If your peninsula lasts for more than 4 hours...
Former sports writer, now designer and coder. Lover of animals. Only have 1 team #goducks. Amateur wiseguy. Divorced, unemployed and more than a little battered by the last 3 years. Hire me!
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If your peninsula lasts for more than 4 hours...
For those of you who don’t like to open links or don’t have instagram. I downloaded the video for you. If you haven’t heard about this guy before don’t scroll past it, his name is Jesse Welles. I promise you won’t be disappointed. #jessewelles #wellesmusic #thekaelosproject #kaelos #wordshaveweight
I have resources I can lean on. I'll probably be eating cat food in 15 years, but things could be so much worse. I have a feeling a lot of uninitiated white folks are seeing how brutal our society is.
I'm white, male, didn't come from money. I had advantages like good primary education, very affordable secondary education, whiteness, maleness. I worked hard, made a solid lower-middle-class career. Now been laid off 3 times in past 3 years. Lost almost everything. I'm still lucky. 1/
And Black people have been oppressed by and killed by government in the US for a lot longer than any white people. We’re stunned to see this government now. But it’s not new. It’s just new to us.
Farting Seductively
I’m sorry I stopped in the middle of the walkway to check something. I wasn’t hugged as a child.
Now that I am home, here are my post-completion thoughts on the #Zcavengerhunt. First off: it was much more fun than I thought it would be, and that was largely due to how well it was organized, how it encouraged participants to talk to each other, and the spirit of the event.
Feisty Queen #cats #kittens #caturday
"Another six Etsy orders!" "Calm your tits, Barbara, I'm working as fast as I can."
Boxer Core
Some incredibly good news: One year ago this week, The Onion returned to print. In that one year, we’ve grown to the 13th largest print newspaper in the United States, just ahead of the Boston Globe, and growing fast. In short, it’s working. So… thank you. Thank you for helping save this thing.
The first two things are no problem. For the third, I'm gonna need a pair of recently-sharpened scissors, 54 Vogue magazines representing style of the past 40 years, a red bull, and a banana split. No cherries. You heard me. That ransom letter won't trace itself on your back, .
This is great advice. For most of my life, I let people tell me how to feel or I ignored warning signs because I wanted to be part of the group. I allowed myself to believe - and wanted to believe - those people were friends.
Our neighbors organized a different food truck every night. It was great get to know everybody
Shoot for both. Life is short
Smooth. Lol
You left out hip thrust.
In a couple of years, when all things in the world have rebranded, we will no longer know what things are called. We'll see an apple, forget what it's called now and emit a sound very similar to Tina Belcher's worried groan. Except groans are now called Breathy McSads.
A simple neck kiss can speed up the ATM transaction of the person ahead of you.
"Newsom’s threat to retaliate in kind is not a divisive attack on good governance. It is, instead, the only hope for democracy. Bipartisanship right now is appeasement. Democrats cannot and should not hide behind neutrality and fairness as MAGA incinerates the remaining tatters of our republic."
A new long-term study is out today that got covered by the NYT, absolutely destroying their own recent story about cash not helping poor kids. “This is easily the biggest impact on child survival that I’ve seen from an intervention that was designed to alleviate poverty." 45% ⬇️‼️ archive.ph/ct2o0
Mo knows it’s Mo day and says think before you speak
I remember reading a similar story regarding, 'Bring the hair dryer with you.' Whatever works for you doesn't have to be clinical and proper, it just needs to work and give you back QoL. benedante.blogspot.com/2016/12/the-...
I broke my hip chasing waterfalls
If pundits would like to talk about violence, a terrorist recently shot up the CDC and another assassinated Democratic officials in Minnesota but they sort of let both stories disappear Not as threatening as motorbikes in DC I know but maybe we could circle back?
Dear Acme. I believe there's been a shipping error.
The Lady and the Trump
Meta's AI chatbot with the voice and likeness of John Cena engaged in sexually explicit conversations with a 14 year old girl. deadline.com/2025/04/inst...
A million times yes to this thread. I have encountered so many liberals who seem to have subconsciously ceded that government is the problem and that taking care of the vulnerable is too expensive. I am proudly liberal.
When ex & I moved to Seattle, I was working nights. She began watching local news. LIVE ON LOCATION ANOTHER GRUESOME ASSAULT!!! It terrified her. I would calmly explain that the crimes happened nowhere near us, & low rates yada yada. If logic mattered we would be in a different timeline
On the up side, it would considerably hasten Darwinism.
At least we haven't gotten flying cars. Humans can barely handle sharing the road; thank God there aren't 20-something dudes texting and plowing into winged family cars overhead
When researchers gave mice unlimited cocaine, they forgot to eat and died. Must've been one hell of a party.
Monsters Inc., but the energy source is Sean Hannity bursting through the kitchen cabinets in suburban homes to remind white people to be afraid, giving them the dopamine needed to believe the unbelievable.
We used to point and laugh at the people depicted in these media "trend" stories. Now we're asked to treat them with credibility. Yet my attempts to publicly legitimize Pantsless Saturday end in handcuffs and crying.
You bought in an inflated market.
when you stare into the abyss and the abyss stares back at you because the abyss has to poop
Fake news until you can prove how many Arby's sandwiches you can get down your pants.
The Whom
I didn't even realize my petard was showing. Suddenly I was airborne, hoisted, with the petard wedgie of a lifetime.
Already sent my congrats on The Corridor. Just came here to say that pic in Lookout goes HARD. Which Reservoir Dog are you?
Dear Healthy People Not being able to work due Chronic iness is no holiday. * Let's trade places so l can be tired of working, instead of being tired of fighting my own painful body, the feelings of uselessness and the lack of needed income.
match(dot)com sends me at least 3 emails a day about getting "noticed" by women. I don't need a subscription to get noticed. I just take Pantless Saturday on the road.
Is that an order? When do I obey it?
Which is what everyone should do. I love it when the drivers who cut over too soon get pissed at those who actually follow traffic rules. Use all the lane until you can't! Let people zipper in.
U1
🎯
So much about our current national situation is explained by the fact that a substantial proportion of Americans truly believe that “feeling somewhat uncomfortable” is the same as being the victim of an actual crime
Things are happening! Nothing good.
it's pretty frustrating how republicans can just MADLIB with zero repercussions but the moment a dem MADLIB it's open season True
"You should do business with such people only if you have to..." www.nytimes.com/2025/08/10/o...
Considering every move this guy makes is in the hopes someone will think he's cool or funny, this is hilarious. Irony is that had he used his considerable wealth to feed or help unhoused citizens or schools right here this motherfucker could be one of the most well liked people in the country.
Agreed. I made it my ringtone. I mostly get calls from food delivery drivers.
A friend told me once that the long fading end of songs were important because DJs had to cue the next record. On a record player.
Yep
This is real I shit you not
Americans: "COVID WAS CREATED IN A CHINESE BIOWEAPONS LAB!" Also Americans:
Is this Emo Phillips?
The greatest circus act I’ve ever seen was the Canadian goose trainer. Before I saw that I had never comprehended how much blood a human body could hold, or how you could still hear someone screaming even after logic told you they were long dead and it was your own voice you were hearing.
Wait for it...😊 #dog #dogday #bluesky
I don't want to know anything anymore
The short timeline is: Summer 2000: Epstein "steals" Virginia Giuffre and turns her into a sex slave October 2002: Trump tells New York, "t is even said that he likes beautiful women as much as I do, and many of them are on the younger side." 1/2
I've been noticing I'm a shallow breather. I'm sure it's related to anxiety. I must consciously remember to breathe deeply.
Source: Strangest Facts via FB "Since adopting “Housing First” in 2008, Finland cut long-term homelessness by over 70% and saves about €15,000 per person annually—proving that unconditional housing and support can be both humane and cost-effective."💙
Cuts to public education.
My friends & I all bought matching loincloths and formed a paleolithic hunting tribe to combat the tyranny of our neighbors' robot lawnmowers
I'm not usually full of Jeff until 30.
That is so messed up. There is no such thing as a child Prostitute. That is the language of the perpetrators, the colonizers, the racists. That is what a rapist sez to try to weasel out of responsibility. Those children are victims and in no way responsible for what was done to them by adults
I exist.
Disability is not a moral failing It’s not something a person chooses, nor can they “try harder” out of it Most of us will experience disability at some point in our lives You can be born disabled, it can happen suddenly due to accident or illness or be the result of aging It’s a part of life
“banning pornography” is bad on its own but it is imperative that everyone understand that these people consider the very existence of queer people to be pornographic they consider the most chaste depiction of a queer relationship, or an openly trans person, to be porn and they want it banned
Lovely. RIveting. Thank you.
My "worrying" is a product of NEEDING to worry to survive. It's become subconscious and involuntary, and expands into any scenario I can imagine through infinity. I can pretend it's not there. I'm almost always pretending it's not there. "Letting go" is Dr. Oz level stupidity.
And that shit hangs with you.
Many Autistic people fall apart in social situations, but thrive on a stage in front of hundreds, talking about a subject they're passionate about. Many of us hate small-talk, but are great at deep, meaningful conversations. Many of us internalise powerful, deep emotions.
Sea lions are seals that are missing an electron
Serious professionals have done studies and experiments and have concluded a basic income and a roof over the head will transform lives - it costs society less to be generous and help people than it does to be hard hearted and penny pinching. You get a better outcome for less money with generosity
hey everyone! im gonna be at the barnes & noble in studio city today autographing books from 3pm until whenever security makes me stop and bans me from the store. come say hi!
Them: I've probably told you this story but *proceeds to tell story anyway* Me: *chuckles nervously* Ah yes, I remember this Them: *continues telling story* Me: *sobs internally, wonders if puncturing my ear drums would hurt* Them: *still telling story* Me: *jumps out window* Them: *still going*
Interviewer: tell us about any specific skills you will bring to this role Me:
i know i am late on this but is there more glaring example of the utter lack of agency the right wing is afforded where is the guest essay taking the right-wing family to task for being such assholes that their own family members snub them
UNSOLICITED ADVICE REPLY GUY: You've complained about a thing, sometimes a thing from years ago. You're just venting. This Reply Guy will pop up to tell you where you've been going wrong and what you should do in future. If you say "I didn't ask for advice" they get EXTREMELY offended.
it's time to have the drug talk with my son and i'm really nervous because i still haven't paid him for the last ounce
I'd like it if AI could take over everyone's jobs. But first, we need a universal basic income, and we need to get over the mentality that you only matter if you work.
Ex-farm worker here. We need to talk about this whole "But a living wage for farm workers would spike the cost of food!" thing. Not true AT ALL. Y'all don't understand how fast experienced farm workers are. The average tomato picker pulls 650lbs per hour. At $20/hr, that's $0.03/lb for labor.
There are far more disabled people pretending to be well than there are pretending to be sick. Being on disability is not fun. You’re forced into legislated poverty. Treated like a “useless eater”. Shunned, abandoned and constantly questioned. It’s dehumanizing 🧵
I try not to think about the future much. Sometimes it's pretty hard. Almost 4 years of unemployment in the past 10. One small 401k left. Hundreds of tailored resumes. No prospects. I'm 56. I am a great worker. The layoffs weren't my fault. I'm doing what I can. I'm scared shitless.
Something I'm glad I aged out of is the need to not let people "get away with" doing bad things to me. Sometimes people do bad things and they're not going to give a shit no matter if you confront them or not, and you don't really have any recourse. It's a waste of energy & sanity to continue.
The Internal Marinara of a Spotless Calzone
The 14th Street Busway has been a smashing success: faster commutes, fewer crashes, calmer streets. So why is Eric Adams blocking a similar plan for 34th Street?
Just like my nipples!
Good parenting never stops, as leprechauns know.
Me to my girls when they’re leaving: “I love you, have the best time! Watch your drinks. Call me if you need a ride or uber. Leave the car we’ll get it if you drink. Be safe! I love you! Don’t get tricked by leprechauns. Watch for foul temptresses, Sun Wukong, Hermes and Puck. Love you! Watch for…..
Me: Can I eat the cake in the fridge? Them: If you like, but the dining room might be more comfortable.
TBH, I could use a hug right now
I'd like tree frogs. Can we make that happen?