly taken his pants off to give to her before the accident

Yeah. The whole “rendering aid” part seems like an unnecessary detail. So now it has me wondering lol

Laying the foundation for a cover-up of SOMETHING, if you ask me

i doubt he'll get the same treatment that 'Big Ballz' got

His business partner? How is he overseeing his health care? No mention of family. Why mention the first incident unless trying to "prove" that he wasn't drunk driving? 100% weird.

Maybe he was sober but looking for company, thought he hit the jackpot, except when they got out onto the highway she pulls out a weapon, he slams on the brakes, and a car plows into them. Gotta explain who the lady in the car is, avoiding the headline 'Giuliani robbed by streetwalker in car crash'.

Valiant to the end?

Cheating with a married woman.

Did his cousin remarry?

Rudy: "Incest is best, my pal Donald fantasizes about having sex with a very, very young Ivanka." I worked a few blocks from City Hall when Rudy was mayor. A friend used to work in City Hall, he told me Rudy would get BJs there (the woman was rewarded with a high paying city job).

NYPD told Rudy not to put the emergency command center in 7 World Trade Center prior to 9/11 (because the World Trade Center was bombed before). Giuliani put it in 7 WTC anyway and used the command center for trysts with his then mistress, Ms. Nathan. www.nytimes.com/2008/01/26/u...

Didn’t he ignore warnings of an FBI agent, expert of Al Queda who was killed on 9/11?

Possible, but euwww.

Normally a beloved family member would be notified first. Maybe no one in his family (including children) love him.

Very. He "saves" someone then has an accident!? What are they trying to get ahead of

So he sat in his car helping a domestic violence victim. I most certainly would think someone HELPING a victim wouldn’t go sit in car. He probably was intoxicated. He’s an alcoholic.

Trying to figure out what statement part A has to do with statement part B. Are they trying to say that the domestic abuser got mad afterward and rammed the car? 🤔

Me too. It doesn't say whether he was the driver either.

Maybe they're trying to put Rudy in a good light before some horrible additional info surfaces? "Your Honor, I had just left my shift volunteering at the soup kitchen and had helped an old blind woman cross the street, as I do--" "Please skip forward to the part where you kick the dog."

Will the Onion get the scoop on the body cam footage? 📹

The domestic abuse victim:

imagine being a woman running from domestic violence and the car you manage to flag down has Rudy Fucking Giuliani inside it

This could be the plot of a horror movie.

IF TRUE

What are the chances?

"sir! sir! please stop! please! Oh. Um. It's ok man I'll just get the next one"

Perfect cover for Giuliani. As so many of us call for this 'incident' to be proven, he'll say he's protecting her identity and can't release her name. Everyone remember he sued a young man a few years ago for slapping him on the back in a friendly gesture and causing Giuliani "extreme back pain."

This literally made me lol

If that were even possibly true, it would be so tragic.

This is a cruel world, but not that cruel.

Nothing to see here... /sarcasm > fishy as fuck

The last sentence seals it. There's not a single word of this that's true.

My statement is raising questions not really answered by my statement

gonna be one helluva 911 recording.

I’ll say!

His business partner Max Bialystock has been alerted.

Almost like subtle victim blaming. Like when a man blames a woman for him hitting her.

or the woman was a decoy for the people who wanted him dead. Doesn’t sound like an accident, it sounds like a failed hit job.

Sex worker in the car, pretty sure that's the code here.

🎯

Makes me think there’s gonna be a lot of “why wasn’t he wearing pants” this? And “why was his BAC .22” that?

How'd that tree get embedded in his trunk?

Who hasn’t had to call their business partner/medical provider after being hit while driving on the highway after having rendered aid and called 911 for a domestic violence incident you definitely were in no way involved in except for when the woman flagged you down for help…

Giuliani should probably get a tshirt that explains all this

What does the second graf have to do with anything at all?

Were they trying to imply the 2 things were related? Like the DV perp came after him & rammed his car? Were they were going for some kind of innuendo of malevolence?

Explaining why the lady he barely knows has the long history of sex work someone with any reporting skills might someday discover.

Borat had him on a bed trying to unzip, on film, what - a decade ago now? Why else is the character mentioned, we should name her Chekov.

Yeah, until we learn more, I have to go with paid road head gone awry, or run down by pimp after beating and stiffing sex worker.