Either drunken Scottish poet or bored American Midwesterner, U-pick. Do these skeets make my brain look fat?
4,450 followers 1,486 following 19,687 posts
view profile on Bluesky
😂🤣
Travolta got nothin on me
😘
Managers’ main union complaints: - I’m being inconvenienced - I don’t get all those cushy rights Union workers’ rights demands: - Don’t treat us like shit - Pay is enough to afford being alive
If he does it’s clouds
Glitter matters
Rudy stopped to help Borat’s fake masseuse didn’t he
Hey this reminds me Biden is really old — where can I get that Tapper book?
Welcome back! 👋🏻
brb i gotta stand in the shower until all the sin is gone
Nooooo! Hope those symptoms are mild so you can enjoy the down time🫶
not a psychopath or a sociopath but a secret 3rd thing . a fucken bitch. hi!
I want to live, laugh, smother someone with an inspirational pillow
Oh I’ll drop a Loggins whenever I feel the urge
I got you but my head was still with Suarez and his spitting problem
Too late, everyone already knows about Jordan’s gambling
Sloppy but it just might work
Is this a Quixote or Luis Suarez joke?
Staying on during sex
Kind of a one-way-street type relationship tho
This is spot-on truth
Loggins had a hand in that too
Oh no do I have to learn about the Mufflepuffs or whatever the fuck
if you’re implying I’ve ever called such a meeting you know what you can do with that pinwheel buddy
Please, tell me more about how Bluesky can’t survive without scaling up to Nazi
Asshole boss behavior exhibit 2.7 billion
(5 minutes later) Barista: “I Give Up” your latte’s ready
shitler posted good night!!! 𝕊ℍ𝕀ℕ𝔾𝕃𝔼𝕊 𝔻𝕆𝔼𝕊ℕ’𝕋 ℂ𝔸ℝ𝔼
add a scoop of baby formula to your coffee for a formulatte
all sex is mourning sex if you’re terrible at it
Weird fight but those colors make a great cocktail idea: The Melee: Medori melon liquor, pink lemonade and tequila blanca, stirred until cold and garnished with spittle (foam of egg whites and superfine sugar) $17.99
Having the hardest time shaking the feeling that we left something behind in the 70s
And it’s roller disco
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am: AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS
all of these AIs are useless. make one that tells me what i forgot right before i leave the house.
Yes! And nobody can step in and replace the decades of his personal brand built on cons and media bs
OK but what the hell am I supposed to do with this (reads tiny print) genuine Harry Potter wand
Many people don’t know this, but every time you defeat one of your haters you gain the use of their weapon.
Take a management job and, from your family cookout, order an emergency Zoom meeting immediately to be run by your biggest office ass-kisser
Stop changing your profile picture. Choose one and stick with it for 25 years like a normal person
Once was called Saccharine Daddy but they caused nut cancer and played way too much Fogelberg
Where you see only one set of zig-zagging footsteps is where you jumped on my back and covered my eyes — shit coulda put us both in the ER, dumbass
Pour one out for my white patent leather loafers and belt. Rest well you kings of summer patios, you princes of parquet dance floors
I got myself into this mess, and you're gonna get me out.
So was I
It’s autumn and signs of the season are springing up all over Aunt Jenny’s ample cotton-poly bosom
Reminder that sometimes the msm agree to keep secrets like JFK screwing anything that moved, Jordan’s gambling problem, and my ability to make women see the glorious light of eternal salvation during sex
Labor Day is a Die Hard holiday
did you know you can crush eggshells to make plant food or that you can set yourself on fire
Blaming explainables for the mysterious is a road you don't want to take your fog machine on so just back away into those parties and forget it ever never happens or does it
They do a killer pumpkin spice mai tai over there so enjoy
if I'm a freak and you're a pervert then who's flying the plane?
i am at my absolute loudest when i try to be quiet 😑
Welcome to your 50s. No one knows how, but you’ve screenshot your home screen three times today. Again.
Right? 🤣😂🤣😂
Yikes!! Makes sense though — we tasted the renowned spring water of Bath, England and it was like tepid rotten eggs🤣
Do those springs still have healing powers?
why smile at a man when you can send a cold shiver down his spine?
Owning and operating a little free library would fix me
As far as we know
Having real anxiety that this ends with a basket of lotion being lowered into a hole
Oh wow this should be interesting
Absolutely but anything that kills a phone’s functionality in a car has got to be a money-loser
The line for cheese is called the queueso
It's the little things (the mites that live on your eyelashes)
Who decided to call it Skircle when chronically online was right there?
No doubt they have the tech to stop this from happening, but no doubt Big Tech doesn’t want a single dollar pried from its greedy claws
Week 2 lesson in Mob school
This has always been a lie because there’s no I in beholder
I hear it, and I too will begin saying it!
Sir Patrick Stewart probably doesn’t remember, but one time my wife and I sat 1 row in front of him on a southwest flight from ORD->BUR. The best part though was since BUR is so small we got to the curb at the same time and his driver was like “do you have any bags?” And he said “I am as I stand.”
No worries it can be enjoyed on its own
😳
Ooh gotta cut through the saltiness with smooth, sweet Riesling from the Alsatian region
Willie Nelson and the Chocolate Factory
Relax everyone Tapper’s book on his failing health will be out just a few short months after he’s dead
💡
Oh heavens no — derrière pairs with fruit-forward reds. I’d go with a jammy Argentinian Malbec
Same, and my grocery had the nerve to scream “marked down from $13.99!” Groceries!
You say tomato I say derrière
Plus interest
That’s cheating
For me it was a 95 degree day at Universal Harry Potter World and a storage locker that I couldn’t open to get our stuff unless I paid a few dollars
the day your kids learn you’re a baddie
Don’t forget the senseless tragedies when they crash
Sometimes I think I’m doing this adult thing pretty well and then I remember I have no frosting in my house.
Hypodermic needles at dawn sir
🤣
I have some male friendships that may end if I can’t remember these things because it’s all we can talk about
😳
Yeah…I better learn how to face it
Nickelbackhand (Sorry)
Anna Kornikova
Maggie Parquet Courts
How can anybody hate me when I'm just sitting here in church wearing my beer helmet
And it pleased the lord…
I draw my eyebrows like Groucho Marx so people know I’m dtf
Andre 3000 Agassi