Very pleased with this joke lol
Writer. Reader. Sometimes funny. Generalized anxiety Wunderkind. Author of “Winterset Hollow.” https://jonathanedwarddurham.substack.com http://Patreon.com/jonathanedwarddurham https://jonathanedwarddurham.com
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Very pleased with this joke lol
Has anybody tried giving him his childhood sled yet?
Oh good
What if they’re too nice tho?
Buying a new blanket on September first is like buying a new notebook on New Year’s Day
I know a guy who can help you with exactly half of that
This scene is such a modern metaphor because we’re all Dorothy just clutching our pets as hard as we can and talking to our two remaining weirdo friends while the world rains asbestos snow on all of us 24/7
Autumn is great because summer people love it AND winter people love it. Spring people? No there are no spring people anymore we’ve all been radicalized one way or the other.
I just need the world to respond differently than it ever has to my preferred routine and then that should fix me
I don’t trust Mondays off. Something fishy about them. Fridays off is the way to go.
Let’s gooooooo ❤️
This is the way
I identify with librarians because you would also have to pay me to let people borrow my hardcovers
Sometimes you see a cow and you’re like “oh look a cow” and that’s kinda nice
Blocked them. Nobody needs that energy on a Sunday
Well it's Sunday. And you know what happens on Sunday? Show-and-tell happens on Sunday! So show us something you made or found, somewhere you've been, something you're proud of, family, pets... anything neat, really! Go on! Show us!
Ooooh good idea
Phone calls should come through with a little subject line like emails do, like I’m sorry but I need to know before I pick that thing up
How dare
Lotsa driving licenses out there and not nearly enough parking licenses, it’s like yall have never seen a rectangle before
I mean this country has killed enough Kennedys, I guess it’s only fair one of them tries to return the favor
A sequel to LOTR where Frodo makes it back to the shire but can’t remember if the ring was actually on his finger when it fell into the fires of Mt Doom and has to walk all the way back to check
Which movie did you watch a hundred times as a kid simply because your parents owned a copy?
Sometimes when someone asks if I’m okay it’s because there’s background noise going on, but it’s not my CHOSEN background noise, so therefore everything is awful and nothing’s ever going to be okay again and I’m going to die alone and unfulfilled, and that’s why I usually just say “I’m fine”
Show me an actor with more range 😤
Same
It is, they even make you register for it here
Let’s gooooo
Just sayin
Hey if the witches were thinking about maybe gathering in the wood at all, now would be a good time 🤞
I think it’s important to remember that “the village idiot” isn’t necessarily that village’s ONLY idiot, he’s just the most famous one
I cannot stress just how important it is to let people have their early Halloween decorations and pumpkin spice drinks and be as basic as they wanna be this year without making them feel some type of way about it. Like, for your own safety.
For too long we have limited our Rangoons to just crab
Every time I see a movie or show set in the 90s everything always looks so bright and colorful and awesome and like idk I seem to remember everything just looking like it smelled like cigarette smoke
Every day I wake up feeling like my supermarket has been rearranged
Every time that little SOS appears in the corner of my phone I wonder if it’s finally the end
Physically I’m here at my desk, mentally I’m in a disheveled used bookstore that smells like paper memories and employs a cat named Paige Turner
Also I may in fact need some sleep
When I say I’m tired I don’t mean I need sleep. I mean my jaw has been clenched since y2k and I am TIRED.
I don’t think I’m dumb enough to be lured into a witch’s lair but I AM hungry enough to want some of that soup they’re always cooking up so idk
WRONG
Valid
You should get to leave work early if your clothes feel weird
Now that’s what I’m talking about
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I was also not paying attention
ME: hey can you clean up your mess? HUSBAND: right now? ME: yes there’s no room for MY mess HUSBAND: okay hold on
GOD: time to institute IBS! CHUBBY QUIET ANGEL: what’s that? GOD: irritable bowl syndrome ANGEL: omg that sounds horrible GOD: it is! ANGEL: well I was thinking maybe we could skip that one for now, you know what with the news cycle being… GOD: give it to one billion people ANGEL: okay wow
Yes that’s actually a big part of overthinking ;)
What do I do for fun? For fun? I, uh…I recover from everything else? For fun?
Bullshit
I think it’s bullshit that you can not have any kids and still get sick during back to school week
After a movie exceeds 120 minutes a health bar appears above my head
Libraries are nice because sometimes we just need to go somewhere organized, but preferably not someone’s home so we don’t have to feel like giant disaster people for not having it all together like they do
If you’ve ever worked retail you’ve lived that horror film
I’m so glad it’s finally getting cooler out because now I can still be depressed about things but like in a nice sweater and that’s kind of nice
Oooh true true
Has there been any really good ones?
It was better than almost all of the movies to be fair
I just need one more trip to blockbuster video on a Tuesday night when they restock all the new releases and then that should fix me
I hate when my pollen allergies follow me inside like hey that is what my cat allergies are for
Why do I still have back to school anxiety
Please stop making TV shows out of film franchises we don’t have to do this anymore
I’m not big on gender roles in relationships, but as long as there’s one person who usually drives and one person who usually says “oh that’s a cute house” every two minutes then everything is as it should be
Maybe I’m not overthinking, maybe I’m just regular thinking about stuff that shouldn’t be happening
This photographer accidentally interrupted a match point at the U.S. Open, which led to a ten minute argument between a player and the umpire during which he just went back to his seat and starting taking pictures of said argument, and I think we all have a friend like that
I don't understand why a "dog and pony" show is supposed to be a bad thing. Like dogs AND ponies? In the same show? Honestly, that sounds like the perfect thing to take my mind off the systemic disenfranchisement of nevermind I get it
Learning the rules to a new boardgame is like parallel parking in that it’s impossible to do when there’s other people around
Sure we can play it by ear (me listening to you tell me exactly what we’re doing and exactly who will be there)
I hope they’re happy together for the rest of their lives, but also if they ever get divorced, that next album’s gonna be so so fucking good
Sometimes
A Cinderella story (I’m constantly cleaning)
Ha ha ha you can call me whatever you want just don’t call me late for dinner or on my phone ever
Hear me out: capital numbers
I’m sure I’ll remember to pick up a new 9 volt tomorrow
The Telltale Heart but it’s just my smoke alarm beeping at my executive dysfunction every five minutes
👀
Exciting news tomorrow! I mean, I’m sure it will be terrible news but that’s still technically exciting so
She’s a 10 but mostly on therapist intake questionnaires
Now is the Tuesday of my discontent
THEM: would you like to eat a handful of dry cat food? ME: I would not THEM: what if I added some vaguely Irish sugar sponges and called them marshmallows and put a little leprechaun on the box? ME: hold on let me get the big weird bowl
“It’s only Tuesday” is what it feels like all the time now
Absolutely
If anyone needs me I’ll be over here existing somewhere between “we really need to be smarter with our money” and “but I’m way too stressed to cook so let’s order in”
Wait really?!
I need cables and adapters!!!
I have never needed things radio shack would carry on a regular basis more than since radio shack went out of business
Independent bookstores are out, codependent bookstores are in. I want them to need me too dammit.
Know your worth. You can technically survive on one kidney.
Like not ONE other than the credit system
How’s the new cardigan? Settling in nicely?
“People are intimidated by me” is out. “People find me exhausting and avoid interacting with me like the plague” is in.
Exactly this yes
Here’s to a great year!
Mr grandmother befriended a heron named Frank once, he used to stop by her porch every morning and she would give him a little shrimp lol
Anyone who’s managed to quit smoking or drinking in 2025 is a goddamn superhero
JOHN: I think he just has a case of the Mondays VET: he is pre-diabetic please stop feeding him lasagna ffs
Go directly to jail. Do not pass go. Do not sit in your car and cry about it.
Isn’t that the truth
To be clear, you should
(Exhaling) fuuuuuuuckkkkkkkk