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The former Conservative MP for Dorset East.🇬🇧
28,158 followers 89 following 496 posts
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Great news! President Trump has ended speculation about his poor health by making his first public appearance in over 5 days… 🇺🇸
Transfer Deadline Day NEWS! Angela Rayner, 2 Pads➡️3 Pads Nigel Farage, Reform➡️Germany 1939 Liz Truss, Lettuce➡️Bananas Chaka Demus, Pliers➡️Chisel Michelle Mone staying put. Daily Telegraph, Newspaper➡️Toilet Paper Rylan, ITV➡️GB News Prince Andrew, Royal Family➡️Royle Family.
‘It’s from Nigel. He’s sent me a photo of his special guest speaker at the Reform Party Conference next week…’
🏴🏴🏴🏴🏴🏴🏴🏴🏴🏴🏴🏴🏴🏴🏴🏴🏴🏴🏴🏴🏴🏴🏴🏴🏴🏴🏴🏴🏴🏴🏴🏴🏴🏴🏴🏴🏴🏴🏴 My wife Bunty is suggesting I may have some issues… 🏴🏴🏴🏴🏴🏴🏴🏴🏴🏴🏴🏴🏴🏴🏴🏴🏴🏴🏴🏴🏴🏴🏴🏴🏴🏴🏴🏴🏴🏴🏴🏴🏴🏴🏴🏴🏴🏴🏴
FAO Tony Robinson Reform Darren Grime Dan Wooden Flip Flop Rupert Low Richard Tights Izzy in Dubai etc etc You have accused me of Not being patriotic. I hope my photo below shows how bloody patriotic I am!!! 😡🏴🏴🏴
bsky.app/profile/sirm...
bsky.app/profile/sirm...
This Rylan chap? Does he live in Dubai as well? 🤔
Please think of us your betters. Firstly we are losing our public schools as more & more close. Now we are losing our Nannies as many are so expensive only billionaire wrap singers & Angela Rayner can afford them. Jacob Rees-Mogg where are you? This is a NATIONAL CRISIS! 😥
‘Look Daddy! I can see some fat bloke with a fag in his mouth painting a St George’s Cross on a mini roundabout down there…’
Bunty & I were at Nick’s do. Bob Jenrick was on the door checking invitations & keeping out gatecrashers. Dan Wootton was the wedding photographer (he’ll blackmail us later) Lucy Connolly did the BBQ & burnt the meat. Later Darren Grimes entertained us with his famous sock trick.
Bunty & I received a special invitation yesterday. ‘You are both cordially invited to the annual Nigel Farage riots taking place this August 2025. RSVP Please dress appropriately.’ I’m thinking we look rather smart in anticipation of this soirée.
Being patriotic I’m adding to the flag count down here in the village. And Ramrod my beloved brown Lab is only too willing to help, being the patriotic dog he is. Between myself and Ramrod I think we’re doing a jolly good job! What do you think? 🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧
Benidorm: The last bastion of the British Empire. When you listen to these two you realise the sun never truly sets on our great empire and that God is an English man. P.S. Where are their bloody Union Jacks? 🇬🇧
Can I ask a question? And please forgive my ignorance…but is President Trump erm skibidi? 🤔
A Summer Poem B̲ronzed & tanned a burnished gold, O̲n his Summer holidays, R̲esting his sap filled conkers, I̲mbibibing merrily with teats on display, S̲paffing furiously on fungi stained sun loungers. 🇬🇧
I see Reform UK have been promoting their exclusive bloody football shirt everywhere. What they haven’t shown you is their away kit: 😙
If DJ Vance had come to our village pub we’d have: Given him free mascara. Offered him food,drink & moisture. He’d have tasted Jill’s famous baps on a luxury sofa. He’d have danced with grans. His conker hairs captured in a bottle,would be kept as a relic in the village church.❤️
I’ve always said Reform have lacked intellectual heavyweights. Not anymore! Introducing Councillor Maxine and Andy. The Boycie & Marlene of the political world. You can ask them about asylum seekers but don’t test them on their four times table. Bosh! 🇬🇧
Jeremy I get a man to do that for me. I got three A’s of course you thicko.
There is something hugely satisfying in seeing Kemi pouring her creamy products over a stiff dry cone. 🥵 This is what our great nation wants! Incidentally how can Mel Stride be both inside & outside the ice cream booth at the same time? Call it Conservative magic! 🇬🇧
Dame Andrea Jenkyns is a HUGE asset to Reform. She was always an incisive Conservative MP admired by us all for her ability to clearly outline policy. Look at her here, superbly articulating Reform’s plans for asylum seekers in the UK to C4 Linekerist Christmas Guru-Murphy. 🤩
Rupert Lowe has spotted another boat full of illegal migrants in our waters… 🥺
When you bombard the high streets with Greggs… When you allow fully grown men to wear trainer socks… When you tolerate men baring their teats in public… When you approve of tight leggings, threesomes, tattoos and Crocs… This is what you end up with: 😳
Rupert Lowe has a history of wrongly identifying others as illegal migrants including the following: Jesus The Royal Navy P&O Tom Daly Thunderbird 4 The RNLI Adam Peaty Horatio Nelson Henley Regatta Sir Francis Drake Ursula Andress Rosie & Jim Fishes Chaka Demus & Pliers. 🥺
In the recent 14 years of Conservative government I can’t think of any Tory minister who had to resign like this. We may have made mistakes in those 14 years but our ministers were always honest, caring & dedicated to serving the nation. We never indulged in such sleaze! 🇬🇧
Some politicians blur the line between satire and reality. @sirmichaeltake.bsky.social grabs that line, feeds it gin, and sends it on a team-building exercise with Nadine Dorries. I had the pleasure of interviewing Britain’s most fictional MP:
I’m back from my trip to Turkey after having had a few (ahem) procedures. Only one problem. I seem to be attracting millions of bloody moths. 😡
Bunty & I are off to Turkey for a few days to have some cosmetic jobs done. I’m having: A Brazilian butt lift, My teats botoxed & my shaft realigned. Bunty is getting her flaps lifted, her hillocks augmented & her cave reshaped. Will be back here Thursday looking beautiful! 🤩
Donald Trump is a Beatle if he’s in the Epstein files. And here are some of his greatest Beatle compositions: 🎶Hey Nude I Wanna Hold Your Gland I Am The Phallus Here Comes The Cum Then he went solo & recorded: My Teat Lord Penis and Mars Hand On The Bum🎵 Our Orange mop top!🎸
Congratulations GB News @GBNEWS! BARB ratings make you The UK’s number One News station for July. 🥳 I’ll never forget this hard hitting news story from a while back… It proved to me you really were a valuable credible & highly respected news channel.👏
“It’s from Daddy. He sends his love & says all is fine in Spain. He’s had to go on a little ‘holibob’ because a man accidentally ran into his hand at St Pancras Station the other day. He wants you both to be good children & if anything goes wrong to keep blaming it on the Muslims.”
Do listen! Apparently this passes for serious political analysis on the station Talk TV: A commentary by ‘reputable’ journalist Mike Graham. A man who also believes you can grow concrete… 😳🥺
Please! I urge all of you today to pray for the return of Nadine Dorries’ hair. 🙏🏻 This brave,thin,moist & herby woman does NOT deserve this. She served our country so well. She was our Joan of Arc Our Virgin Mary She must NOT become: Our Kojak Our Yul Brynner Our Matt Lucas. 😢
It was Brexit wot won it!!!!!! 🏴
This 79 year old man can swing! His stroke is second to none when getting his balls in a hole. He certainly loves getting birdies (young, underage ones). He seems to have a good grift on his shaft and particularly loves his wood. Welcome to the UK, President P̷u̷m̷p̷ Trump! 🇺🇸
After long talks Nadine Dorries & myself have formed a new party called: OUR PARTY. This will be your party too but not YOUR PARTY. Your Party is their party(Corbyn &pal). It is NOT OUR PARTY. Our Party could never be their party because it is our party & yours. Clear on that? 🇬🇧
So Donald Trump, President of The United States is allegedly on The Epstein List. This totally SHOCKED me. Never in a million years did I think Donald Trump was a member of The Beatles. 😳
I find this clip worrying. Imagine if this was your daughter or your wife? Behaving like this. In public. It terrified Ramrod our gentle natured brown Labrador. This sort of hysteria undermines all that is great about our country. What on earth happened to our stiff upper lip? 😡
Exclusive Tory front bench reshuffle news: Helen Whately: Shadow Minister for Numbers up to 9. James Cleverly: Shadow Minister for Spiking & Sh*tholes. Robert Jenrick: Shadow Superhero for River Dipping & Tube Ticketing. Therese Coffey: Shadow Chancellor for Cake in the Lords. 🇬🇧
#BBCLauraK BBC bosses are currently rebranding their ‘Sunday with Laura Kuenssberg’ programme. Ideas for a new name reflecting its current newsworthy content include: ‘Sunday with Nigel Farage’ ‘It ain’t half Nige mum!’ ‘24 Hours in Nigel Farage’ ‘Only Nige & Horses’ ‘Pointless.’
Where are they now? Part 42 of an occasional series. I genuinely have no idea where Thérèse Coffey is or what our beloved ‘Nana Terry’ is doing…but by George what a charismatic and compelling public speaker she was! 👍
Love this new photo of Queen Camilla. She looks moist, pliable & generally useful. You can almost sense her excitement & smell her herby odours. It’s as if she’s eaten a jelly based confectionary & is saying: ‘Look at me, I’ve wolfed down some grub & am ready for pumpy.’🇬🇧
I had a super injunction in bed last night. I made quite a mess. Thankfully my wife Bunty has washed the sheets and said nothing. Unfortunately I admit I leaked quite a lot. Please, please don’t let anyone know about this or my reputation will be ruined…😔
With the BBC sacking Jonty Rhodes & Gregg Wallace, Masterchef could do with new presenters who are both trusted & beyond reproach. How about super chef Gino D’Acampo & Phillip Schofield? Both are highly respected men and they were heroes to us during the Covid crisis. ❤️
Robert. There are more hygienic ways of going to the toilet… 🙈
All I can say is that here in the village my wife Bunty’s crevice is bone dry. And Jill in the village shop is complaining that her cavity is particularly arid. 🥺
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Gregg. My dear wife Bunty is most interested in your one to one coaching sessions. Her flaps have recently been lacking muscle tone. What she wants to know is will you be wearing underpants for these sessions or will you be suffering from autism? 🤔
So our Jake Berry a former Conservative Chairman has defected to Reform. Jake? This Jake? The chap arguing with Mr Hislop over the injustices done to the sub postmasters? Hmmmmm… What an absolute asset he’s going to be to Nigel & pals. Or should that be ass? 😊
Just spotted Fr Calvin Robinson enjoying a camping holiday on a site quite near us…
Andy Teat: My unmatched perspiration coupled with sheer infertility makes me a feared opponent in any realm of human excrement.
Do sing along! 🎶Here we come, walkin' down the street, We get the funniest looks from every one we meet. Hey, hey, we're the Tories and people say we Tory around. But we're too busy sniping so we can put everyone down!🎵😁
Claire, the Marxist nurse in the village, says she’s off to Cardiff tonight to watch Oasis. I just can’t see the appeal of this Mancunian heavy metal band led by yob brothers Gary & Phil Neville. They simply copy The Beatles, take drugs & fleece their fans with overpriced tickets.😡
Rachel Reeves weeping? Huh! 🤔 You’d never catch a Conservative Chancellor crying if they were in trouble. No sir! They’d simply go along to The Queen’s Funeral & have a bloody good laugh about it all!
What a WEAK & disastrous Prime Minister Keir Starmer has been. After last night’s welfare bill vote he doesn’t even have the respect of his own MPs. We need a PM like Boris Johnson. Bring him back! Even amongst other world leaders he was universally accepted as the BOSS! 🇬🇧💪
Jill has a bumper stock of cut price Donald Trump fragrances in the village shop. I bought a bottle yesterday. I immediately liked the subtle scent of sausage & chive. However later in the day I started talking gibberish, became incontinent & tried grabbing my wife Bunty’s crevice.😳
I seldom agree with the MP for Dubai but I totally endorse bringing back Wimbledon line judges. We also need to bring back: Spangles Jonathan Gullis My Bonnie to me Heavy petting Golden Grahams Phone boxes Shabba Ranks GPs Cold sores Briefcases Itching The cane Slacks Limahl. 🇬🇧
Just ❤️ this photo of Lee Anderson on holiday in Grease. You can almost smell his Doner kebab…
This is punk rocker Rod Stewart. After openly supporting Nigel Farage & Reform, I sense Rod is in for a HARD time at #Glastonbury tomorrow. Nearly all the Glasto audience are Conservatives & fans of Kemi & brave Bob Jenrick who recently confronted fare dodgers. I fear for you Rod!🤘🥺
My wife Bunty went to do some food shopping at M&S yesterday to be met by this monstrosity. What sandwiches next I wonder? Paper & Custard? Jizz & Pepper? Dust & Sponge? Chaka Demus & Pliers? Hair & Wood? Are M&S on drugs? THIS WOKE MARXIST NONSENSE MUST STOP! Sort it out Starmer! 😡
I’m sorry but President Trump must RESIGN!!!😡 What sort of example to young children is he showing by swearing & actually using the word f*ck. No Christian would do this. Joe Biden doesn’t swear Macron doesn’t swear Zelenskyy doesn’t swear. America hold your head in shame! 😔
Fanny Nugget (BBC Linekerist lackey) viciously bullies saintly Priti Patel by saying Defence spending fell by £10b over 14 years of Conservative govt. Watch Priti destroy her, proving why we Conservatives deserve so much credit for our time in power! 🇬🇧💪
Jill in the village shop has been baking a new carrot cake called The Bunker Buster to sell. It’s rather stodgy & tastes of yeast. Jill is worrying us. She’s been going round in a cap with MGGA on it (Make Gussage Great Again) & is threatening to invade nearby Wimborne St Giles. 🥺
Today Donald Trump joins Hitler, Genghis Khan & Napoleon Bonaparte as one of the great peacemakers of our time. Bravo Mr President! 👏🇺🇸
I’m not sure about Prince William’s official birthday photo. Look closely at his rather angry face. He is glaring at that young dog.🐶 It’s as if he’s saying to the innocent pup: ‘You better do as I say or I’m going to eat you, you little bastard!’😡
I see Boris Johnson’s alleged ex mistress Jennifer Arcuri seems to have fallen on hard times…🥺
Stood in a wheelie bin and now unable to speak proper English…🥺 Harry Kane needs rescuing from Germany. No wonder we got out of the EU!
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Labour You have had a WHOLE year to sort out: The economy The NHS Education Crime Migration Potholes Heatwaves Jeggings Manchester Utd Jeremy Clarkson Trainer socks Quinoa Moths What the actual f*ck have you been up to??? ONE WHOLE YEAR! And NONE of these problems solved. 😡
Where are they now? Part 49 of an occasional series. David Mellor, former Conservative Minister for National Heritage & Chelsea shirt wearing Casanova. David is currently pursuing a career as a lookalike for Esme Young, the judge on BBC’s ‘The Great British Sewing Bee.’
Here are ABBA (Annie,Bernard,Brian & Anita). My wife Bunty put on one of their records last night, ‘Chickeneater.’ As we danced I thought those were the days: No vapes No internet Everyone was a virgin No swearing No trainer socks Lots of Bovril. And you know what? We were happy.
America This is your king: Ripe teats Soiled crevices And leaking pipe work. Loose unfolded conkers stroke his pale knees. A large amalgam of porridge & custard sloshes inside his chive scented underpants. He gurgles. America He is your Dad. Feel proud. Happy Father’s Day! 🇺🇸
Bunty & I are off on a short break to a luxury hotel & spa for a few days. Bunty is hoping to get a good rolfing & get her mounds cupped. She’s also booked an Indian flap massage. I’m just looking forward to a good old phalange rub & a happy ending. See you back here on Sunday!😊
This makes me SICK to the core! 🤬 How bloody dare he… This blatant promotion of millefeuille by a smug so called socialist whilst ordinary people have lost their sausages to the EU is DESPICABLE . No wonder this country is falling apart. 😡
I see GB News is now using pantomime dame Christopher Biggins as a political analyst.😳 What next? Ant & Dec to debate banning the burqa? Bradley Walsh to solve the Gaza crisis? Alison Hammond to analyse Rachel Reeves’ spending review? Katie Price to discuss NHS funding? 🥺
As I’m buying my beef, Len our village butcher accosts me. He’s been to a Reform meeting last night. Afterwards they apparently went to a pub & had a drink. ‘Us Reform lads & lasses know how to let our hair down’ Len garbles as he shows me the evidence: 😧
Elon Musk & Donald Trump’s bitter feud. It reminds me of when Paul McCartney split with John Lennon & left the Bay City Rollers. When Judas broke up with Jesus When Pliers left Chaka Demus We need Elon & Trump to get back together again. They are our last hope for world peace. 😔
If Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s baby had been born in Britain: 🇬🇧
Just look! As Keir Starmer cosies up to the EU, British citizens are being treated like dirt by foreigners. Whilst on holidays poor Susan Edwards was discriminated against & humiliated due to CULINARY BULLYING. This would never have happened in Boris’s day. SORT IT OUT STARMER!😡
Here’s some exclusive film from yesterday as the head of Reform’s DOGE unit met employees from Kent County Council…😬
Jill in the shop, my wife Bunty & my good self have become our village’s DOGE unit. So far we have cut out: Tourists from Leeds Men in trackies All forms of jegging Cyclists Vegans Simple Sally’s job in the village shop Role play Shabba Ranks Crocs Country music Lynx deodorants.
Yesterday morning I came across this rather shabby strange man in a lift. He kept babbling away about fat people and Victorian lifts. It was, to put it mildly, rather sad. Does anyone know who this poor chap is? He probably just needs a nice cup of tea and someone to talk to.😔
Just been chatting to my old pal Robert Jenrick. I’m beginning to believe that the recent publicity might have gone to his head a little bit…🤔
These young guys rock. They’re slay They’re dope They’re lit They’re virgin and they’re young Conservatives. They don’t need the obscene wrap music of Irish band The Kneecaps. All they need is a pint, a chat & a chance to rule us. So bloody loveable. ❤️
Len the extremist right wing butcher in our village is delighted. Tommy Robinson has been released from prison. Len is proudly showing customers photos of Tommy being reunited with his family. That’s Tommy (top left). 🇬🇧
Incredible news from Lincolnshire Council, newly taken over by Reform. The councillor in charge of finance & resources is thinking of defecting to UKIP. Has Dame Andrea been informed? 😧
My wife Bunty and I had Nadine Dorries over for tea yesterday. We had a lovely time. Nads was great company and as you can tell from my photo she is looking more healthy and relaxed than she has ever done. ❤️
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