Hitler never got to North America's shores, but we invaded Germany with Pam Anderson's rack squeezed into a red one-piece and David Hasselhof jaws-of-lifed into a banana hammock. -OS
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Hitler never got to North America's shores, but we invaded Germany with Pam Anderson's rack squeezed into a red one-piece and David Hasselhof jaws-of-lifed into a banana hammock. -OS
The Dream Team conquered Europe in a single summer. Eat your heart out, Hitler. -OS
It's still incredible that conservatism became people who are such fuckin' losers they're alienated by the most incredible society that's ever existed. That conquered the whole world with nothing but its attractiveness, and they've burnt it all because they felt left out. -OS
Now that was great -OS
The early Curb episode that's aged best for 2025, considering where evangelicals have gone, is where Larry gets in trouble with his goy in-laws because he says worshiping Jesus is "a little gay." "If god had a daughter? OK. But worshipping a guy? Seems a little gay." -OS
At least Texas lost in a boring enough fashion to leave us sober enough to watch the Mets. -OS
Really, we blame Greg Abbott for angering Hashem. Texas is being punished for building a god in their own image. -OS
rch is just trying to avoid the Dallas Cowboys, by blowing all his draft hype now. -OS
Nah, nobody likes him. -OS
Have to think Ryan Day and all of Ohio is in a funk tomorrow if their boy is belly up. -OS
But like if "it" happened, how does that affect the money line for Longhorns-Buckeyes? -OS
Being a Mets fan and Jewish makes perfect sense. G-d is against you and doesn't want you to be happy. But how could you believe any of the shit that's said from pulpit of a Dallas superchurch and watch 17 Sundays of Cowboys football? -OS
I don't know how Dallas has so many churches, because I don't know how you could pull for the Cowboys and believe there is a God.
The next time we teach modern Southern History will probably assign Britney Spears' autobiography, because that's the most Southern shit ever. She's basically a Faulkner or Tennessee Williams character. -OS
One of the reasons we started this account years ago was the shit all over the Kennedys, and now what even is the point?
The earlier iterations weren't exactly great to begin with.
Bobby's fuck up kid is the living parable that the third generation squanders it up their noses.
The Texas schedule is a'ihgt. The in state patty cake games with Sam and UTEP are a nice touch, but that's a Heartbreak Hill of "who cares?" in October and November between OU and Arkansas. Georgia only a good game if they're good. If not? Who cares? -OS
And even your turd games are in places like Orlando, where you might literally see someone get eaten by a gator. -OS
Oregon State on the schedule? That's how you cater to the college football perverts, people. The only way it could've been kinkier is if it was Wazoo. -OS
Yes, Texas is playing the Buckeyes week 1, and that's tasty as hell, but honestly the best overall Texas CFB schedule is UH's. Making Ralphie die of heat stroke when its still 4000° at 7pm in September? Love it. Closing out against TCU and Baylor? *Chef's kiss.* -OS
But Republicans are worse. Republican voters have fully accepted that their Rep is a vote for some private equity concern that's probably engaged in dismantling the very district where they live. Which is why Republicans will happily vote a carpetbagging dumbass in anywhere. -OS
But Democratic voters vote for reps based on a menu of national policy stances. We do. Because at least we care somewhat about policy. But we still shove local interests into the back seat. -OS
Sure, it's gerrymandering. How do you represent the boutique interests of a rorschach image? But it's our fault too. Rarely are people punished for being a shit rep, by either party. It occasionally happens with Democrats. Never among Republicans. -OS
Our overall take on the redistricting foofaraw is that's a reminder that the House is even more broken than the Senate and as rare as a true Senator is anymore, a true district rep is even rarer, and its mostly the voters' faults. -OS
He wouldn't have known any of the football stars either. -OS
Luci and Lynda of course knew the Beatles and wanted their father to invite them to the White House during their first American tour, and Johnson response was "What the hell is a Beatle?" -OS
Some one asked us if Lyndon Johnson in 2025 would know who Taylor Swift is and the only way we can really answer that question is to tell you that Lyndon Johnson didn't know who the Beatles were *at the height of Beatlemania.* -OS
This is true. But he'd have held that seat until a more natural death otherwise. -OS
This is actually apropos of a new piece that we're working on which will soon be ready for release on the website. -OS
Retire. Walk off into the sunset. Its for the best. I would know.
The one bone to pick with all of Houston's great Black political leaders from Mickey Leland to Sheila, Sly and now Al is every last one of them has decided to die in their seat to the detriment of their party and the city.
I don't know who they are but she seems nice and he's dumb as box of rocks so I'm sure it'll work out. And I mean that unsarcastically.
I mean, aren't all her songs about getting dumped? Seems to me getting married would be bad for business.
Called it.
You'll find him on the receiving end of a Capitol South glory hole in no time.
These people just say shit you couldn't torture out of me.
I mean, the guy might go by Jesus. But he ain't that Jesus.
That's the part I'm least worried about. I know what you find in a Cracker Barrel parking lot in Tallahassee... and it ain't Jesus.
When in Rome...
So he was blowing a guy at the Cracker Barrel. In the lot, I guess.
Have to ruefully laugh over the fact that we'd become far more pedagogically sophisticated than our own college mentors and chatGPT has sent us right back in time to them -- wall to wall lecture, no devices in class, two blue book exams that decided the whole grade. -OS
You can mock them a little for developing their business school in partnership a Houston company that literally dismantles Mexican factories and moves them to Vietnam. But yes, they are a very good school and their students are mostly earnest nerds (which is why they suck at football). -OS
Could it be that the earnestness and devoutness of the Christian reformers of the 19th Century would only draw attention to the fact that their modern "Christianity" is in fact a godless, soulless vessel used by hucksters to get money and rape kids? -OS
Why wouldn't MAGA Christians want to celebrate the deeply Christian roots of abolitionism? Is it because those devout New England ministers' wives were *actual* Christians who believed damnation threatened their souls too and wasn't just a cudgel to use against others? -OS
The United States was formally founded in 1789. Slavery was the major mode of economics for 33% of the country's history. So it makes sense that slavery would be at least a third of the American History Museum's subject matter. -OS
Texas is a very free state in the same sense that a lobotomy is a very effective mental health procedure.
Yes, but unfortunately the Cruz kiss of death only comes into play when the games actually matter, so Aggie rarely has to worry about that. -OS
Johnson's first choice to runaway to California and become a lawyer. He failed to pass the bar and came home with his tail between his legs. San Marcos was all he could afford. $30 a semester. -OS
OK, maybe not that good of odds. Because Aggie plays Notre Dame in South Bend and Texas in Austin. Their home schedule sucks. So maybe more like 8:1. -OS
She's was Aggie's attempt at MAGA McConaughey. Like everything Aggie does, it sucked and failed. -OS
Odds are what? 2:1 that you get Kristi Noem in a 12th man t-shirt on the sidelines of an Aggie game this year? -OS
Them boys in East Texas don't think you should have more toys than holes. Confuses the hell out of them. -OS
Texas politics used to be funny in a way that it no longer is, and now is only profoundly dark. For example, in 1986, Texas attempted to ban anal sex. This measure was defeated because several East Texas members took the floor to object that sometimes it was an accident. -OS
He's a strange cat. -OS
EM House was a shithead from Texas who got rich working convicts to death in a sugar plant and got powerful fixing Texas elections. He was the lead U.S. diplomat at the Paris Peace Conference. And the Trump admin is working to make him only the 2nd worst US diplomat ever. -OS
👀👀👀
Extremely good book. -OS
I mean no judgement. Someone just needs to tell Aldean to get his tits and ass out and go to the beach or take off the hat.
If you're wearing a straw cowboy hat you'd better have your tits slung in tied checker shirt and your ass slung in a pair of Daisy Dukes on a beach at South Padre.
We hate it. But it gives you great material. -OS
And Kerr County probably just hires a guy from a firm in San Antonio to be there part time County Attorney.
Meanwhile what have we called a special session for? Redistricting. How anyone continues to tolerate unified Republican gov't over this shit show of a state is beyond me.
By the time of the midterm election there is going to be several hundred lawsuits over the flood in Kerrville. The first one was filed this week. Suing an RV Park. But I suspect the state and Kerr County will ultimately be among the sued as well.
Way fewer Republican staffers being targeted and mugged outside Bullfeathers with us gone. -OS
The petty crime rate in DC probably substantially dipped 15 years ago when we left. At the very least the Heritage Foundation stopped being pissed on at 3am. It was our public bathroom of choice between the Hawk n Dove and South Capitol Metro. -OS
TX Republicans gave up on cities. In 2023, the Republican mayoral candidate got 6% of the vote. In an oil city. -OS
Now you'd have to do some crazy fuckin' partisan gerrymandering. Like a french fry district that stretches from El Paso to Amarillo. But you can do it. You can't really draw more than 32 GOP seats with any data set from the last 20 years. -OS
To really underscore the point about how bad the Republican's spatial distribution of votes are, you can draw a congressional map of Texas that with the 2018 returns would've been 35D-3R. -OS
In 2020, Biden enjoyed about 3 or 4 different paths to victory and Trump had to walk a tightrope. That was reversed in 2024. -OS
Your geography in the EC can go from very favorable to extremely unfavorable by the slightest change in conditions. It's literally just the difference between 2020 where Biden had very favorable geography and 2024 where Harris did not. -OS
And that's politics, baby. Nothing is permanent. Voters and coalitions are always moving targets. -OS
Their floor has been caving in in the suburbs for 4 or 5 cycles now, and if or when that fully falls out, they suddenly have a host of problems in both the Senate and the EC. -OS
Yes. We point these things out though because the GOP never worries about how the floor has fallen out for them in urban areas (whereas Dems constantly worry about the rurals). They don't because they have favorable geography for the Senate and Electoral College -- but thats extremely fragile. -OS
Hence why you can draw a 52-0 map in CA. Democratic votes are so densely clustered around LA and the Bay that you can simply draw a map where every district approaches one of the two major metros and theres more than enough Dem votes to go around. -OS
There's limits to how much you can dilute a city with rural vote sinks because every district has to be geographically contiguous. Whereas there's very little limit to how much you can dilute rural represenation with densely packed urban vote sinks. -OS
One reason Republicans have sought to so aggressively gerrymander for the last 20 years is that the dense clustering of Democratic votes in cities makes geography very bad for them. Example -- we used the 2024 results, and were still able to draw a technically legal map where Dems won 24 seats. -OS
Hell, theres barely more TX Republicans than CA Republicans. It's just that CA has anywhere from 9 to 11 million Democratic votes. -OS
The reason you can draw a 52-0 CA map but it's not possible to draw a 0-38 TX map is a function of distribution and population. In raw numbers there's way more CA Dems than there are TX Republicans, and as a matter of percentages there's way more TX Dems than CA Republicans. -OS
This bawdy talk now from Republicans -- "oh, well let's draw a 38-0 gerrymander in Texas." Yeah, thats not actually possible. You're 30-8 gerrymander you're trying to pull is already weak. And that's with the most tightly packed Democratic vote sinks you can manage. There's too many Democrats. -OS
They're twin myths -- the Lost Cause that slavery was a benign peculiar institution in the South and that the North's hands were clean. -OS
C. Vann Woodwards lecture on segregation that were later collected together into the famous book "The Strange Career of Jim Crow," actually looked to Boston and New York to find some of the earliest examples or racial segregation on street cars and trains. -OS
It's weird that the Texas GOP is so adamant that there's only two biological genders when we know, thanks to Chevron, there's at least 1000 just in Brazoria County. People giving birth to dolphins down in the petrochemical wasteland. -OS
If you aren't aware we're very pro-pervert here Texas. Just ask our legislature. By the way. Don't eat the bake sale cookie dough. That ain't no glaze.
Right, not every idea is good. As many awesome movies as were made in the 1990s there were also lots of clunkers. That's what happens when you take a chance. Now bonded capital has decided 10 5/10 movies is better than eating 8 3/10 failures to get 2 10/10 masterpieces. -OS
Bitch. The story isn't even in the second act yet, settle the fuck down. Give it time. -OS
Nothing new is given time to develop, not through major publishers or movie studios at least. Didn't Amazon just half-ass an adaptation of Robert Jordan's fantasy novels and then pull the plug on it after they'd told less than a third of a story because it wasn't profitable enough? -OS
Now the returns have to be immediate even if the idea is only half baked. So nothing new gets the green light. Because new requires time. If you're selling half-baked, it already has to have an established brand. Hence Jurassic Park VII. -OS
This speaks to how money has killed creativity in mass culture to us, though. Crichton's pitch to Knopf in the mid-80s was basically "dinosaur theme park that goes wrong." It could've been terrible. But he was given the money and time to develop the idea even though he'd not had a hit in years. -OS
Crichton's first novel was truly bizarre. Baby's getting eaten by dinosaurs and shit, but also had a very Mary Shelley, Frankenstein's monster, kind of vibe cleverly adapted to the post cold war world. Now Knopf would just have ChatGPT rewrite Frankenstein and set in 2025. -OS
Let alone a major movie studio spending a massive budget on adapting an original sci-fi IP that hadn't even been published yet. -OS
Was cajoled to watch the awful new (what 7th?) Jurassic Park movie and just thought about how in the era of bonded capital ruling the world a publisher like Knopf would probably never take a chance on a sci-fi book as "out there" as Crichton's original novel was in 1990. -OS
It really is just a whole world of guys who are disgusted by vaginas and women who haven't figured out there isn't an amount of botox that's survivable that will make her man not not disgusted by her vagina. -OS
The female equivalent was the girl who came to parties with her douche boyfriend in a painted-on cocktail dress, and after her fourth trip to the keg complains that he won't eat her out, but shes going to stick it out with him because he has a job at his dad's firm. -OS
In hindsight, the foreshadowing to MAGA was that one guy you knew who got married right after college, divorced 2 years later, and then after 15 high lifes and 3 bong rips would say "man it would be so much easier, if like, you could just be with the guys all the time..." -OS